Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Ns and their mothers
Anonymous:
I read a book about this years ago called "Emotional Incest". I forget the author's name. It was awful but necessary reading because my step-daughter, was/is attached this way to her father, my husband.
She's 26 and still sits on his lap, kisses him on the lips, loves me/hates me, gets jealous if he buys me anything, holds my husband's hand if we all go out together, beats me to the front seat of the car first so that she can sit next to him. Puts her hand on his lap all the time when she's sitting next to him on the loung ot in the car, but rests it up very high, near you-know-where.
When she buys new undies sets she comes over and models them for him. Aaagh! Anyway, I read this book and I realised he definitely caused her to be like this. His relationship with her mother always stunk, so he got his female companionship from his oldest daughter till I came along. He never went out with his wife, but he used to take his kids out a lot, and his oldest daughter was like his wife and took on the role well. Also she was like a mother to the other kids too. She loved it. He'd discuss his plans and dreams with her, and let her choose where they'd go. They used to holiday away without his wife. Just him and the kids. What a nightmare for her when I came along.
It's never settled down. Her dad has listened to a lot of teh book, and knows it's not healthy, and can see how he created it. He's tried hard to introduce some boundaries but when he does she gets really hostile and we know she can't cope with it or stand it.
For example, he tries to turn his head when she goes in for the long kisses on the lips but she just keeps searching and moving her head till she gets the kiss she needs. Then the last time she modelled the new undies he absented himself after mumbling something pathetic like "Very nice." Not exactly what I wanted him to say, but I guess he did his best. At least he didn't hang around. Blaah. It gives me the creeps sometimes. But it's a work in progress.
I've thought of getting her the book but I think she'd hate me even more, and I really don't think she'd read it. She's not a reader at all. She married a guy who looks like her dad and has the same occupation as him.
Anyway, the book was excellent and was called "Emotional Incest." Well worth a read if you have serious questions about this or are in a close relationship with someone like this.
Guest
Wildflower:
--- Quote ---He has not spoken to his brother or mother for almost a month.
--- End quote ---
Wow, El. That's such great news! Sending strength vibes your way to keep up the resistance! :D
Wildflower
Wildflower:
Wow, Guest. What a creepy situation! :oops: :shock: :oops:
--- Quote ---For example, he tries to turn his head when she goes in for the long kisses on the lips but she just keeps searching and moving her head till she gets the kiss she needs. Then the last time she modelled the new undies he absented himself after mumbling something pathetic like "Very nice." Not exactly what I wanted him to say, but I guess he did his best. At least he didn't hang around. Blaah. It gives me the creeps sometimes. But it's a work in progress.
--- End quote ---
It sounds like he's finally putting in the effort to take the right steps towards correcting their relationship, and that's so great. It must be so difficult for both of them, though. All of you, really. I'm sitting here thinking about how I'd feel in this situation, and while I can't really imagine it, I wonder what would happen if he tried to have an honest conversation with his daughter instead of dropping hints and making changes without telling her what's going on. Maybe a conversation about how he messed up and it's not her fault but that he'd like to make it up to her and try to have a normal father-daughter relationship with her? I only say that because I know how I often jump to the the worst conclusion when I'm confused about something or don't understand why things have changed (he doesn't love me anymore, she's making him do this, blah blah blah). It may be something that just takes time to change, but I thought I'd throw that out there in any case.
Wildflower
Portia:
....
rosencrantz:
Aaagh - you got me!!! My mother was well 'into' kissing on the lips. I remember having a serious conversation with her in my teens once - I didn't want any more kissing on the lips unless it was a very, very special moment!!! Actually I didn't want it at all, but I was trying to cut her some slack!!! Bleah!
Hey - that's a boundary! I was setting boundaries!!!!! :shock:
R
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