Relationship Readiness

[WRITE]

I was reading about this earlier and here are my 10 non-negotiable things I would look for in a potential partner:

1. attractive/attracted
2. manages their life
3. spiritually in balance
4. lives a healthy lifestyle
5. is happy
6. we have significant interests in common: music, writing, nature especially
7. compassionate/ kind / non-abusive
8. likes children & pets & family life
9. shares my values: eg. faithfulness, monogamy, interfaith, feminism, love of G_d, social responsibility, commited to personal growth
10. good sense of humour, good-humoured!

I just shot these off without thinking at all, a year ago when we did this I wasn't nearly so sure; at this rate I'll be ready for a relationship by...oh, 2010 

What do other people think?
Would your list differ significantly from mine?

[WRITE]

well I was hoping someone would comment on this, does this mean I am doing good or just so deluded these days it's not worth even trying to advise me? 

[dandylife]

write,
I actually replied once on this, but something happened to it and it flew out into cyberspace, never to be seen again!

Sorry!

I think it's an awesome list. What stands out greatly to me is the "manages their life". Wow. Yes. Self-disicipline, or self-motivation would be very important to me.

Also, "is happy". Oh my goodness, how life would be so much more pleasant to be with someone who is happy. Just that one simple thing. Would mean so much to me.


I don't really think about a list anymore, as I am back in a relationship with my former NH. And I have given up on the happiness trait. It ain't gonna happen. But if I were looking, that would be #1!

Then it would be kindness. When a person has a choice to respond kindly or sarcastically or any other way, how do they respond? I want the kind person. The thoughtful, empathetic one.

And then future planning would be important. Spontaneity is great, but then what about a month from now, can they pay the bills?

I think a thirst for learning is great, too, I'm a HUGE reader.

Good luck to you in your quest!!

Dandylife

[CB123]

Write,

Actually, I read your list and sat and thought about it for a bit.  I tried to imagine ever being to a place where I could make a list like this.  With a whole lot of work, I thought real hard and...couldnt imagine it.  I just cannot imagine wanting to give my self wholeheartedly to another man. And yet, I would never consider doing it half-heartedly. 

I was sorry that I seem to be so jaded.  I didnt want to rain on your parade.  I'm glad you have gotten to the point that you are so optimistic.  I will watch you as you make forays into this new area, and cheer you on.

Love

CB

[isittoolate]

http://www.selfcounseling.com/help/personalsuccess/personalvalues.html

is a checklist for Personal Values.
Hi

I am trying to put together beliefs, values, maybe thoughts on my attitude for my next therapy session.

I thought I would put that Link here, instead of my thread. More people might seee it.

xx
Izzy

P.S. Not looking for a man. ;0)

visit my thread on New Approach and see if you can be of help.??? Thanks.

[isittoolate]

To get moving towards Living Your Values Centred Life today, and;
·   Reduce your stress levels
·   Develop a reputation as someone who has high integrity
·   Decision making is simple
·   Increase your sense of personal identity
·   Increase your assertiveness
·   Discover what you really want from key relationships
·   Increase your self awareness and
·   Say good bye to the people and situations who do not honour you and your values....

[WRITE]

I am back in a relationship with my former NH. And I have given up on the happiness trait. It ain't gonna happen. But if I were looking, that would be #1!

oh dandylife I am so sorry.
I felt so sad reading that, I don't think I have read all your story or why you are back with him?
One of my friends recently went back to her N marriage and all i can say, it ws like a spark of vitality left her voice; I wanted so much to encourage her but I also knew- she has to do what is right for her in her own time. look how long I stayed....

That's my only regret though- staying so long. And what made me file my divorce; I can't wait any more.

I think that you would have to use your intuition, as your first line of defense. With a list of traits a person could get in trouble because they could be so centered on the list that they might miss what their gut is telling them,.

I think I don't listen to my head as much as I would like once my emotions are engaged.
Or take enough time before getting involved.

That said I am this time, the new man I like every time I am unsure I back off a little.
Before I would have felt insecure and wanted to push forward to secure things....now I know that is the way to secure a dodgy relationship!

And actually- i aren't even sure what our relationship will be long-term entirely, nor do I mind so long as it's a happy wholesome one.

I just cannot imagine wanting to give my self wholeheartedly to another man. And yet, I would never consider doing it half-heartedly.  

That sounds wonderful CB- you're not ready but not ready to compromise either!

This is the first man I have met who I have felt deep down was marriage-and-kids-potential but also he is in therapy for some issues which affected his first marriage, like competetiveness, and I am still not 100 % recovered from trauma. In fact as things improve my trauma hgas gotten a bit worse, I think i am actually able to experience it now more, and some of the denial is gone.

