Advice please

[axa]

Could do with some advice here guys. 

Been thinking about Xns visit and I know he has NOT got the message and there is a good chance he will be back.

My overriding gut feeling when he came to my house was that he was SMUG.  A bit like the cat who got the cream, he has a subserviant source of supply at home and his daughter while I am alone.  I know he does miss all the supply I gave him, the fun, attention, intellectual stimulation etc and my guess is that he came back to establish a "friendship" he could use as a release from the boredom of domestic life.  Also, his "friendship" with me would be a good control tool for him to use to keep x/present wife in line.  I can just hear him "Axa and I are just good friends, do you not want me to have friends, that is very controlling of you"  I am 100% clear that I want nothing to do with him.  In fact I feel like he has soiled my life by his unexpected appearance.  I know he cannot let go of things = people.  My guess is that he saw our encounter as a blip but given time I will soften and we will be best buddies, maybe even get back together again.. NOT.  He used to tell me that he could always get round me and I would give in eventually.  I think this is what is going on for him.

All I care about right now is how to keep him away and have been thinking about that.  I am convinced if I do nothing he will be back and I do not want to have him near me ever again.  I have thought about writing to his x/present wife who he now lives with AGAIN -   I think if I tell her he came to see me and make it clear that I threw him out and want nothing to do with him, he may get the message.  My guess is that he does not have any other source of supply so he needs her to stay and is smart enough to see that it is in his interest to keep away from me and not risk further encounters.  He has always banked on the fact that I never squealed on him.  I know he would twist and lie about his visit here but the fact that she knows he is playing games again could act as a deterrent.  He is like a little boy who hates to be found out and behaves himself when he gets caught lying.

When things were really crazy I know he was telling her one thing and me another so neither of us knew what really was going on.  My thinking is that if I make it clear to her how I feel she is in on the picture and he knows I am serious.  I have always avoided contact with her because that seemed too crazy to me but I am sure she does not know what he has been up to since I dumped him.  It feels like I cut across the lines.  Part of me feels that the reason I did not tell her what had been happening was because at some unconscious level I was in denial and had hope that we would work it out.  I do not want this to happen now.  I believe if I get this message to her it is my best hope of him hearing me.

What do you think.  I just want to stop any encounter with him.  I know I did the right thing in not engaging with him... but I do know him.  And he will be back.

axa

[Stormchild]

I vote for contacting her, but give yourself time. Write the letter a couple ways. Write the screaming one that you won't send, first [use red ink, or a red font color if you do it on the computer, so you won't make a mistake and mail it by accident!]. Then give yourself a break for a couple hours or a couple days, and write the grown up one that you will send. In which you start off by apologizing to her, even if you don't feel apologetic, because no matter what he did or why, he had an existing obligation to her first, and you intruded on it... even though he initiated things. After all, you could have said, 'no, you're married.' So an apology for not saying that is a good place to start.

This will get her off the defensive, and you can then move forward from there to say that you know it was wrong to be involved with him, and that you have no intention of doing so again, and that you want her to be aware that he has been making efforts to reconnect with you on some level. You don't know what level, but you don't care, and you can tell her this, too. You know he is not trustworthy - look what he did to his own wife with you as an accomplice - and you wish to make amends to her, and you want her to know what is going on as part of that process of making amends.

Make it very clear that you are out of this, that you have no intention of going back into it, and that you are sending this and putting it in writing as a way of making that intention into the equivalent of a written guarantee to her.

Give yourself time to edit and cool down.

Then take this version to your bank, make a copy, have the copy notarized, and send the notarized copy. To her. By registered mail, with her signature required for delivery, so that he can't intercept it and prevent her receiving it. You can tell her you've notarized it and kept the original in case she ever needs to cite it for legal purposes. [This implying that she might use it as evidence against him. That being something you'd consent to. And you are protecting yourself by sending a notarized copy so that it cannot be falsified by her or him, to cause you damage later on.]

