Old ideas and trusting people

[Ami]

I don't know what to write or how to say it. I am just hurting so badly. Maria( my friend sent from God) was over ,today. It is so painful for me to have a relationship with a women. The closer it gets, the harder it is. I can  say this to her. Also, she thinks that I have good sense ,so more of the time we are discussing her and her issues,which I am glad of. I decided that my N issues are going to stay here b/c  3 D  people don't understand. They want to and try to-- but they can't .. I guess that we are in a small "fraternity"( that  no one would want to  join).
   Anyway, in my head are all these ideas' of worthlessness, "who do you think you are?",and valulessness .They are in my body, too.  I have a  layers of betrayals of  from my mother and father. I was being abused by my H and they sided with him.This hurts so "gut wrenchingly" bad that I can't tell you. It is like being in a horror movie where you think that you  will escape from the monster  and the monster is  there-waiting for you. The hopelessness, the despair that your own parents did not think that you were worth defending when you had no one and had two small babies. I can't explain the pain that is inside me, This was just one of the more recent ones. There are thousands of layers where my mother betrayed me and my father stood there like a potted plant or tried to "make it O.K."
  I just kept trying and trying to get them to love me. The more I tried, the worse she got. I see ,now, that  a bully needs someone to get in heir face --- not to be"needy."   I thought that I could be "needy" with my own mother. Now, I see that "neediness' is a trigger for them. They need a boot on their head,permanently.My H does ,too.However, he is a "saint" next to my mother.
 The other thing that hurts so badly is seeing from the thread,"can they help it?" that she IS a personality disorder. She does not have traits of it-- she is it. This is like seeing the monster in all its horror. I feel like I could scream forever the way that they do in horror movies.
   My only hope is that as I let the layers go, there will be freedom -- underneath. There always has been so far
  I just need to share b/c as I do, I let one more layer go and find that there is a new joy buried within. Thanks for listening                       Love   Ami
 
I wanted to add that my aunt( mothers sister )never called me  back. I expected it,but it still hurts. It feels like another rejection.  She is everything that my mother is not-- sweet, kind, honest,humble,real, and loving. It simply hurts that she does not value me. I am chalking it up to the fact that she does not want to face the 'truth" about her sister. Who would WANT to face  the  truth of an N unless their life depended on it. For many of us-- it does.

[Stormchild]

Ami... I'm sorry about your aunt.

Can you go back to your previous post about contacting her, and take another look at it? You said something there, I think, about her not seeming to want to hear what you were saying about your mother...

I may not be remembering accurately, I'll admit I've been lazy and posted here without going back to look at it myself. But I remember it because it struck me at the time, it really jumped out at me, and I was concerned for you, worried that she might not really be willing or able to give you all the support you need. I didn't want you to build too much on a weak foundation...

I'm bringing this up to let you know that if you saw something just a little 'off' then, perhaps you were right, perhaps you had greater insight at that moment than you realized.

This might help you now to understand that she's not rejecting you, if she's rejecting anything it's the truth of your situation, the truth of what her sister is. Real, humble, loving people don't reject others merely for seeing things that make them uncomfortable, and especially don't reject them for having the courage to speak about what they see.

It's OK to feel and know that your aunt has disappointed you. You need people who can believe you and take you at your word, Ami. It would have been very healing and validating if you could have found such a person in your actual family... hopefully there are a few people like that here for you, at least.

(((((Ami)))))

[bigalspal]

Hi Ami,
I, too, am sorry about your Aunt. As you might have read in my earlier posts, my Aunt (mother's sister) is very loving & supportive of me. But she had to be betrayed by my mother first, to truly understand. Boy when that happened, she understood it from a PERSONAL level.
I think until that happens, family members will not "get it".
I also understand how betrayed you feel by your father. Me too. My bio dad ran off & left me in her evil clutches. My favorite, & longest lasting stepfather, was a weak man. He claimed to love me as his own child, but never defended me.
You are right. The levels of hurt run very deep. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Not even my NMother. She wouldn't feel it anyway. How ironic!
Take care Ami,
Bigalspal

[isittoolate]

This puts me in mind of how we so often have carried someone else's baggage for them, as well as our own. That is a very bad place to be.

(I remember the weight lifted when I left the N over 5 years ago and left all his baggage as well, for him to deal with.)

We all know that if we meet someone with excess baggage, we must tread carefully.

The healthly miinded people, I gather, have a radar for this and will absolutely not want to be involved with a 'needy' person with a trainload of baggage. I expect it is expected we find professional help.

Izzy

[sally]

Ami,

Sorry to hear about your aunt.