SO space is really important for both of us, and also if the relationship will thrive.

I really like him, and he really likes me.

You know that poem by Yeats, that line 'one man loved the pilgrim soul in you'?

That's how he makes me feel, he makes me smile. I sang well for something a few weeks ago and he had us do it all again, his face was a picture of delight.

It's like we are moving closer together in values too, as though things come up which need addressing and we go away and work them out.

Whatever happens i'll always love and appreciate him for being the first person I have trusted like this in a long long time, to show myself to and not be afraid.

One day we argued on the telephone, I was so happy afterwards, I could argue with him and knew he wouldn't hit me or hurt me or get back with revenge. It felt so healthy to be able to be annoyed in a normal way and express myself, and him the same, without diminuishing either of us.

Ami, my gut instinct is this man is for me; but I also want some other things to be okay, most of all that we are both feeling the same.

I married ex knowing he was difficult, knowing we had many many problems, remarried him knowing he was abusive....

G_d knows what my overall rationale was but it wasn't self-care or happiness.

Hopefully I can approach new relationships more slowly and thoughtfully.

Of course now i am quite happy on my own, that makes a big difference...

[CB123]

Write,

Even though I can't imagine trusting enough to do what you are doing, you seem so centered and whole.  I know there's more for you to do (and is for all of us), but I have seen so much growth in you since I started here. 

Your growth has inspired me and made me grow too.  Thank you.

CB

[Hopalong]

Write...
I am scared peeless at the idea of you feeling that "this man's for you".

Only because after I left my first marriage I entered a second one that was a horror.

You haven't known this man long, dear heart, and it would be so so so so so so easy to look for what you want to see.

Please, don't "fuse".

xxoo
Hops

[reallyME]

Write,

Like Ami, I am hesitant to comment, but not because I am apprehensive about what I want to say...I just tend to lack TACT at times, and am concerned at this not coming out right...however, that will not stop me from giving it a shot here.  I am hoping I do not sound pessimistic or cynical.  I just try to speak with honesty and forthrightness, my views on things, based on my own experiences.

Ami,

I'm GLAD you gave your comment.  You made an EXTREMELY good point!  I currently live with someone who has some wonderful traits and even had more when we first met...it's the subtle things I never noticed! 

I did tend to OVERLOOK the part about "this man's father molested both his daughter and step daughter, and has abused my husband and his brothers in the past."  I overlooked also, the fact that he was "more than willing to give you references" right up front, telling me "anyone in my town will let you know about my flawless reputation." (smacks self in head soundly)

I overlooked the fact that he resented my daughter and took his frustration out on her in the form of abuse (BEFORE I MARRIED HIM)

I overlooked the fact that he would refuse to eat anything that was fancy, spiced, nice, formal and INSIST that he always eat "what mom always made me"

I overlooked the fact that he LIVED FOR WORK!  (workaholic, even at the expense of family)

ALL BECAUSE HE SEEMED TO FIT THE WONDERFUL LIST I HAD MADE UP:

I wanted a man who was RESPONSIBLE, FELL IN LOVE WITH MY DAUGHTER BEFORE HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ME (oh  yes, till she interfered with something he was doing)

One who treated his mother well, cause after all, if he did, he'd treat me well too, right?  (when it came down to it, his mom always came BEFORE ME in our marriage...or else his SISTER did)...now for your list:

1. attractive/attracted

>>>my opinion here...NOT a good first trait at all.  The ones who are ultra attractive tend to KNOW it, FLAUNT it and USE it.  A little bit good-lookin doesn't hurt though.  You don't want to marry Atilla the Hun or Big Foot either.

2. manages their life

>>>This seems reasonable.  Just be careful that he doesn't manage HIS life, but trying to control YOURS.

3. spiritually in balance

>>>THIS SHOULD BE FIRST! My opinion

4. lives a healthy lifestyle

>>>This is a very good one, until he imposes it on you, insisting that you look a certain way or weigh a certain weight or eat only certain foods. (be lookin for that)

5. is happy

>>>As long as it's not at YOUR expense

6. we have significant interests in common: music, writing, nature especially

>>>Awesome!

7. compassionate/ kind / non-abusive

>>>Excellent to look for

8. likes children & pets & family life

>>>YES

9. shares my values: eg. faithfulness, monogamy, interfaith, feminism, love of G_d, social responsibility, commited to personal growth

>>>That sounds dreamy! very good ones!

10. good sense of humour, good-humoured!

>>>As long as you are not the brunt of cruel jokes, I say YES, go for this one!

