Author Topic: Going back to Ns  (Read 9074 times)

axa

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Going back to Ns
« on: June 29, 2007, 11:16:18 AM »
I thnk a number of people here went back to their Ns at different stages.  I am wondering what was the motivation and what the experience was like.  I am never going back but am just interested.

~Axa

dandylife

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2007, 01:53:08 PM »
I went back to my NH and am with him now (not remarried but we've talked about it and I wear an engagement ring). I am at the point of giving up my apartment that I had for a year. Making a long story short, I realized that the mental picture (what was going on in my head) was just as important as the behaviors that were taking place. My old thinking was that I had my choices taken away from me (learned helplessness), low self-esteem, one-down in the relationship (he was like an authority figure to me, more like a father - like my N father) and when I stripped these things away I saw that I was ALLOWING the situation to continue through my old filters.

Once I took power back in the relationship, it all transformed. Now I don't take on his tortures. I call the behaviors out that aren't acceptable and we communicate as 2 adults in an equal relationship.

Not perfect, but worlds apart from where we were 3-4 years ago.

Dandylife
"All things not at peace will cry out." Han Yun

"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

sea storm

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2007, 02:13:29 PM »
Dear Axa,

I have been intimiately involved with three Ns.
The one that I went back to was several years ago. He was the usual charismatic handsome silver tongued devil. We separated after he walked out on me and went to live on the estate of a wealthy woman. Jeepers this is what happened here. Of course he was trading up.
We were living apart but seeing each other for very passionate reconcilliation. HE was controlling when we could see each other so that  we didn't jump back in and repeat the same problems. He said he wanted it to work. So we saw each other twice a week. Later I realized he was seeing two other women at least.

I would say that I knew it was folly but my passion or addiction to him overwhelmed my good sense. We yo yo'd back and forth for years. Each time we couldn't stay away from each other, but each time he was unfaithful. He just had to have other women. Each time it was like amputating a limb to go back to him. I knew it was dangerous but I could not resist him. And he was compelling and adventurous and a great lover.
He was like a death wish for me. Like sure I like sky diving or cliff diving but finally i  realized that it would kill me.

The fabric of my life began to unravel during my relationship with him. I was going to university and I could hardly function, my grades fell. I became like Isabelle Adjani, a defeated woman, with only shreds of self esteem left. Finally, the day before I was to leave on my teaching practicum, he beat me up. He broke a potted plant over my head and pushed me to the ground by the hair and kept pushing my face in the dirt. He was getting destoyed by the relationship too. What a nightmare.

I called the police. At that time they did not take domestic disputes seriously and they advised me not to lay charges but to get a restraining order. I did this and they went to his workplace to deliver the order. This probably scared and humiliated him and I never saw him again.

Gioing back is not the answer. Big understatement. If I could have put that passion into connecting with life and with myself it would have been so life saving. Finally, we were done. I grieved for years though. I can still feel the shame of all that. I stayed away from men for ten years. I worked on my career and raising my child.
I realized that I just repeated history in my next relationship. I guess I am attracted to unavailable men. This is my siren call. So I am finally trying to understand why I am so addicted to some kinds of men.

I get sucked in when the man I love says : i willl love you until the day I die. You are the great love of my life etc.  And really they are just words. It is so easy for some people to lie.  Be careful and guard your heart.

Love,
Sea storm

JanetLG

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2007, 05:39:42 PM »
Sea Storm,

I'm so sorry you went through that. That's awful. The justice system doesn't take domestic violence seriously ever, IMO.

AXA,

With my NMum, (as with CB's experience), it took me years to decide to stop seeing her, so once I finished with her, it was permanent (on my side, anyway - she still tries occasionally to contact me, via one of her minions, but I'm not having any).

As for my Nboyfriend, sometimes after a row, *I'd* decide I'd finished with him, but he wore me down by turning up where I worked at the end of my working day, and to have a scene there would've been difficult (and he knew it), so I'd end up talking to him 'a bit', and he got to me that way. We'd end up 'trying again' - his words - he never did any of the trying, though, it was always me. It was just a trick to hook me back into going round again, and it worked for 6 years. Should've dumped him after a week.

