Seastorm

[CB123]

I found out that my exN could access my computer and read all my postings on this site. These things happen. I haven't had the heart to write until now.

Sea,

I hope you are still around--just lurking til you feel safe again.  I can't tell you how much I miss your "voice" on this board.  When you are ready, I would love to hear from you.

CB

[Hopalong]

Me too, Sea...

I am so sorry he felt entitled to invade your private space like this.

Classic narcissist...that feeling of entitlement, no respect for a human being who has a right to a space of her own.

Shame on him (though he probably can't feel shame consciously).

We miss you.

Hops

[sea storm]

I miss you too.
He told me someone had read them and told him about it. His kids probably did it. He told me it was all ludicrous and that I am sick.
What a sad thing.
I know it was petty and distainful of them. Recently, I started to read the posts again and I care about the people here. I believe you and care about you.

Sea storm

Ps something stops me from changing my name and losing my voice.

[Hopalong]

Hi Sea,

If you'd like to, you could change your name and just PM people about it.

Hopefully, he and his kids have found better things to do. It is supply to be written about, even in anguish, of course, but hopefully they'll get bored.

love
Hops

[axa]

SEa

I missed you too and am glad that you are back here.  I believe XN has been reading my email, initially I was raging, for all I know he could be reading this board as well.  I just dont give a dam right now.  I am speaking my truth.  I changed my email address but at some level do not care what he knows. 

My son and his daughter have been in contact and this has annoyed me.  I think it was my son who iniciated the contact.  I am not sure what to do about this in that their relationship/friendship is seperate to me but I do not want information flowing back to XN.  My son, I think, thinks I am paranoid about XN, he does not get the reality of the situation and I am careful about dumping info he does not want on him.  I know how XN uses D as a puppet and an information source so it has me unsettled at the moment.  I realise this post feels a bit like a contradiction but it is how I feel right now.

His D obviously has no idea how much she hurt me, she got what she wanted and could have called me if she was interested in how I was doing.  I think she has very strong N tendencies because she has been brought up by him alone and that is normal to her.  I just wish I could delete them all from my memory.  It is bloody painful stuff.

axa

[reallyME]

Seastorm,

As you may or may not know, I also went through what you did.  The cohorts of the former X in my life, found out about this board and began telling all the people on here, that what I was saying was all LIES about X.

Since then, I really don't mention names like I guess I used to. (I was on meds back then, and Lord knows what i did or didn't do...i can't recall, honestly).  I try to mention situations in a more broad sense, rather than the specific happenings that went on with X.  X is still a minister, still has people around to support them, and doesn't give me the time of day.  X has some new supply sources, so i've been thoroughly discarded and abandoned and written off, as though X never met me.  That's what they do, so life goes on.

The X's in my life have gotten so angry when I've told them they were N's BPD's or whatever, yet, over and over again up to this very day, they have done nothing to disprove that truth.  In the end, I will be everything they didn't believe I could be...not for them, but for God and me!

Stick with it, SS...you have tons of supporters and friends here on this board.  Let the N's find a new sandbox to play in (since they are perpetual first graders anyway)

~ReallyMe

[debkor]

Hi Sea,

Missed you.  How have you been. It's so good to hear from you. Don't worry about them reading your post.  You still have your voice and it's good to talk to you.  If they don't like you talking about how hurt you are then they should not be reading your post.  But that is their choice don't forget that you have one too.  Now you do what is good for you.
So please don't stop talking for someone else sake.  Isn't that what we have done for way to long, someone Else's sake?

The only thing they are going to read on here ( may be a real punch to their gut) is that they will find out they are all really not as unique as they think they were. 

Love
Deb

[sea storm]

Dear dear friends,
Thanks for your welcoming words. I have so much trouble trusting now. My self esteem has never been lower. I know I need to feel the emotions that come up but they are so painful. It got so that I just didn't have anything to give back. I just wanted to rave and cry. This is also know as " singing in your chains like the sea".
It has  been eight months now since XN left. I cry a lot and have times of being immobilized by grief. On the other hand I have started to renovate my house so that I can put a suite in downstairs and offset the money I paid out to my X. I have worked very hard in my garden and so if I want to do the Band B thing with the house , it is looking pastoral and lovely. I have hauled soil for two raspberry beds. I cleaned out this big house and sent five pickup truck loads to the dump. Oh yes, I dealt with a leak in the wall and had a new bathtub and tiles put in the bathroom. The drainage screwed up and I was the contractor for dump trucks, putting in a driveway and digging up drainage field.
So I am able to get off the couch finally. There is progress.
My heart continues to feel like it has been ripped out and my brain is pretty foggy.
I want to thank the survivors here who know what this feels like.  You have  courageously and generously shared your feelings and experiences.

