A Strange Phenomenon - Anyone Else Experienced This Trait?

[Ishana]

Hi everyone!

I just found this site and am so happy to have found a community of people who really, finally understand what I've been going through all of these years.  The basics:  my biological mother died when I was 6 years old.  My father almost immediately married a woman who is narcissitic, sociopathic and multiple personality disordered.  She, and my father, proceeded to severely abuse my self and my two younger siblings until we finally left home.  My step-mother was a very important personality in our community due to her position at the college...both of them were "pillars" of religious and civic institutions of our small town.  

I wasn't able to leave until I was age 18.  While we all suffered greatly at the hands of this evil person and my father (he has told me secretly that he abused us because the beatings would be less severe) but to show you how bad it was my sister is permanently brain damaged from the physical abuse...and, I know you all will understand this...the physical abuse was NOTHING compared to the emotional abuse and control that dominated our lives.

Overall I haven't been able to tolerate much proximity to my "parents" in my adult life.  But the times I have been involved with them I have noticed a strange thing and am wondering if anyone else can identify with this?  My stepmother is obsessed with anything related to illness, injury, death and dying.  This translates in her participation in any activity in which she can be close to a disaster, violence, or death.  She drags my father to every funeral in town, visits anyone she has ever met, heard about or read about who is sick, injured or in the hospital, goes to every accident and constantly discusses any thing related her obsession with the dark side of life.  The worse the event or illness or injury the better.  She relishes the details, the gorier the better.  She loves going to wakes or Native American funeral ceremonies (they live near a Reservation)  even of people she has never met.  The best ones are where people died horribly.  Of course, everything somehow relates to her; she finds a way to become central in the conversation even if you are the person sick or hurt.  She dramatizes everything she discusses, but these topics are her favorite.  Has anyone else seen this type of obsession?

Take care,

Ishana

[write]

I am sorry you had such an abusive early life.

Your stepmother sounds like a psycopath.

Do you still see her?

[tokyojim2001]

This may be a bit off the topic, but I am wondering if you have some hope of seeing her (deserved) suffering from this obsession.  That is, do you secretely hope and want to see her suffer from this fear or obsession with death?

[RedRose]

Hello, Ishana.

I have not seen that with my N person.  What I see is a person who doesn't always seem to know how to be empathetic about the situations of others, although she is capable of kindness.  And this is what makes dealing with her so damned confusing and difficult.

What I have experienced is that I see my N person thriving in chaos.  It seems she is uncomfortable with peace, as she didn't have a peaceful upbringing.  The best way I see it, is that she doesn't trust quiet.  It must not be good if there is peace for too long.  

Your stepmother probably has several mental issues, as do many people.

[rosencrantz]

You wanted to know if anyone else has seen this type of obsession.  It's not something I've come across but it makes me wonder what trauma in her own childhood led to it.  If she is of some standing in the local community, I'm wondering if the obsession is becoming obvious to other people??

If she always relates everything to herself, that's a very 'N' characteristic.

RedRose - my mother thrives on chaos, too.  I've come to the conclusion that creating chaos and confusion is her way of exerting control. No one can 'get to her' if they are in a state of confusion and busy sorting out the chaos.  I see that there is a certain logic to it but it  wouldn't be my own personal choice!!

People who write 'off topic' are dealing with their own issues and that can cause confusion, too.  

R

[Portia]

This might be a hurtful idea, but do you think your step-mother met your father through her obsession? Sorry, but the thought occurred and it won’t go back. I just see her preying on your father when he was weak and hurt himself. How awful.

Also in a very opinionated and totally unsubstantiated way, I’d say that folks who are obsessed with disaster, violence, illness, injury, death and dying  (what a list!) are amongst the most damaged. It’s just a gut feeling. Like small kids who torture animals (and each other)…the damage comes out very directly.

I hope you see as little of your ‘parents’ as possible, if at all. Your description makes them sound very, very dangerous.

Best to you Ishana…. Do you want/need to talk some more? P

[write]

Off the top of my head I think it’s a substitute for real emotion.

If it were an obsession without acting out I'd say yes, but in a person who has beaten someone repetetively & so severely as to brain-injure them I'd say it is a sign of a dangerous sadistic person, maybe a psycopath.

Has she had financial or been in other troubles too Ishana?
What was she like during adolescence, do you know?
Was she ever prosecuted for her child abusing?

You are right to keep away from her, she sounds extremely disturbed.

[Anonymous]

Hi Ishana,

I just found this place myself. This is my first post, so please bear with me if it shows up in the wrong place.

I find your post to be very interesting because my mother, the N parent in my life, has a similar obsession. Her abuse towards me was always emotional, never physical, but she does enjoy witnessing violence. She spends the better part of the day watching Court TV and is fascinated with shows related to crime, particularly homicide, the more gruesome the better. She volunteers at the local police station and spent two years pushing her way into the homicide division (at least that's what she claims . . . most of what comes out of her mouth is grossly over exaggerated). She now considers herself "special" to have access to autopsy reports, crime scene photos and such.

Having said that, my mother also has similar personality traits as the person described by RedRose. When a death occurs in her own family, she generally shows little emotion or compassion. In fact, she is often pleased to be rid of the individual, which I suppose stands to reason as she has always considered herself to be superior to most members of her family. She can appear kind to those directly involved, while at the same time being quite callous when discussing it with others. When an uncle of mine recently passed away, she sent a sympathy card and flowers to my aunt, but her comment to me was "Oh well, he got what he deserved for drinking too much."

[JustKathy]

Sorry, the above post is mine. I should have registered first. Didn't mean to be so anonymous. Like I said, first time posting. I've got it figured out now.

[Ishana]

I am so happy to have so many people post a reply to my e-mail.    Thank you each very much.  I will try to respond to the questions when I get a bit of time.  What a wonderful place for people like me who aren't used to having their "voice" heard!  Thanks for listening...it feels GREAT!  

Ishana

[Portia]

Hi Rob,   I brightened with recognition when I saw your name today because I wondered if you were still looking in. Hope you're as ok as you can be! - considering and all. Glad you posted above, it goes part way to explaining your situation last time you spoke. Good to see you, best, P

[Ishana]

Rob,

Thank you for your reply.  That is exactly how I would describe it...she "glories" in the illness and injuries of others and herself.  Every minute detail.  How do you stand it?

I will try to read more of your posts in the past.

Thanks again for your message.  I really appreciate it!

Ishana

[JustKathy]

Like Rob, my mother is also obsessed with all things medical. She associates working in the medical profession with "respect," which has always been something that she's craved. She tried to push me towards med school so that she could boast of having a doctor in the family, and when I refused she instead insisted that I MARRY a doctor so that she could still have that respect. She also enrolled in the Medical Office Assistant program at the local junior college, and now tells people that she is a "nurse." She keeps volumes of medical reference books at home and tries to impress people with her so-called expertise.

When a friend or family member becomes ill she can't stop talking about it and embellishes every detail. I never know what to believe (it's mostly lies). At one point she even announced that she had terminal cancer, which vanished after a hysterectomy. My shrink says there's no way that she could have survived "terminal" ovarian cancer. More likely it was a benign cyst. Again, exaggerated to the extreme for the sake of attention.

Kathy