Janet

Ami

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2007, 05:56:42 PM »
Dear Sea Storm,
   I am so very sorry that you went through that. Did you have a childhood that "set you up" for this relationship, do you think?
   Your description of that abusive incident reminded me of the time ( 2 yrs ago) when my H was holding a heavy wooden chair over my head ,in a total rage.  It was  so awful--- fearful ,humiliating and destructive of self esteem and self trust                    Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Overcomer

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2007, 08:24:30 PM »
I went back with my ex for five years-he left me for another woman two months after I had my second child.  Their affair lasted five months, a pregnancy and abortion-she finally had enough of him.  He got in trouble for lewd behavior in front of her young daughter.  I wanted to drop kick him but my M mom would not have me divorce him.  She paid for his lawyer.  I bugged the phone and caught him in another affair and not even my mom could stop me that time.  Mom would say have the sin not sinner!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Overcomer

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2007, 08:26:36 PM »
We hate the sin not the sinner!  Oh yeah he was a sinner-at least 25 affairs during our marriage.
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

sea storm

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2007, 10:18:00 PM »
I would say that my childhood definately set me up for falling "in love" with narcissists.I think I was probably pretty narcissistic myself. I wanted great love, great adventure, great good looks, great sex. Nothing mundane for me. However, this was a very rocky road and I was certainly humbled as time went on.
It is one thing to be attracted to an N and quite another to actually stick around for the abuse and humiliation. I agree with Janet when she describes going back to N after being convinced of his love. It just ends up with more of you giving and more of them taking. And it really just erodes what little self esteem you have. One thing is true and that is that history repeats itself.

If anyone is thinking of going back to their abusive partner give yourself a big break and postpone it for six months or a year so that you have a chance to develop friends and interests. If you are with an abusive partner you are probably too exhausted to do this but it is your saving grace.

Sea storm

sally

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2007, 10:30:50 PM »
I don't go back.  Instead, I burn bridges.  Lucky me!! (Sarcastic!!)

We don't face good choices:  Go back to the N so that he can try to destroy us or be lonely alone.  I chose lonely alone and now I'm trying to get myself out of isolation.

Love,
Sally
« Last Edit: June 29, 2007, 10:36:01 PM by sally »

reallyME

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #9 on: June 29, 2007, 10:37:43 PM »
I went back to X friend online only.  Why?  Because I wanted to really try and make her see that she was a narcissist, and I was hoping she would see it and agree and go get help and then come back and profusely apologize to me and we'd work through things and be best of friends.  I really wanted her in my life so I thought, if only I could get her to SEE how messed up her family was...

I even tried talking to some of the family members and they only brushed me off.  Of course a parent would defend the X, because the parent was responsible for X turning out the way she did.  EVentually X found out that I was talking to people about her and decided to cut ME off entirely.

Really, X has too many people who back her in things, so she never can truly believe she is doing wrong.  It's a sad situation, and sad that she possibly is still like she was, thinking it's ok and normal and good.


changing

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2007, 02:11:16 AM »
I went back to my N Father. I kept in touch, but stayed away at his request- his wife din't want me around, and he said it would make his life easier. During his final illness, his wife abandoned him in a filthy hole of a nursing facility, without a stitch of clothing, shoes or even his glasses. These people were millionaires, with a HUGE home, where her mother stayed during her last days. My father begged her to visit, and begged to come home, to no avail. His wife even gave the wrong cell phonenumber to the staff. I tried to help- the power of attorney was tough to overcome. I brought clothes, food, my laptop and his favorite movies, and the evening paer to read.
My father would command me to call his wife as soon as I got in the room. No warm hello, no fond smile. he knew how hurt I was by the banishment I had suffered. He criticized my appearance (I was exhausted, but still tried to travel the distance to see him) and everything that I did. I feel now that he is one, I no longer hurt during holidays, etc. I have never had gifts and holidays , and no family has called to see if I was well, etc. I know that doing my best for him has insulated me from guilt, however, and I am able to disengage again, instead of remaining tied to the whole N drama.
I went back to my husband (or let him come back) several times. I was sad, thought perhaps I could make things right, hought it was me. But I never made him happy- I was either obsessed with housework or a terrible housekeeper in his eyes. He left today ( I asked him to for the first time) and still,somewhere, I hoped that I was wrong, and that he would show me how silly I was. Instead, he called me a B----, and reiterated his favorite put-downs. I think that perhaps my isolation works against me, drawing me back in, and paradoxically increases the intensity of my emotions and dependence on the other person (parent, spouse,etc.), which then precipitates a spiralling out of control.

reallyME

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #11 on: June 30, 2007, 07:40:26 AM »
changing,

First of all, gentle hugs to you from me.  You have had a life of misery and frustration beyond words.  I am so sorry that you've had to endure that.  I pray that you have a good, trustworthy person to talk to about these things, and possibly a counselor.  You deserve so much better than what you've been through.

