Thank you Lupita, Ami, JanetLG, Hopalong, Lighter,
Thank you for taking time to read and respond, it made me feel welcomed here. Your words have brought tears to my eyes. I feel the love and connection.
I am in my mid forties. I have a wonderful family of my own. But when it comes to NPD mother, you are still on you own. I have cried and talked to my husband so many times over the fifteen years of marriage(I came to realise she is a NPD about two years ago) I find him not really enthusiatic about hearing all the negative dark materials again and again. Plus I never listen to him, I always end up following my inner guilt wiring. It is no use talking to friends, they all have normal human mothers. So you don't have any validation. It was a year ago I came across this board luckily. I was so excited. I knew I was not alone anymore! I never dared to post. I remember someone on board asked why people only read and not respond, I was one of them. I read and read. That was all I could do. I was truely voiceless then. But the reading helped me, the struggles of other people inspired me. I have been reading books extensively for last 2.5 years on NPD, Adult Abised child, Codependent and other spiritual psycology subjects. But I alway come back to this board.
Right now I have been trying to write about my experince and my story. I failed after several tries, it all got side tracked or tangled up. I will do it later.
Lupita: Thank you! I believe in God. I believe we have essence of god in us. I am just starting to exert that power inside me, which including to start posting here.
Ami: Thank you! I am exactly like you, the healing starts after reading the posts here. My mother also uses my soft poins to stab me. She said after a fight: I am going to come back even after death to strangle at you neck, you are superstitious, aren't you? She knew I have a leaning on spiritaul side. She said about my children because I love them: They are not good things, and they are not going to turn out good. She said in chinese, I can not translate the vicious.
JanetLG: Thank you! You are strong, and smart, you did it 13 years ago, and there is no internet yet. I woke up too late, only now I realize that my life is also important, I should not trash it because of her.
Hopalong: I knew you, I read many your posts! Thank you for IQ, that is smart of you! I like it. I am going to start to talk on this board, and gaining my voice back. I need lots of IQ. You see the mouse in the experiment, after you electric shock it on certain route, they learn quickly, not repeat it anymore. While me, a homo sapiens, overly educated, have been doing the same things over and over until now, it was really sad. One chinese tradition is young has to obey elder, and have to take care old when parents are old. I called it old eats young, it is all self serving. I think it is an outcome of feudal agricultural society, and also from the dark side of big hats like confucious or meng zi. I got it drummed in me from young by my mother, I have to take care her, have to take care of her. Although she has job, pension, apt, she just expect you to wait on her and pamper her. Other than that, she is vulgar, mean, love to see other peoples's misery, all negativity, after talking to her, I need several days to detox, it was like to crawl thru the scum, and she love to drag you down to her level. That is her specialty, vulgar and lowly, other thatn that, witches are witches. Thank you for point out that is "fight for your right to live in dignity and with self-respect", it is exactly that. I always get don't think you are better, you are nothing, you have come out my ass, how can you think you are better. The truth is I never though I was better, and I never said I was better.
Lighter: Thank you! I don't how to convey on my first post. I wrote terribly, and I try too hard to write. The awakening process was very hard. I used to think before I fall in sleep, and the first thing I wake up, she consumed me. It is a circlular thought: I can not stand her, all the lies, abuses, and then turn around, thinking about any good things she did, like once she made noodles for me when I was young, and ask me if I want it cut to narrow or wide, I felt her love at that moment, and then I would feel guity, why I can not accept her way, do her wishies, and forgive her, why I am so small hearted? I maybe really selfish as she said. Like this I would beat myself up internally. I forgot to mention that I have been financially supporting her all this time, and she has been bad mouthing me behind my back. My life was suck out me! I guess I only can take so much. Now I start reclaim myself, like a child learning to walk, very wobbily. But I feel it is freedom, free of the bondage.