Just suggestions, but I'm serious about the registered mail thing. You want to make sure that he has no ability to disrupt this. Also, if he has the gall to show up at your doorstep again, you have documented your disinterest in no uncertain terms, and can use that if you need to.

[lighter]

Part of me wants you to ignore him and her and their life together and what goes on or doesn't go on between them
Don't give any of this another thought.

Part of me wants to help you figure out what you're going to say to the wife, lol.  He should have some light shined on his sick manipulative behavior.  She should get a heads up if only bc it cramps his style, IMO.  ::rapid nodding of head::

I don't want to see you waste another minute dwelling on him.  ::shaking head::

On the other hand..... he really deserves to get smhacked by you and by her.  ::nodding::

On the other hand, you have better things to do with your time, Right?  ::nodding::

See where this is going?  

I'm just not healthy enough yet to know where to stop in the seesawing, lol.

Let me know which one you choose and I'll support you.  

::whispering::  Secretly I'm hoping you stop thinking about him and enjoy a wonderful life without another visit.

[tayana]

I agree with Stormchild, Axa.  I think you should contact her, and I would do the registered mail thing, otherwise she might not get the letter. 

[lighter]

Eh..... your XN's wife already KNOWS he's a lier, a deceiver, a manipulator and a cheater, lol. 

You're taking the time to REMIND her of this is a waste, IMO. 

SHE ALREADY KNOWS! 

<clearing throat>

On the other hand, and isn't there always another hand? 

If you are going to contact her I'd do it in writing bc it denotes no emotional content and she can't give you a knee jerk defensive response bc she's embarrassed and horrified and taking it out on you.  She can re read it as many times as she likes, and I'm guessing it will be often, then think about what you're trying to say when she's calmer.  The best case scenario is that she uses it in a legal offensive against him and begins to understand what it is she's up against with regard to protecting her daughter and helping her learn to cope with a destructive N father.

You may wish to include a well chosen book with that registered letter?

I also like Stormchild's suggestion to have it notorized and sent registered mail.  I wouldn't have thought of that but it takes a lot of future worry and guessing out the situation.

Economy of motion and emotion. 

[debkor]

Axa, 

I personally would not contact either of them.  She is as sick as he is and dances with him still.  If and when he showed up at my door the only words I would speak would be Do not come here again I'm calling the police and close the door.

I would not even put another ounce of energy into his actions that letter would be letting him have the power he came there for to emotionally something to you.  Even if it's just annoying you.  He got something.  That letter will prove that he got to you. No power Axa, GIVE HIM NONE. IMO


Deb

[lighter]

Deb:

I agree with much of what you say.  The wife has already figured out that he's cheated with Axa and that her husband is exactly what would be shared in that letter.  SHE KNOWS. 

When he comes to the door again, I vote Axa go to the other end of the house and enjoy a nice cup of tea and read or watch something good on TV.  I'd say shower but I'm afraid he'd break in or just walk in and that simply wouldn't do to be caught so vulnerable, as that. 

OK, put on some energetic music and DANCE hard and strong and fast!  Ya, that's what I vote! <nodding>

I vote DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR!  No response, no contact NOTHING.

It's been proven that 6 weeks of NO CONTACT is what it takes to break a regular stalker of a bad habit. 

NO CONTACT, nothiing at all.

Quiet.

Shhhhhhh.

Any small contact, anything, means you have to start all over again and with N's how many times do you want to keep starting over?

[debkor]

Lighter,

YES, YES, YES,   I agree.  Do not answer the door!! Oh yeah I forgot answering the door is even an acknowledgement.


Love
Deb

[axa]

Storm,

I did not make myself clear.  When I met XN he was legally seperated.  Court case, division of assets etc.  Legally the marriage was over.  In my country this is what people do rather than divorce. She had left him 10 years previously so he was free and single.  And according to him he had not had a relationship with anyone in that time. True or false nobody knows. I would not under any circumstances get involved with a married man.  So it was not as if I was doing anything wrong.  She moved out and had little contact with him or her children.  In fact she abandoned their young daughter who lived with him and rarely saw her.  

