healing

[Wildflower]

Guest wrote: when the student is ready the teacher will appear."

You can take a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

Everyone here has issues, otherwise we wouldn’t be here, right?  Many, if not all of us, have issues we are unaware of – because our voicelessness has made us unaware of ourselves.  And it’s OKAY to be unaware while in the process of healing.  That’s what we’re here for:  to discover our true selves and the issues that prevent us from becoming our true selves.  To find our voices.

We cannot help anyone else see issues they may have until they are ready.  We may not even be qualified to assess what issues another person has, and it’s certainly easy to see our own issues in others.  And natural.

We can ask guiding questions, we can suggest books that may be helpful, and we can offer our experiences.  That’s it.  If anyone learns from what we have to offer, that’s great, but there are no guarantees – and accusing someone of having issues that they cannot see may only serve to slow the process of healing if that person develops defense mechanisms to protect them from having to face those issues too soon.
 

Christy wrote: "Every arrow you shoot has to pass through you first".

Paraphrase: I am not responsible for what happened to me as a child, but I am responsible for my own recovery (sorry, couldn’t find the post or remember who said this).

A couple of weeks ago, as I was trying to work through my feelings of guilt for having yelled at my mother, my therapist reminded me that my mother is ‘hard of hearing’, which is true in the metaphorical sense.  Her physical hearing is just fine – but that doesn’t stop her from saying ‘huh?’ after everything I say and then interrupt my attempt to repeat myself by responding to what I said (meaning she heard me the first time).  While I was dependent on my mother, I had to scream at the top of my lungs, or find other methods of ‘screaming’, in order to get what I needed from her.  There was no other way.

A few months ago, I was doing an exercise from Children of the Self-Absorbed in an attempt to understand my feelings for my father when it dawned on me – through re-living a particularly painful scene – that what had upset me most about that scene was that I had lost control and screamed at him.  It wasn’t until then that I realized that, quite the opposite of my parent’s labels of me, I hated yelling at them.  In fact, yelling at them hurt me.  And that’s when I began to understand that I had been pushed - I must have been pushed - to do something that hurt me.

Years ago, before I had the knowledge of NPD to help me sort through so many issues, I used the concept of habits to pull myself up out of the darkness.  Whenever I was able to identify a ‘bad habit’, I immediately put all my energy into dropping that habit and replacing it with a good one.  A clean home and a love of cooking are two very positive results of this effort.  A struggle that ended with more mixed results was my struggle to stop being critical of others and to stop using my childhood pain to get special treatment from others (which is different from asking for the help we need).  Mixed because:

A)  I am now more able to appreciate others instead of seeing only their faults.  I feel less isolated and I am more able to identify with others because I’m not special:  the same rules apply to the adult me, regardless of any childhood abuse.  In short, I feel more connection to people in the world, and I’m less likely to alienate or take for granted the very people who may be able to help me.

B) As I looked back with my new less-critical eyes, I saw a wake of destruction behind me, both of myself and others.  How much time have I wasted with all these negative feelings?  How many people have I hurt - people I cared about, people I may never be able to face again – because I was lashing out?

Every person I hurt has added that much more grief and remorse to my process of healing.  So I ask you, please don’t do what I did and hurt those around you by lashing out at people here who want to help.  We need to scream sometimes in order to find our true selves, but try to scream at the right people – the N’s in our lives and maybe even our therapists/healers who are trained to handle it.  And if someone here has offended or hurt you, try to find a voice that won’t end up hurting you by alienating the very people who are here to help.

I realize that I may be out of place in saying these things (I’m no therapist and I’m certainly not trained to deal with helping people resolve their issues), but I felt I couldn’t remain silent on this subject.

All my best,
Wildflower

[Anonymous]

Hi Wildflower,

I really appreciated your post and I know from bumping into you around this forum that you practice what you preach.

I've manage to model some bad habits out of my life, but it only ever seemed to work for me at the 'right time'. Seems like the formwork had to be in place first.

