Adventures With Mom

[NewMe]

Dear Storm and friends,

It is amazing to me that every time I need to feel understood, or that I begin to doubt my own perceptions and feelings, I can come on this board and everything feels clear and stable again. It's incredible, how identical our experiences have been.

Yesterday I was really grieving the loss of my enabler father, because he was the only gentle presence in my life, and yet he let my crazy N mother terrorize me and my brother . . . and he was ALWAYS offering sops. And now he's angry with me for not wanting to stay in the "cage" with him.

He tried at first to be a fence-sitter, when I first stood up to Mom last January . . . but she is making everyone pick sides, and her side appears a lot stronger and more convincing than mine, because of all her lies and grandiosity.

So I'm basically left with my husband, my two precious children, and myself . . . and that is wonderful.

I'm going to keep going through this process of letting go . . . although I don't think I can ever get my father completely out of my heart.  I believe he loves me in some limited fashion. It's very hard, though, to accept that someone can love you and yet be so weak that he is willing to betray and hurt you, for the sake of maintaining his own relationship with an N.

Hugs to you all!






<<Anyone who picks an N as a partner and stays with them will find that - they're expected to assist the N in abusing anyone else that they might otherwise care about. Because Ns cannot share, and they demand absolute devotion. Caring about anyone else, even one's own child, even if that child was conceived with the N, is intolerable disloyalty, where the N is concerned.

So the Ns enlisted our fathers to betray us. And our fathers went along with it, because they were forced to choose, and they picked the abuser. [This is not limited to fathers, of course. Enabler mothers favor their N husbands over their own children just as often with equally disastrous results, often alienating one or more of the kids for life.]

Of course, Ns being Ns and enablers being enablers, when you see this, and point it out, it is YOU who will be accused of polarizing things and trying to make people take sides.>>

[NewMe]

Dear Ami,

My father is the only one living with NMom, although my brother still works for them . . . I think Dad is being terribly abused by her, but he's gotten so used to it, he doesn't even realize it's abuse! Her constantly shifting reality, and all her moods and tempers, has made him so confused for so long, I could swear it's caused brain damage or rewired his thought process or something.

Our parents sound so similar . . . I am so glad you're working your way out of this, and I find such comfort in reading your posts, because I know I'm not the only one facing these EXACT issues.

HUGS

[tayana]

Hops, my assertive communication class is in September.  Not soon enough, really.  I told her last night that I'm not sure one of the pieces of furniture would fit in M's new room, especially the way he wants it arranged, and that I'd like to just take the basic things, and then if there's room, we can take some other stuff.  She wasn't happy, again telling me that M needed a place to sit things.  The child doesn't need a shelf full of stuff.  He just wants a place to play.

This morning she tells me everyone is dreading moving.  I have not heard a single negative word from anyone, but her.  I don't believe her.  I don't like moving either, but I'm not dreading it.

Stormy, I used to get so mad over the "Grain of salt" thing.  Now, I just don't say anything.  There's not point.  I have heard so many of these "sops."  She doesn't mean it.  She's just mad.  She's stressed.  Just ignore it.  My favorite was when I was about 13 and my mother slapped me and screamed at me over something stupid, and my father said, "She's going through a rough time right now."  He didn't say anything to her.

Now, my mom and I are having a discussion over lamps.  No, Mom, I don't want that ugly lamp.  Well, M needs some light.  I'll buy him a new lamp.  These new lamps don't have enough light.  Arrgh! 

Now, she's decided that she wants to come down and help me sort books.  I'm thinking No, I can do that on my own.  I'll be sure the books are the first thing we unpack.  M's upset because he doesn't have anything to read.  Then she has no reason to come down and sort anything.  I don't want her there.  It's MY PLACE, not hers.  And as soon as I find some lamps and tables I like, I'm taking her ugly lamp tables back too.

[Ami]

Dear New Me,
   Thank you. One of the few good things that come about as a result of being abused is that you can help others who have been there. I appreciate so much your kind words.                Love  Ami

[tayana]

One of the few good things that come about as a result of being abused is that you can help others who have been there. I appreciate so much your kind words.   

Ami, this really stuck with me.  From the time I was a teenager, I wanted to do two things.  I wanted to be a writer and I wanted to help other people.  I've succeeded with the first, and I think I'm going to work on the second.  Somehow that second one got crushed.  I think your comment is so true.  I think people like us have so much more capacity to care than others.