I pray for you that BEST that God can give

~Laura

[WRITE]

I can't imagine trusting enough to do what you are doing

well I'm not really doing anything CB, except gettign to know someone a little, letting someone in in a way I haven't been able to before!

it would be so so so so so so easy to look for what you want to see.

Please, don't "fuse".

the interesting thing is since all this therapy etc I can't seem to do anything that doesn't 'feel' right- I get aches and pains and all kinds of warning symptoms as soon as I get out of balance....

I'm not going to hide all my life Hops because I was hurt and abused, I could never have foreseen what would happen with my ex whatever I had done, also- I survived as did you.
If I make another screw-up I'll have to start over yet again I guess... 

I really want to move on and enjoy just being again, beyond the 'precautions' I am taking I don't see what more I can do.

Thanks for worrying about me but I'll be fine.

attractive/attracted

>>>my opinion here...NOT a good first trait at all.  The ones who are ultra attractive tend to KNOW it, FLAUNT it and USE it.  A little bit good-lookin doesn't hurt though.  You don't want to marry Atilla the Hun or Big Foot either.

attractive/attracted to me I mean, I don't think I am attracted to model material or compose it!

One of the worst things about me and ex was on a basic level we just weren't sexually attracted; I overlooked it, told myself I was beign superficial if I paid attention etc.
Now I think- why would I want a marriage without a sexual attraction?
Maybe back then i was afraid of sex, who knows, but now I want to feel sexual feelings for my partner, otherwise I'll have them as just a friend.

I pray for you that BEST that God can give

thanks Laura.

[Bella_French]

I was reading about this earlier and here are my 10 non-negotiable things I would look for in a potential partner:

1. attractive/attracted
2. manages their life
3. spiritually in balance
4. lives a healthy lifestyle
5. is happy
6. we have significant interests in common: music, writing, nature especially
7. compassionate/ kind / non-abusive
8. likes children & pets & family life
9. shares my values: eg. faithfulness, monogamy, interfaith, feminism, love of G_d, social responsibility, commited to personal growth
10. good sense of humour, good-humoured!

I just shot these off without thinking at all, a year ago when we did this I wasn't nearly so sure; at this rate I'll be ready for a relationship by...oh, 2010 

What do other people think?
Would your list differ significantly from mine?

I think its a  very good list WRITE. I'm probably a little more flexible in some areas when it comes down to it though. For example, I would not expect my partner to be `perfect'....like being happy all the time, and having himself `all figured out' . I know how it feels when someone expects that of me as a condition of their love, and it didn't feel very acheivable or very loving.

I think the most important thing to me by far is the loving way with which my partner treats me at all times. The fact that he has a great sense of humour has helped smooth over many potential hardships, but I still love him even when he's feeling down or not particularly humorous.  We share a lot in common, but I really enjoy our differences too; they give us something to learn from one another. For example, I really love animals and nature, just like you WRITE. My partner wasn't so much into those things when we met, but I think my enthusiasm has rubbed off on him and he loves nature every bit as much as I do now. Also, I am a very creative person, whereas he is more focused and methodical about things.
His strengths have a  way of rubbing off on me, and I am grateful for his positive influence.

I guess what I am trying to say is that `lists' are so helpful for working out our values, but the reality of living with another fallible human being over time often means being flexible too:)

As a final comment, i just wanted to add that I think your `list' reflects your values, and I think they are very beautiful ones. They show that you are a wonderful person and I have no doubt that whoever you man is, or will be, he will be so lucky to have you.




 

[Hopalong]

Mega dittoes to what Bella said, Write:

I think your `list' reflects your values, and I think they are very beautiful ones. They show that you are a wonderful person and I have no doubt that whoever you man is, or will be, he will be so lucky to have you.

Sorry if I overdid the protectiveness, hon, I know that's annoying.

I probably over-identify. I just remember how I felt after exiting my empty marriage...how incredibly eager I was for a new relationship. In my case (probably not true for you) it kept me a little blinkered about pink/red/rosy flags.

But I'm glad you're feeling confident about your hopes for new love. I wish it for you too!

love
Hops

[axa]

Well, I think I should get an award for having the worst judgement when it comes to men.

For the first time in my life I am happy and not in a relationship.  When I think it might be nice to be with someone the memories of X flood back and I think oh boy am I glad to be single.  I have my N antennae up and whizzing.  In the unlikely event of me meeting someone I would take it sooooooooo slowly, my experience is the real person emerges after a year or two.  Don;t know if anyone would wait that long for me to make up my mind but heck I am enjoying myself in the meantime.

axa

[Stormchild]

Hi axa

it doesn't even take a year. There can be clues present from the very first date, or even before you have the first date. Keep your eyes open and your heart open too, and keep enjoying yourself!

There's nothing 'mean' about the 'meantime' !