Fear

[Ami]

Somehow, I heard you ,Lighter.I realized that my mother is a cancer. Somehow, she seems "gone". It is like the cancer was surgically removed and there it is next to me(but not in me). It is disgusting and,black, I see it in a "basin" next to me. It is finally gone and I am cancer free..
   Now, she isn't in me anymore-- but I am left with the consequences of her. The worst one is a fear that is hanging so close to my body. It feels like a humidity that drenches you.
   I have been feeling dizzy and woozy for a few weeks. I find myself just holding my breath.These last few days, anything that I eat gives me a stomach ache.
   Now, she is gone. I feel so alone and so afraid. I have been living in this fantasy, magical thinking world.In it, she was taking care of me and so close that I could touch her. Now, it "dissappeared" and I am left with  allthe results of all her mistreatment.( how I feel inside about myself and life)
   I am simply just hurting so,very badly.
   I am starting to see "real' life,too.I am seeing myself more clearly( good and bad) and seeing others. I see that my H will be"good" if I have a boot on his head( or he knows that I can put it there when I need to). Maybe, this is real life? I don't know.I don't plan to get divorced, so I have to face what is. He has good qualities ,also. Maybe all marriages are like this(to some degree). I really
don't know.
   Caroline Myss, a medical intuitive, talks about owning your own power. You can't be well(emotionally and physically) without having your own power.. If your power is given to other people you will be "sick" in some way.(IHO)
   I have to take back myself. I have to own my power and build my core.
   I kind of feel like I am in shock ,now. I have been:birthing "this for a few weeks..I just hurt in body and mind.I feel that a huge weight is on my chest. I ca';t eat anything. I feel dizzy.  Somehow,it is like she got "surgically "removed. i don't know how. Maybe,it was God's grace and your wisdom. . If anyone has been here before, that would be really helpful. Any  responses would be greatly appreciated                     Love  Ami
   

[lighter]

It's not the same thing but.... when I was coming to terms with and figuring out what my circumstances were with my NH.... I couldn't eat either.  I couldn't breath.  I was sick and couldn't sleep. 

I guess this is shock and terror and fear.

The good thing is.... it passes.

You're going to come through this and move into less fear, less terror and more trust in yourself as you survive every new day.

This pain won't kill you, Ami.

I think on some level we're not so sure about that. 

Also, the shock of these new revelations get more familiar.  We gain new coping strategies and things get better.  You eventually accept what's happened and replace replace replace. 

I think that's the key. 
To recognize,
accept,
let go of the hope,
mourn our losses
then replace replace replace. 

We stop trying to understand WHY this happened to us and focus on how to make better decisions....... make better lives. 

Staying stuck, not that you are, can hurt us.  You need to feel everything and be sad and angry and everything inside that needs to come out.... needs to come out.  Make no mistake about that.  You're doing that work and I'm so rooting for you. 

Cry and wail like a wounded animal, Ami.  You surely deserve that and you may find some of your physical pain and breath holding goes away once you've done some of that. 

This board offers immediate validation and understanding for those dealing with N's and sociopaths.  What a blessing to have this. 

[Hopalong]

Thank god.
Ami, you are a brave person.
You let her go.

I have a thought.
I think what is so terrifying is feeling empty, because you don't know who you are right now.
If you are not her victim in the present (and you aren't, she is gone)...what's there?

The answer is you're NOT empty. Think of a little hole that's been poked into beautiful rich loamy dark nutrient loaded garden soil. It looks so empty. The sides of the hole seem so fluffy, insubstantial. You have to hold them back with your hand to keep the hole from collapsing in on itself. How can that empty space have any meaning?

Look closer. In the hole, blending in, is a tiny seed.

You let go of the earth you've been holding back. You brush it over the hole, let it gently cover that tiny seed.
You water it. That's all. You just water it a little every day.

You know the rest of the story. It's about life. Your life.

The "water" for you, Ami, will be what you say to yourself. What you tell yourself.

I had another thought:
how about spending 30 minutes every day with headphones, sitting still and comfortable, listening to nonverbal music that lifts your spirit. One piece I would use that way is Vaughan Williams' The Lark Ascending.

Whatever the piece is for you, maybe you could listen to it once a day, until it becomes part of you. Just make sure it is nonverbal, spiritual (to you) and very very very very very beautiful. Not tragic. Just lovely.

love
Hops

[lighter]

Oh Hops... I loved your post.  Calming and nurturing, lol. 

