remarkable dream

[Hopalong]

I am among a crowd and a man comments to me how much he appreciated the work I did with the children, he was struck by it. Later, I meet this same friendly warm man (a teacher) at a gathering, and realize he's interested in me. Later still, he makes a marriage proposal in public--literally dangles an offer of marriage and says with a beaming smile (crowd is approving, applauding) "there's just one little condition" and what's in his other hand turns out to be a box of hair dye. I am so pleased to be wooed and wanted by such a charming seeming man that I say yes, go off and use the stuff on my hair, and feel okay about it (I had objected, telling him I hated doing it, but made a counteroffer...said, it's just until our 10th anniversary, which he agreed to).

But later in the dream I take another look and see how dull and flat and fake the hair looks, and my heart sinks that I've done it. I keep kicking myself mentally--it took TWO YEARS to grow it out--I've set myself back TWO YEARS. And then I also realize that I have compromised myself, my freedom, to win myself a huband, and I realize on waking...

a) whee, I was only dreaming, it wasn't real! I am so grateful!

b) This could be a sign that I ain't ready for a relationship yet. Not until in a dream I would have the savvy to stand on my feet and recognize in the moment it's happening, that a marriage proposal like that is not the kind I want. And simply say so, and trot on my merry way.

Amazing stuff, dreams.

Hops

[Ami]

I think that you are not willing to compromise yourself for a relationship. That is the place that we all want to be. I am so happy for you.
  Dreams are a wealth of information . They are trying to tell us something,but we usually don't listen.         
                                                                                          Love    Ami

[lighter]

Hops, that's the fear I have for you, that you aren't quite ready to fend off the charming spell of bad men.  They pain such a pretty (skewed) picture. 

I jumped into my marriage from a very strong, defensive place. 

I was loaded for bear and I had defending my boundaries prioritized. 

I just didn't KNOW how or have the actual defenses set up to withstand a full scale committed manipulation by a very bad lying N who figured out how to say and do what I needed in order to gain my trust. I SHOULD NEVER HAVE GIVE HIM THE CHANCE TO FIGURE ME OUT!!!!!!!  I KNEW BETTER AND YET.... here I am. 

On the face of  it, there was enough info to figure out the obviouse.  He wasn't for me and he DID TELL ON HIMSELF!

I just let him explain it away and accepted that he'd learned his lesson and would do better, God knows it felt good to feel I was special enough that he'd be a better person. 

Ouch.

I have to face that I was fooled and I was foolish and I was a fool. 

Ouch again.

Even harder to make peace with it because I was hell bent on NOT LETTING THAT HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN!

I think you'll be ready to date and have relationships again when.....


YOU CAN ENFORCE YOUR BOUNDARIES and stop yourself from being pulled back into RECONSIDERING enforcing a boundarie.  MEANING..... if you say NO to someone, let that stand.  DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF to be talked into reconsidering your NO.  If you can't do that, then you aren't ready.

It's difficult for us for lots of reasons.  We have to really get hard nosed and be rigid with regard to structuring our boundaries and REFUSING TO NEGOTIATE.  We're not really built to BE hardnosed esp on our own behalf, IMO.

I can't do that yet, Hops.  It's SO hard to turn my back on someone asking for help or empathy or posturing as though their on the brink of redemption.  I'm very aware but I have NO PRACTICE enforcing boundaries and moving on without a second thought. 

Once I can trust my instincts and refuse to be talked into doubting them.... I'll be ready for other relationships again. 

Right now.... I got a lot out of your dream too and I know I can't consistently honor my gut.   

It will come.   

I know what I have to do. 

It's just time consuming and I have to buck myself up and act like I deserve to be honored, until I believe it. 

When N's pretend to honor us, it's like a drug.  It feels so good bc that would be the best. Right?   ::nodding::

It's a trap and I have to stop falling into the trap I have to strengthen my belief in my instincts before I ever consider facing relationships again.  I'll have to have rules with myself before I make rules for others.  That's the trick.

BTW..... Be wary of any man trying to change ANY of your NO's into a yes. 

That should become a hard and fast rule you always follow. 

Nice men respect your choices. 

They don't invest huge time and effort into changing your answer.   

