Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

getting ready to face the lion

(1/3) > >>

P:
Last summer my husband, myself and our two teenagers made our annual trek to vist my n-raging mother.  We survived, but not without a few battle wounds.  Typical (i think) of an n's daughter I teeter on the edge of an abyss whenever I'm around her.  I'm also not yet able to NOT go back to visit her.  Part of the web is that my husband's n-mother lives in the same Province and we (metaphorically) try to kill two birds with one stone - except we're usually the ones who end up "killed".  So now the plane tickets have been purchased and my anxiety level is just starting to surface.  WHAT AM I DOING THIS FOR?  I'm extremely critical of myself right now and feel like this is not a very responsible decision.  Sometimes I think that the only progress I make is in my head!

Anika:
I just posted a link to a great site. It is listed under the Lots of good information here thread.

I never thought I would be able to speak to my mother again but this site and the one I posted have helped me so much!  Just knowing about and understanding her condition have changed my entire outlook on the situation. I know now that she is mentally ill (PERIOD) and that I am not! That fact in and of itself changes EVERYTHING! It changes how I perceive her and how I deal with her.

Go to that site that I posted and read sections on verbal abuse. There are links along the left side of the page to the different informative sections. My favorites were the 20 traits, verbal abuse 1 and 2, and the "what is a narcissist?" sections. The "What is a Narcissist?" section is the actual diagnosis description of NPD from the DSM.

I hope this site helps you as much as it did me.

Neko:
P - as another daughter of a narcissistic mother, I can definitely relate to the feeling of being at the edge of an abyss! Unlike Anika I always knew my mother was mentally ill (diagnoses from several therapists, she never went to one long enough to make any progress though, and usually managed to place much of the blame for the stress she was under on... you guessed it... her kids). It makes very little difference to me now, as an adult, to know that she's mentally ill. I understand her better knowing that she's a narcissist, but deep down, it doesn't change the fact that she never made a true effort to change, and never listened to her children.

Personally, I needed to listen to my gut as an adult and stay away from my parents for a long time. I considered cutting off all contact, but eventually settled on only talking with them when I feel like it. This was difficult, as I felt pretty selfish for doing it, and my n-mom's favorite thing to accuse me of as a child was selfishness. But slowly, it was as if my sorely abused inner child finally started to feel respected, and came out of her shell - she knew I wasn't going to let her be attacked. (That may sound a little weird, but it's the best way I can find to describe it :) ) It all happened at the same time that I started reading up on narcissism on the web and in books - a big thanks to Dr. Grossman for his website, it really struck a chord with me, still does.

Now I manage a phone call with them once a month or so. They try to call twice a week, but I let the answering machine get it. I live far enough away that they can't drop in on me without notice, although a year ago they managed to set up a near-surprise visit, for two weeks, that drove me raving mad. During that visit I set boundaries with them, in front of my husband. They promptly crossed them a month later with one of the most scathing, ruthless character assassinations I've ever experienced, so I restated the boundaries, cut off contact for a while, and ever since they've been manageable. Barely. My mother still launches an attack out of nowhere every once in a while, but by email since she can't get it out of her system on the phone anymore. The nice thing about email is that there's no terrifying face and voice behind the words, y'know? :) That and you can hit "delete"! It's a lot easier to see that the attacks are totally out of touch with reality when you can re-read the words a few times. That helps too, realizing that no, you didn't make up all those outrageous attacks from your childhood (my mother always told me I imagined the worst things about her and was an awful, selfish, lying, ungrateful child for it... :roll: )

Best of luck with your mom :) In short my advice would be to follow your gut feelings, don't betray them!

Anika:

--- Quote from: Neko ---This was difficult, as I felt pretty selfish for doing it, and my n-mom's favorite thing to accuse me of as a child was selfishness.
--- End quote ---


Don't you just love projection??? :x

I don't think my mother knows that she has NPD. She has never been to a psy., and although I am not qualified to diagnose her, after reading the diagnosis criteria, studying the site I posted, and listening to you all, I can honestly say that my mother is TEXTBOOK!!!

For me just knowing that she is sick makes all the difference in the world and it gives me the upper hand since she doesn't know that she is sick and she doesn't know that I know she is sick...does that make since?

Neko, did you look at that site I posted? It may help you to understand too. The verbal abuse and 20 malignant traits are what helped me the most.

I'm very sorry that progress is slow with your mother. With my newfound education on NPD I feel like I have so much control. Now that I know for a fact that I'm not the sick one, I feel stronger than ever! Whenever she starts her crap I am able to deal with her in a positive, productive manner and not feel the least bit guilty about it. In fact, she is the one calling me for attention most of the time. :)

I wish all of you the best with your mothers. Keep your chin up and remember that life is too short to live it being miserable!!

Neko:
Yeah, projection is reeeal fun... not :wink:

My mother was never diagnosed with NPD, just with several of the symptoms, as often happens with narcissists who aren't in treatment for a long time, apparently. This site goes into that quite well: NPD: DSM IV Criteria (discusses more than just the criteria).

I've looked at just about every website there is on Narcissism and how to deal with narcissists, the site you suggest is indeed quite good.

I'm not aiming for progress with my mother, because I know none will ever be made, frankly. I don't want control either - just my own life, with peace and happiness, and as little of my parents' nonsense in it as possible. The best I can do is to keep my mother at bay and lay down boundaries - she'll never change, only get better at what she is: a narcissist. Keeping in touch with her seems to only serve the purpose of her not becoming a complete nutcase! Like your mom, she sure needs that attention!

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page