About my day!

[WRITE]

today I took son protesting loudly to summer camp.
Last night I tried to tackle his attitude and ex frankly encouraged him all the more, he was being cocky and obnoxious and ex kept sniggering....

Well I left him at summer camp and was so angry and upset already, but I called ex, told him I wasn't happy with some of the stuff last night, he put the phone down and I was so cross but I went and did my morning job, then this afternoon I got a call that son had been in a fight and was hysterical and could I go get him.

Had to take him out of the summer camp for the rest of the week.

He told me dad told him to hit the other kid!

So I called ex and asked him to come home and I told both of them I am tired of being mocked and ignored and sent son for a shower whilst I told ex that if he can't do better parenting with me then he can choose to take it all on and I'll leave it to him or son can come live with me, and that I favour the latter because frankly he isn't doign a good job right now.

I was so calm and assertive, and I wasn't afraid once.

Ex was shocked because of son being removed from the camp and I think he is starting to see the effect of his negative influence and worry about it.

I said are we going to wait until he's too big to manage/ taking drugs/ running around out of control.

And I told ex that whilst I've done all the things I said I would to manage my life he is doing nothing of the sort, and more negative than ever.

Then I went to get a hair cut which I had dry to save money so it was only $21 with the tip, but it's lovely; and I put on a colour as I was looking a bit grey and faded. Then I have walked the dog under the brewing storm clouds and crescent moon.

It's been a really tough day and I have stuck to my diet, exercised, dealt with son ( and ex ) and feel fine.

I really can do this no matter what ex does. I want my son to see me being positive and taking charge when it's necessary.

Also told ex I was considering doing a degree next year- maybe one of the courses Hops recommended- and that he should consider funding it since we paid for his and I never completed mine.

I'm like a different person these days, life is so much better than it was.

Oh and I also apparently have a new love interest too, a guy I have known for a while who came and kissed me on the cheek last night and wrote to me several times today!

 

[Hopalong]

Write, where did you get this

WISE WARRIOR WOMAN?

(I know, she's been here all along.)

SO happy and proud for you...

love
Hops

[pompom]

Write
I am new to this whole business of N.  But I loved your post - GO GIRL!! especially the "and feel fine" bit.

I too am thinking of going back to college in September, I know it will be a battle trying to get H to agree to mind kids without moaning about it, but it's for me.

You sound like you are in control and especially of your emotions which is the route I need to take. 

Well done you.
Pompom

[axa]

WRite,

I think this is what it is about, taking control of our own lives and not allowing them to sabotage you.  So glad you were able to pick yourself up and stick to your guns..... it does feel so good when you do act assertively and carry onwith YOUr LIFE

AXA

[tayana]

Write,

It's so wonderful to hear this, that you were able to do this and feel fine and in control.

Way to go, Girl.

[lighter]

You're post gave me chills and shivers, Write! 

It feels so good to be centered and appropriate and doing what needs to be done. 

So glad for both you and your son.

That love interest is a lucky man too; ) 

[WRITE]

Thanks lighter/Tayana/CB/Axa/Pompom/Hops

Gosh it is hard though to cope with the stress.

Yesterday I found myself in tears several times, finally I went for a swim and it seemed to dissipate, but I am exhausted with my son as well as ex.

What a weapon they have with my health. Oh, I said they then, I am starting to see son's nehaviour as an extension of his dad....

Onward and upward I guess, just keep going. I know I am doign the right things.

Pity my therapist is away this week, though she said i can call her; she seemed to sense things would be hard this week and I would need support.

***

On that note- I do have support, I have some lovely friends.
But things have gone awry with my best friend somehow. He stopped calling me and yesterday I responded to one of his group emails and went out to a bar where there was belly dancing. Actually the dancing was nice, but it was quite a pick up scene and not my thing really at all. I spoke to one of the dancers who appreciated beign seen as an artist not the sex object others were clearly cheering on!
A guy was friendly to me and his girlfriend came over and was hostile! I could feel tears prickign the back of my eyes, he was only being nice and I was old enough to be his mother almost!

One of my aquaintences looked at me and said 'how's things' and I had to leave, I would have sat down and wept amid all the noise.

My friend told me he just doesn't have time for me at the moment, it's nothing personal.

Surely feels personal....

***

Then the guy at church came and foud me at my music group, I haven't seen him for a few days.
He told me quite directly he isn't interested in dating unless it's going somewhere and he is ready to settle down and have a marriage!
What's that saying, be careful what you wish for....
He was basically saying a lot of stuff I have been voicing here and elsewhere over the past weeks and months and reminded me how difficult it is to live up to another person's hopes and expectations!

Anyway I responded by saying I want those things too but only after the process of getting to know someone and dating for a while.

I want the balance between my needs/desires/dreams and the other persons this time.

I am drained today, just done a great group with High School kids, but son just called me a rude name because I sent him for a shower, and I just want to put my aching head down and cry now.

Hope everyone else is doing okay, will read more later

~W

[lighter]

I think you'll feel better if you can put your head down and cry when you feel like it. 

Sorry you're health and son and N are all hitting at once.

As far as the guy who's pushing you for the whole commitment marriage thing. 

You shouldn't have to ask that you be allowed to get to know him and see if things COULD work out.  That should be understood.

I'd cut him looose if he's trying to turn your NO into a YES.

It's perfectly acceptable for him to be honest about HIS feelings but, he shouldn't be forcing you feel a certain way or demanding your feelings fit into his time frame. 

That's just crazy talk and unrealistic.  Controlling. 

If that's what he's about, I think you know what to do with it. 

if it's just a misunderstanding and he's not pressuring you, then you should figure that out too. 

((Write))  Your son needs you to stay steady and consistent.  Even though he fights and hurts you, he NEEDS you to be the parent.  You're doing great.

