Is this it?

[WRITE]

having a very low day, the realisation that life just doesn't work for me has hit hard today.

Ex looked at me and said I look tired, then 'just don't moan!'

Sister told me 'all men are b*stards' and 'at least you're not starving.

Have I been through all this change- and this is it.

There's nothing at the end, maybe I should just have stayed with ex.

At least I was rich and didn't have to think about my life's emptiness, about loneliness.

All that keeps running through my mind is my mother's laughter, she would be delighted, her high and mighty daughter finds out that it's all just ideals she's been feeding herself.

There is no future, I can't seem to ever make a future.

Nothing ever works out and I am alone, and there's nowhere to go with this any more.

I really tried, for years and years, one thing and then another, I've worked and worked and worked.

'There aren't any prizes' my mother would say.

Where do I go from this?

It's just too painful to find a way through.

I give up, what next?

I can't see a way through any more, I am sorry for all the posting I have done here, I encouraged other people to do all these things I have done, and I am here heartbroken, lonely, miserable more than ever.

I'm a phoney that's for sure.

I really need something to change, I really need G_d to help me, but for the first time- there's nothing. Nothing.

I have never felt so empty and lost as at this moment, I just can't move.

[Ami]

Dear WRITE.
   Remember- these are ONLY feelings. They are not" reality". You mentioned about bipolar. I don't know much about it,but the larger issue is not to get overwhelmed by your current feelings. they will pass.
   I hear your mother's tapes playing in your head. This is the 'single" biggest problem in my life-- listening to these old tapes.
   WHICHEVER decision you made has good and bad points.  I stayed with my H- sometimes I am happy( economics, a person here). Sometimes I am sad( wasted my life with someone like my mother)
   However. When you said about ideals. I disagree. All we have is our integrity(other than God). All we can take with us is out ideals. When you sell these out-- there is no one. I sold mine out at 14 and have been "no one" ever since.
   Remember-- whichever decision you made has good and bad.
  You made the best decision at the time.
   It is normal to wonder and "regret" decisions-- whichever ones you make.
   Your 'feelings are attacking you-- today. They will do that to us. You were triggered. I am triggered by female relationships.
   I was going through this yesterday. My head starts telling me how awful I am when I have a female friend. It is horrible. I get so down that I can barely move.
  However,it is not "real". What is real is that God loves you. He determines your value. He will be with you and you are not alone. That is REAL
   Keep writing                                                              Love    Ami

[Sela]

Hi Write,

Sorry you're feeling so down right now.  Life does just seems like it sucks sometimes eh?

There is no future, I can't seem to ever make a future.

Nothing ever works out and I am alone, and there's nowhere to go with this any more.

One thing that helps me is to quit allowing myself to think in absolutes.  No future, nothing ever, nowhere, I can't ever.....those are words that you are telling yourself but truly....you nor I have no idea what might be around the next corner for you.  Your life could change very soon.

I find if I banish these negative and absolute words from my self talk......and sort of alter my thoughts a little, it helps me to feel better.  Also, I do my best not to use the word:  "can't" because I truly believe just about everything is a choice.  There is no can't for me.  There is won't, don't want to, haven't tried hard enough, have given up, etc but no can't.

So, for instance, I might tell myself to reword the sentences above like this:

 Right now my future doesn't look so great but I won't give up trying.   I can work harder to make the future I want.  It's the only way I'll ever get it.  So far, some things haven't worked out the way I'd like and I am on my own but it may not be like this forever.  I have to socialize more, try new experiences, let my friends know I'd like to date.  That way I have a better chance of meeting a mate.

It might be terribly difficult to rearrange your self talk but honestly....think about it.  Is the way you are thinking helping you?  Do you feel better after you let your thoughts go off in this direction?  If not, then it has to change and only you can change it.

At times like this, it's easy to forget the pain one suffered in the past situation (and the reasons for ending it).   Maybe it would help to make a list of all the nasty things your ex did and all the reasons you did not want to be married to him any more?  I bet you'll be surprised at the length of your list.  Then you could use it....read it over and remind yourself of why you ended it and why you were not happy in that place.  Keep that list, if you decide to make one, for times when you second guess yourself.

Hope this helps Write.  If not, chuck it.

((((((((Write)))))))

Sela

[Stormchild]

Hang on, Write, hang on. This is a downward slope, the road goes up again. Life is good... and you are NOT a phony, you are one of the most open, honest, authentic, real people I've ever been lucky enough to encounter.