I had Maslow's Ladder on my fridge for years till my cat shredded the bottom rungs off. My fridge is like, "The one who dies with the most fridge magnets wins" situations. Everybody keeps giving me these bloody fridge magnets. "Oh, saw this, thought of you."  "Gee Ta"  

Sorry, back on track. Yes, if the basics aren't there then what's to build on. Your post gave me the impression of different teachers I've had.

The helpful, recommending, jointly exploring, encouraging ones
versus
the talking at me, telling me what to do, assuming, imposing, lecturing ones who set too high goals and tasks for me at my level.

These were goals they could breeze through, having been there and done it. When people do this to me, my brain locks, I freeze up and all my creative juices and energy dry up. Sometimes I feel physically sick, or fall asleep, I have to go find a place to lie down.

"Excuse miss, I need to have a sleep. Listening to you for the past half hour has brought on a bout of chronic-fatigue-syndrome. Do you mind?"

Anyway, enough frivolity, once again Wildflower, you've set the cogs in my old grey matter a churnin'.

I've been lucky with the brain freeze thing, even though at times it's terribly debilitating, like I have tremendous difficulty sitting formal tests, but it's had some positive spin-offs too. When I am insulted or emotionally injured, I can't react immediately. My brain freezes and so I don't react often for 2 or 3 days. It can take me this long to recognise and process the situation. So by the time I do other things have happened usually, and often I don't feel the need to do anything, so I seldom say things to escalate the situation at the time.

The trade-off here for me is that I haven't been in a lot of situations like you mention of isolating myself from friends or have deep feelings of grief for causing them pain. This handicap I have has a positive side. I've only recognised it recently as a side issue from reading the Imposter Syndrome things. And I've asked different family members if they notice this about me. Unanimous "YES." So I think this handicap is good. Even though I haven't passed all the formal tests I'd have like to, and I've never mastered Corel Draw because the teacher sedated me mentally. Never mind.

How do I try to translate that here. If I feel uncomfortable or negative about a response to me or someone else, or I feel I have been attacked I try not to respond now. I don't suppress my feelings, I try to explore them. But do I try to suppress my actions or should I say my reactions. I try very hard to not reply immediately, I just don't send it. I've typed out some very degrading replies at times but then I don't send them. I disconnect from the net or go out, get back to work, whatever. And many times more often than not I'm glad I didn't press the 'SUBMIT' button.

I now try to wait till I'm calm and settled and have thought it through. Hey, let other people respond, see what they say. If this means I have to wait a day or a week, fine, I can. There are plenty of other threads and topics to go to and learn from and contribute to.

And for me personally, I think it's best if I don't respond immediately if I feel I'm under threat. Brother is that hard to do sometimes, especially when I get that fired-up urge to respond defensively. But not giving in to these impulses is both good developement of self-control in me and also good from the point of view of the quality of the response that's posted, (premature ejeculation of the verbal kind, not very satisfying for either party.) so it's better for everybody else too.

And if I'm real lucky, it'll bring the feeling of restoration or closure. Either way, it often prevents me getting caught up in a negative joust spiralling ever-downwards. I'll try to avoid that here, I've had enough of that in my life.

Anyway I don't want to be someone who easily has their buttons pushed by anybody out there having a bad hair day or going through PMT. I say, "I'll push my own buttons, when I'm ready, thanks very much."

And thankyou for once again Wildflower for sharing these thoughts, and allowing me the opportunity to explore mine as a result.  

Guest.

[Wildflower]

Hi Guest,

You are seriously hilarious!

I had Maslow's Ladder on my fridge for years till my cat shredded the bottom rungs off. My fridge is like, "The one who dies with the most fridge magnets wins" situations. Everybody keeps giving me these bloody fridge magnets. "Oh, saw this, thought of you." "Gee Ta"

You know that deep laugh that gives you hiccups and makes your sides hurt?  Well that’s me right now reading that.   The rest of your post was great, too (and bot we need a little frivolity here), but that really got me.
 

