bit blooo today

[Hopalong]

I'm fat(ter).
I'm very strained, financially. Daughter had med bills; we had to do a big house repair. New expenses.
Worries me and delays the launch of my little side crafty thing.

Ma's not home but talks about coming home when I visit her in PT.
Depresses me to not know. I savor each day without her here and remember the last time I had a break and she came home I crashed, emotionally. It was so hard to back up and "give the space back".

I'm not sure what my other reasons are.

It's just kind of a cloud this morning.

I'll rally. Work helps...good anesthetic.

hugs all,
Hops

[tayana]

((((((((((Hops)))))))))
It'll get better, I promise.

[teartracks]

Hops,

I remember your pretty picture here a few months ago.  It may not help, but I bet you look pretty even in bloo.  You'll be back in the pink soon.  I know you and your resiliency.  Perhaps, your Mom's physician will give her an extension in PT.  In the meantime, hugs from one cushy hugger to another.

tt

[lighter]

(((Hops))))

I'm so tired of reading about women trapped and unable to DO anthing about miserable situations.

I wonder if we're doing everything we can to get out.  I wonder if we invited the troubles, like the rest of society wonders. ::smacking self::

 I wonder why it's so hard hard hard to fight and make changes that will improve our lives.   

I'm speaking in general here.... not just about you and me and the people here on the board or in the news, found shot to death by their boyfirends/husbands. 

I digress.

I do wonder how much I could do to change my circumstances.  How much I'm not doing.  What's consciouse and what's not.

Oh Lord...... RANT ALERT!!!!  Perhaps even a highjacking thread alert?!?!?


Should I just walk away without any money in my divorce and be glad I can still walk...even though I got screwed raw and hard?

Should I be hiring a team of flesh eating N's to represent me in a legal case and begin including members of my N's family as defendants?  This stuff crosses my mind!!!!

Should I take the position that everything happens for a reason and get used to paying for the pleasure of being screwed out of money and honor by my N and the legal system?  I'm working very hard on mastering this one.

Should I take the N back and do my best to NOT GO CRAZY and PRETEND HE'S NOT doing all the things he was doing before I filed for the divorce.  He's still doing them NOW btw. 

Should you have to live in the same house with someone who drives you to the depths of depression and breakdown?  I honestly don't know the answer to that one, Hops.  I don't know why it's happened to you and if it should change or how you would change it.  How would you live with the change, if you could make it happen?

Continuing along that thought......
Should you have to be subjected to your mother AT ALL, much less live with her? 

IF YOU HAVE... ah hem.... sorry about yelling, if you have to live with your mother can you not set it up so that you have buffers that protect you in some sane way? 

Look, I think we can't really really set up buffers.  I'm all for NC and yet, here I am considering going back with my N and you're cringing in anticipation of your mother coming home.  It's just so wrong on so many levels, IMO. 

I'm just so tired of feeling helpless.  Of reading about women who are trapped and at some sociopath's mercy.  Are we trained up to be that way?  Are SOME of us trained up to be that way?  Are some of us not trained but blindsided by the predators that choose us because we're nice and unsuspecting, healing givers?  I already know there's no easy answers.  I just needed rant and feeling frustrated for you was the catalyst today.

End rant

[dandylife]

Hops,
A cyber-hug to you ((((((Hops)))))) because you need it.

You feel alone because you are alone. It's all up to you. You hafta pay the bills, you still feel responsible for your daughter. You feel responsible for your mother. You have a lot on your shoulders.

You've done an amazing job thus far of shouldering all those responsibilities.

Take some time to do things for you that don't cost money - and don't add calories! (Take a long soak in a tub smelling like your favorite flowers, listen to Sara MacLachlen or your favorite music on CD as you soak and relax. Read a book just for the sake of escaping for a few hours. Not about N's. Make a super deluxe salad of summer fresh ingredients and ENJOY!)

Celebrate today because you are special and you are worth it.

Dandylife

[dandylife]

CB123 & Lighter,

I am starting a new thread so as not to hijack Hops'. I think you both bring up great points here about strength and power.

Hops has exhibited her abilities to be powerful and shows strength in relationships, in steadfast ability to protect and preserve herself and is caring and helpful towards her mother, even though it's difficult.

Anyhow, if time permits, I'd like to post a new comment on strength and power for women esp. in relationships.

Dandylife

[lighter]

CB... I want Hops to live with the regular difficulties of life without being driven to breakdown by the proximity of her mother.  Geez, call me crazy but......

I want her to have that choice, not even sure it exists, and that's soooo frustrating bc I like Hops and I think she should be allowed to live without  being driven to the edge of insanity by someone who should be nurturing and protecting her.

How much choice do we have, whether we realize it or not?  

How much is guilt and feelings that we aren't worthy of taking care of ourselves that keep us from making healthier decisions?

I can say that, my mother just said she's "about over this crap of listening to anger and problems with my sibs and I."  She hasn't even heard from all of us yet and after only about a week she's OVER IT?!?!  Apparently one sib blamed some stuff on her and she can't see that they're just overwhelmed and clutching at straws but what the hell anyway!!??!!??  She's very good at protecting her self and making sure this kind of crap doesn't happen to her in the first place.  

I don't know whether to give her BIG points or smack her!

You can bet your bottom dollar that she wouldn't EVER be in the position I'm in, or Hops is in.  She just wouldn't.  It's not in her.  

I'm freakin jelouse!

She's all about self care.

I have to struggle to eat well and stay in shape,
which I manage and she doesn't.  

What was I saying?  Oh..... ::sigh::  On the whole, my mother would refuse to participate at all in the situations we seem to be mired in.  How does this happen TO US?  And not other people?  What is it about US that we CAN CONTROL to get ourselves out of these situations?  Definately a rhetorical question there, CB, lol.

