Question

[lighter]

I also want to add a couple mantras I've picked up over the years.



1)  We are where we want to be. 
Meaning we have the power to make changes and get ourselves OUT of a place we truly desire to leave. 

2)  When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving, then we go.

3)  If we are uncomfortable, that feeling is telling us we are somewhere we do not belong. 

4)  When we have painful, sad, hurtful negative feelings, they're there to tell us something.  If we can calm down and listen to them, they have a message for us. 

5)  Sinking into painful feelings and just being with them, instead of running around reacting to them, is a good first step to becoming mindful and making better choices.  We can choose to do nothing but listen to our feelings for a while then choose actions from a place of strength. 

6)  Listen to what people DO, not what they say.  I heard it put this way once, "What you are speaks so loudly in my ears, I can't hear a word you're saying."  That makes so much sense when dealing with N's. 

7)  When someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them.  Regardless of what they TELLl you to believe. 

  Life is a journey, not a destination.  Every time you overcome something you realize how much stronger it makes you.  You're here for a purpose and you're on the path that God intended for you.  So is your mother.  Don't waste energy worrying about your mother.  Concentrate on you and believe that God has a plan. 

9)  When you have to suffer, ONLY DO IT ONCE.  Don't keep doubting and inviting that pain back again.  Experience it and move past it. 

10)  It's your job to require better treatment.   
       It's your job to NOT become overwhelmed. 
       Research, grow and learn to trust your feelings and instincts.  It will come.


9) 

[Lupita]

Dear Light, yours has been the most complete answer so far. I think I need several days to digest and internalize all this information and then move a step forward.
I will read this several times before I give you an answer.
Thanks a lot. I am sure that Ami and Tayana will have good use of all this. I will respond to this ina few days. I need to do a lot of work on studying your post before I answer.
Thank you so much for your time.
Lupita

[Hopalong]

Lighter,
Your post #15 was brilliant.
Thank you for that incredibly practical distillation of what it takes to heal.
So many great parts, but thanks for this especially:

We have to convince ourselves that we are worthy, capable of protecting ourselves.  Then we begin faking it till we get it.

I really think it's true. It's almost that simple.

Hops

[Lupita]

Summary


I assume someone is going to do or say something at my expense that I'm going to have to respond to. I suppose I come off aloof. So what? I always have. The difference is that I feel more grounded. I don't feel scattered and guilty and lost all the time. When I realize I'm definately going to be dealing with a person who is going to say hurtful irrational things, I put on an imaginary helmet that keeps those thoughts from getting in. When I'm in the middle of a bad conversation, before or after it, I find it helpful to rise above, figuratively, and view it from a great distance. I also approach the problem from the position of GIVING advice to someone else in that same position. For some reason, that allows me to make a jump into a different way of thinking. people who are mean to us are "transferring aggression." Think about that. Unhappy people like to bring others down with them. How do you feel when your boss blasts you? He probably feels better because he transferred some of his agression to you and now you feel worse. Those people suck, and you're not one of them. It's hard for us to wrap our minds around people hurting us to make themselves feel better. We don't have to understand it, but we do have to anticipate it and accept that it's true. For whatever reason. Thank God we don't have to figure it out. Too time consuming. Being mindful about sidestepping these people and filling our lives with better people is BIG. We can't always get away from them at work, at least I never could, but we can make better choices about who we let into our lives. We can make choices about how we deal with the toxic people. I just have to find better support systems. That's my job. That's your job too. So far, beating a dead horse is the best way for me to find more peace. Talking, writing thinking about what's bothering me till I've distilled it down to it's smallest most elemental parts. That removes the confusion and restores peace. It's time consuming. You deserve to be treated well. DO NOT DOUBT THAT. IT'S YOUR JOB TO REQUIRE BETTER TREATMENT. This is a truth that matters even if you don't yet feel it inside. It will come. I think most of the problems we experience come from a certain amount of "learned helplessness. We have to convince ourselves that we are worthy, capable of protecting ourselves. Then we begin faking it till we get it. It's a process. . I also find it helpful to "file" people in your head and heart. You may choose to keep your N mother in your life but REFILE her. (Or you may choose NC, at some point) It's OK to love people the way you need to, even if it's not what they say THEY NEED or want or that you owe them. You can still love your mother and choose to have no contact with her. Whatever you need is OK. Regardless of what others say THEY NEED. Your mother and boss, IMO, don't deserve your trust and they should be handled like unstable people who do you harm. You don't have to figure out WHY they do it, only believe that it's true and accept it. There's no changing those facts. Once you internalize it, some of the horror of the realization begins to dwindle then it becomes just alarming then sad and finally it's just a fact you've internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR TO GET THEM TO BE KIND OR DECENT. They won't ever be that. Give up that hope and change yourself FOR YOU. This is about making peace with your reality and building a whole new one. You can do that. Remember... it's your job to NOT become overwhelmed. You can't control that boss or N mother, you can control you, your thoughts and responses. What becomes habit eventually becomes a pleasure. It's mindfully FAKING new healthy habits that's the really hard part, IMO. If we can keep it up, it eventually gets easier then becomes a part of who we are, and that's the goal, IMO. Fill your life with new things and people that build you up. Gain confidence and find pleasure through new things you were afraid to try before. That's a job for you to focus on now. You can find healthy people in your life. You can replace the bad with good. We all need empathy. You never received that. Many of us haven't. You can find those things for yourself and it's your job to do so. It doesn't have to be a T or someone in real life, yet. It can be this board and you can get the validation you need to grow stronger. Saying NO to unhealthy people in our lives leaves room for healthy people. Very important to stop letting toxic people IN. Being alone can provide the space to really grow and learn through the sad and lonely times we encounter in that dark scary place. It helps to make it through when we know it will be over soon and we will emerge stronger and more capable than before. This is a truth. Eventually, we realize how strong we are and we get better at recovering and adding coping mechanisms. The ball begins to roll and we try to keep it on track. Sometimes we go a bit off track but we forgive ourselves then get back to doing what we know works. Forgive yourself and be kind. Your worth it, that much I can tell you without any reservation. When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving, then we go.

