Good News

[tayana]

Deb,

I was thinking the other day . . .

Why am I afraid of this woman?  And when I tried to think about why, all I could think about is the unending stream of criticism and off the wall comments she's made to me.  I was afraid of her disapproval, not her. I've certainly done enough things that she's not approved of, from my job choices to my major at school.  I've let her talk me out of things I enjoyed doing, like playing in an orchestra, which I really miss.  I've let her talk me out of jobs, out of career choices.  I've let her counsel me about what to do in various situations, and that's always wrong.  I let her talk me into putting my son in a school I had real misgivings about, but I did it, and it was a disaster.  When I thought about all of that, suddenly she wasn't so scary anymore, in fact she seemed a little small and weak.  And then when I found about all of the court proceedings she's kept from me, I just couldn't stay in that place and look at her and pretend that everything was okay.  I was already wanting to leave.  I just  needed that extra little push to make it happen, because if she did this to me, I have to wonder what else she's done, who else she's talked to, what else she's covered up.  I can't trust her, and my ability to trust wasn't that good before I found out about all of this.

Like I told my dad, I'm not going to stay there and be manipulated because she needs a whipping post.  She sits around and feels sorry for herself and she wants everyone else to feel sorry for her too.  I told her that one time when she'd stopped speaking to me for something stupid, oddly enough, she started speaking to me again almost immediately.  I never understood, but I knew all she was fishing for was sympathy.  She wants my family to feel sorry for her because she has medical conditions.  She'll do nothing to alleviate those conditions.  She won't go to a different doctor, even though everyone has told her to.  I'm quite certain she's severely depressed.  Her doctor just looked at her and said, "you're depressed."  She has this whole paranoia about anything that's said because she thinks everyone is talking about her.  I am so tired of it.  I can't remember the last time I really enjoyed a holiday, except perhaps Thanksgiving last year, when I got to do the cooking and everything.  That was one of the better ones.  I can't remember when I did anything without feeling guilty.  I just don't want to do it anymore.

[Hopalong]

"You think you're so smart !" 

"That's right. I'm smart, I'm strong, I learn all the time. I'm also a good mother. Excuse me, I've got to move this box, no time to talk...busy-busy"

 

Hops

[lighter]

"You think you're so smart !" 

"That's right. I'm smart, I'm strong, I learn all the time. I'm also a good mother. Excuse me, I've got to move this box, no time to talk...busy-busy"

 

Hops

Hee

[tayana]

That's funny, Hops.

[debkor]

Tayana,

I think we get conditioned not even knowing we have especially for kids with an N parent.  So much more time to work you from very little.  The weak, the little ones, the vulnerable are so easy their target to form and shape minds.  Mold them into what they need them to be. Or I should say make you think what they want you to think they are.  They do it so good and so skillfull that when you start to see different people, different ideas, different ways of life you wonder if their life is the abnormal one.  Then you see that you have been given bad advice, your way of living is not the right way.  You start to move towards the normal life.  You resist, you complain, you take some control, you question and you confront them.  Whoa!! oh no, they lose (control grounds) which sets them into a panic and watch out!!!!! They will use every trick up their sleeve and be able to switch their faces in a blink of an eye. They count on confusing the hell out of you so they can gain back control.  When it does not work they resort to Guilt and Shame. After they have accomplished making us feel guilt and shame we are vulnerable and feel *bad* we may not feel wrong but we feel *bad* then we want approval that we are good people we do good things. Did you ever hear yourself saying, I'm not doing this to hurt you.  I don't want to hurt your feelings that's not what I mean to do.
I mean really, who gives a shit, we are the ones who got hurt and yes we are the ones apologizing and asking for approval of it.  That is what they count on.  That is how they conditioned us.  When you start to break away and no going back you are leaving them with their tactics that ( will not work on you anymore) that is when you see thee biggest DRAMA and Anger episode you will ever see. They will go to anyone who cares to listen and all you can think is God Help Them! they know not what they are dealing with for if they did they would never give them the time of day.

Sometimes it's really hard to let go but if you do not you will go down with them.  They are rather sad people when you really think about it but I am not responsible for their life or happiness. God knows I gave up mine while I was married thinking that you become responsible for the other when they are not being responsible for their own actions.  Whats that saying, Family takes care of family, somewhere in my head I guess I thought I was obligated at any cost because afterall we are family.  Then I woke up!

Deb

[tayana]

Deb,

I understand exactly what you just said.  I have always felt guilty about going against my "family's wishes" even though what they wanted from me didn't feel right.  I was brought up to believe you stuck with your family no matter what, but when I really needed my "family," when I was so depressed I was considering suicide, they weren't there.  I'm still angry about that.  Everytime I consider a decision, like moving, I get the whole, "you're only doing this to hurt me speech."  When my mom found out I was thinking about moving she says, "I know you're only doing this to hurt me."  And that wasn't it at all.  I was doing it for me, and for my son, so he could go to a better school and get some services.  I was doing it because I have this horrible fear of her having a heart attack while she's watching my son and he'll be with her all alone and panic.  I was doing it because I needed my own space.  I was doing it because I'm spending a fortune driving back and forth to work, and I'm tired of driving.  According to her though, I'm only moving to hurt her.

I'm reminded of the first time I took my son on vacation and she told me she would be in the hospital when I got back.  She wasn't, and it was the most relaxing trip of my life.  Of course she didn't talk to me for weeks, at least until my aunt and uncle came to visit and she had to pretend we were the happiest family in the world.  Evidently, my feelings just don't matter.