It reminds me of the book, ADDICTION AND GRACE.  Was that the name?  Was it Bradshaw's book? The whole idea is that to be human is to be addicted and to be addicted means we stand in the need of grace.  Something like that. 

We all have a hole inside and we fill it with different things. 

Some fill it with drugs or riligioun or relationships or daily abolutions or work..... children. 

That hole needs to be filled with self care and validating ourselves..... taking care of our own needs is the most loving thing we can do for our loved ones. 

Lord..... I feel like I'm clinging to the computer today for my life, lol. 

I'm not functioning very well.... not dealing with upcoming sib visit but sidestepping realization of it. 

Kinda paralyzed and I think I'm sick in a pscyho sematic way over it.... I suspect anyway.  I'm procrastinating on EVERYTHING and I just hate that. 

[Hopalong]

Hi Lighter,
Sib visit?

Hmmm.

I wonder what would happen if you didn't do anything to get ready except decide to be happy.

Hops

[Ami]

[ think what is so terrifying is feeling empty, because you don't know who you are right now.
If you are not her victim in the present (and you aren't, she is gone)...what's there?




This is it-(above)-                                                                                                                             -Hops.I already thought of a beautiful moment that I had today which can be the first thing I fill it with.
   Someone on the board said to me how  my posts were a comfort to others even though I was  suffering,myself. That went in to my gut and warmed  it. One thing that i can do to fill the emptiness is to try to give love..

Thank you-Lighter-- God must have spoken through you                                    Love    Ami

[lighter]

Hi Lighter,
Sib visit?

Hmmm.

I wonder what would happen if you didn't do anything to get ready except decide to be happy.

Hops

I'm considering a planned midnight moon dance under the stars, lol.  I find myself singing a children's song.. .Moon Moon Moon Moon, shining shining.....  it's me trying to be happy.

I can't DO anything to prepare for the visit past sleeping through the maid this morning. 

It's bad.  Real bad.

My other sib has problems in the family that affect me in 4 directions.  Very disturbing and puts lots of pressure on me in ways I don't do well with.   I'm cryptic for a reason here.  Sorry if I'm not making much sense but must be this way.

This visit will last 4 weeks!  I can't sidestep all the issues that long, lol!  Darnit!

It's just got me down and I can't see my way clear and I have so many problems of my own without having to deal with stupid made up crap other people manufacture for reasons of their own.

Ahhhh... you can see how I'm going to handle this and going beserko never makes me feel better.  I always mourn that I've done that but I don't have any illusions about being able to rise above and take the high road. 

N's and borderline personality disordered people keep whacking away at you till you're like an exposed nerve, from head to toe and you react without thinking..... eventually..... to their insane craziness.  Because it's unfair and irrational and in your face and you resent it and that makes you angry and you hold it back until BOOM! 

And then the words are in the air and there's no taking them back. 

I honestly do think these people are emotionally disturbed. 

My N. 

My BPD sib. 

Losing my patience with them doesn't help them be better parents and OH CRAP!  What is my obligation to save their children from them? 

What is my duty and what are my rights and their rights and it's just so guilt inducing and impossible to figure out from where I sit right now. 

You won't believe this but..... the sib that's coming has designated a professional CLOWN person in her will to take her child if she and my BIL pass away together.  This CLOWN person has barely been able to support herself, is so dysfunctional she's never really dated and has a very dysfunctional background complete with Menonite upbringing with sexual abuse and virtually NC with her FOO. 

She doesn't get along with anyone but my sib and niece.  WHY WOULD SHE BE DESIGNATED guardian?  My BIL doesn't even like her! 

It was bad enough when she was chosen as Godmother and I was asked to stay at home for the ceremony and set up for the party!  Did I complain?  Nope, I went and borrowed coolers from the neighbors to set up a terrific ice cream bar and I said it was ok to choose the clown to be GOD MOTHER bc she had NOTHING else in her life to live for.  Whatever makes my sib feel that this person would be a wise choice to parent? 

I'm the only person sib and BIL agree on to parent their child if they died together.  Yet, they'll end up writing separate wills designating different people (the other one HATES) and the courts will decide.  INSANITY!

And my niece will be raised in another country by a clown, doubtful, or by a family with 3 children my sister absolutely hates.  OMG RANT ALERT!  ::sigh::

Can I switch here and feel better?  Live in the moment? 