[Lupita]

In short words:


have to anticipate

Talking, writing thinking about what's bothering us

We have to convince ourselves that we are worthy, capable of protecting ourselves. Then we begin faking it till we get it.

Imaginary helmet

Feeling aloof instead of humilliated and victimized

[Lupita]

internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed.

This is the most important part.


internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed.

[lighter]

internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed.

This is the most important part.


internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed.

Doubting our reality is our problem, isn't it?  Doubting our feelings, or even worse, outright denying our feelings?  Little wonder that our stomachs are flipping and our minds are racing to make sense of something that MAKES NO SENSE! 

Accept that it never will.  This part is very difficult for me.  I'm an optimist at heart. 
I don't want to give up on someone important to me.....
yet, I must or I might not be able to save myself. 
It's MY JOB to save myself. 
Caretake myself. 

TAKING CARE OF MYSELF IS THE MOST LOVING THING I CAN DO FOR MY LOVED ONES.  Very important.     

When we really understand something, we can  respond appropriately to it.  That's why we need to beat that dead horse and understand our problem on a fundamental level.  Then we have no more doubt.  We have no more confusion.  We can trust our feelings and respond appropriately with resolve.  No matter what craziness is thrown in our face, we can't be destabilized bc we're grounded and we understand beyond a shadow of a doubt. 
I love this place, without fear or doubt. 
I know how to get there. 
I'll keep beating those dead horses as long as I have to in order to understand what I need to overcome and trust myself. 

An act of violence against us, physical or emotional, deserves a swift powerful action, right? 
Of course it does. 
But if we're kept confused and unsure of our reality, how in the world can we respond appropriately?
 We can't. 

When our N's are acting like helpless children who need comforting, when they hurt us and tell us they're doing us a favor or delivering advice to be helpful, it's confusing...... in fact we're told we should FEEL grateful?  That is so messed up! 

Unfortunately, we can't have a rational conversation with N's. 
It's wasted and just keeps us mired in the craziness. 
Now I understant the No Contact rule. 
It took me while to get that. 

Write, read and internalize your mantras, Lupita. 
You get stronger with each realization you make. 




You're worth protecting and you have that power, just like everyone else. 
You just have to find it and use it. 
It's there. 
Everyone on this board will point it out to you and give you permission to excercise it. 

When in doubt, fake it. 
You'll get through. 
Act like you want to feel. 
Keep taking care of business and keep doing positive things, even if you don't feel like it. 
One good feeling leads to another. 
You can move through a bad place INTO a good place. 
Know you can and stop dreading the pain. 
The more painful the experience, the bigger the lesson it will teach. 

You're gonna be just fine, ((((Lupitas))))  It just takes a while to get there. 

[lighter]

Lighter,
Your post #15 was brilliant.
Thank you for that incredibly practical distillation of what it takes to heal.
So many great parts, but thanks for this especially:

We have to convince ourselves that we are worthy, capable of protecting ourselves.  Then we begin faking it till we get it.

I really think it's true. It's almost that simple.

Hops



I think it's just that simple too.  I wish we had more practical classes, in high school........ on life skills, ya know? 

[lighter]

I also want to add a couple mantras I've picked up over the years.



1)  We are where we want to be. 
Meaning we have the power to make changes and get ourselves OUT of a place we truly desire to leave. 

2)  When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving, then we go.

3)  If we are uncomfortable, that feeling is telling us we are somewhere we do not belong. 

4)  When we have painful, sad, hurtful negative feelings, they're there to tell us something.  If we can calm down and listen to them, they have a message for us. 

5)  Sinking into painful feelings and just being with them, instead of running around reacting to them, is a good first step to becoming mindful and making better choices.  We can choose to do nothing but listen to our feelings for a while then choose actions from a place of strength. 

