Good News

[tayana]

Thanks Hops and Ami. That made me cry all over again.  I don't really think of myself as an inspiration, Ami.  I don't see anything that special in what I'm doing.  i'm just doing the best I can.  I was having my nightly talk with God and praying this was going to turn out all right, and I just felt a sense of peace and assurance that everything was going to be fine..  I hope so.  I really do.

[tayana]

Gratitude,

Thanks so much!  I'm really excited right now.  I told my dad and my brother I'm moving, and that I would rent a truck and that I wanted to move the last weekend of this month.  I had plans for the previous weekend.  I told my dad I wasn't trying to be a *itch, but I needed space.  Well those weren't my exact words, but I did say I needed space from her.  I told him what my lawyer had said about the court date.  I'll make sure I can take off a few days after we move so that my son can get settled in the new place.

Right now my plan is to tell my mom in a few days, so that I can work on my son and get him pumped up about the idea.  Even though according to my mom I'm taking him out of a "stable home environment," and this is going to be terrible for him.  I have decided that I will tell her the reasons for moving, unrelated to her, and I won't accept any abuse from her.  If she starts, I'm going to walk away.  If she continues, my son, my dog and I go to a hotel for the night.  I refuse to be verbally abused, and I refuse to be emotionally manipulated. 

I know she won't see it like this, but this is really a good thing.  Who knows, I might actually be closer to my family, probably not my mom, but maybe everyone else.  My brother doesn't come around because of her.

[gratitude28]

Actually, Tayana, I do a lot better with my family when far away from them. We get along a lot better this way - even with my mother. We were able to get along somewhat from a distance. Does your dad know about your mom? How do you deal with your dad? I'd love to hear more.
Love, Beth

[tayana]

My dad and I get along fine and always have.  My dad is great.  He offered money if I needed it for the move, which I don't.  My dad is sort of the calm in the storm.  He doesn't get flustered easily.  He does know about the credit card fraud, and he says he understands my need for space.  He just doesn't stand up to my mother, nor has he protected me from her abuse.  My dad is at least rational and thinks fairly normally.  I just don't understand why he puts up with her, other than she would never be able to live on her own.

I think I'll do better with my family when I can leave them behind.  I did okay with them when I was in college and only visited.  I think I'll be better off when I can go home to my place.

[axa]

Tayana,

I spent 40 years being afraid of my mother.  It was that constant stream of abuse that had me beat down so much I was rigid around her.  When she was dying I went to the hospital to sit with her.  She had had a stroke and could not speak and for the first time in my life I was not afraid of her.  Her words had devestated me so much that they terrified me.  It was so strange looking at her in the hospital bed.  She was a tiny frail woman.  I never saw her before this time, never had the courage to look beyond those terrible words.

axa

[tayana]

Axa,

I have been afraid of her my whole llife, really afraid.  And it's only been in the last year or so that my fear hasn't controlled me.  I just see her as a very small woman now, a small, petty woman, who's very sad and miserable and wants everyone around her to feel the same.  I think one of the most telling things is that my son, who's 10, is also scared of her.  Just the other night, I asked him to take his dog out and just put on his sandals.  My mom hated that I bought the sandals for him, and so he put them on and says, "If Grandma sees, she's going to be SO mad."  I told him it was all right just to take the dog out. 

Last night he told me that when I was homeschooling, my mom used to grab his hair and pull it when he wasn't paying attention.  I also know she used to take his books and scribble all over the pages when he didn't do things perfectly.  She would make him rewrite things over and over, even though he has a writing disability that makes writing difficult.  These things are abuse.  I can't label them as anything else.  He told me he's always afraid she will hit him when she gets mad.  It's just wrong, and I would rather send him to a dozen camps that have that woman in charge of him again.

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
   I love your quote so much. I did not realize that your M was that bad. It is abuse. It really is. You are doing the right thing to get away.
  The other night,on one of your posts, you said that you prayed and got a peace and an assurance. I am so happy for you. If you get a chance read Frederick Douglass' book. He got out of slavery the way that you are getting out of another kind of slavery.
    You go girl.You are doing so very well.  !!!!                   Love Ami

[tayana]

Ami,

Thanks so much!  I have read parts of Frederick Douglass's book.  I was an English major in college, and it was required reading.  I'll have to look for it and read it again.  I must confess I don't really remember it. 

That's my favorite quote.  Eleanor Roosevelt has so many good quotes.  She has another one that I love, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Ami, I didn't know my mom had done some of these things either until my son told me last night.  I was telling him about moving, and he was so mature about it, even excited.  He's a little sad and a little nervous, but I told him I was too and that was okay.  I told him that if he wanted to stay with Grandma for some of the summer, and if she was willing to do it, he could.  I also told him Grandma was going to be very angry with me for a while.  Homeschooling, while in one sense was a wonderful experience, and I totally support the idea, was a terrible mistake.  It gave my mom far too much control over my son and let her think she could get involved in his education.

I think we're going to be just fine. I'm clinging to that peace and reassurance I found the other night.

[Hopalong]

Dear Tayana-mama,

GOOD FOR YOU!

 

(And good for your sweet son.)

hugs,
Hops

[tayana]

Thanks Hops! I'm feeling really good this week.  I might not rant at my T when I see him Monday.  Of course, I still have to tell the nmom I'm moving.