Buxtehude.... Dowland.... anybody who will lift your spirits and entrance your ears. Taramasalata and a small glass of Retsina. Tonic water in a hammock under some trees. Go see Ratatouille! at the matinee with all the little kids. Hit a used bookstore. Get a pedicure...

You are priceless, infinitely precious, you are unique, you have brought such courage, and insight, and goodness here,

((((((((((((((((((((Write))))))))))))))))))))

[listen to Charles Ives' Holidays Symphony and sing the hymn. or any of his hymns: http://www.recmusic.org/lieder/i/ives/ ]

[mountainspring]

Write…. this is not it.  Hold on.  It will get better.  The pain will pass.  These feelings will pass Write.  Breathe deeply and feel them.  They will pass.   ((((Write))))

[pennyplant]

Write, it sounds like depression.  It is really, really hard to go through that.  I've been struggling with it myself for weeks now.  Have had a little break today and it feels good.  It feels so familiar to have depression now.  It feels like an object that lands on me now.  Not of me, but attached to me.  I hate it.  And I know it will be back.  But today I can relax from it.

Your words, compared to how you usually sound on here, sound depressed rather than like something external has happened that is any different from before.

Ex was not good for you.  It wouldn't be better to have stayed.  Try not to believe that the depression is the truth.  The truth is something else.  The truth is to be discovered.  Just wait for the release or the opening in the depression that is sure to come along soon.

Pennyplant

[teartracks]

WRITE,

You are an incredibly decent person!  I keep reminding myself that I must get a plan like WRITE's.   You inspire me in all you write here.  

Remember all the times you've stood beside us?  Now it's our turn to stand with you.  The crummy feelings will pass.  I promise.  

Sending my best and hugs to boot.

Love,

tt

[Stormchild]

Hey Write: what everyone is saying here is:
We Love You.

[lighter]

Eh.... Write:

You're absolutely the Devil's advocate with this post. 

I go in and out of frightening "what if's" about how sorry I might find myself for leaving N. 

I really am afraid I'll be sorry (read that as "he'll make me sorry) I ever started this battle.

I'm afraid he'll have me killed.

I'm afraid he'll be a dead beat dad (or worse)

I'm afraid I'll be poor and in debt where I was once rich, though he hounded me about money so that I got hives every month when the bills came. 

It just wasn't worth it. 

I can't cave in to threats and that's just me.

I think that's you too.

Also..... if we leave the N's in place, there's no room for anything better.

OK, you say there ISN'T ANYTHING better?

That may be the case. 

I'm certainly willing to consider I may never find a life's mate. 

Maybe nice people aren't put on this earth to be anything more than beach donkey's (who came up with that?) for N's and bossy a-holes.

::shrug::

I'm perfectly willing to accept that fact if it turns out to be true.

On the other hand, and there's always another hand with me.......

would you have had me stay with my abusive N?

Would you have wanted me to back your decision to go back to your N?

DO YOU want that?

Personally, I'm much happier on my own than with someone who makes me feel subjugated, foolish and bought.  Objectified. 

I just can't do it.

I'd rather go through the loss and rebuilding phase of healing.  It's "OH MY GOD THIS IS HARD I'M SUFFERING" difficult.  It is.  No way around it.  That's where you are right now, IMO.   

I wasn't always OK on my own. 

God knows it's not always easy but damn if it's not preferable to the N. 

It is, IMO. 

As of now, going in and out of being OK is part of healing. 

I understand that and it helps me when the dark times land on my head.

I'm sorry your dealing with dark times today.

Just believe that they'll come and go

then go more frequently than they come

then they'll stop showing up and you'll be surprised you don't even think about them much any more.

Then again, I could just be full of shit and have a cold slap of reality headed my way.  ::shrug::

Right now, I'm having an OK/up time of it today. 

That's not always the case and you help me feel better when I'm in the void. 

It comes and it goes. 

I hope you feel better soon ((Write))  If anyone deserves it, you do.

[Sela]

Another thing Write.......

You came here and talked about what is hurting you and how you feel.  That takes courage and wisdom. 
Good for you!  I admire you for that!

Please talk some more, if it helps.  Are you on any meds?  (if you feel like saying)

Sela

[changing]

Write-

Your post reminds me of the reflections of King Solomon, the wisest and richest person of his time, heart-broken and reflecting, "Vanity, alll is vanity!". The incredible fatigue that sets in after a contest such as yours, is real, and your aches and weariness need tending. You and your "Write-ing" are treasured and have accomplished a great deal. I hope that you receive the peace and rest that you need and deserve. We are on your side.