I've manage to model some bad habits out of my life, but it only ever seemed to work for me at the 'right time'. Seems like the formwork had to be in place first.

You’re so right.  I know this, too, but I was just sooo frustrated with what I saw happening on the board and a part of me couldn’t sit silently by on the off chance that one person might hear me and stop feeding this weirdo infinite loop of attacking going on.  I think it’s so important to learn to express ourselves, but there are consequences that come with speaking out (especially to N’s), and sometimes being silent is expression enough.  But maybe that’s just me, or maybe I’m not as far along as those here doing their battles.

When I am insulted or emotionally injured, I can't react immediately. My brain freezes and so I don't react often for 2 or 3 days.

You’re way ahead of me!  It honestly takes me months sometimes.  We’re workin’ on that though.  Be mad now, not when everyone’s like, “what the hell?  Where’d that come from?”  Get more outta the interaction when it’s in the same century.

But I hear you, and thanks so much for adding your own perspective and experience with responding to sticky situations.  It’s nice hearing how others have found their ways in the world.

Glad you’re here, Guest.

Wildflower

[Anonymous]

Hi Wildflower, and then I remembered you did an interior design course. Clean surfaces, and I bet - no fridge magnets. Blaah.

By the way, I'm glad you're here too. Whatever anxiety you may feel about the recent days here, I can tell you that from where I sit you played a vital part in introducing and maintaining stability at certain key points, with your warm genuine encouragement and soothing words. So thankyou.

Guest

[Ishana]

Learned a lot from this thread.  Thank you both, but especially Wildflower's thoughts:

"As I looked back with my new less-critical eyes, I saw a wake of destruction behind me, both of myself and others. How much time have I wasted with all these negative feelings? How many people have I hurt - people I cared about, people I may never be able to face again – because I was lashing out? "  


Ishana

[Wildflower]

Hi Wildflower, and then I remembered you did an interior design course. Clean surfaces, and I bet - no fridge magnets. Blaah.  

I have to admit, my fridge is pretty low on magnets, and that’s partly by design.  I actually used to have a few until my cat managed to hide all of them in various places where I’ll probably never see them again.    He also used to go through all of my kitchen sponges, too.  I’d come home and they’d be in shreds on the floor, so now I buy special cat-proof sponges.  I’ve seen this guy eat enough cat toys to know he’s gotta have a tummy tough enough to manage a shred of sponge now and then, , but I worry about him getting sick on whatever chemicals are in the sponges.  Talk about cat/child-proofing a house though.    Which is why I got such a kick out of imagining a cat going after the rungs of Maslow’s ladder.    And regarding being the first one out the door with the most magnets, I was the same with my first car and bumper stickers.  And it was a very large old car.  Lots of room for stickers.

The helpful, recommending, jointly exploring, encouraging ones
versus
the talking at me, telling me what to do, assuming, imposing, lecturing ones who set too high goals and tasks for me at my level.

It took another, closer reading to hear that you may be trying to tell me something here about the way I approached my first posting.  If you are, I know I have a tendency to get on a podium sometimes.  I try not to, but I may have slipped again here.  I’m sorry if I gave anyone a frozen brain.  If that wasn’t your intention, I’ll move on.

In any case, thanks for your very kind words, Guest.

Wildflower

[Anonymous]

The helpful, recommending, jointly exploring, encouraging ones
versus
the talking at me, telling me what to do, assuming, imposing, lecturing ones who set too high goals and tasks for me at my level.

It took another, closer reading to hear that you may be trying to tell me something here about the way I approached my first posting.  If you are, I know I have a tendency to get on a podium sometimes.  I try not to, but I may have slipped again here.  I’m sorry if I gave anyone a frozen brain.  If that wasn’t your intention, I’ll move on.

In any case, thanks for your very kind words, Guest.

Wildflower

Gosh I positively absolutely wasn't referring to you at all Wildflower, I actually wasn't even thinking about anyone here at all when I wrote that.

