I give a lot of advice about appreciating the little things.
I'm not always taking my own advice, but I try.
Yesterday, I thought I'd start with something small, enjoy it and share it with the children.
I went out on the back porch, layed down under a rain threatening sky and invited my children to joiin me.
We imagined what the wind and thunder had to say to the trees. We imagined what the rustling of the trees had to say in response.
I remembered that, a long time ago, in another life before awakening to this N nightmare, that we used to do this together.
It felt right and good and familiar.
I'd forgotten how to do it.
Forgotten that I'd forgotten.
I'd become lost and it'was reassuring to start finding my way back.
I knew I would.
It never happens the way you expect it to though (and if I was busy beating myself up for sliding down walls the last few days.... I would have missed it, wouldn't I?)
I noted that and kept focusing on the storm and my children and how good these things felt on my skin, to my eyes, to my ears. Soft baby skin and hair on my cheek. Nestling half frightened of the thunder.... in my lap.
"My turn mama! My turn!"
The wind really was chilly, we got a comforter and nestled together.
Rain started to fall so we got a huge umbrella.
This wasn't so comfy so we propped chairs up to hold the umbrella. Worked like a charm.
This was good till my mother shooed us inside bc of lightening. Those darned mamas, lol.
I got one of my grandma's old chenille bedspreads, light dusty pink, and we made a majestic tent over chairs in front of the open back door. The wind blew and the storm was beautiful! We felt safe and special.
I started lighting candles while my mom fussed with the tent. It felt like a princess tent in the forest with fringesI It was wonderful! Grandma put the big umbrella under it and propped it up expertly. This woman KNOWS things, lol.
Grandma had been napping anda in a bit of a stupor before she joined us, btw. Our joy was contagiouse. She began coming up with ideas too!
Now, we turned out every light in the house and waited for darkness. We pretended there were no lights.
We pretended we were in the forest. We took turns telling ghost stories in our magnificent princess tent lit by candlelight. Grandma told a great one and she made a noise at the end and made us jump! It was grand.
It stopped raining and we lit torches outside. Mom broke out those glow in the dark blacelets and necklaces. The kids danced and pretended we had a campfire. They danced danced and pretended to be lots of wonderful things and we experienced joy and contentment.
It was perfection and I drank it in. I was thankful. I was capable of breaking out of the fear and pessimism and horror of feeling trapped and stalked by my N.
I watched every vehicle that drove by but..... I didn't let it shrink me or drive me inside or cause me to seek shelter away from window, lol! I perservered and let one good feeling lead me to the next.
I was in the zone!
I noted that and went back to enjoying my family.
We watched a movie, slightly scary, had popcorn and nestled together under blankets.
At some point, a bit after bedtime to be sure, we blew out all but one candle and carried it upstairs with us to bed.
It was a lesson in opening doors and allowing something besides fear and doubt inside. Living in the moment and not worrying about tomorrow or what happened yesterday. How few moments do we really live like that, in a lifetime? Not enough, I assure you.
I'd had days of overwhelming paperwork and catching up...... a couple of days without a shower even, as emberrassing and self defeating as that is. I just allowed myself to have that downtime, knowing I'd come out of it eventually.
I was charged and ready to greet the afternoon and nurture my children when I walked out on the back porch, freshly showered and feeling human again. In fact... I was feeling downright attractive, lol.
Of course, I was quite the vision before I shaved several days growth from my legs and washed my hair, lol.
Why do we always feel so icky when our hair isn't clean? (Rhetorical question, please don't answer that, lol.)
I can't say but.... I do know that I want more days and nights like we had yesterday.
I was glad to be alive again....
