note to X who possibly is on the board again

[reallyME]

X, if it is you, by virtue of your name on here, I just want you to know that I will stand by what I say as truth, unwaveringly and NOT BE MOVED, as you used to try and "teach" me to be.

I do love you still and will always, but you and those close to you, seriously need the help you claimed I needed and you couldn't give me. 

Now that I've studied Psychology, Abnormal Psychology and Sociology on a college level, I understand EXACTLY why you were the way you were with me.  Sadly, it will most likely take a real WAKE UP CALL from the Lord to break through the walls you put up.

The thing I feel bad about though, is that you pushed away someone who truly would have walked with you through things, had you not scapegoated, mocked, punished, devalued and ultimately replaced me.  Ya know, X, people are not OBJECTS.  You don't use them till you decide they don't line up with the image of what you want, and then treat them horridly and discard them, thinking they will just keep coming back for more without blowing the whistle.

It was cruel what I went through.  I still have memories that still hurt deeply.  That, in itself is NOT a good excuse for you to not come back and try to make things right.

You can succeed in any venture you try to.  But you will always remember that there was a bridge behind you that never fully burned.  When the Lord transforms you by the "renewing of your mind" I will still be here for you.  I mean that.  As a friend, a sister, but never again as your scapegoat or "sounding board only." 

I still have to thank you for being there for me when I went through the effects of getting on a new medicine.  No matter what the motive was, behind you sitting there, asking me if I was ok and what I was experiencing, you were the ONLY ONE who stuck around online for me during one of the most terrifying times of my life.  I will ALWAYS be thankful for that and the other good times in the beginning, during the "baiting process."  you have the potential to be an AWESOME person.  I pray that you spend the rest of your life, pursuing THAT destiny rather than trying to finally gain approval of your parents by wounding everyone else in sight.  It's not worth it to punish because you were.  Hurting people hurt people, you always told me.  Now I see that it was true.  All the times you told on yourself and I didn't even realize it.  Gosh...oh well, that's all I have to express right now, X. 

May you one day find your SELF and let THAT be what others see too...cause God already sees and knows WHO you are.

Blessya X

~Laura

[lighter]

Ummmmm.....  ::handing reallyME Haagen daz of her choice::

Let's eat ice cream together

and ignore the N's on the board, eh? 

[pennyplant]

Yes, it is only right to ignore them because it deprives them of the thing they crave the most, supply.

However, I must say I admire Laura's words here and her expression of her feelings and the strength that comes through.  I still get tense and silent around one of my Ns and around the other I can talk and be friendly in a superficial way only.  But that is not the same as being myself around them, strong and confident.

I like Laura's words.  And I too noticed someone putting in a small post that reminded me of her Ns when they came on previously.  It is good to know that one's instincts can be trusted.  I'm just learning that.  If that really is Laura's N, it is very subtle and I can see how Laura was drawn in and then felt so betrayed when the abuse began.  Blind-sided.  And also a good illustration of why outsiders don't believe us when we try to describe what was done to us.  Knowledge is power.  You've got that now, Laura.

Pennyplant

[Ami]

You are so right about the 'subtle" nature of how N's hurt us. I have just faced how horrible my mother is. She tried to destroy my mental health-- to make me doubt my perceptions,intuitions and insights. She stole my "core" from me. She was so subtle that I blamed myself for "not liking" her.  I hated myself my whole life b/c I did not "like her"  . Whenever I think a 'bad" thought( selfish etc) I have self hate come in. She programmed me to be the perfect little robot, all for her to use so she could feel better about herself                Love  Ami

[isittoolate]

I might be here but I cannot help wondering why people pander to the X! All it is, is N supply!

[reallyME]

isittoolate,

I was not pandering to the X as you called it.  I was sharing some deep feelings that I still carry. 