This has helped me so  much. 

Lots of love
Sea storm

[lighter]

Seastorm:

There's a time to lie on the sofa for 3 days and 4 nights watching bad tv till it all looks the same.

There's a time to roll around in the shower and "sing in your chains like the sea"

and a time to go out and plant raspberry bushes and feel the sun and breeze on your skin.

There's a time to put sad music on and remember how nice N used to make you feel

before you realized he was broken beyond repair

and what you really miss is the idea you had in your head. 

The image, not the mawing dark empty toxic dump that's reality.

There's a time to thank God he's not your problem anymore. 

And really mean it.

I hope there's a time when you're so angry you floss with religous fervor and clean the house with frightening intensity.  I really do, lol.  The floors never feel that kind of clean,
almost sacred.

But most of all, I wish you the ability to enjoy the rain and every taste and texture that comes your way. 

Enjoy the small things

and the ability to feel worthy of those pleasures. 

Nestle into a good book and a perfect cup of comfort and warmth. 

Sleep without bad dreams and wake without dread.

There will be a time when you wake up and feel glad to be alive again.

I've finally learned to trust that it'll come around. 

I don't really ever doubt it, though I'm sometimes impatient with it's ETA. 

The time we must spend in the void really really really.....



really really


really


really



::sigh:::



hurts. 

And then it's time to move out of it. 


Again.   

[Sea storm]

I sure hope you're right.

That was very                    BEAUTIFUL
                   very
                           very
           

[teartracks]

(((((((((((((((seastorm))))))))))))))))))

Steady as you gol  Things will get better...

tt

[lighter]

I sure hope you're right.

That was very                    BEAUTIFUL
                   very
                           very
           

I've been deep in the void a few times.  Major times.  I'm talking losing myself in a relationship and suffering when it ended and I had to pick myself up and create a life and decide who I was and what I liked to do then do it even though I didn't have the energy to brush my teeth.   Whew.



This is my fourth VOID, Storm. 

Oh no  <picturing future dating scenarios and explaining who I am> BLECH. 

<singsong cheerleader voice>  Hi, I'm Francie and I'm an Aries and I've been through the void 4 times so I'm going to be hard to kill but if you're the right guy you'll be able to put me so deep in  I won't be able to scratch my way clear.  Do you think you're the guy with the ability to create the PERFECT VOID? 
If so, why?  Have any of your past relationships ended in complete insanity for your partner? 
Are you being stalked currently? 
Are you stalking anyone currently? 
How many Thanksgiving dinners do you currently have to eat during the Holidays? 
How many ex wives do you get to torture currently? 
I want to make sure you have enough time to torture me, proper.  <nodding> 

Ummmm, sorry.  Back to the void. 
I'll worry about defending my boundaries next week.

There's a pattern to this void stuff and knowing that takes some of the fear out of it. 


I don't have to worry about it lasting forever any more,
which was a very real fear during that first void. 

After all, I didn't know what was happening to me.  I'd never been there before.  I'd never had to FILL it before.  I didn't know it needed filling.  <shrug> 

Who knows this stuff?

The second time I knew where I was and why, but still didn't know when it would end or exactly how. 

The third I knew what it was and how to get out, it was just a matter of time. 

Sure enough, I got myself up and out and


RIGHT INTO THE CURRENT MESS I'M IN NOW,
come to think of it.

<scratching head>

But my point is
The last time I moved through the void, it was very quickly. 

I'd been there, done that. 

Less fear bc it was familiar. 
I had more information.  Really, there is a process and pattern to the void.  You'll have this lesson too, soon enough. 

You also have the advantage of knowing about N's and that means you can avoid them in the future.  You're that far ahead now too.  BIG.


Nothing, good nor bad, lasts forever. 

There's a reason people say that.

[axa]

Sea


Well done.  Delighted to hear about all your amazing achievements and also that you are hanging on in there.......... fantastic, well done girl


Lighter.

What wonderful posts........... been in the void a few times mmyself also  and it does get easier each time.  How to stay out of it is the challenge for me now.  I just loved your posts.......... hit the nail on the head.  I think you are right, we may go back to similiar places but the more aware and informed we are the less we can get hurt to the same extent.

Cheers,

Axa