I was thinking about Miss Freegard my maths teacher in high school, and how different she was from Mr Tainton my English teacher. I loved maths till I got Miss Freegard as a teacher. She ruined my love of school & maths and teachers for quite some time.

And those ridiculous short skirts she wore, made of what looked like felt, finished off with a huge thick black patent leather belt pulled as tight as possible around her waist. The belt was nearly as big as the skirt. And then the black knee high boots did it for me. She had such shapeless legs that didn't meet at the top, you could have driven a double decker bus through them and not touched the sides.

Add to that her shouting, telling, demanding and lecturing and teased hair and blue eye-shadow. How the hell could I think about maths, I was trying to work out why she wore brown mascara and black eyeliner and reddy brown eyebrown pencil.

And why hadn't anyone told  her someone with such a flat bum shouldn't wear short tight skirts. If you have a flat bum you wear full pleated or swirly skirts. Anyone with a brain knows that. She lost my confidence.

Then there was Mr Tainton. He was gorgeous, old, soft, gentle, leading, encouraging, laughing, and even the boys loved him. He poked fun at himself and made us laugh. And taught us how interesting the dictionary was by playing a game he made up for his kids with us.

I play that game now with my kids. Pass the dictionary. I pick out a word, whoever guesses the correct meaning gets the dictionary to pick out a word and so on. I really loved his manner and I worked so hard in class and on the assignments and each and everything he asked me to do.

No no no, Wildflower, I don't see you like Miss Freegard at all, you're like Mr Tainton.

Love to you Guest.

[rosencrantz]

And all I feel is sick and ashamed and lost and alone.  And if I post this I'm probably ruining the thread.  It's a nice thread.  I've lost 'me'.  I don't know where I am any more. What the hell did my mother do to me. I'm trapped in circles - I'm got at from every side - and then criticised for going in circles.

I thought it was meant for me, too, Wildflower.  (I'd try to wink but I haven't the strength).  Other stuff, too.  Maybe it was.  Because I 'know' I'll be the bad person round here.   I'm on the edge of believing that but what I do know for real is that the feeling/thought comes from childhood because it was precisely that feeling that stopped me 'fronting up' to that 'bad therapist' (inexperienced is perhaps a better word).  I would be the 'bad' person and get into terrible trouble and probably be abandoned if I 'preferred' someone else (eg to talk to the more experienced therapist) so I had to stay in the bad relationship and just cope. ping! (I also knew at the same time that this represented my relationship with my mother and father - but how to even begin to explain!!?)

I did write down my experience, tho - what was 'real', what I thought was 'real'.  I don't know exactly what I wrote - he threw it all away.  He came back off holiday and I said, can we look at the letters now (he never mentioned them during our sessions, I must have sent him one every week trying to explain things better!) and he said, "oh I threw them away when I was clearing my desk before I went on holiday"    (I know what that felt like, but I won't be so basic!  Let's say he threw away some precious gifts I'd given him. It gave me a lot of pain; I'd trusted him by not keeping copies. I keep copies of everything now!!!)  

I guess I was in a better 'space' after a break away from him, but I never did get a chance to sort of 'review' the madness. To see whether or not it was madness or whether it was real.  

I used to think : He is a nice person (so how can I think he's doing terrible things), he is young, he is inexperienced; so was my mother.  Who's who??  What terrible guilt for thinking 'bad' thoughts about him (I don't even know what the bad thoughts were - anger? dissatisfaction? competitive? wanting to take his place?  I phoned up once and the receptionist thought I was his wife.    That's all I needed.  Quick, find me the funny farm - catatonia would make living so much easier!!!!!)

But you go into therapy to try to work things out.  You're meant to use your brain so don't start picking on me again and tell me not to think.  I'm sure he would have preferred me not to think - but it was easy, then, to stamp out the threat because I was very, very 'nice' and very, very accommodating - then.  I discovered later that the only way to become 'me' was to stamp about a lot and make a racket to be heard!!!    I have this idea you have to fight for your life if you want to be born/become independent/become strong (but I didn't realise there was absolutely no point in making a racket, that the earth would explode before her disorder would 'hear' me!!!)