She came back into the picture a year before we split up.  I believe because she had not worked in the interim and was running out of money.  SHe also has no intention of working and needed a meal ticket.  Her daughter is now 18 and she has become like mother earth.  I was with her daughter when she would try and call her Mom and saw the hurt she experienced when her mom would not even answer her calls.  She is a very strange woman, cold and distant and no doubt damaged from her time with XN.

I could not care less what goes on between the two of them.  My objective is that he stays away and knows that I am serious.  

More input please

axa

[axa]

Me again,

I would not have answered the door if I had known he was outside........ I came around the back of the house and he was standing at the front door.  Not changing my lovely hardwood door for that creep LOL.  He is a cerebral N and has little interest in women other than supply, not interested in sex.......porn is his thing of choice.  She would have no sense of his infidelity.  She was a free agent and single also so she may have had relationships in the time they were apart.  Bottom line its like being divorced and going back for more........ now thats nuts.

axa

[lighter]

:Sheepish grin:

Well, that's how nasty rumors get started, lol. 

Sorry I said he cheated on ex with you, lol. 

My point is, that she's been there done that and she already knows he's got problems.  If he's her meal ticket and nothing more, well that's still her problem, not yours.

If your insticts tell you to NOT ANSWER THE DOOR then it will be that much easier to limit contact with him. 

If he won't go away from the door and you must leave soon, then call the police and tell them what?  Hmmmm tell them that....

1)  An unstable ex boyfriend has been banging on your door for x amount of time and won't leave, you feel threatened can they please come and take him away? hee

2)  That some strange man is knocking and knocking and you're concerned? 

After all, you didn't recognize him the first time he came around. 

I just love that you gave him no contact the first time.  The only improvement I can see is not letting him in the next time or acknowledging that you even know he's there, if you can help it. 

[axa]

I am not very good at making myself clear.  I did not let him in.  He stood in my yard for the few minutes I ignored him and then left.  I dont want to be in a position where I am anxious every time someone knocks on my door in case it is him. 


I know what you mean CB but my instinct tells me this is probably the only way he will get the message.  He will twist my lack of response into something like,,,,,she is angry with me which means she still loves me so i still have a chance in there.  I just wish he would drop off the face of the bloody earth.  I dont want to be involved with him or her but somehow I have let him off the hook so many times by not coming clean to her.  I could not care less what goes on between them but she could hold the key to him leaving me alone.  He is getting older and from what I saw on Friday getting less and less attractive by the day.  He needs her.  He needs to have a source of supply and because of his crazy social skills and general lack of interest he will want to hold onto her as supply.  Think she could keep him in line to some extent.  Also there is part of me would like her to know what he is playing at and then exit stage left............. just very confused right now.

Axa

[CB123]

Axa,

I think you have developed a lot of wisdom over the last few months and I would trust your own instincts.  I think you are probably seeing him pretty clearly, and you have a good plan.  My idea would mean you would have to see him again, and I can see how you don't want to be surprised again.  That would really shake me up, too.

Sending her a letter might very well give you the chance to take a deep breath again and not be looking over your shoulder.  I think you should do what feels right to you.  The important thing is that you get your balance and let them be off balance for awhile if that's what it takes. 

CB

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  It reminds me of how you get an abusive man to stop the abuse--you bring it to the light of day. In this case,contacting the wife will do this. It will stop any potential triangle.
  CB made a good point. However, as you said, the final vote should be your gut.
  I sense that you just want to 'get it over with" and contacting the wife  should do it            Love
                                                                                                                                       Ami

[BonesMS]

If he were doing that crap to me, showing up unannounced, etc., like that, I would get an ex parte or restraining order against him.

Bones