Something else I need to get off my chest.

[bigalspal]

Hi friends,
I was just thinking about how I used to run from man to man crying out for love & I think this is WHY it happened. I feel compelled to tell any new friends on the board that I've been very happily married almost 15 years (this Dec) to a great guy!
First, my bio dad abandoned me at 9 months. My Nmother totally turned me over to a 19 yr old man when I was 13.
He lived next door. My Nmother worked nights & I had alot of unsupervised time on my hands from age 9 or 10 on. I was not supposed to have anyone in the house while she was working, but we all know how that didn't work.
Anyway, when she found out, she accepted that this was OK & turned me over to him.
He bought all my school clothes, gave me my lunch money, told me what books to read & what music to listen to. EVERYTHING! He taught me to drive, bought me a horse, ect.
He had a very good job for his age & spent lots of money on me. He eventually got his own place & I pretty much could come & go as I pleased AS LONG AS I WAS THERE TO TAKE CARE OF MY BABY BROTHERS! (I took them everywhere with us)      This went on until I was 16 & broke up with him.
Then my next boyfriend took over. He took care of everything (including lunch money) until I left home. If I needed money, she told me to ask ------.
Both guys were really good to me. As good as they could be, I guess.
They were my DADDIES. Except for the SEX part.
So, from then on, I searched & searched for a man to fill their shoes. Never finding one until I met my now husband. He's NOTHING like them, but he IS a great guy.
He would NEVER let our daughters go out with that old of a man!
He always threatened to build a moat around our house to keep the boys away! 
Isn't this the weirdest thing you've ever heard of? It was like I was Lolita to these older guys. I know I was very lucky. At least they were good guys. I know I was searching for my real bio dad.
What do you think? Anyone have any experiences like this?
Thanks,
Bigalspal

[Ami]

WOW, Friend.
Was the guy next door to you molesting you or genuinely 'babysitting for you. Forgive me if I am being "dense",but I can't answer without this essential information                                     Hugs   Ami

[bigalspal]

Hi Ami,
I think it was molestation! They didn't have a contract with NMother to babysit me, they were accepted as my "boyfriends". I've always wondered why my other family members didn't say something. They liked both of them, too. Just accepted the situation. I guess (well I know) they were scared of confronting NMother.
I was waaay too young to handle a situation like that.
Love,
Bigalspal

[lighter]

hey bigalspal....


Tell me what attracted you to your husband and what worked out about that and what didn't, if you don't mind.

How do you think you ended up choosing a nice guy?

What do you feel about being left with that boy from age 13?  How did you feel about it at the time?

Lots of questions, but curiouse about how you feel in the matter.  

[bigalspal]

Hi Lighter,
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. We have a storm in the area & my service is going in and out.
Well, I'll try & answer your questions as best I can.
1. I was attracted to my husband because he was so able & willing to communicate with me as far as feelings go. He wanted to PROTECT me! Not in the way that a daddy would (well maybe a little)
But I knew no one would EVER hurt me again. He believes I'm the smartest person he knows.
Remember that article that was posted on here about the "Impostor Syndrome"?
He has been telling me for YEARS that I suffer from it. Anytime I would be scared to attempt something new & difficult, he would say that it didn't add up. That I should look back on all of my accomplishments & realize I could do anything I put my mind to. He appreciates me warts & all. No strings attached. He has an amazing sense of humor. The list goes on.( It doesn't hurt that he has beautiful blue eyes & good in bed) And he's such a hard worker.
2. What hasn't worked out? Nothing so far. Although I must say he was very jealous there for awhile. His first wife cheated on him & it's a small town & he was the LAST to know. But, he has long since gotten a handle on that.
3. How did I end up choosing a nice guy? Man, I wish I knew! I think God was responsible for that. He knew I couldn't take anymore pain.
4. How did I feel about being left with that guy at that age? At the time I thought it was saving grace. KWIM? Finally some positive attention! Now, I'm FURIOUS! That was so inappropriate! She had to have known that I was having sex at that age. Plus, I was supposed to be her precious child. SHE was supposed to raise & protect me! So, I feel that was so wrong.
Oh, BTW, I took up smoking & experimenting with drugs, too. She didn't care that I smoked. Only thing she said was not to do it in the house & that SHE wasn't going to buy them!
Thanks for asking these questions Lighter. It helps to think them through.
Free therapy! 
Love,
Bigalspal

[lighter]

All I can say bigalspal.....

all I can say is.....


My hands are extended palms up... my jaw is working and nothing comes out......


How did this happen FOR you?  How did you find a nice human being that doesn't think taking you apart piece by piece is what love is all about?

I'm about at the point where I believe ANY relationship I enter into will be a terrible repeat of every sick relationship I've had. 

