Need advice

[Stormchild]

Oopsie [head smack] I left out the most important thing, in my previous post, Sheehs1.

I am writing from the perspective that your husband is an addict.

He happens to be addicted to a process, a game, golf, rather than to a chemical. Although actually, a lot of people who are addicted to sports, such as running, are addicted to the chemicals their own nervous system makes when they are playing the sport [endorphins].

As you describe it, he behaves exactly like a stone alcoholic, except that it's golf, not alcohol, and so you don't have to pick him up out of the gutter, and he doesn't throw up on the rug. I hope.

In this context, hopefully what I said before will be more helpful.

You might try an Al-Anon meeting, or there used to be something called Gam-Anon, for family and friends of gambling addicts. Even though it's a different process, you may find that there are many common issues. And this is a good place to go to get your 'head back on straight' so that you can decide if you want to stay, with a realistic picture of what there is for you in the relationship, or go, with a clearer picture of what there is for you if you leave.

[sheehs1]

Dear StormChild,
Yes...that has been my analysis too.  He is an addict.  Golf, gambling..etc.  That time when we were separated?   It was because he came home one night asking me to sign a refinance on his "business office building".  I read the fine print and told him I would not sign...because it made me liable.  He became angry and left.  Now...why was he asking me to sign this document.  Because he told me he had lost over $100,00 in the stock market...buying on margin with borrowed money.  YIKES !  I was murderously furious to say the least.  Here I was struggling to give us a decent life, save a little as I could and he was putting us in financial jeapody.  So...even from the begninning I have always kept my finances separate and have never signed a thing with him.  Only my name is on the title to my house....because I build it and paid for it before we were married.  I have had to keep my finances separate.  Had I not, he would have run thru and used everthing. 
So...in my opinion....yes he has an addictvie personality that he hides.... behind his professional CPA practice.  He has been known to be depressive and sometimes drinks too much. 
I don't drink....not on a daily or even a weekly basis.  If I drink...it is because I am on vacation ...and I may have a marquarita or two on those nights.  That is it.  Why?  Because my father was a full blown alcoholic.  I have been to Al-anon.  Went with my mother, god bless her soul...for a while. 
So your analysis is correct.  He has to feed himself with those addictions...to feel O.K. about himself. Very astute and insightful of you to pick up on that.  His addictions run to golf, drinking and gambling.  I may have no idea just to what extent.  However, I am protected and will fight anyone who trys to make me responsible for anything I never signed off on.  By the way....I didn't bail him out of stock market debt either.  He is still paying it off. Otherwise, he is leveraged to the hilt. 
I am financially "sound"....but he is not. Another source of his "resentment" towards me.
Sandra

[sheehs1]

Thank you CB,
Yes I have a wonderful lady I had been working with in counseling to help me with my biological family issues.  I always knew once I had healed somehwat from that..to the point of acceptance...meaning it was well in the past and i could move on...I would have to deal with my marriage. 
I haven't seen my counselor for over a year now.  Probably time for a call to her. 

I feel like I have lived three if not more lifetimes in my years.   I have gained knoweldge I never dreamt I would need.  My biolgical family issues were huge.  My mom, whom I adored....died in 2002 and all hell broke loose in the family.  The basic analysis was narcissism with some ASPD....from my father and sister.  Anyone who knows what that means, know the cruelty was beyond belief.  My sister basically psycologically facilitated me out of the family business my mother started over 50 years ago.(I own 20%).  While she had tried for years....it was not until after my mom died that she finally hired not one ..but two "consultants" used in larger companies to get employees to exit instead of being fired.  Yep.  Big business politics in our small family business. 
The night...I connected the dots...and processed that "in order for my sister to be doing this...my father was also behind it"....is a night I will never forget.  I almost lost it.  Called my counselor...and got some medication to sleep.  Hurt beyond belief.  Scared....literally to "death"...of my father and sister. They literally "intended" to break me down.  That was the analsysis of the lawyer/mediator I hired to help me.  For someone on the "outside" to quickly come to that conclusion blew my mind !!!

So...while I know it sounds like I have been thru a lot..and have baggage.......I have also learned a lot and dealt with it the only way I knew how.   In hind site, simply holding my own until I was mentally ready for positive changes. 

Sandra

[sheehs1]

Dear Dandylife,
You are absolutely correct.  My seams are bursting under all the weight of all the responsiblity.  He argues that "he has to take care of his business" and so....."I should take care of everything for with and due to our family and home".  He has gotten some mileage out of that logic.  But...not any more. 
How many other people get to say to their wife...."because I have a business and office and so forth to take care of".....you shoud "take care of our marriage, home, children....etc"...by yourself.....while I was also working professionally....and subsequently embroiled ....with protecting both myself and my assets from my biological family. 

Oh.....and want to know where he was the day my mother died????   In Atlantic City....gambling.   
Makes no sense to me.....
Sandra

[lighter]

I'm voting you file for that divorce and keep making sound decisions for yourself with regard to money and not buying his cry baby apologies designed to change your mind.  Just my honest opinion.  I trust you're smart enough to ignore me if I'm wrong. 

<whispering>  I don't like your husband, not one little bit.  You deserve better and your story made my stomach flip.  Very familiar stuff.

[Hopalong]

Hi Sandra,
What an experience-rich voice you are bringing to the board.
I'm glad you're here too.

This is something I've asked myself, mostly when I was feeling as though I were held hostage to my desire for my mother's house. (I still thought of it as my father's.)

How much could I downsize and downscale? How brave could I be, to go without a comfortable life? How scared would I get?

Turns out, the thread of no health insurance during my desperate job hunts in the last 8 years, was worse than the fear of no shelter. I knew, because I'd come home and built a sense of community for myself in my church, that I'd never sleep under a bridge. But I did not know whether I'd survive financially.

It's still pretty uncertain. I am trying to start a little side business now, in hopes of retirement income. What retirement?

So I think your plans to be certified and create a profession are perfectly sound. And YOU sound perfectly sound.

There may come a point when you feel as though you're only living with an empty golf bag anyway.

Hops