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Hubby's N Mother Resurfaces (father too)

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Lizbeth:
Sorry, that was me, Lizbeth.

Tokyojim:
Lizbeth,

Your story is fantastic!  It should be an encouragement and inspiration to those wanting to avoid those toxic relationships.  One has to really cut off those poisonous ties.  Fortunately, he has you to help him.  It is very hard because a small vestige of hope probably remains, and one wants to see the humanity in the worst of one's relatives.

Interesting about the money situation, and so true.  When those kinds of people are not paying and any demands are made to make just a partial return of the promise, they will say that you are money-mad, greedy, insensitive to their plight, not caring, etc.  I assume you are ignoring the nonsense.....

Lizbeth:
Hi Tokyojim:

My father-in-law borrowed money from his son when my boys were little and we did not have the money to lend.  We were barely making it ourselves.  He asked his son (whom he had just recently re-established a relationship with after having spent most of my husband’s childhood and young adulthood out of the picture) for $250 to pay for his insurance for his car. Mind you, this man never paid a cent of child support for my husband’s care when he was growing up.  I told my husband not to lend it as we did not have it but his father promised to pay it back “the next day”.  The next day came and went and hubby would call his father and did not have the nerve to come out and ask for it so they would talk forever (long distance at that time was expensive as well).  This went on for several days.  Eventually he did ask, and his father said he didn’t have it.  His promise to repay immediately was all a big lie, apparently.  (At one time, this man neglected to pay for his house for so long the bank foreclosed and he did not tell his wife about it until the day before they had to move to a rental home!)

To make a long story short, I was furious and hubby promised never again to give money away we did not have to lose.  His father did not call us for years and years (a very long time), and we plugged along.  We put hubby through 4 associate degrees, a bachelor’s degree, his CPA certification and his MBA (which we are still paying for).  He got a job as a forensic auditor with the ATF, we renovated our old house and opened out own little business on the second floor.  We finally started doing well.  

Lo and behold, several years ago we start getting calls from his father, after news of our hard-earned success was passed around by other family members.  He wanted to come visit.   I told hubby I did not want that man in my house until I got an explanation or an apology or the money back.  Hubby didn’t know what to do so I told him I just would not be home that day, he could still visit with his father if he wished.  Three times he was supposed to come, 3 times he did not show up.  His half-sister finally asked us this past Christmas time what was up between hubby and father, and hubby told her.  Afterward she must have talked to his father, because he called the same day, still nothing about the money, etc.  Still promising to come for visit and never calling back or showing up.  That was the last straw, even for hubby.  When he got the call on his birthday on his cell-phone from his father busting his chops about not reconciling with his N mother, hinting about not having his taxes done, we were wise to what was going on and sent the birthday package back to his mother the next day.  I’m sure the note inside will be relayed to the father, as they both live in the same small town, and even though they have been divorced for many years, they still speak at times.

I told hubby a few years ago that the $250 was a small price to pay to keep his father out of our lives as he obviously will never do the adult thing and apologize for using us in the past.  Using guilt about hubby’s mother is a disgusting thing to do as well.  These people will never change.  They are and will always be users.  We do not want or need them in our lives.  

Thanks for your reply and encouragement!

Lizbeth

Lizbeth:
I have to say one more thing.  It does help our situation that we are a state away (100 miles) and that neither of my hubby's parents have a pot to p*s* in.  They can't do what other parents and relatives have done to many of us, use resources to force their way back into our lives, despite our right to live without their toxic influence and damage.  There is nothing that either of these people can do except lightly annoy us at this point.    I know it is much more difficult when relatives have money and influence they can use against you.  We don't have to get lawyers or restraining orders to deal with these people because they have no assets and they are not physically violent (thank God, though his mother has been in the past, but thankfully never towards us).  Stories about his mother and how she treated her son (and me) would take days to tell.  That's for another day or two.  :-P

Lizbeth

Tokyojim:
Yes, $250 is a small price to pay.  It is not worth it!

I hope that you will continue to stay strong together.  There will certainly be times that your husband will weaken and have doubts.  Keep him strong, because their craziness will continue and continue.  They will hit you with anything they can - guilt, reason, anger - anything and everything.  Every day that you can ignore them you will be a bit stronger, and it will be easier to do it the next time.

This is just personal, but one way I cope with toxic people is by telling myself how "stupid" I am for spending time thinking about them.  The weather is now beautiful, there are things to see, children to enjoy, money to make, good books to read, plans to be made....  The vampires are a waste of time and energy

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