I've been rejected by family members, so I know what it's like.  I felt so rejected.  Family can really bite.

Maybe it's too much for her to handle and she doesn't want to get involved.

If she is rejecting,please know her decision to reject has to do with HER, not YOU.

Love,
Sally

[Ami]

Thank you. I really am not that upset about it. It is a lot for her to handle.She knows that there is  something 'wrong" with her sister. I don't think that she wants to know any more than this 'vague" feeling that her sister is "unsentimental"( as she says)Who would want to come out of denial if they could avoid  it?
  I kind of knew that this would happen .
  She has very little (virtually nothing) to do with my mother even though they live 5 minutes apart. She only sees her on rare occasions.
   I have to know that God will send me the people that I need in order to heal. The door closed with her, another opened with Maria.
  In life people have their reasons for this type of decision. I will never really know her reason, so at least I spoke to her and that was healing.               Thanks for all your help      Love   Ami

[sally]

I really am not that upset about it.

That's good to hear.

She knows that there is  something 'wrong" with her sister. I don't think that she wants to know any more than this 'vague" feeling that her sister is "unsentimental"( as she says)

She has very little (virtually nothing) to do with my mother even though they live 5 minutes apart. She only sees her on rare occasions.

Ami, these 2 lines, for me, are like a confirmation that the problem lies with your mom, not you and that your mom's problem is deep seated (seeded?).  To me, this shows that you have suffered from a problem that has long rested w/in your mom, even before you were born

Who would want to come out of denial if they could avoid  it?
Not sure I agree with you here.  You came out of denial and most of us here have done so.  But, we had a catalyst to come out of denial.  Seems your aunt doesn't have the catalyst, maybe she's washed her hands of it

I kind of knew that this would happen .
See, somewhere, deep within you, you knew the truth, you had an inkling this would happen because, I think, your subconscinous knew all along that there was something wrong with your mom and your family was in denial.

I think there's some big insight here.

love,
sally

[Ami]

.
  My aunt called me today. I will call back tomorrow. The really "mature" thing  is that I don't have expectations.  I feel really good about this.I feel like it will go how it is supposed to go.
. God will provide people,but no one person will make or break me.
   I need to keep uncovering the layers of distortions. At some point, I will be healthy.
I feel happy to know that it is within me to heal-- rather than in a "man" or something else.
   The board helps b/c I can share the truths as they arise and people support you. They don't say,"How could you come up with that stupid idea,"or "Who do you think you are?"
   Healing seems to have a pace. I would like to hurry it,but I can;t I have to respect the pace. You went in to denial b/c you would have gone insane if you faced the pain. You come out slowly. Real, genuine ,true healing comes slowly(IMO). I need to take the pace that I need-  and honor that.
  It took me 3 months to face that my mother is a monster-- a living zombie.I could have never faced it without all the love and validation of you.                            Love   Ami
 

 
 
 

[motheroffour]

Oh my goodness!  When you said that neediness triggers these N people, a lightbulb went on for me.  Thank you for knowing that.  How did you come to know it?  Did you read about it somewhere?  I have had similar neediness with my MIL.  My health problems and struggles with my husbands addiction were a huge invitation to her.  I thought it was Christian service until the guilt and shaming messages and the closed emotional doors hit me in the face. Back then, I wanted her love and approval so badly.  Wanted so badly to be seen as a "good" daughter-in-law.  Wanted so badly so friendship.

Your pain is so profound.  I hear it in my own soul.  Why is it that others have such power to determine how we feel about ourselves?  And why is it that getting back to the reality of our own infinite worth is so hard for us to believe?  Why do these parents have such influence?  Sometimes I feel so resilient to lifes curves, but this thing really tanks my ship too.

Much understanding,
motheroffour

[Ami]

WOW Mof 4
 Thanks for saying those kind things. I learned this truth,myself, by uncovering layers of pain-inch by inch. I am still doing it, as you can see. I have only uncovered the top few. However,it is so worth it,
Under the pain is peace and joy.  Vaknins book- Malignant Self Love- brought me out of denial.
 Under the layers of denial is truth. With truth-- there is healing. You will find what you need inside yourself---with the validation and love at this board(IMO)
  We have believed lies about ourselves. We went in to denial b/c we would have gone "insane" if we didn't.It was a protective mechanism
 For me, hating myself  and doubting my reality was part of the distortions I took on to survive with a N mother.Now, with the help of the board, I can let them go and face the truth-- that I am worth loving
Our value is given us from above. We gave it away. I am taking it back,now. I ,and everyone here, will help you.
   The fact that you can ask these honest and deep questions shows that you are "on your way"
                                                                                      Love    Ami