Like I'll be snapped up by N's and rediculouse little men who want a nice little high profile bobble on their arm to show the cruel world that they're worthy.... SEE!?!?  SHE PUTs UP WITH ME!!!  I can't be all bad!I don't even want to address my need for a pygmalian project, lol. 

Blech and saying NO to every jerk that comes along is one thing.  I'm quite afraid that the only people who will ever come around will BE jerks.Do I have some homing device N's home in on?   Is there something written on my horehead that only N's can see? 

I once had a very nice man in my life.... and he wanted to protect and care for me, take turns leading and be cared for.  It was improbable but it happened.  I guess it can happen again.   

I now know of 2 relationships, well there may be more in my home State, that aren't dyscunctional beyond all repair. 

I suppose it could happen for me and anyone else who can put boundaries in place and keep saying NO to the crazies.

[Ami]

Dear Bigalspal,
   I think that the beauty of the board is that there is "safety" in many counselors. If someone's opinion is not "good" for you, you can simply reject it. When you are in the therapy relationship, it is harder to do b/c you have invested time.money and 'power"(your power)(IMO)
  Anyway, I am going to give you an answer based on head and heart. Please reject what does not sit right with you.
  My heart cries out for you as a little girl who was treated like 'trash."She was not valued, cared for,pampered and kept safe b/c she had a monster for a care taker. The little girl found love where she could(with the guy next door). However, she always held a guilt and shame for an 'inappropriate" relationship even though it was not her fault. The guilt and shame got lodged in her body and mind. From then on, she carried the feeling of being"trash" with her everywhere. She could not run away far enough from those feelings. Nothing would really take them away-- or only for short times.
   She keeps trying to replay the 'record" of her worthwhileness ,but it keeps coming up with the same message---"You are worthless".
  You are smart,kind, giving and caring. NOW- you will begin to change the old tape. You are reaching out and being vulnerable. Most people won't do this. You are going deeper  inside yourself-- trying to chase and find truth. You will do it.
  You are on the first step of a journey to your core- where God wrote the tape--- You are His beloved  child. Your pain brought you to Him. You will now find who you were meant to be--- before a monster programmed all those lies.god brought you a husband who loves you. he will bring you health- emotional and physical
   You have value.-------lots and lots of value                         Love  Ami
   

[bigalspal]

Hi Ami & Lighter,
Lighter- I know! I'm just a shocked a you are! I can't believe that I broke that old pattern. I did go through many men before I did.   


Ami-You hit the nail on the head! Everything you said is exactly the way I think it happened. I know my life will not be without hardships, but I think I found the path. Finally!

But, I could not have done it without you folks. I've been searching for THIS kind of love, acceptance for many years!
THANK YOU!!!
Love,
Bigalspal

[Hopalong]

Dear Bap,
Does he have a middle aged single brother?

 
Hops

Dear Lighter,
You're a high-profile bobble? Who knew!
Well, I am sure your profile is earned.
I think you can work on the bauble bit.

How do you dress? What do you project?
Do you wear heels?
Do you like yourself without being dressed fancy?

You get my drift....

Lighter, I find you amazingly, amazingly smart and insightful.

I know this: you deserve every good wise aware gift you have been handing out so generously here.

love
Hops

[lighter]

Hey Hops:

I'm very low profile, comfortable in no makeup and flats all the time.  This drives my mother nuts, lol.

I can walk into a bar and no man speaks to me on the way to the potty. 

On my way out of the potty, every man will speak to me and seek my favor bc I brushed out my hair and put on some makeup, lol.  Crazy how shallow and weak men are. 

[Hopalong]

Crazy, how luckily lovely some women are.
And men ARE visual. That's biology, not conspiracy...

Enjoy it.
Heck.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I'll try to enjoy it but.... getting all dolled up just brings the N's around and since they're so confoundedly dogged in getting their way.... no matter the cost.... they usually are the ones who end up getting attention from me. 

As aware I am of them and revolted by their self entitled aura.... I end up with them over and over again. 

I don't know how to be high profile and attract nicer people.

I don't feel comfortable BEING high profile.... I feel like a little girl all dressed up..... pretending. 

[bigalspal]

Hey Hops & Lighter,
My husband DOES have 2 other brothers. One is very nice & normal, but the OTHER one is not! That's all I'm gonna say on that subject! 
And I know what you guys mean about dressing up. I'm a jeans & T-Shirt kinda gal.
And I also feel like a fraud when I dress up, although my husband loves it when, on the RARE occasion, I put on a pair of spikes!     Of course we are both approaching 50, so that doesn't happen much anymore! 
HAHAHA!!
Bigalspal

[lighter]

I'm just glad you have a  nice man in your life to enjoy, Pal.