I think it is true to say that I've been well and truly f@d up by some people in my life.  I don't even know if I've ever been sane- perhaps I'm just all 'a great big front'.  I can be who you want - who do you want me to be?  I'm good at that.  However you define me, I'll fall right into the mould.  It's so hard to stay 'me' if I'm amongst people who want to define me according to their own 'demons', unless I'm really, really alert. And if someone wants to define me according to something nice, I risk alienating them if my identity is an issue for me.  Mostly I go with the flow but then it sets up expectations and disappointments.

Oh, here's a good one.  When I was two, I was taken to the social services to sort out why I was so clingy!  They put me on one side of a door and my mother on the other, shut the door and then held me back while I screamed and screamed to reach her.  Don't you understand you dumpkopfs that I have to be with my mother to look after her so that she can look after me????!!!!!  No, people don't understand what's going on in the head of a two year old.  They just play 'sadistic' games instead.  It was totally ineffectual as I was 42 before I worked that one out and realised that not everybody else's needs come before mine!!!  

I had to stop laughing that deeply, Wildflower - I'd get an asthma attack!!  But I would if I could.    

I post to say I'm OK then suddenly slip into some ravine again.  I guess it's getting better - just up and down.  

R

[rosencrantz]

my mother is ‘hard of hearing’, which is true in the metaphorical sense. Her physical hearing is just fine – but that doesn’t stop her from saying ‘huh?’ after everything I say

I'm glad I came back to this thread and found this again because I wanted to share an idea with you.  

Her 'hard of hearing' may be psychological but there's also something called CAPD - it's like a hearing dyslexia.  

We discovered my son has it and it's something to do with the left or right side being stronger than the other so that what goes in one ear has to travel a long way to get processed.  I'm also sure my husband suffers, too.  Ask him 'what did they just say' and he, without fail, tells me the last but one thing someone said.  Weird - until you know.  

They really do take longer to process what they hear and often it doesn't get processed at all with kids who have a busy mind (mine's got an imagination that never stops) as what you say just doesn't get time to be processed before the mind is whisked off elsewhere.  I found that simply repeating what I wanted (eg put your coat on) several times without stopping provided enough input to reach him.

I've discovered that in the States they are passing this on to the audiologists but as it's not a 'hearing' issue per se, but a processing one, I think that confuses things.

Just a thought to play with.
R

PS Central Auditory Processing Disorder

[Portia]

Hello R, can I tell you I'm having a visceral response to your post?
Like          but no tears as such from me, just the pain behind my eyes and in my head. I'll just say you're not alone, no more than me, or others....or anyone. I read the Shamed poem. I could feel myself kicking against the holding hands together...because I don't really trust all that well. And no daughters for me thank you! But I'm still here. Going to post on Myers Briggs now, that's occupied me all morning!  Sending some rainbows your way. (((((R))))) P

and another post above! Look at you helping! Helping..trying to help..

[Anonymous]

I thought it was meant for me, too, Wildflower.  (I'd try to wink but I haven't the strength).  Other stuff, too.  Maybe it was.  
R

Rosencrantz hi, and no no no, this most definitely wasn't meant for you. It really wasn't meant for anyone here. It's true what I wrote to Wildflower, that when I wrote this I had a picture in my head of teachers who impacted on me.

And anyway, in my mind I don't see you like that either. In you I see somebody fighting to gain control. Not of others lives and minds and feelings, but control of your own mind, life and feelings. I can relate to this. I don't find you invasive and demanding, I find you cautious but then once you've assessed it's safe, you're embracing and contributing, a very giving person. The lengths I've seen you go to to help people work through some issues here. What patience. I start trying to do that and half way through I catch my superficial side going "Yeah whatever."

I look at you and you inspire me. So hey, if you inspire me, and your so f*#*ed up what does that say about me? You better not answer that. You'd say it too well and quite frankly, I can't afford the therapy.

