Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Ns and their mothers
Peanut:
Hi TokyoJim: I've been reading with great interest your posts, but I'm just not getting a clear signal to come in somehow...
You said that your brother had a overly doting, (or something like that), mom, but he took a stand... Do you have the same mom, and if so, how were you treated?
This is simply a question, because I'm new, and a little because of some of the things you seem to be saying...
Do you believe that you have some N traits? Is that why your 'all-out' N friend so enrages you? If not, why is who he is cause such an extreme, (my perception), reaction in you?
Your experiences with N's seem markedly different than others on here, as does your proximate relationship to the N in your life, (this is relative I know), yet your reactions are almost violent, (which, believe me, I understand that kind of rage, but...)...
I'm about 89.9% sure that my motivation for asking you these questions is with good intent, :) , but it's possible that I have been 10.1% triggered in some way, so please allow for this in considering this reply, OK?
Best regards, Candle
Anonymous:
Thank you Bunny!
Yes, it also troubles me that I maintain such curiosity and interest. Since we were friends at such a young age, his psyche is probably part of mine and vice-versa.
I instinctively know that I must avoid this person. Interactions do not lead to peace and enjoyment of daily life. Thank you for your encouragement and insights.
I am not sure about your saying that there is a possibility that I am talking about my parents. But there may be some good insight there. I am sometimes still angry at my mother, even though she has been dead for over 35 years. When she died, I felt "good riddance," and knew enough to fake sadness at her wake and funeral. One part of me feels relaxed and normal, but another says that something must be wrong to not care when she died and to even be glad.
My father maybe should not have told me, but when I was maybe 30-35, he told me that she wanted an abortion with me and that he stopped her. Of course, I did not know that as a child, but I always suspected that she did not love me or did not want me, even though she said so repeatedly. I do not see N behaviors in my mother. Rather, I think that she had an anxiety disorder. Interesting that my father never used the word "love" with me, but I never doubted it from him.
Tokyojim:
I am the "Guest" writer of the previous response. Somehow I responded without registering.
Candle, I do not doubt any of your intentions and take no offense. Please feel free to speak freely.
I have seen some N behaviors in myself and wrote about them on the thread "Confessions of someone infected" or the like. And, about 35 years ago, I felt so much rage that I actually carried out something dangerous to him. And I must emphasize, I am not such a person. I used to box but gave it up because I did not have the heart to hit anyone hard.....
Anyway, I guess it is showing still. I am too mature to carry out anything now, but that rage is not good for the spirit. Thanks for the reminder. I must rid myself of this poison. It seems that two things will be necessary: Avoid him and learn more about myself.
Wildflower:
Hi Tokyojim,
I’m really glad you found a place where you feel comfortable talking about your relationship with the N friend because I can tell from what you write that it’s been troubling you for a while.
--- Quote ---I am not sure about your saying that there is a possibility that I am talking about my parents. But there may be some good insight there. I am sometimes still angry at my mother, even though she has been dead for over 35 years. When she died, I felt "good riddance," and knew enough to fake sadness at her wake and funeral. One part of me feels relaxed and normal, but another says that something must be wrong to not care when she died and to even be glad.
My father maybe should not have told me, but when I was maybe 30-35, he told me that she wanted an abortion with me and that he stopped her. Of course, I did not know that as a child, but I always suspected that she did not love me or did not want me, even though she said so repeatedly. I do not see N behaviors in my mother. Rather, I think that she had an anxiety disorder. Interesting that my father never used the word "love" with me, but I never doubted it from him.
--- End quote ---
These two paragraphs really spoke to me. Sometimes, when I’m feeling good, I can look at my mom and say, “she didn’t know how to love me, she didn’t know who I was, and it was never personal”, and I let out a big sigh of relief. When I’m feeling really low, though, these very same words make me feel so bad that I wonder whether I have a place on this earth, and that makes me so sad and angry and resentful and goodness knows what else. The fact is, it’s terribly painful to feel unloved by anyone, especially our parents, and your mom doesn’t have to be an N for you to have been really hurt by her.
Which brings me to my point. It just popped into my head as I read your post, so forgive me if I’m waaaaay off base, but I wonder if coming to terms with the fact that this friend – a friend you’ve invested 40 years of your life into – can’t get better and be well for you is in any way a reminder of how your mother couldn’t really love you?
Just a thought.
Wildflower
Tokyojim:
Thanks Wildflower, and there is of course, nothing to forgive for anything you write. On the contrary, I thank you for reading my post and offering ideas or suggestions.
I do not think that was the case at all with the N "friend." My thinking at that time was, "Mothers can cripple you. Best to get away from them."
I was in counseling 3 years ago when contemplating a divorce after 23 years of marriage. The counselor said that in choosing a partner, people mostly know only what they grew up with. They invariably try to reproduce it or fix it in their choice of a spouse.
I had decided to get married, and we were on a trip to see my family. She was writing some letters, and I fell asleep. When I woke, I looked at her in a half-asleep state and saw something I will never forget: My mother who was healthy, normal and loving! It was only a second or two, but that is what I saw. Needless to say, she was (and is) a very stable person. The only downside, I realized much later, was that there was no passion. I suppose that I was afraid of any unpredictability. I really wanted someone who would be stable and dependable and loyal.
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