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Ns and their mothers

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Anonymous:
Hi Surf,

"are you with someone healthier now?"

I'm not in a relationship at all right now. It has been about a year since the several year (on-off as it typically goes with N) dating relationship ended & I am still recovering.

After 7 months of not speaking at all (my wishes) we also still talk by telephone only (no in person meeting) a couple of times a week, as friends.  There is no other "energy" than friendship present in our exchanges.

You are right that it is lucky for me that things ended and I *really* do feel that, but part of me seems to need to grieve the loss of "what could have been *if only*", still.   This is a psychological healing thing, and not a magical thinking thing that I would act on.   I know the painful truth/reality all too well.

I do get lonely for a  *healthy* romantic relationship, but I know I need to take care of some other personal things first.  I can't consider it until at least the end of the year <sigh>...    

Thanks for the input.

surf14:
HI Guest;

 Sounds like you're in the  "right" state of mind about this.  I can certainly relate to grieving the "if only it could have been different".  Good luck to you! :)    Surf

el123:
I can relate to this post.  My N MIL has always viewed her sons as her surrogate husbands. Her oldest son, my BIL, is also a N.  They have such a dysfunctional attachment.  It's borderline creepy (Norman Bates mother creepy ).  My MIL was unbelieveably jealous of me for "stealing" her son (we dated for 1 1/2 yrs and he asked me to marry him without me ever bringing the subject up).  She was much more like a jealous ex girlfriend than a MIL to me.  And she would act provocatively towards her sons.  She's even said things to me like "People ask me if I'm B's wife (my BIL) instead of his mother.  Wierd, creepy, icky.  -El

Tokyojim:
El,

Thanks for your comment.  I knew the N and his mother since we were 16.  Of course, I did not know anything about personality disorders then, but instinctively knew his mother was bad news.  I tried to convince him to go away to college, get an apartment or move to a certain state he liked very much.  His mother hated me.  I later found out that she said I was a homosexual trying to seduce her son and that I was a dangerous degenerate.  Anything to keep me away from him.  She was like that about his girlfriends also.  He could not bring them around the house and lied to her about dating anyone.

After we both turned around 40, she no longer hated me.  She was secure with him by then.

Does your husband realize his mother and brother are Ns, and what he has to do about it?

el123:
TokyoJim,
your friend's mother sounds a lot like my H's N mom as far as trying to divide you two up.  My MIL used to make my H "choose" between her and I.  For example, "needing" him on Valentine's day evening after the kids were asleep, calling on a Friday night when she knew we had plans to do something for her, etc.  Constantly.  She'd also say things to me like "put your hair up" when I received compliments for it being down, doing all sorts of catty high school type things.  I didn't even get it, I just wanted her to like me that I basically enabled her to behave that way towards me and my H did too.  He feels horrible about it now .

"Does your husband realize his mother and brother are Ns, and what he has to do about it?"

Yes both he and I both recently discovered this after it became painfully obvious (if you read my older posts, you'd see what I mean, waaay too long of a story).  He has not spoken to his brother or mother for almost a month.

Take care, -El

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