As I was praying today, the Lord showed me that I need to clarify something.  In my situation, X was a spiritual leader and friend to me...NOT my biological mother or father.  Many of you are talking about having been RAISED by a narcissist.  From what I have read on here, that is VERY DIFFERENT in some ways, than my situation.

When I met X, there was a period of time that I got to know her and grew to love her.  We would share evenings online where we'd be acting silly together, and we shared some adventures together...long before the fateful day when we decided to try and "live" together (not anything other than in a ministry, getting to know you) sense of the word.  We just didn't click cause she decided I was not grandiose enough nor was I always "one step ahead of her" like her children apparently had learned to be.  I didn't dress in high-fashion, nor hold much thought about looks and appearance.  In defense of her, she was raised in a strict religious household most of her life, but there were other dysfunctions in her family that I won't get into.

On the surface, she was a very loveable and even likeable creature.  Behind closed doors was where the demanding, immature, insecure, bratty, spoiled, whiny type of persona was shown...but, apparently only to certain people.  Not even close loved-ones were able to see this side of her...that way, when any of her "victims" went to cry about things being so bad, to those other people, they would never be believed.  It was a really clever way to keep things secretive and punishing and to keep her image intact.

Well, there is a lot more to all this, but not going to elaborate further.

All I can say is, my heart goes out to every one of you who were RAISED by narcissistic parents.  THere are no words to ever describe your lives and the pain of such an "upbringing."

Keep talking with us on this board and know that you are loved and valued and God really will work ALL THINGS TOGETHER in the end, if you put your love on Him and follow His plan.

BLessya

~ReallyME

[guest101]

As I was praying today, the Lord showed me that I need to clarify something.  In my situation, X was a spiritual leader and friend to me...NOT my biological mother or father.  Many of you are talking about having been RAISED by a narcissist.  From what I have read on here, that is VERY DIFFERENT in some ways, than my situation.

Most of the trauma or triggers people suffer from have a lot to do with the fact that the person who is injuring them "reminds" them emotionally of their mother and/or father (or a significant person from their past) -- that's why we care so much and have such trouble letting go!!!  It's an old problem back in a new shirt.

So I have no doubt that you were reenacting trauma with this person, trauma from your past -- with who, only you can determine.

[Hopalong]

Hello Guest 101,
Can you share more about yourself?

What is it about Laura's thread that drew you here to comment?

Would you like to introduce yourself?

Best,
Hopalong

[reallyME]

guest101:

Most of the trauma or triggers people suffer from have a lot to do with the fact that the person who is injuring them "reminds" them emotionally of their mother and/or father (or a significant person from their past) -- that's why we care so much and have such trouble letting go!!!  It's an old problem back in a new shirt.

So I have no doubt that you were reenacting trauma with this person, trauma from your past -- with who, only you can determine.

>>>Thank you for posting, guest.  I already know that you are not connected with the people I referred to, because your spelling is too perfect and so is your grammar, but, from the sounds of it, you might somehow know them or others like them.

I will say that X knew she reminded me of my mother and she even told me "I figured it out.  I remind you of your mother, don't I?"  When I showed her a pic of my mother, she was HORRIFIED and said that the woman looked like a witch.  Sorry, but that made me laugh, because my mother was every bit as into her LOOKS as X was...so X was in essence calling HERSELF a witch too.

My mother NEVER did to me the things that X did though.  My mother was so upset when I called her and told her about my "vacation" time with X, that she wanted to drive out to her house and slap a law suit or something on her!  My mom also SCOLDED me for involving myself with someone from "the internet" as a friend or whatever, and highly advised me to get OFF the internet and back into REALITY.  Interestingly though, so did X...which was why she gave me a car and URGED me to either get a job or go to college.  I chose college and I can say to X...THANK YOU!  That was the BEST CHALLENGE you could have given me!  Now, I understand so much more about your past and why you are as you are, as I've even told YOU.

