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getting ready to face the lion

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Anika:
LOL!

The need for applause is never ending with with my mother!

I am not trying to control her. The control that I spoke of is over the situation. I no longer feel like I'm spinning inside of a tornato. My boundries are in place and I know what to do when she crosses one, which she almost always tries to do.  :lol:

My mother will never change either, but I will. I will continue to grow and prosper and live my OWN life the way I see fit. There is nothing she can do about that and that's where my power comes from: the realization that this is MY life and I'm doing just fine!

Tinkergirl:
Hi All,

Brand new to the board, but not to the subject.  I was wondering if any of you had experiences with trying to cut off all contact with your N mothers.  As a daughter of an N mother who continues to only contaminate and aggrivate my life (I have my own daughter now) I feel the only way to stop the insanity is to stop all communication with her.  I've read other posts where you have decided to 'lay down boundaries' but still seem very angry, betrayed, and upset.  I don't want to minimize her craziness, I want it to end.  Since she refuses to acknowledge she has ever treated me poorly or admit she needs help, I feel I have no other choice.  Any thoughts/comments would be appreciated!

Anika:
Sure, it's called disassociating yourself. Remember, YOU have all the power in the situation because you KNOW what is going on with her. She is at a disadvantage because she can only think narrowly and selfishly. To her everything is about her, but you know better. You can think and see things for what they really are. That almost makes her the child and you the adult!

You don't have to deal with her: that's the beauty of it! Take back your life and don't feel guilty about doing it! If you don't want to talk to her, DON'T! If you don't want to see her, DON'T! If she asks why you can give her a brief explanation if you want to, but just know that she won't understand it. Who cares? It's YOUR life!! Get out there and live it!!!

P:
I met a woman last summer who hasn't had any contact with her mother for almost 30 years.  Her mother was a very extreme narcissist (among other things - sadistic somehow) and she chose to walk away and NEVER look back.  Her reason was that she believed her mother would never get better and she didn't want to spend her life being mistreated and undermined.  I envied her the strenght and resolve to do that.  

Whenever I entertain the possibility, I feel quite overwhelmed with guilt and start telling myself things like, "it's really not that bad" and "you only have to see her a couple of weeks out of the year", and "she's old, etc, etc..  About 85% of the time I don't like my mother and the other 15% of the time I feel sorry for her tormented life (or is it just tormenting)?  I do know that when I'm around her I'm always preparing for the 'strike' and it always comes.  I'm 51 years old and I can't believe I'm still struggling with this mess.

Pat

Anika:
P,

I'm 28 years old and I fear that I too shall struggle for the rest of my life. I am right in the middle of a move - I bought my first house and need to be out of my appt by the 31st. I also have to pick up my new refrigerator and get my stuff out of the front two rooms of the new house because the previous owner STILL has to get the carpets cleaned and that is also happening on Thursday- and I am scheduled to sing at a wedding this weekend. I just heard the song for the first time last night. Mom called this morning to tell me that she wants me to make time to come over to her house and sing the song for her BEFORE the wedding! :roll: Yeah right, like I have time for that!!

I told her that I don't know the song well enough yet and I don't have time for a visit right now. She insisted. Can you believe that? I have so much to do right now and not enough time to do any of it yet she still expects me to come over to her house and entertain her????? :x

Needless to say, I stuck to my guns and ended the conversation with her but not before she had a chance to pout a bit. She'll call me several more times to try and wear me down but it won't work. Then I'll have to hear about the incident for the next 5 years or so or until she gets tired of trying to berate me with it.

Oh well, it's her problem, not mine. She can hear the song at the wedding just like everyone else. I simply don't have time to play games with her!

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