inherently flawed

[elculbr]

I just want someone who can relate to this. Today I have been trying to understand the feeling I have about this:

Do you know what it is like to have a parent tell you and imply and drop hints that you are inherently flawed? DO you know that kind of pain where you are made to believe that there is something grotesque and innately flawed, and disgusting and evil about you from a very young age. I just wish that I wasn't alone in this aspect.

[dandylife]

elculbr,
"What is the matter with you!"

"What's wrong with you?"

"You are SO stupid!"

We've all heard these things. For some of us they got so drilled in we started to believe them. I can't stand hearing the word stupid. I don't use it and I asked my family to please not use it, banish it from our vocab because it is so triggering for me and there usually is not a valid place for it in conversations.

My marriage therapist talked about this. Here is how described it:

People frequently fight about issues. The healthy people keep the issue in a "bubble" which they bounce back and forth between them until the issue is solved. They talk about the issue.

Unhealthy people resort to the above comments and make the issue about the person - that they are flawed if they don't see things their way.

I hate that parents, authoritarians can batter their children/underlings/employees in this way. We need to step up and point out the flaws in this relating.

Dandylife

[Stormchild]

Hello el

Yeah... I got this one from my mother, but I also got it from an abusive therapist when I decided to terminate therapy with her.

I now have a nice non-abusive therapist, so don't be put off by that.

Abusers like to try to sell us this one. To make us believe that they have to abuse us because we deserve it.

You didn't deserve it and you don't. You never did. The grotesqueness, the innate flaws, the disgusting evil... all of that was in your abuser, not in you. Never in you.

[Ami]

Dear El,
   The answer is YES, YES, YES.
   The N parent(or psycho parent) must get you to "lose yourself". It is a first step in" sucking out your insides". When you are a sniveling ball of self doubt, they can abuse you. How could they abuse a person who valued themselves?
   The abuser deliberately breaks you down like a cult would.I think that most people here could relate.
   You are NOT,NOT ,NOT alone ,El.
    Even in domestic abuse, the abuser wears down your esteem so he can then abuse you    Keep asking these kind of questions. Keep reaching out. I will always be here for you. Many other people will too.
   I can tell you that I am slowly getting my core back,by doing exactly what you are doing--- reaching out . You will heal-step by step if you keep facing the truth. You shall know the truth and the truth will make you free.                                                                                             Love     Ami

[finding peace]

Yes I know what it is like.  You are not alone.  The pain is devastating, but it is not destroying.  After what they have tried to take, I will never give them that.

[mountainspring]

Hi elculbr….  I’ve been there too.   I remember when my sister and I were young sitting on the steps listening to my mother talk to a deacon about how she couldn’t understand what was wrong with her girls, they just weren’t right.  And another time she told her relatives I didn’t act right as a teenager because she had placenta previa when I was born.  She was always going on and on about my weight, telling her relatives that I didn’t eat, at the time I was 5’4 and weighed 125, normal weight for that height.  And just this last trip she said at dinner with my aunt that I don’t eat, despite my weight now of 150 pounds.  And she said that now that Dad had to be in the hospital while I was visiting that I would believe how sick he is.  And I told her I knew he was sick, but that when he says he’s feeling okay I choose to believe him rather than reminding him that’s sick.  She will always think I’m flawed in some way.  (((elculbr)))  It’s a game they play.

[Hopalong]

El, honey.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((El))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry.
That must hurt so badly.

Dammit.
You cry, hon.

You ARE going to make it, but it's such hard work.

Don't ever stop believing there is a whole, happy inherent self within you. You might not be able to see her or even hear her sometimes, but she is THERE. She is growing. And she is saying to you thank you, thank you for doing this hard work to free me. Thank you! I am going to grow stronger and stronger and I promise you, it will be worth the blood and sweat and tears!

When you can embrace her easily, daily, always...and no cruel word or blow from your past will be between you. There will be too much love and life ... those words and blows will recede into the distance. You will see their outline, and always recognize their shape, but you will be so involved in a rich and rewarding and meaningful life full of color and learning and purpose and good use that you won't have the time or interest to stare back at those shadows.

