Listening with empathy. Do we do it?

[Lupita]

Please, friends, hope you check this site.
I am going to try to be better. Promise.

http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/empathic_listening/

[Hopalong]

great site, Lup.
Thank you.

Hops

[Overcomer as guest]

Lup:  What I see after reading that article is that my mom practices empathetic listening with others....in other words, she doesn't mean it, she's faking it.  She is such a phoney baloney.  To watch her go through the motions over and over and over again for my whole life.....I seriously could sit behind her and mouth what she is saying - it is soooo predictable!

[Lupita]

I struggle all the time focusing my attention when the person is talking about something that is indifferent to me. I am trying though.

It happens here. Our posts are not of interests to everybody.

if we were talking in person we do not know if we would listen.

What do you think of your self?

[reallyME]

Lupita: Our posts are not of interests to everybody.

if we were talking in person we do not know if we would listen.

What do you think of your

self?

>>>>>>>>The hardest thing I think, for someone who was raised dysfunctionally, is to realize that everyone is NOT THEM nor a PART OF THEM.  To me, I understand that everyone is not going to want to read my posts nor hear my voice.  That is because, I realize that others are INDIVIDUALS.  Not everyone can grasp this, when they were brought up by a mother or father that saw them as "extensions" of themselves...usually saying CRAP like "now now, you don't want to make mommy look bad, do you?"

Now, what do I think of myself?  I think my self needs IMPROVEMENT in listening to others who are talking about something that I don't find interesting.  I tend to have a problem with the following things about other people:

misspelled words

child-like grammar

child-like behavior in adults

talking about sports or politics

talking too much, non-stop

any so-called parent who is being cruel to their child verbally or physically

anything that I perceive as misleading or unjust

people in perpetual denial about past or present behaviors

constant comments about what I'm doing while I'm doing it (ex: "ohhh, you're making a sandwich.  you're going into the living room.  you're rubbing your nose...do you have a cold?"

people who try to mother me (unless it's something I choose to submit myself to)

anything or anyone that is REPETITIVE...can't stand any sound, song, words that repeat...makes me want to crawl OUT OF MY SKIN!

When ANY of the above things is going on, I start to feel anger rise up in me.  It's something I've had to work on all my life and am still working on it!

[Lupita]

Most of those bother me too. But when I get triggered I paralize. After the paralizis is gone they I run away. After that I hold grodges for the offender and ofr my self for not satying and stand up for my self. Working on that.
Setp by step.
First I think that positive thinking is helping me. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Then feeling better will be a better listner. I hope.
 

[Confounded]

Lup:  What I see after reading that article is that my mom practices empathetic listening with others....in other words, she doesn't mean it, she's faking it.  She is such a phoney baloney.  To watch her go through the motions over and over and over again for my whole life.....I seriously could sit behind her and mouth what she is saying - it is soooo predictable!

Yes, this is one of the things I noted about H, way back when, long before the T filled me in on the N tendencies diagnosis.  H listens to his kids just enough to feign support.  He answers with something like, "That sounds really difficult."  He never asks for details, never relates a story of his own from his youth.  Just replies with enough words to appear to "get it."  I took to calling it "weak affirmation."  I could not understand why he didn't involve himself more in the affairs of his own children.

He has gotten better, I believe in part due to my discussion of this behavior.  According to his late wife's sister, the fact that H did not involve himself in the parenting of their children was a real issue for her.  It's somewhat amusing.  H originally used his LW to hurt me, comparing the two of us, insisting that I remake myself in her passive (sometimes passive-aggressive) image.  I didn't do that.  In fact, I investigated how things were around here (he told me to ask anybody, their marriage was "perfect" - not). 

Now I use what I learned from those that I checked with to reinforce my own position.  If two totally different women are bothered by the same things, we can't both be wrong.  I rest my case.  Wish I could get a judge or jury in here at times.  Tired of arguing with someone who sometimes cannot admit to even the slightest failing.  So time consuming, and for naught.

[dandylife]

Lupita,
Thanks for posting this. I copied the information there to save to my computer - I think it's so important.

Dandylife

[Lupita]

Thank you much for the few people interested in this kind of information.
This is so important. This is one of the first flags that you can see in a new perons around your life.
The first thing you do to a new person is what? ------> To talk
If the person does not listen, interrupts you, does not reflect what youa re talking about, changes the subject, constantly,----> that is the first flag-----> Very important.

Also, it is one of the first question many times asked in job interviews as teacher. Do you consider your self a good listener? Then they catch you if by any chance you do one of the no-nos, I would say that I am trying to be a good listener, I am working on it, I know the importance to give total attention to the person that is tlaking to you. Difficult though.

If we become good listeners we can attract better people to our life. If we interrupt and think that our ideas are more important, good people may get away from us.

This is so important. I confess, I am not good, but I am trying, pormise. I will be good some day.

Thank you friends for your support.

My love to you all.

[Hopalong]

Hi CB,

several classes on conflict management and principles of mediation

I know two people who do this professionally, and I think you would be brilliant at it.

Hi Lupita,
I interrupt out of anxiety and some sort of attention whatwasthat? deficit notdiagnosedbutskitterskatter tendencies.

And maybe it's also an Nspot and I don't wanna think so.

Siggh.
 
Hops

[Lupita]

Dear Hops, I am But not too much. I am sure you are a good listener because you always reflect what people say. I always read your posts and learn from them. But anyway we all have N little parts. As long as is not a personality desorder, we are OK and not damaging other people. I am not saying that you have, but we all must have.

Love you.