Hugs,

Changing

[WRITE]

you are all so kind to me.

Today was scary, the worst day I ever had. That's saying something!

It was kind of like being psychotic but having complete insight into it, I felt such despair and no faith.

It has hit me this week:
I probably can't have another baby; I always wanted another child and I don't think it's going to happen now, i need to put that dream away;

I can't continue to work this hard, so financially I am going to struggle; I live month to month and still haven't put away my tax for next year;

managing my illness probably means no relationships.
I just can't cope with the emotional turmoil they make, and stay stable.
That was something I really really wanted, to have an affectionate romantic sexual relationship.
I don't think I can.
I have hoped and hoped, but it's not possible to let anyone close enough or fair for anyone to cope with this illness and the demands it makes.
I love this church guy man, but I can feel my illness coming on the closer he gets, I just can't risk it.

This is the first time I have lost hope and couldn't find anything to hang on to, to look forward to, I feel like everything I had told myself to get through I can't rely on now, I guess I will have to come up with more plans, and especially health plans and financial plans.

Thank you so much for all the positive comments and suggestions, I am weary.

The church thing was the last straw, but i am determined this is not my crusade.
I could have really done with it as a place of support, but I saw the new pastor and he gave me a filthy look this week.
He ignored my email and I am already hearign reports about his sexist behaviour.
Tomorrow is my last day there. He won't be there, thank G_d!

I've never felt like this before Bean, calm and defeated....

I did continue with self-care though you'll all be pleased to hear, I went to the Lutheran Church and sang in the candelight service, then for a cute cake and hot tea at a bistro; then I went to swim. I talked to a couple of friends but to be honest, people don't like it when i am down.

Most people know me as positive and it scares them if I am not; they have seen me cope and cope, and think it means they won't cope if I can't!

Course most people don't have to live with this illness, it really is hard sometimes, trying to keep everything afloat.

This week I almost sank, I worked too hard and yesterday being caught in rain and floodwater for 2 hours just tipped me over I guess.

A nice thing happened at work. A colleague told me one of the patients I talk to told her she just loves me and I have made a difference in her life. This si someone who is immobile, totaly helpless, and I have really worked hard to convince her that she is still useful and to keep her spirits up. Everyone was overwhelmed because it seemed so hopeless and painful, it was like no one knew what to say to her, now they joke and talk and have lots of rituals to keep her busy. This wasn't just me, but i do remember being the one who went in her room and realised that she was lost there, and excluded, and deciding to do something about it.
That was when that horrible nurse was mean to me, I wrote about it last year and the year before. She was asked to leave btw when everyone had enough of similar outbursts!
I am so glad i persevered, and I feel slightly ashamed to have such hopeless feelings, when she copes with much worse than me.
She prays for me every day. A lot of people do, I do for them too.
Work is very important to me, I will be upset if I have to give it up especially if it's for stupid stupid money.

Guess I need a new plan. One which takes account of my own special circumstances and includes contingencies for if i get sick.

I'll work on that next....

Thanks for saying you love me, I love you too.

I've never felt more like being held and rocked and have someone say, it will be okay.
But there isn't anyone to do that, so i'll go have a cup of tea and read my book and pretend I am a grown-up and can rationalise all the broken-heartedness which spilled out today....

[Hopalong]

Write.

You are not alone.

I am so sorry, but I do have faith that your strength is not only mania (as I know your downs are human complexity, too, not just depression).

I am arms around, knowing that your core strength will be visible again, and soon.

with much love,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Write,
   This is just one school of thought,but I thought that I would add it. Reject it,if it is not for you. I wrote about this awhile back. The name bipolar is  just a name and a set of behavoirs---- exaggerated ups and downs. Chines medicine would simply say that you are 'out pf balance" When you get in balance-----you will nat have this 'label"
  IMO----- all mental illness can be "cured" by finding your 'core". I think that sometimes the 'label' is scarier than the actual"symptoms.
  If you are interested in this line of thought PM   me                               Love     Ami

[Overcomer]

Write-I FEEL FOR YOU!  It is hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel when there is none!  But the truth is the tunnel is curvey and this is a bend in the road.  You will round the curve and see that light.  I remember feeling the same way and it is NOT fun.  I remember wanting my mom to pay for me feeling so bad!  She is the one who should feel so bad!  This too shall pass.