Thank all of you for your responses. All of you are special,caring, and loving individuals. All of you have been thru so much with your Ns.When I go back and read some of the old post, it is just amazing that you are still able to live with your Ns. They have been so terrible to some of you, and I am so sorry for your pain.
I know that your post to me are warnings for me. You are trying to prevent me from ending up at the bottom of the pit, and I say Thanks to all of you for your helpful comments, and sharing your life situations with me.
I realize that I am at a bad place in my life. I have never experienced any of these emotions, or desires for a man until I met my xN. I don't understand what he has turned me into, or how he did it. My only crime is that I just wanted to love him and make him happy. When we met, I was sure God had answered my prayers. From the day i met him, I have only just wanted to have a normal, happy life with him.
For the life of me I don't know what happened, or when things started to go crazy. all I know is one day the script just flipped! instead of being his Queen, I seem to have become his problem? instead of respect, i could never measure up to what he wanted. Nothing I did anymore was good enough for him. I started to see him less, he would not rec'v my phone calls, his visits to me were short, it was one game after another. His rages, everthing that came out of his mouth was negative. All of the games were getting inside my head. He would push me away, then pull me back to him. Love me/hate me. The more horrible things he did to me, the more it seems I wanted him. Isn't that sick?
I am obsessed with him. Yes, I do feel as if he is my drug. The addiction is hard, and it is bad. Some days it is as if you are going to lose your mind. No sleep, no food, can't concentrate, you can't read, be around other people, your entire life is upside down.
I want to talk to him, see him, touch him so bad, but I will not iniate contact with him. He knows me well enough to know I will not call him, when I have made up my mind. knowing that I may never hear from him, or see him again makes me sick to my stomach. I do know that calling him would only give him that much more control of me.
I have read e-mails from some of you that you have gone 4, 5,6 months, and NC. I salute you, and hope I can emerge as you, and be what I once was, strong, self-assured, and full of confidence.
have a life again filled with joy, friends, and family. Being able to start a day without the N being my first thought. I so much want to be well mentally and emotionally. alive, and happy. I am not sure that I can stay away from him if he calls??
I feel sure some days that he will callme. I am the one that pulled out of the relationship, not him. Had I not confronted him about the other woman, we would still be together. Because he did not control that one incident, is why I think he will call. You know they have to have the last word.
I can honestly say, the Post that Redginger made has really made me think. I think I understand how for one moment they can make you so crazy. Then having the thought of not being with them forever is more craziness.
Help me to stay strong. A part of me does not want to get back into his web. I just don't know how to stay out of it.
Sweetgrass