I think not with the pressure of this visit.

Sib's been torturing her husband over this guardian decision and he talks to me about it.  She's is outaherfu**in mind! 

And then she hasn't heard about the fun I'm having with my other sib. 

When she does..... she'll want to jump in and start demanding that everyone do THIS and THAT bc she KNOWS BEST and we should JUST DO IT or we're selfish and have NO EMPATHY for anyone and she's the ONLY ONE WITH ANY EMPATHY and we're too stupid to understand so she can't be bothered to try and explain whatever it is she thinks she knows.  Egads!

::TRYING TO THROW SWITCH TRYING TO THROW SWITCH!::

::sigh::  What advice would I give to someone in this situation..... ::trying to rise above::

I can't let her affect me so badly.  I need to take a shower and feel better, not let her words in.  I need to enjoy my new house with her and bond with my niece.  I need to squirt more saline and grapefruit extract in my nose and see what else is in the cabinet.  I need to go to the grocery store and enjoy shopping for nummies with care. 

I think I'll enjoy a good sob in the shower,  feel really really sorry for myself then get busy.  Sound like plan?  Sounds like a plan; )

[Ami]

Dear Lighter,
    I am so sorry that you are hurting. It sounds like it will be a really stressful visit-. You got a bunch of "characters" there..    I am  sobbing ,also                                                                     Love  Ami




((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))0

[lighter]

::Sigh:: No shame in sobbing, Ami.  Gotta be done to purge it out and shake it off.

I have to figure out what I want sib to hear.  Not that anything gets through.... ever. 

Have to come up with some way to say...."we can't talk about anything real or important so.... can you just stfu and stick to fluff and stuff?"

Heh... guess I highjacked your thread, lol. 

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry, Lighter.

Dread sucks.

I wonder if it's because you're afraid it's the Old Lighter they'll find when they arrive.

Not the new one, with her beautiful functioning shields on who's so Zenlike that she just has an inner lovely melody going on in her mind, so beautiful and sound and rippling that when Sib goes blah blah blah blah Lighter just goes yes, no, uh-huh, and keeps talking about the present.

Something in the present.

Not memories.
Not plans.
Not memories.
Not plans.

?
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Lighter,
    I think it is very hard to be"superficial' when glaring"realness" is staring you in the face.
  I really hate being in these situations,It is like there is a scream in your mouth----Please ---- there is the "elephant(whatever it is) in the room and no one is talking about it. You hurt and are changing.
Probably part of you longs for connections. These are your  relatives. It is probably natural to want to feel"bonded". However, when you express"neediness", you probably get eaten.
   I don't know if I am helping to clarify what you are feeling. It just seemed right.
   I want to say   THANK YOU for all your help                      Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

I hear you, Ami.
You can be needy.

You just can't need them.

It's not fair.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Oh hops, lol..... I love reading your posts, lol.

The old lighter called my sib a "crazy f'n bitch" last Christmas, lol. 

the new lighter.... eh..... she just doesn't have the wherewithall to deal with any stresses that don't involve survival at this time. 

Crazy ass Borderline Personality Disordered sibs?  Just don't have room for them right now, lol. 

She usually huffs away to someone elses house when someone puts her in her place.  One Christmas she huffed her way through 3 relatives homes, lol.  It's really not funny and she's in distress all the time and KNOWS she's not wanted, which is distressing for me in itself, bc I want her to be OK.  I just don't want to sacrafice myself for it anymore. 

That leads to being glad my BIL is the sacraficial lamb, then feeling guilt over that: / 

Where is Zen in all this?  Sitting back and being grateful for the chance to see people act crazy?  Sitting back and being glad I have the chance to experience life when she's gone?  Sitting back and feeling glad I'm not her and going on with my good plans? 

I still worry about my BIL and I still worry about my niece and that my sib will kill herself or join a cult or the circus, lol.  REALLY.... not kidding here. 

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry, Lighter.
You do love them, but you can't fix it.
It's terribly hard to be compassionate but detached at the same time.
And it can be misunderstood because our culture confuses love with drama.

I think maybe it's your only way through, though.
Maybe the most important thing you can do is to quietly make it clear to your niece that you are a safe place for her. When she's older, 18, she may remember this and come to you when she makes her break. Or if it's necessary even before then.

Hops