You came out of those shadows. You know the reality of darkness, but you are walking right into the reality of light.

Hops

[bigalspal]

Hi Excullbr,
Yes, I DO you how it feels for a parent to make you feel "flawed" & unworthy.
I think most on this board can relate. We wouldn't be if if we hadn't.
What I've learned is, that is a lie!
It's our N's fault that we believe that way!
But, you know what? If you hang around this board long enough, you find out we've learned that that' it's the N's fault& that while they try to make us feel inadequate, they are the sick ones!
DO NOT BELIEVE IT!
We will listen to your problems, support you as best we can & lead you to healing.
So continue to post & let it all out!
We care out you!
Bigalspal

[axa]

El

I feel it in my heart.  My Nmother used to call me an ugly b%%ch........... for over 40 years I could not look in the mirror and as I could not bear to see how ugly I was.  I look back on old photographs now and see that I was such a pretty girl and grieve for that lovely girl who was so shamed she could not look at herself

axa

[Ami]

They are such monsters, Axa.    (((((((((((((((((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))))))))      Love  Ami

[teartracks]

el,

  Hi sweet girl!

Yes.  From the cradle.  Perhaps from the womb, I was told I was all flawed.  When the full realization of the lie I'd been told hit me, I thought that I was so badly broken that even God couldn't 'fix' me.  But you know what, I put my toe in,  testing the water of recovery and decided it was possible, indeed necessary to go on with the process.  It worked.  I knew I couldn't undo the past, but I absolutely could and would do the future according to a new Standard, not the one that had been imposed on me when I was a helpless child and one that followed me into adulthood.

You're not looking for perfection, you're looking for AGENCY as described by Dr. G in a couple of his essays. 

tt

[lighter]

El..... how are things going in therapy?  I know you aren't going often but you do go, right?

Have you checked into groups in your area?  I don't know what groups are available but you can ask your therapist and call that number I gave you to get some ideas. 

A group of women with similar childhoods may be a wonderful place for you to get through some of this pain?  Many here can identify but a real life group works better for some. 

Not sure but I'm still so proud of you and look forward to hearing from you here.

[elculbr]

I want to find a group in the city. I haven't been to therapy and the stupid psychiatrists haven't even checked my file yet.
I told two close family friends the true about the family abuse. They are close to my mother and are shocked.

[lighter]

Did you call that number I gave you or ask for referrals from the docs you have seen?  There have to be groups in your area, there are groups here for everything. 

How is the new job going?  You were feeling a bit down a while back. 

I really think a group would be a good thing for you.  I'll do some checking and see what I come up with. 

Hang in there, ((((El)))))

[Ami]

Dear Nursie,
    You made me cry. It was so poignant.   I wish I could give you a big,big hug and a cup of tea.
    I was thinking when I read it,"How much pain can a person take before they break?."
   I guess you broke,like I did( and am)
  Nursie, that was not a ramble at all. When I read you post, I see where I want to go. I want to be able to love without fear. I want to be able to reach out my heart and not hold back b/c of fear of rejection.
  My 'plan" is to go through all this 'mourning" and "facing" and then be "purified 'from N shame  and guilt,so that I can reach out-  in real life.
  Nursie, I give you as much love as I can send---               Love   Ami
 
P.S. Once about a year ago , I had spent the day with Maria, God's love shines out of Maria. She is very real and "human"( very funny and cool):but she has God very strongly in her. That night,my H brought a guy from work to our house. Somehow, I got in a space where inside me love was just flowing from 'God" through me. I was a "vessel". The guy would not leave the house. He kept commenting on the love in the family(lol).
  Anyway, I was just a vessel of God's love that night. I was at total peace  with no fear. It was wonderful. I know that at some point,I can live like that. I am emptying out the pain from all the years of living with an N mother. My 'plan" is that I will    then have "space" for God
Sorry,if I hijacked the thread. I needed to hear myself say that-- I think                 Love  Ami