6)  Listen to what people DO, not what they say.  I heard it put this way once, "What you are speaks so loudly in my ears, I can't hear a word you're saying."  That makes so much sense when dealing with N's. 

7)  When someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them.  Regardless of what they TELLl you to believe. 

  Life is a journey, not a destination.  Every time you overcome something you realize how much stronger it makes you.  You're here for a purpose and you're on the path that God intended for you.  So is your mother.  Don't waste energy worrying about your mother.  Concentrate on you and believe that God has a plan. 

9)  When you have to suffer, ONLY DO IT ONCE.  Don't keep doubting and inviting that pain back again.  Experience it and move past it. 

10)  It's your job to require better treatment.   
       It's your job to NOT become overwhelmed. 
       Research, grow and learn to trust your feelings and instincts.  It will come.

I remembered a couple more last night.

11)  If someone is being kind to you, but mean to everyone else, they'll eventually be mean to you too. 

12)  Whatever a man's doing when you meet him, is what he'll be doing while he's married to you.  Things usually don't get better, they get worse.

13)  Trust your first instincts.  Don't make excuses for any bad behavior and don't let other's make excuses for it either. 

14)   Don't allow anyone to yell at you, name call or badger you. 
        It's OK to remove yourself from that situation and it's OK to take a break and come back to a conversation if you need to. 
        Just say when you'll be coming back. 
        You don't even need to explain why you're taking a break. 
        I do this with great success. 
        I never have big conversations when I haven't prepared for them by beating that dead horse until I'm comfortable and experience NO confusion about the    situation whatsoever. 

[Lupita]

Totally agree. I have an ilustration to compare. In the airplanes, they say that if there is loss of pressure of Oxigen that Oxigen masks will fall down. But they say that you have to place your mask first before you try to help your baby, or child. Because if you are asfixiating, you will not be able to help anybody. You have to be breathing your self to be able to help others to breath.
Another, lifeguards. If the rescueee, is fighting the rescuer, the rescuer will sink with the rescuee. Sometimes they have to nock the person so they can help him or her. But if you are not healthy capable to swim, you cannot rescue anybody.

Now I understand that you have to take care of your self before you can take care of others.

I am thinking about the imaginary helmeth, and replace the thoughts so I dont feel victimized, but able to deffend my self, understanding that the other person is probably sinking and I wont be able to help. As Lighter says those people feel bad about themselves and they feel better when they hurt somebody.

God and the Universe will help me. I have to think positive to attract positives things to my sorroundings.

Well lighter, you have certainlyu been very helpful.

God bless you!!!!!

[Ami]

Lupita-- WHY does it feel so wrong to love and take care of ourselves???               Love    Ami

[Lupita]

Ami, dear Ami, it is because wwe have been programed to satisfy other people's needs. We feel guilty if we take care of our selves. I even feel guilty when I have a good time. I have been alone for 15 years already, but when I used to be married I felt guilty when I had sex with my ex husband. I feel guilty when I enjoy anything. We have been programed to feel guilty.

We have to erase our hard drive and re program. We can do it!!!!!!!!!!

We Can!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are worthy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lupita]

This is the reason for which I choose to keep my mother in my life, because I feel sorry for her, she is totally living in limbo, no contact with reality, she is a zomby, and she cannot get out of that world at 70 years of age. Not possible. But at least I know the truth and I will not abandone her. I will put my imaginary helmeth and she will not hurt me again. And she will ot come back until next year. And in the e mails I have some control of what I can feel, before I open the e mails I will put my imaginary helmeth. And I know she was very badly abused.

[lighter]

Lupita:

You boiled down my posts beautifully, lol!  I didn't realize all the rambling till I saw your distillation.  Oh well, you did a good job.

So glad you provided that oxygen mask and lifesaver analogy about saving ourselves so we don't sink and can perhaps provide assistance to others. 

It helped me too.

I don't know that you can keep your mother fromhurting you, esp if you feel sorry for her.

I hope you can.

I'm trying to think about having empathy for our N's and understanding that they were vicitimized too.  That makes it harder for me to protect myself.  I don't know that I could keep my N in my life, on any level, and stay safe.  I hope that helmet gets really comfy on your head and you can take it off when you need to.

((Lupita))  You're so smart and interested in educating yourself about YOU.

 Recognizing your problems is half the battle. 

You're working on the solutions, and I believe you'll find them.

I agree about the guilty feelings and not being able to caretake for ourselves bc it feels alien and wrong.  We've been trained to put others first and feel guilty for considering ourselves.  It'll take a while to train ourselves in the other direction, is all.

If we're mindful, we can do it. 

[tayana]

2)  When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving, then we go.

Lighter, this one really struck me.  I think this is where I am now.  I can't stay where I am anymore.  It's just costing me too much in happiness and strength.  And if I'm not happy, I can never expect my son to be happy.

Now, why my mother doesn't want me to be happy I don't know.  That's what she used to tell me, "I just want you to be happy."  Good thing I never believed her.