So anyway Rsencrantz, I haven't finished reading your post, I just wanted to say to you, NO. It's not about you. It was about that Bitch, Miss Freegard who ruined forever my chance of becoming an astronaut and being the first woman in space. I wonder if there are narcissists on Mars. If there aren't I'm goin'.

Love to you Rosencrantz and whoever else reads here.

Guest with the big mouth.

[Wildflower]

Hi Rosencrantz,

I missed this post until just this afternoon because I’ve been a little embarrassed by this thread (what I've said, not others) and wanted to walk away.  And I assumed that since Guest was the last person posting, no new posts where here.  And, well, because this thread took me to a new place last night, and I’m still kinda reeling.  In a good way, but reeling.  Am I a nutbag, or what?  Pushing myself like this.  

Anyway, to you R.  I want to respond more, but just a few thoughts for now.

I’ve been worried that my last post was pushing you just as hard by asking you to look at your past in a really painful way.  I’ve been doing this same looking at my own past lately because it’s the only way I’ve been able to find myself in all the murkiness – and through all the definitions.  Where is that kiddo who survived so much?  Instead of, Where is that difficult child who made messes all over the place?  But this is an extremely heart-wrenching and disorienting experience, and I’m sorry if by asking you to do this I’ve only added to your recent battles with confusion and definitions and all that.  You're doing great, though.  There's so much here in your post.

while I screamed and screamed to reach her. Don't you understand you dumpkopfs that I have to be with my mother to look after her so that she can look after me????!!!!!

This is a little question that’s been under the surface of my thoughts for a while now, because it’s just so hard to reconcile the fact that I would ever run home to a place that made me sick.    I did, though, throughout most of junior high and high school.  I say it's a question, but I can still hear the thought that drove me, “If my own mother doesn’t love me, how can I expect anyone else to?  I have to fix things [myself] with her before I can be with others.”

I can be who you want - who do you want me to be? I'm good at that.

I used to be a chameleon.  I used to pride myself on slipping into new places with new people and blending in almost immediately.  Um, or… becoming invisible.    Oddly enough, it was when I worked for a Japanese company that this tactic of mine was truly challenged.  I couldn’t do it there.  I hit some major walls being in that culture, and it was one of the first times I really felt like, Hey, I’m limited.  There are some people I just can’t be.

(But wow were there so many people I wanted to be but couldn’t.  I’m just hitting contradictions all over the place right now.)

These personality issues can be so overwhelming, though.  And bottomless…shifty ground…hard to stand on.  And you shoulda seen me when I was immersed in Continental philosophy!   Oooo boy.  Talk about thinking too much!!!  And I do mean immersed.      

So I tried on another extreme (I’m sorry I always resort to story telling.  It’s the only way I know how to make my point without getting all abstract and meaningless).  I decided, hey, you know what?  I’m gonna be dumb for a while.  D-U-M dumb.  It was just a new role to try out at first (but then it stuck   – no just kidding   – well maybe I’m serious   – no just kidding ).  But what it helped me do was say to myself, I have NO IDEA what kind of music I like.  I used to know, but I forgot.  Poof.  I used to know how to do x, y, z.  But you know, I just forgot.  Poof.  And that gave me a clean slate.  And empty shopping cart.  Hmmm.  What DO I feel like trying out today?

Music can be very concrete (I love Tom Petty) but it can also be very telling (I love how free and down to earth and unpretentious and raw and knowing and unassuming he is).  So I’ve been amassing a silly little superficial list in my head of “who I am.”  I like Brussels Sprouts (not as much peas, incidentally).  Who likes Brussels Sprouts?   Me.  That’s who.  I love purple with a passion, and spring colors tempt me spend insane amounts of money (I don’t, though).  But…I used to wear black all the time??  Hunh.  Guess I never knew.   Maybe these things will change over time, but I know they're me now.  They're not a reaction to anyone else, and they're not imposed by anyone else.

