Just wanted to pop in real quick and say thanks for the hello (portia) and a hello to everyone else....
*****
I realize after reading some other posts here this morning that I may have made some people feel bad with my definition. I just want to say: Please know that this was one of my first topics that I read in here when I posted. By no means did anyone’s prior posts influence me to think that. *****
Anyway, a little about my situation and me. No formal therapy, just found out about the definition and the NPD in my life. I know I am married to an N (Nine years) It was a Big (and heartbreaking) Relief knowing that I am not totally insane and that I have been frustrated for a reason. but I am still having trouble comprehending, and not wanting to believe, all the dynamics of NPD. I have three young children w/him. After some events that occured when I came out of the hospital with the baby, I absolutely knew something "else" was seriously wrong here. None of the traditional excuses could hold water. Then a long time friend and coworker (thank you thank you thank you) who works with my husband and I (we are self employed) slipped me some info on Narcissism about a month ago.
Currently, I am seeing a NPD victim counselor. I also suspect that my mother is an N as well, maybe not. I might just be seeing NPD “everywhere” right now. She does have some strong traits but He is definitely NPD. I don’t have too much trouble talking about my situations but I lack the time to get regularly involved in a forum. We have a 9 week old who was/is a premmie. 6 year old and 4 year old, and the business. (Currently it is a hectic, mind bending, bizarre, frustrating, tragic, lonely, unfulfilling situation for me.)
I don’t really know what I am looking for other than ways to cope, some answers/shared experiences?, until I am financially (<-the key) and emotionally (<-not so hard after all that’s been done to my emotions) ready to leave him. I also find myself trying to be "parent of the year" now that I see what’s going on. I guess I am trying to counter the effects of him - so to speak. I wonder how that can be possible, and I think sometimes I am just confusing the kids with the change in family dynamics. But they have started to open up more to me and said things that I had no clue they were thinking/feeling. This is good and I try so hard to stay strong and connected with them.
I'd really love to convince him to go into therapy, as his life has always been this way with relationships. Must be very painful for him. (?) But I dont think I can sacrifice many more YEARS of my Life, or subject my kids, to an N. I'll admit though, I often fall back in somewhat of a denial, it comforts me like an old well fit glove, when my head cant seem to grasp the "reality" of this bizarre life.
I am on an emotional roller coaster right now. This is still so fresh. (I go from feeling like "okay I can deal with this, make plans-I’m tuff, then wanting to kick my own @ss for not seeing it, or letting someone else control my life for so long, tolerating all those awful things, and mostly… involving children. Then I feel like just wanting to strangle him then to feeling bad for him. I also feel bad for myself, and the kids. (“ah my poor babies” I think to myself, “I never wanted this pain for you,” or the future pain which will surely come with knowing their father<- This really rips my heart out. I feel helpless here. I don’t know how or if I can protect them) Then I have outright feelings of loss/grief of my perceived life and false future…. Up, down, upside-down, around….ect ect ect.. Is this normal when you first find out about this?
I will be back in from time to time to try post and respond. Hopefully learn a thing or two about myself and this disorder. Please excuse me if I cant respond back to anyone right away, Its Easter weekend and My four, nope Five year olds b-day. Also picking up little sis from college.... Lots to do,… busy me. Also I feel that I cant post / read freely when he is around - he will get all pouty and put off ect... - I’m sure some of you know what I mean. I’d like to avoid triggering outbursts esp when the kids are near. I tend not to argue and let a lot more slide than I used to. (We used to have some hellish verbal battles, unitl I was a complete wreck and then he’d POOF disappear.) I used to panic/cry/ try to understand when he left, now at those times I simply relish the peace – its so much easier on me and the kids.
I am not so sure what value I can bring to others here in my current state, but hey who knows?
Bye for now,
Futurehope
PS I took that neato little test on the other post. (thanks write!!) I am an INFJ, for a while I thought maybe I was an N as well. but I think truly that maybe I just picked up some of his bad habits along the way.
