Author Topic: Today  (Read 1880 times)

sfalken

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Today
« on: June 19, 2007, 03:00:05 PM »
--Modified; Personal Reasons--
« Last Edit: June 26, 2007, 09:01:39 AM by sfalken »

lighter

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Re: Today
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2007, 03:20:23 PM »
Rant away. 

The way your parents treat you won't ever make sense, so you're going to have to revisit the unfairness, the pain and the dissapointment until you reach acceptance and don't expect anything better from them. 

The only thing you can change is your expectations.  You'll never change your parents.

They can't do any better, by the way.  If they could, they would.  They can't.

You deserved better and I'm pleased to congratulate you on the new baby..... I believe you'll be able to provide the love and sanity that your parents never could give you.

Ami

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Re: Today
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2007, 03:33:37 PM »
I am with you about wishing for normal parents. It is such a heart cry. When good or bad things happen,you want to share them with"loved ones".We have the"wire monkeys".
 In an Abnormal Psych course, there was a study done with monkeys and maternal nurture One group of monkeys had a wire  "monkey"  . They got food ,but no love, warmth or nurture. They all had emotional problems.I had a panic attack in the college class on the day that they were teaching about the wire monkeys.
  It is so horrible to have parents like this. I am facing it,now.                  Love     Ami
   
                       
   
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

tayana

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Re: Today
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2007, 03:51:25 PM »
Go ahead and rant.

I always wanted normal parents too, especially when I got older and I started realizing how abnormal my family really was.  I've finally had to accept that the only way things will change is if I change them for myself, because my parents aren't going to change.  So, I have to take care of me.

I'm so sorry that your parents treat you this way. 

Congratulations on the new baby.
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You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
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JanetLG

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Re: Today
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2007, 10:03:07 PM »
That's great news about the new baby.

As for your parents...they don't deserve to be included in your excitement. The 'tooth' excuse sounds like getting her own back, to me. Let your wife's parents show you both the *proper* response to your news, and try to accustom yourself to the idea that your own parents aren't capable of anything more than they are doing. I now that's hard, and really depressing, but they're not going to change, and you have your family to think of. Sounds llike your own children will get much better parenting :)

Janet

Hopalong

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Re: Today
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2007, 10:30:16 PM »
Sfalken,
You are going to fall so head over heels in love with this new life that your parents will be a painful wince now and then but mostly you'll be too busy crawling on the rug grinning to remember...

JOY to you both.

Hopalong
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axa

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Re: Today
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2007, 07:26:16 AM »
Wonderful news about your new baby, wishing you all great joy.

A friend once said to me "Everytime you pick up the phone to call your Mom you know what her attitude is going to be?  WHy do you put yourself through this?

Those words stayed with me and helped me knowing that any contact I would have would never be about me, always about her and would never be of any benefit to me..........  It helped me see the truth and detach.

axa

Ami

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Re: Today
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2007, 04:28:53 PM »
Dear sfalken,
     I am so happy about your new baby..What hit me about your posts were the "best laid plans are stomped on by N's." There seems to be something in the N mother that if you set a boundary( any ), they see it as a red flag in front of a bull.
   They seem to hate that you could value yourself and have the "nerve" to set boundaries.
   It is like an assault on them ,personally.
   This is how I see the situation. If you have this fact, it might help you plan and also not to have expectations.                 Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Stormchild

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Re: Today
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2007, 09:17:39 PM »
My mother also told my wife in that message that she "loved" her and the "new baby" - but left me out. I tried to tell my wife that what was not written was significant - I have had a life of having to "read into" everything my mother says and there is rarely something that passes her lips or keyboard that doesn't have a double meaning.

Picking up on this, sfalken, because it's so important. This is classic N shaming. It's a form of shunning, a type of exclusion, a kind of stealth scapegoating. And there's gaslighting in it, too, because unless you are hanging in with some amazingly perceptive and empathetic people, most people will simply never pick up on the fact that ... somehow, everyone's progress is celebrated... except for yours; ... everyone's health problems are rallied to and advised on... except for yours; ... everyone's accomplishments are praised to the skies... except for yours...

It's a very insidious and toxic pattern, but very real. And usually seems to be the tactic of female bullies in the family and friendship arena, but men are very good at doing this kind of thing at work.

Off thread a little, but I wanted to validate this, because it's a damn lonely and crazymaking place to be. Until you understand what it means; then you can react constructively to it.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2007, 09:19:25 PM by Stormchild »
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Hopalong

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Re: Today
« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2007, 12:46:33 AM »
Hi Sfalken,

In a way it occurs to me you might be using the baby a bit like the way some divorced people use their children.

Like banging your parents over the head with the baby. You can't force them to "work things out" with you.

I am thinking that if they are toxic Ns they shouldn't be around your family.

But if they are manageable and you sense they really want to love your child, not just control you and your family...then I think their greeting or loving your baby should be separated from your frustration with them about the way they relate to you.

(I am very prepared to be wrong about this though! These thoughts surprised me.)

Still got your back,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."