I was thinking this morning while I was driving in to work that I could forgive her for taking out the credit cards and doing what she did if she was just remorseful about it.  But she wasn't.  She denied that is was even her card, if that was the case, then why go to such great lengths to hide all evidence of it.  She wasn't remorseful at all, and then she whimpered and begged and is terrified I'll tell my father.  She's so afraid everyone is going to abandon her that she does everything in her power to make certain we can't leave.

She is a very sad person, Deb, and I do pity her.  I'm just tired of being responsible for her health and well-being.

[JanetLG]

Tayana,

Several times in this thread you've mentioned 'I'm going to get the 'you think you're so smart' criticism.

When my Nmum wanted to be sarcastic, she used to say to me 'You're just like your father! (to her, the biggest criticism there is!)

I eventually hit on the right response:

'Thank you!'

It stopped her dead in her tracks.

Perhaps you could do the same with 'You think you're so smart!'

'Yes, I do - thank you for reminding me!'

It IS such a smart decision, and a normal, adult one at that.  *Normal* parents bring up their children to leave them one day, so what's her problem?

You deserve to have peace and quiet in your own place, just you and your son.


Janet

[tayana]

Janet,

I like that idea. I think I'll do that. 

I don't know what her problem is.  I really don't.  Living with them was always meant to be temporary, not permanent, but she seems to think she'll always have me and my son "to take care of."  She won't take care of herself, but she insists on taking care of everyone else.  She will actually fuss at me for ironing my own clothes, or washing my own laundry, that sort of thing.

I really think it has less to do with me, and far more to do with my son.  I think my son is like her third chance to get things right, even though she routinely complains about his behavior, about how forgetful and lazy he is, etc.  I won't listen to anymore of that.  I just won't.

I'm sure she'll probably get over the whole moving thing.  I'm still trying to decide if I should just get the announcement over with at our get together on Sunday.  I really think it would be the smart thing to do, at least then there's witnesses to one of her rages.

[JanetLG]

If you tell her in front of others, she might be all sweetness and light at the time, but come back at you afterwards, when there's only the two of you. Appearance is all, with N's, after all.

Just a thought.

Janet

[tayana]

That's true too.  I'll think about it.  I'm still waiting for my attorney to call so I can get a letter from him, but as far as the property is concerned, this place is mine. 

I'm just going to be moving sooner than I'd planned.

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
  What I hear in you is an anger. It is good(IMO). It is a righteous anger. I hear more of an anger than a hoplelessness and a "giving up".
   Anger is the emotion that we should have so we  are not violated. It is a God given emotion that is supposed to protect us. N mother's robbed us of this vital emotion so that we would never have the right response to them(which was anger).They were destroying us but we never had the  corresponding anger( I didn't anyway)
   I am coming to this conclusion by reading your posts and it seems right.
   The last thing that they want us to have is a conscious respect for our own emotions. In that way, we can be tossed and turned by them to do what they want with weak victims.
    Your anger will give you energy- which you need in order to go forward with this move    Love Ami

[tayana]

Dear Ami,

I am angry.  I am very angry.  I've been angry for a long, long time, much longer than I've been on this board.

I'm angry because my mother tried to ruin my credit and feels absolutely no remorse.

I'm angry because she has used my son to try to control my actions.

I'm angry because instead of helping me develop confidence, I'm 33 and still living with her like a loser.

I'm angry because I was denied to opportunities to do normal, childhood things, and she has tried to do the same to my son by isolating him.

I'm angry because all my life I've heard how disappointed she is in me.  She never used that word, but I knew that was what she meant.

I'm angry because she didn't love me unless I was doing what she wanted, how she wanted it.

I'm angry because she never listened to me or let me have an opinion about anything.

I'm angry because she made me feel worthless, unattractive, and unlovable.  She told me I was selfish and cold and lacking any sort of passion.  I believed those things until my best friend told me I wasn't any of those, that I couldn't be a writer and not have passion. 

All I ever wanted was to feel loved, and I never have.

Sorry that was such a long list, but I do feel better now, even if it did make me cry.

[Hopalong]

Aww, Tayana.

((((((((((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))))))

You are starting to stop believing all that junk...

A late start on happiness is not too late!!

Don't give your power away, ever again.
You can take it back now.

It's YOUR power, to learn how to be happy.
You're making a great start.

Hops

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
  Don't be sorry. We are about "voice" here. Our voice was "stopped". We were not allowed to be angry. That was the "worst" emotion. It was dangerous to them , I think.
  Tayana, anger is healthy. Depression and self hatred is not. Give voice and respect to your anger.
  You have earned every bit of it.  You did not have the 'right" to be angry for a lifetime(if you are like me). The anger went underground in to sickness and despair.
     Tayana, you are making so much progress. You are an inspiration to all who read your story. We  are rooting for you, Tayana                               Love Ami
         

[gratitude28]

Tayana,
The first thing I want to say is GOOD FOR YOU.
And now I want to add that my parents have done this to me since college. I left because I didn't care about them. But every time I went to see them, they started picking on me immediately. Many times I have told them I would just leave if they didn't stop (I meant it and they calmed down and backed off, but the "vacations" always sucked and took everything out of me.
The fact is, they don't like me. So anything I like, they don't. And if I start to like something they do, than they don't like that anymore. I can never be liked by them. I am always "difficult" (no one else in my life feels this way). You will NEVER be able to please her and you are so right - you will be her whipping girl forever - IF you don't make a change.
So I am praying that you get the apartment and move out pronto!!!!!! And I am sending love and strength.
Love, Beth