So, yeah, I was "reenacting" all right...but not so much MY past, as X's past with her own mother.  When I was with her, she became "doting mom" or "punishing mom" depending on what she felt was warranted for each occasion.  Maybe she will never see this or understand the phenomena of it, but, I'm fairly sure it's something she does over and over again with person after person, since she always seems to live the same pattern:



...pour out the gifts,... you're my "one and only,"....plant the dreams into your head....try to clone and shape you...start getting closer, opening up...oops! I didn't want that much intimacy!..."YOU ARE BAD, EVIL, IMITATING ME, OUT TO GET ME, NOT WHAT I WANTED....YOU CAUSED ALL MY PROBLEMS SO GO AWAY!....OH WOW! LOOK, A NEW TOY THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU COULD EVER BE...THIS TOY DOES EXACTLY WHAT I WANT, GOOD TOY...NOW WE WILL HAVE TEA TOGETHER LIKE LITTLE GIRLS AND I WILL SHOW YOU OFF TO EVERYONE, YOU ARE THE BESTEST TOY IN THE WORLD, WHAT?  DID YOU JUST TELL ME NO?  NOBODY TELLS ME NO.  I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT,...OH WAIT! YOU ARE NOT PERFECT AT ALL! I SEE... A ScRATCH?  WAAAAAAAAAAAH I WANTED ONE THAT HAD NOOOOOOOO FLAWS...TIME TO FIND ANOTHER TOY, YEAHHHHHHHHH! NOW, YOU WILL DO JUST FINE! (NEXT, NEXT, NEXT and ON IT GOES!)

[lighter]

pass the hagen daas....uh-yummmm(muffled)Yummmmmmmmmmmmmm

If only there was more creme brulee icecream in the world.

bean

Last night was a Starbucks coffee chocolate covered almond ice cream extravaganza followed up with strawberry ice cream and more Starbucks ice cream WITH the addition of a huge scoop of natural peanut butter!  MMMMMmmmmm: ) 

[lighter]

reallyME:

You go ahead and share your feelings here.  That's what this board is here for.

Until you've moved into a better space where you don't feel those feelings so strongly anymore....


::Raising bowl of coffee chip ice cream::

Here's to looking forward to your dismissing your X and filling your life with things that aren't broken beyond all repair and so flawed they can't stand themselves!!!!!!  Living like rats, they are.

::moving over and patting bench:: Come sit and enjoy some ice cream. 

Your N isn't ever going to change or be fit for human consumption.  Lets talk about what you do want to fill your life with, reallyMe.  ::handing you a spoon::

[reallyME]

Until you've moved into a better space where you don't feel those feelings so strongly anymore....

Gonna sound a bit defensive here...

who says I want those feelings to not be strong anymore.  I don't sound off on this board in order to take away my feelings.  I sound off to let others know that THEIR feelings are being felt.

I don't EVER want to forget what happened with X.  As soon as I do, I am going to meet another person just like her and repeat the process.  no thank you. 

[lighter]

I've been where you are.... more than once.

I just couldn't remain vigilant or angry or suspisiouse enough to keep bad things out.

Feeling that way didn't save me from repeating the mistakes, in other words.

In my experience, what would have saved me was leaving behind the negative feelings and replacing them with healthy boundaries (I defended like a mama lion defending a cub.)

I failed in that very important job of self care and requiring minimum standards of treatment I surely can recognize, if I'm mindful and not making excuses. 

I don't have to feel any certain way in order to do that.   

Proactive positive acceptance and mindful practice of healthy habits hard won and nurtured helps me move on and take better care of myself.  I've done this before.  I'm doing it now.

Replacing harmful habits and thought process with better ones. 

Not that feeling your feelings strongly forever won't be the way you keep yourself safe.  It may be that it works for you.

I've just found that moving beyond my N is the way for me to grow and experience something better. 

Forgiving him will also lead to my own serenity and space to invite better things. (Not that you haven't forgive or won't.) 

If that doesn't make sense, then take it with a grain of salt and keep working on what works for ya. 

That's all we can do.