Hi Everyone,
I feel so lucky to have found this board!
I am a 49 yr old female with everything in life going for me except one thing. I have a broken heart.
Not from my wonderful husband or children, but from growing up with an N mother. If you'll permit me, I'll tell you a little about myself. My mother was only 16 when I was born. My dad took off when I was about 9 months old. (That's another heartbreak). My N mother told me for as long as I could remember that I "ruined her life". The only thing that saved me was her parents, my maternal grandparents. They were sooo wonderful to me! They could never understand why she hated me. I wish she would've let me stay with them, but I became her pawn. She didn't want me, but she would not let them have me. So, she married again & again. She did stay married to my 3rd step-father for about 30 yrs. He was a wonderful, but very weak man. She ate him alive. He died penniless, alcoholic & alone. I lived in another state & could not help.
They had 2 boys who I pretty much raised. She never once (that I remembered) held me or touched me or spoke to me with love & affection. She really hated me.
Beatings, humiliation & scorn is all I remember of my childhood. My brothers faired a little better, but not much. She once set us down & told us (with no emotion, just fact) that me & my littlest brother would not be here if she had it to do over again. My oldest little brother was spared. Why, I don't know. She once threw him across the room & said "does anybody want a baby?" He bounced off the couch & hit the floor. I have never understood how she wasn't put in jail for abuse. I guess back then people didn't get involved.
Anyway, she never let us eat breakfast because she worked nights & we made too much noise.
I once was caught on my neighbor's roof watching them eat dinner. I was locked out of the house & I was hungry. I was on the part of the roof that jutted over the dining room. To this day, I cannot stand to look at tomato soup. That's what they were eating. Why the neighbors didn't call the police, I don't know. It wouldn't of done any good anyway. My N mother could fool anybody.
She once told me I became unlovable at age 7. 7! I don't know why she said that. She never loved me at any age. Besides, what can a 7 yr old child do to make her mother not love her?
But of course I took all this to heart. I became everything she said I was. I turned to men, drugs ect.
I have 2 beautiful daughters & a step-son. I was not a good mother to my girls. I was too zonked out on pain pills to be there for them. When they became older (and when I woke up a little) I got down on my knees & begged for their forgiveness. They are grown women now & I think they do forgive me. The other day my oldest gave me the surpreme compliment. That I was the best grandma to her 2 boys she has ever seen!!! Cool, huh? I, unlike my N mother, LOVE my grandkids.
My mother has not seen hers in years! She does not care to.
In a final, horrible twist, my great aunt passed away a couple of years ago & left alot of money in her will. She never had any kids of her own & it was supposed to be split between my mother, her sister (who I adore) & a cousin. With a generous amount to me & my 2 daughters. Well, in typical N fashion, she gained power of attorney when my great aunt was senile & changed the will. The only thing we got was a few savings bonds that she could not manipulate. Since I was out of state, my aunt & cousin hired an attorney to fight for all of us, but lost. Now no one in the family speaks to her. I cannot imagine taking money from anyone, let alone my own GRANDKIDS!
She said we didn't "deserve" the money because I didn't help take care of my great aunt in her dying days. Mind you, I lived out of state & my aunt (her sister) is legally blind & can't drive. And when my great aunt was alive & healthy, she NEVER paid any attention to her. NEVER! She just smelled the money. Period. She is now rich but alone. But...she sees nothing wrong with that. Me & my 2 brothers still talk to her. Why? I don't know. It's not for the money. She wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire. I guess I hope one day she'll wake up & call me to say how wrong she was to be so mean to me, her only daughter. I know, FAT CHANCE, right?
I guess to be honest, I'm hoping she'll give me back the money that is rightfully mine. She did call out of the blue & ask me to go to ITALY all expenses paid! I, like a fool, went. My husband warned me not to go. But I did. She spent the whole 8 days humiliating me in front of the whole tour group. I was so ashamed! I had a doctor & his wife come up to me & tell me that they had noticed how hard she was on me. But because she's an N, they said she must of had a hard childhood! BULL! We had it out in the hotel room in Rome & she told me if I was waiting for an appology to "not hold my breath". She even told me that if abortion was legal in 1957, I would not be alive today. Nice, huh? I even ended up applogizing to HER! For upsetting her!
My husband is so worried about me that I promised I'd get in touch with a therapist.
I've been in & out of NA & AA, but they always tell me to "get over it". Just how does one do that? On the outside I look normal. But on the inside I am shattered. It's so funny, I'm a "strong" woman who doesn't let anyone walk all over me. Nobody but her! When she calls, I'm 3 again. Crying out to my mommy "Love me, PLEASE!! But she never does. Oh, BTW. I looked my bio father up in the phone book when I was 24. BIG disaster! He tried to molest me like I was his girlfriend! I quickly cut all ties & he died in the 90's at age 55. So much for the long lost daddy "hero" riding up on the white horse to take me away. I guess after I deal with my N mother, I'll have to deal with THAT betrayal. Such heartache in this crazy messed up world! At least here, I feel I can talk to you & tell my story without someone telling me to "get over it". I can't wait to start theraphy. Maybe I will patch up my heart a little bit. The pills aren't working anymore. AA & NA will not work for me until I address my N mother & Absent father issue. Believe me, I've tried. Since 1988. It's all about not playing the "victim". Believe me folk. I'm not "playing one. I AM ONE! I'm just don't want to be anymore!
Thanks for listening.
If I don't answer back to your replies right away, it's because I've gone to bed. This really has helped, but It has also wore me out. Hopefully, I can talk to you folks tomorrow.
Bigalspal
