I'm glad you're smiling with happiness, Seastorm. That makes me smile too.
CB..... I've always believed that withholding communication is the most violent thing we can do in a relationship.
With N's... it's taken to another level because it's their drug. It's something they depend on. It doesn't even matter what we're saying, they just want to keep doing what they do and see us jump around like little puppets on a string.
Their behavior and control over us is the string.
I'm pretty sure I'm done bouncing for N's benefit.
The fact that it actually causes him discfomort, like my truth and confrontation never could, is enough to keep diriving me ahead with NC rule.
That's the only thing I have to make him feel pain? That's what I'll do and the grandest side affect may be that he replaces me quickly and leaves me alone for good.
What a world I've found myself in. ::shaking head::
I will say this..... I spoke to him over a week ago and I shouldn't have. I knew I shouldn't have. I did.
I forgive myself. I broke the NC rule and understand more fully WHY I must have it in place. What I did get to say, I wish I could take back. It was honest so he found it cruel but damnit... I got to say my truth and he cried and I play it back in my head sometimes.
I needed to say those things and I did. James, you may need to say some things FOR YOURSELF, to your N. Just don't get the idea they'll hear a word or process it or it will get in and make sense to them.
It won't.
They already have their version of reality and you're just a little puppet jumping about on as string... a prop in their play that stars them as the only REAL PEOPLE.
They won't get it. They won't register the awful things they've done. They don't want to get it and they won't. If you speak to them, SAY THE THINGS THAT YOU MUST GET OFF YOUR CHEST and say them FOR YOURSELF. Just to send them out into the universe.
You're N won't hear it and if they do it's only to turn it around and accuse you of the things they do and cause confusion and doubt where you should have only clarity and resolution for yourself.
It's never ever a satisfying conversation with an N.
I got satisfaction out of speaking my truth but I don't for one second think that my N understood a word I said. It's like he speaks another language, it's like speaking with an emotionally retarted child when I talk about my feelings. He's very bright physically and in business. In personal, he's an idiot and I don't mean that in a mean way. I mean..... really and truly..... he can't do any better and it's not personl.
HE CAN'T DO ANY BETTER bc he's broken and can't be fixed. I get that now. I don't get satisfaction out of driving my head into that brick wall, never did.
Well..... maybe just a little that last conversation because of one point in particular. It's done now. I hope I can stay strong and keep to the (NC) code. ARRRRGH!