Secondly, as I read about how your N-father turned out, I kept feeling like I wish I could reach X or someone would, before that too, is her resulting end.  Right now, as far as I know, she is rather wealthy and she lives for that wealth.  It seems often that those who lived their lives for riches and to torment others, have a horrid, lonely end.  I really do not want that for her or her family, but alas, that choice is given to us all. 

I'm just so sad that you went through all of that!

My prayers are with you.

~ReallyME


changing

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #12 on: June 30, 2007, 11:47:16 AM »
ReallyMe-
Thank you for your post.t was truly insightful as to the correlation between my father's preoccupation with money, and his own fate. Years before, I had warned him that he was setting himself up as a King Lear prototype, and I let him know as well that I was certainly not interested in the Cordelia role.
I had a much older brother who I had never been told about, who was a a ward of the state due to brain damage. When mainstreaming became the norm for those in institutions, my father became alarmed at the idea that he might have to assume some financial responsibility, and he enlisted my help in going to the institution, etc. I loved my poor brother at first sight, and for the first time I perceived my father's N traits (somehow I couldn't discern this before, despite the incredible privations and abuses that I myself suffered as a child).
Later my brother contracted pneumonia, and he was sent to the hospital where he caught a "super-bug", and was kept in hellish torment. No one could enter the room without a "spacesuit" type of gear, etc. My brother was strapped down, fed through a painful tube, almost totally blind, mentally challenged, with no hope of recovery. He was a gentle and innocent sentient being in constant pain and isolation. I was stricken by this and did all that I could to help him. I spoke with his social worker about instituting a no resuscitate order, which would have spared him the torment he was going through, and she reacted as if I were a serial killer. I think he was the perfect client for her at that point.
My father was unmoved by my brother's plight, called me a "little fool", and said that he feared getting stuck with the bills if he meddled in the matter. I tried to initiate legal proceedings in order to get standing in the matter to no avail. I offered to shoulder the financial responsibility, although I was not wealthy like my father. My mother was completely out of the picture, I didn't even know her whereabouts, and she also had abandoned my brother.
My older brother, a prominent person who had left home the week of his 16th birthday  and made his own way, was unmoved when I asked for his help and support in the matter. All of the "smart" people in the family were confortable; only the fool had nightmares every night.
My brother died in his torment and I still cry at the thought of his reticent and gentle manner, his life and his death. In an odd way, my father's last days mirrored my poor brother's. He begged for help, wanted to go home to his gigantic house, wanted to be placed in a decent facility, yet I could not overcome the machinations of his wife, and her power of attorney. I did what i could, yet I remained the despised Little Fool.
Even the burials of my father and eldest brother bore eerie similarities. My eldest brother was interned in a pauper's grave, with murderers and homeless unidentified "strays". My father did not inform me of his death until it was too late for me to make arrangements. My father had bought some expensive plots many years before. His wife actually told me that she couldn't afford a casket (my father often presided over Masonic funerals, and many times took over the expenses for poorer lodge members, etc so this was ironic). My father had a large steady income, real estate worth millions, etc, so this was beyond nutty. I think that she tried to sell the his plot, but was foiled by  the law. My 'King of Funerals" father was cremated, his remains placed in a cardboard box, and given a pathetic service. My other brother did not even show up.
Love is what matters. I told that to my NH who just left. He also said that I am a fool, that all marriages are loveless. But I refuse to continue my family's sad legacy.

sea storm

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2007, 03:59:28 AM »
Dear Changing,

Thank you for telling more of your story. It is incredible that you are still functioning after all you have been through. Much love to you on your journey. Someday you will be happy that your x left. At least now you have a chance to have a full and rewarding life.
I separated from my partner a few months ago and felt like a beaten dog. Many of the things you describe in your marriage  were consistent with my relationship. The is a lot of shame in remaining in that subservient position and enduring the humiliation. But it is over now.

I have rebuilt my life one brick at a time. In the beginning I was so empty and such a codependent that I felt I had no personality left. Today i felt happy and worked in the garden, went for Chinese food ,read a good book and loved my cat and phoned my daughter, who is grateful that I am not in a destructive relationship anymore.  I hope this can give you a little hope. You sound defeated and anyone would be who has gone through what you have.
Keep telling your story here. All of it if you can. You wll get validation and it will start to revive your broken spirit. We have been through it.

Take heart,
With Love,
Sea storm

sea stormr

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Re: Going back to Ns
« Reply #14 on: July 01, 2007, 04:03:10 AM »
Hi Axa,


Are you there?  How come you want to know about this?  Are you getting any answers that you need?

Yer ole pal,

Sea storm