When she/mom pushes me to DO something about my situationt, I feel a tug of resentment.  What is that tugging?  Is that me resisting the path of deliverance or is it something else?  I'm goin with "somethin else" cause I can't deal with the fact that I may be the biggest cause of what's going on.  And really, I know I play a part but I know I didn't cause it and I know I want out.  So why is it so hard to go?  I have to assume that demons aren't sitting on my N's shoulder, running interferance for him (which is truly how it feels.0

I really don't know, in my own case, and I sure don't know about everyone else's cases but I agree with you that we all do have choices and we should be honest about what the reality of those choices are.  

BTW, I'd consider taking N back under certain circumstances.  

a)  That he not put me and the children in danger.

b) That he pretend to be a decent human being the majorty of the time he's around us.  

I know I'm demanding but hey.... a girl's gotta have her standards, lol.  

Disclaimer:  Please take this rant with a grain of salt.  please do not assume I am seriouse with regard to content, or throwing myself off high buildings anytime soon.  Please accept that I had to rant, though I chose an innapropriate forum to do so (someone else's thread)

Also, please assume I am going through with my divorce, no matter what, bc I don't believe my N could do either a) nor b) of aforementioned demands.  I seriously doubt he's even going to humor me with an attempt.  I figure I'll be in divorce court hell for years and end up with nothing but debt and damaged children but I'll still be here gutting it out and hopefully, feeling less trapped when that day comes.  <snort>  

OK, I'm not having a bloo day.... it's more of a "kicking rocks and eatin balogne samiches" day, lol.  

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
   I am so sorry for your pain.(((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))). Taking care of an N(ish)   mother is terribly hard. My heart goes out to  you. It seems like you have too many responsibilities on your shoulders.
 I send love, comfort and peace to you. I will keep you in my heart and in my prayers  Love   Ami

[JanetLG]

Hops,

I'm sorry you're feeling bloo....it does sound like you've got a lot of responsibilities at the moment. That would get anyone down. In a way, living with an N mother constantly, with no let up, might be considered *better* than having a respite from her, knowing that you're going to have her back. What I mean is, you get just a taste of freedom, knowing it's going to be whipped out from under you. Mixing my metaphors a bit here, but do you see what I mean?

On a more positive side, what's this about the 'little side crafty thing'? I love all kinds of crafts, and find craft hobbies (including the embroidery I do for my business) really helpful when I get stressed. Are you planning to sell something you make, or what? Please tell me!

Janet

[WRITE]

are you sure this decision to live with your mother is for the best? I remember discussing it with you on the board a couple of years ago, it seems to be really taking a toll on your wellbeing.

Love to you, I'd like to hear about your craft works too.

[Lupita]

if my pain gives you some consolation, I owe so much money to the hospital, to several doctors, wow, dont know what to do.
But just wanted to cheer you up. You are a great listener, I know that because youa re able to reflect on what the person says.
I love your posts. I wish I could see you one day and talk in person.

Love to you.

[Hopalong]

Thank you everyone.
TT and Tayana for sweet comfort and hugs, Light for sharing the frustration with a Real Rant, CB for fathoming why I got myself stuck, Dandy, Lupita, Bean...more hugs and understanding and support--goes such a long way. Thank you ALL for the love.

Light, I had to laugh...I think I'm driven near-nuts by my proximity to ME! And everyone who mentioned it, yes it was a choice. Now it's more a marathon, but of course the finish line will come. Upending everything isn't really a reasonable option right now (i.e., moving), but for now, she's not here, and I should make the most of my freedom.

I do have more choices...about whether I eat well and exercise and use more discipline in my own behalf. Pure self-neglect is inexcusable (particularly given all my lectures to everyone else on that...busted). 

Janet and Write...thanks for the interest! Don't mean to be coy but all I want to say right now is I'm having a luxurious but simple and whimsical and comfy and lovely and delightful garment made in a local factory and plan to sell it over the Net. It's intended to make women of all ages break into a smile and be eager to wear one.

I promise, once things are ready (might be many months)--I'll be more specific. I've done pattern, trim, image, fabric sourcing, art digitized, printer selected and on board, and 2 prototypes made, and SBA classes taken. I'm going slowly but I'll get there. It's a happy thing, and that's my goal...earn something while making people smile.

I feel better. Thanks everybody for being so amazing.

love
Hops

[RESARN]

Not fatter - fluffier.  You know - we can't choose our family and we don't have to like them.  If M sends you off the deep end, send her elsewhere.  Who is going to take care of you if you don't take care of yourself.  I know that I sound cruel.  But my M was very controlling had to be the center of attention.  When I had enough, I moved away ( where a visit was actually a trip).  I love my M but I don't like that way she makes me feel.  Be strong - take control of your destiny.  Hugs - RESA

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Resa.
It's okay, I'll cope (without getting too much flufflier, too...) Thanks for that! 

Medicare is paying completely for her stay in PT now. So far so good.
Moving her elsewhere isn't an option financially.

I don't really need a drastic solution...I just need to remember my health and honor it.

It's okay. I'm trying to let it go for tonight.
Not sure why I started freaking out about it when she's ABSENT.

? Maybe because in the peace of the house I finally noticed my feelings.

Aha. Und zo?

Miles to go before...etc.

hugs
Hops

[Sela]

Aw Hops peace does that sometimes (or quiet does, anyway eh?).

It sounds like a big plate of stuff.  Maybe it can be broken down into bites?  Then chewed up and finished off?

If I knew a leprechaun, I'd send him over with a big pot of gold for you!

Sending you more strength and resilience and calm thoughts to help you find your way. (I know...it doesn't compare to that pot of gold but it's all I got).

(((((((((and a big, large hug too!))))))))

Sela