So when I asked you about a book of Rosencrantz, I guess in a way I was asking you to list the bits of you that have been cropping up when pressed.  A little list to go back to for these times of vertigo.  There’s a you in there – don’t doubt it.     We’re physical beings and that, at the very least, means there’s something that makes us unique (MY body - not YOURS to wreak havoc with, stamp stamp stamp).  Even if it’s about who eats broccoli with peanut butter (not me, I swear).

Well, I guess that's a little more than a few thoughts, but once I get going...

With love and compassion,
Wildflower

[rosencrantz]

I nearly missed these posts!  That would have been a terrible waste as they are so ace!!!  Particularly as I've been having a really bad time all day, struggling with feelings and words, decided not to risk exposure and then felt bad about giving up (but perhaps for this dumkopf that's a GOOD thing -  my problem perhaps, probably, most likely being 'no discernment'.

I especially like "Yeah whatever. "    I think that might be my new mantra.

I didn't intend to make you reassure me (but I suspect you recognise  that).

Thank you for what you see in me - but it rather got lost in the laughter you provoked.   And the rest of your post passed similarly in a haze of delighted laughter again.  Thank you so much. (As long as you know it takes one to know one!)  Did you mean I go straight for the jugular?!  I mean how stoopid can you (ie me) get if you (I) think people won't say 'ouch'!!!!!  

Tears of laughter - what a grownup you are!  I'll never get that far in this lifetime.

You were darn right about that 'closure' business tho'.  I did feel desperately humilliated.  More - it was a terrible shock to wake up (literally!) to the fact that I was no longer in control. (I wasn't anyway, but still!). I think a warning by pm could have been a good idea.  Indeed to have given us a choice (now there's a thought).  I think the ensuing guilt unhinged me slightly.  Maybe it was like having the door slammed shut between me (aged 2) and my mother!!! That'll teach me to behave myself.  Challenge her and you lose big time!!!  

And I think two people got lumbered with anger of mine that should have been directed towards RG - cos they got in between him and you and inadvertently got in between me and him!  And his 'I get control now' was a slap in the face - really.  Whatever the intention.  But I certainly don't think he is harmed one little bit by any opinions out here.  He'd intend them to be expressed.  (Just 'expressing' RG!)  The point of the story was to get us to post appropriately again - from the heart - I can't imagine for a minute that his aim was for us to start looking after his feelings!!  

Oh, and someone said to me that my experience of the inexperienced therapist put her off 'talking therapy'.  Be careful out there but there are good guys around - my first was caring and careful and dealt with a completely voiceless person in a helpful way.  He sowed seeds and helped me make the transition from my mother - without him the consequences would have been dire.  And I see no reason not to trust RG.  

Thanks again for all your posts. And CG - what a capacity for healing!
G'night
R

[Anonymous]

Her 'hard of hearing' may be psychological but there's also something called CAPD - it's like a hearing dyslexia.  

We discovered my son has it and it's something to do with the left or right side being stronger than the other so that what goes in one ear has to travel a long way to get processed.  I'm also sure my husband suffers, too.  Ask him 'what did they just say' and he, without fail, tells me the last but one thing someone said.  Weird - until you know.  

They really do take longer to process what they hear and often it doesn't get processed at all with kids who have a busy mind (mine's got an imagination that never stops) as what you say just doesn't get time to be processed before the mind is whisked off elsewhere.  I found that simply repeating what I wanted (eg put your coat on) several times without stopping provided enough input to reach him.


PS Central Auditory Processing Disorder

That's interesting Rosencrantz, I'm going to do a net search on this when I get time. I often hear things 'much later' sometimes. It's weird.

Thanks and hope you're feeling okay
Guest

[Wildflower]

Hi Rosencrantz,

Thanks for the CAPD tip.  I've done a little reading and I'll probably do some more, but I suspect that what's actually happening is that she sometimes forgets there's someone on the other end of the phone attached to her ear.  It's really more of a "I was in the middle of telling a story when I heard this noise coming from somewhere.  Huh?  What's that?  Who's there?"  

Wildflower