Sunday

[sfalken]

--Modified; Personal Reasons--

[tayana]

Gee, that sounds so very familiar, especially that line about not being able to drive in the dark.  My nmom used to use that one on me when I did live away from home.  She also used the excuse that they couldn't come visit because of the dog.  It was my dog that I couldn't take to school with me.  I lived in a pet friendly apartment complex though, and they could have brought the dog.  I would have liked that.  They would never visit when I wanted, only on my birthday, parents day, and the day I went home for the summer.  The rest of the time, I had to go home and visit.  I always hated that.

I wouldn't compromise on letting them visit the kids when you aren't there, like CB said. 

Good for you on enjoying yourself.  I'm sure your kids enjoyed you spending time with them. 

[lighter]

sfalken:

I'm so glad you have your wife to support you.  Having that understanding is so big. 

I agree with CB that your mother wants to stomp on your boundaries, with regard to her visiting the children while you aren't there.  She didn't ask, she TOLD you. 

Sounds like you have her figured out and can handle her.  Sorry you have to deal with this at all but, you're doing great. 

How are you going to handle future visits between your children and your parents? 

[Ami]

Dear RA CB and Tayana,
    It we could take a movie of their craziness, it would be funny. It would be funny if it were happening to someone else.
  I can picture a 'game show" in my mind- Can you top that? We, who had N parents would compete .
   I remember one where a hurricane 5 was coming right to where I live.  We were in a shelter and I called her to tell her that we were O.K.. I had this weird foreboding that I should not call her. However, I always wanted to appear and BE normal and for her to appear and BE normal. So, I thought that I would do the 'normal" thing.
   She said,"I have been through hurricanes before.,You are just exaggerating it .               Love Ami

[Ami]

Dear RA,
  It is a horror show. It would be so much easier if they were even "more"mentally ill. The fact that they can appear"normal" makes us doubt our reality so much more.If they were schizophrenic or Tourettes syndrome or some other "obvious" thing,it would be so much easier.
  It really has all the aspects of a good horror movie. The hero alone faces the Monster. No one else can see  that it is a  Monster so the hero has to  fight the Monster all alone.
 Then, other people side with the Monster. You look to the other parent for help and they turn you back around and give you to the Monster.
   You are completely alone and the whole world is telling YOU that you are the crazy one and the Monster is the sane one                                                           Ami

[Overcomer]

I was talking to someone who said these N moms can be secretly mean-that is why I always want a witness with me.  I also do that when my h is drunk-I call one of my daughters in the room to protect me from his rantings.  Also my mom has been stopping by un announced-if she calls I usually opt out of a visit so she just shows up-what to do?

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
   I think that a relationship with them consists of their violating your boundaries. That is a defining  feature. If you have a boundary, they will push against it.Why? I don't know. Maybe, they don't want us to have any pride or integrity in ourselves.
   I don't know ,but my mother seems to have a radar on any time that I tried to get self esteem . She would try to destroy any  sense of  'feeling good" or  strong that I had..
   I am sorry that you live close enough to have to deal with this                     Love Ami

[tayana]

Ami,

I know what you mean.  It seems like when I get one foothold under me, and I'm feeling secure, then something comes along and tips another one.  My mom's favorite is to antagonize the school.  One of the reasons I have so many problems with school is that she won't let me handle anything.  She always has to butt in and put in her opinion too.  Or else she's calling the school to complain without my permission.  It is MY CHILD, not hers. 

I am not a fan of the public school system, but I don't have other options right now.  There is a school I'd really like, but my son is a little young for it, and I can't figure out how to get him there and back or pay the tuition. 

There is an autism school in my county, but to attend that you have to be referred by the school district.  I have talked to them before.  We went around and around about that place yesterday.  I'd already told her I didn't want to put my son there because I wanted him in an INCLUSIVE classroom to model the behavior of "typical" kids.  But she just goes on and on, ignoring the fact that I've already talked to the place, and never listening.  No doubt, she'll call on her own now.

It's that sort of thing, or coming into my room without asking.  I'm supposed to have an upstairs apartment, but she can come upstairs and rearrange things and touch and look all she wants.

That's why I want away so badly, so I can just have peace.

[Overcomer]

Thanks Am-RA, Try this-Mom, I will need to get back to you on this-the kids may be booked that day-then schedule something.  But of course they could do what my mom is doing-stopping by without a call!

[Hopalong]

Tayana, hon--
Your mother is REALLY intrusive, bashing through your boundaries like a bulldozer.

Hon, please hunt out an Assertiveness Training Workshop. Find a women's center--community, university-based, ask a psychologist.

You will grow STRONG with these skills. Talking to your mother, allowing her to penetrate your skull and invade your domain as a mother...all this will recede when you have the tools to know how to set boundaries and keep them.

These are your rights as a human being and as a parent. You are NOT a child.

Courage and guts, you have them...and I am so impressed with your determination.

Do not let go of your determination. You can do this!

hugs
Hops

[CB123]

Tayana,

You can contact the school and tell them that they do NOT have your permission to discuss anything about your son with your mother.  There is so much focus on privacy these days--I think you could probably put a stop to that.

CB

[Hopalong]

AbsoLOOTLY ditto what CB said, Tayana.

She is not the parent and has no right to speak to the school about your son without your permission!

Just speak to the head of the school and make that clear. Tell, don't ask, them to not discuss your child with your mother.

Sorry I'm sounding bossy. Don't mean it that way.

I'm just excited for you! 

Hops

[tayana]

Hops, CB, I'll look into the assertiveness training. My employer may actually offer something like that.  We have special training classes, but I'm not eligilble for all of them.  I think I need that, although I have gotten so much more . . . (gutsy? that's not the word I want) . . . in the last few years.  I don't think I could have done this a few years ago.

The one good thing about the last school my son was in was that they made a policy of only talking to me, but that did not stop her from spouting her mouth off when she picked him up from school to whoever was in the pick-up line.  Looking back, I realize now that she ruined a couple of daycare situations for me by doing stuff like that.  That was part of the reason my son was labeled as a "problem child."

At the new school, whereever it is, I don't intend to have her driving or picking up my son.  She will not be getting a key to my house/apt./whatever.  And I intend for her to call before she pops in.  I don't think that's too much to ask.

Of course, she'll say all sorts of nasty things behind my back about how I'm just trying to hurt her, and she's going to die, but the first isn't true, and I don't think the second will happen.

[Overcomer]

I used to tell my mom to call first and her response was,"what are you hiding?"  And I also realize that I walk into my parents house without calling-maybe I will make a point of calling first so I will practice what I preach!