They don't prentend that they're changing your mind FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. BLECK P'tooey. 

Even feeling as strongly as I do now..... I can't trust myself to consistently enforce my boundaries. 

I'm a workin on it though. 

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Ami...you're probably right, I'm likely not ready! Then again, one of my professors had a theory I always liked. He said, our dreams are outlets for our hopes and fears. He used to say, "There's no such thing as a nightmare"--hah, easy for him to say, but he went on to try to explain that it's your subconscious doing something it needs to do. When you dream something scary, you actually help to release a fear.

[edit: Whoops, Ami, I confused your post's main point with Lighter's. But you're still right...I think the dream is about my fears of compromising my self-acceptance, as I did in my last relationship. The Nxbf was highly critical of things that weren't perfect. At one time, he told me he had real doubts about whether I was the right woman for him because I had "this back problem." And this from a man whose, ummm...manly part, didn't function w/o drugs or injections due to surgery. And which I would never have dreamed to criticize, because you don't criticize people for anatomical things they can't help! Aha. Gray hair. Hmmm...]

Lighter, some of your lines just LEAP. Here are a few that are so vivid and to me show such strength of mind:

DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF to be talked into reconsidering your NO.

You're coming on my next first date, okay?

....posturing as though their on the brink of redemption.

This is so revealing, spot on. Devastatingly good writing.

I'll have to have rules with myself before I make rules for others.

future tense? I believe in better for you. I think you're creating them right now.

prentend that they're changing your mind FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. BLECK P'tooey.

Oh triple blecchh and more p'tooeys. Great harmless cursing!

I hope all these very strong insights will begin to play out soon, Lighter.
Any time you want to "review where you are"--this is a good place to.

thanks again to you both,
Hops

[teartracks]

Hops,

Man, that dream couldn't have been more compact.  It sounds like its message was clear to you. 

”This above all: to thine ownself be true,
 And it must follow, as the night the day,
 Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
                         -Shakespeare-Hamlet

tt

[axa]

Hops,

REad your post and when you agreed to take the dye my heart sank.  I could feel it in the pit ofmy stomach.  It is what I would have done.  And of course I would have rationalised it all by saying things like well one has to have give and take in a relationship.  I think your subconscious is really calling on you.  You have this image now to hold with you.  You know dying your hair is a metaphor for all the giving in you have done, the submissive voiceless Hops......... don't think so anymore.

Delighted to read this post, resonates so much with me.

axa

[CB123]

This could be a sign that I ain't ready for a relationship yet. Not until in a dream I would have the savvy to stand on my feet and recognize in the moment it's happening, that a marriage proposal like that is not the kind I want.

Hmmm.  Hops, I don't know. I'm not an expert on how dreams work--but I dont think they unfold in the way that life does.  This seems more like a story that your subconscious wrote.  When the story was written, it already had a beginning, middle, and end.  So, your subconscious was actually telling you how much it had internalized what it now knows about relationships. 

Anyway, that's how I was struck by reading your dream.  Rock on, Hopsy!  I think you're on your way.   

CB

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Bean...yeah, I was admiring his teeth or something. One of those thoughtful reasons to fall in "luuuuv."
CB, thanks. That's a great interpretation of the meaning of my dream, that I've internalized a past danger and spot it for danger much more quickly. I'll take it!

I don't want to overdo the symbolism but I do plan to grow my shiny white hair down to my ample white a**.

 

Hops

[lighter]

I may not BE on your first date but.....

You can count on my honest unedited truth and opinions about the entire spectacle, from beginning to end.



I KNOW things... even if I can't stay focused on them to help myself before I'm in over my head.

But I'm workin on it, lol.

I'll help you work on it too; ) 

[sea storm]

Hops,

I think you are a wonderful example of a woman who is falling in love with herself for the first time and it is beautiful to hear about this journey you are on.

I think these people in the dream are both You.  One is the false self who will make concessions in order to be loved and the other is the emerging woman.
There is no judgement.  Maybe they need to have a little chat. I bet THAT would be an interesting conversation.

Sea storm

[Ami]

WOW  Sea
  This  is a Cheech and Chong moment. What a profound insight you had                  Love  Ami