[Ami]

Dear WRITE,
    I think that you have 'too many" things going on and that is why you are exhausted. I stayed with my H partly b/c i could foresee that every little thing in the children's life would be the type of "hell" that you are describing. The littlest thing,like summer camp, would become a huge  monster. I am not at all saying that I was right. I probably was wrong.However, that is another story.                                                        It appears that your N is going to be a royal pain in the A##. It seems like  he will be something that you have to constantly "deal with" .
  It may help to not expect anything from him,but trouble.
   You handled everything really well,but I could see that it took quite a toll on you.. I am the same way with "sickness'. If I get upset,it goes in to my body. I really hate this and have to change it.  WRITE, anyone would be exhausted in your situation.
   Everything is new. You are starting a 'new" life.
     I think that you have grace, and dignity . Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Write, hon...
Dittos to what Ami said:

WRITE, anyone would be exhausted in your situation.
   Everything is new. You are starting a 'new" life.
     I think that you have grace, and dignity .

Do you maybe expect more of yourself because of your illness than what most folks would? That ain't fair.

I'd be bawling in my cornflakes too and these tears wouldn't be "crazy tears" hon. It's just SAD sometimes, when you're pushed and barked at by your bratty son and sniggered at by his father.

They're both being jerks right now and deserve a little comeuppance.

love to you, dear...be extra kind and caring to yourself.

When was the last time you got out of town for a little retreat?

love
Hops

[CB123]

Write,

Another thing:  it isnt okay to cry just to manipulate someone, but I think it is okay to cry when you are sad--and if it makes the other person "get it', that's not a bad thing.  Your son needs to know that its not okay to hurt someone by using words against them.  I would be sad, too, in your place. 

Write, I so admire the work that you have done to take care of yourself.  I don't know if I can express what a role model you are to me.  Rest.  You have worked so hard.

I hope that sometime you can give some of your pointers on how you give your emotional health priority. I think it would help me and my family to see what the nitty-gritty of that looks like.  You seem so calm and whole--and I know you have worked very hard through some hard circumstances to get there.

Much love to you, Write,
CB

[WRITE]

Thanks CB, Hops, Ami, Lighter.

I did cry this afternoon when ex shouted at me; he looked at me in disgust and said 'what are you crying for'.
But I needed him to show me some stuff with the taxes so I said 'I'm just crying' and carried on with what we were doing.

I don't think I'll ever make him 'get it' CB, though he did later give me a hug, no words though. He never in all the years of knowing me has ever known what to say or how to put things right...

Son I had a big talk to about the fine line men have to walk in this world between being 'a man' and being abusive. He listened and seemed to understand.

The church guy is going to take him with me to get school supplies for band next week; I want him to see other men doing positive stuff.

I was goign to ask my best friend to spend some time with him, that's probably why i was upset last night when my friend wasn't receptive to me at all. He was affectionate as ever but seems to think nothing of it that he hasn't contacted me for weeks or to be interested in my life at all right now.
Oh well, guess it's not personal.

pointers on how you give your emotional health priority

it's a problem managing bipolar CB, the emotional intensity can be quite fierce, and there's a window before mania takes over; but it seems to be expandign the better I take care of myself too. The things I used to do like drinking narrowed it down and increased the likelihood of an episode.

I have made a care plan which is now quite large and eventually will become a book I think.
I'll send you a copy when that happens!

Do you maybe expect more of yourself because of your illness than what most folks would? That ain't fair.

well life ain't fair I guess! Yes, I have to set very high standards, it's like an iron will and even then sometimes things run away from me.

The biggest thing is keep the healthy lifestyle and self-care regime going whatever happens.
I can't afford to sink into the sofa and daytime tv with a bottle of wine and potato chips....it'll just trigger illness.

And sleep- I have to medicate that if necessary. Got to have regular sleep no matter how anxious I am.

When was the last time you got out of town for a little retreat?

SF ;last autumn ( brilliant! )

I am away weekend after this with my writing group for the weekend; looking forward to that.

you have 'too many" things going on and that is why you are exhausted

I'm also working very hard. My business is really taking off, two new jobs today. You know I haven't even advertised yet!

Started doing my records assiduously realising it's best not to get too far behind....I am a bit behind with the expenses.

I'm really pleased to get so much business though, I was worried about money a few weeks ago. Yet here it is.

if it's just a misunderstanding and he's not pressuring you, then you should figure that out too. 

I think it's all part of this back-and-forth negotiating which has been going on for the months we have known each other since that day we met and there were stars in our eyes like on the cartoons!

What struck me most was how I very often demand from others, if not actually in reality inside my head...and how difficult that is to receive for me!

I need to calm down, it will all be fine.

Ex did get some come-uppance you'll be pleased to know, I had him read some of the Louise Hay mantras and told him sneering is very unattractive.

He was surprised and pleased ( I think ) how well my business is doing. He helped me set up my documents for the next tax year, this is the first year I file for myself.

There's so much admin around a divorce, that's another thing to figure and of course it means a trek to the tax office, too simple to have a telephone conversation!

Gradually I am setting things straight; ina  few weeks son will be back in school routine and all the paperwork will be done.

And I'll be remarried  Just joking!!!!

Goodnight y'all. Thanks for so much love and support. I really appreciate it.

[teartracks]

WRITE,

You inspire me.  Have missed you on the board.  I'm doing some reading and not much posting.  It's that you make a plan and work the plan that inspires me so much.  When I catch my breath, I'm going to make a plan, all because of you!

tt

[Hopalong]

I believe you, (((((TT)))))!

Write inspires me too.

Hops

[Ami]

Dear WRITE,
      You ate trying to find the strong,peaceful "you" inside .---------- I am "rooting for you.
                                                                                                          Love   Ami