Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
It's like, OMG...
JustKathy:
Peanut,
I'm not totally following your post, so bear with me if this reply makes no sense to you.
I'd be lying if I said it has never crossed my mind that I might have regrets when my mother dies. At times I do think that I will feel guilty, but then, she's programmed me to feel that way. I also ask myself what the case would be if the situation was reversed and I died before my mother. Based on her reaction to other deaths in the family, I would say that she wouldn't give a rat's behind. If anything, she would probably perceive it as a victory. This is a woman who didn't bother to show up at my high school graduation, and came to my wedding under duress (and let everyone know it). I can't envision her putting flowers on my grave.
I've never given any thought to her being driven to suicide herself. She's not the type. She's the one who controls everybody, who is always in charge, always the winner. If anything, I could see her driving someone else in the family to it. Not me, because I've developed the strength to fight back, but my sister or even my father, both who have been SO emotionally weakened by her.
I've never talked to my therapist about reconnecting, or souls, or anything "deep." Right now the focus has been on my immediate pain and how to stop it. I guess I need to give the current situation some time before I move on to the next phase. It's only been four months since I broke contact with M, so feel like I need to see where it goes from here.
So far, no other family members have attempted to contact me since I distanced myself from M. They are all mother's puppets and it hurts big time that I love them and they apparently don't care what becomes of me. Right now I'm trying to sort through all the hurt. Maybe a year from now I'll have different feelings, and the focus of my therapy sessions will change. But in all honesty, the situation has been VERY toxic, so we may never reach that point.
Wildflower:
Hi Peanut and Welcome :D I LOVE your name. :D
I'm so sorry about your mom and her suicide - even if she did make your skin crawl before she died. That must have been so, so difficult to sort through.
--- Quote ---Here's the scoop. In the group that I went to after the suicide, (for 3 years), I would hear story after story of well-meaning codependants like me, taking the 'stand' so as not to further enable their loved one in their destructive behavior, only to have said same loved one end up dead by suicide.
I remember being so angry that none of the codepency books ever write that last chapter, and I would watch the horror and anquish of the survivors over and over and over, and would hear stories comparable, though not so spot on as those here, to ours, and think,... well, I never formulated words for precisely what it is I thought...
--- End quote ---
I never worry about suicide with my dad, but I do worry a bit about my mom at times. I can't help wondering what the stories were like of the other people in the codependency group. The one's who made a stand. That's so sad. When you say you were angry about those books never writing the last chapter, do you mean warning people not to take the last stand? Or warning people how hard it would be to deal - and to be strong because it was inevitable? Or something completely different?
Wildflower
rosencrantz:
For what it's worth, when I get my knickers in a twist over it all, my H just says : "The bottom line is that you're allergic to your mother." Think of it this way : would you eat or touch something that you know can give you an anaphylactic attack?????
For Peanut : You are making choices to help yourself to health. Good for you! There are plenty of resources out there for our mothers to have tapped into as well. Our mothers are responsible for themselves and their own outcome. You are not responsible for your mother's choices. And, as I have recently discovered, you need to get the parent/child thing the right way round : you have a right to 'be' the child - you should never have felt you had to take on the responsibility for being her parent!!! :wink:
My own view on suicide is this : if someone chooses suicide, either she did it for peace from her own demons (in which case she has achieved what she wanted - you can find ways to let her rest in peace) or she did it as the final angry manipulative act to 'make' you feel whatever it is you are feeling about it all now. OK - she won - what's next???
My posts reflect the decisions I've made over the years. They may not 'fit' your own situation. But I'll just share one more discovery. 'Being totally impeccable' sounds like one of those damaging legacies from our childhood. Be totally impeccable with yourself - that's good. But you can make choices about what you share and who with. It may take time but you can certainly work your way through all this and move beyond. Sometimes it's difficult, but please be kind to yourself in the process, if you can. (I wasn't!!) :)
I hope you find some of this useful, either now or later. My understanding is that it's the Borderline parent who carries out suicide attempts so you may find what you are looking for in the 'Borderline' literature.
Take care
R
Peanut:
Thank you so much Kathy/Poozybear, Wildflower & R for your thoughtful replies. :D
Kathy: I totally appreciate what you have said. :-)
Wildflower: Oh, gosh, I just forgot what I was going to say. :shock: :roll: :cry: I need to go reread your reply to figure out where I dropped my stitch. :-)
Rosencrantz: The 'impeccable with my word' concept is from the 'Four Agreements' - I'm just now giving it a test drive in the sense that I'm trying to say what I mean and really feel as opposed to always doing the 'nice' thing and saying what I think peaple want to hear. I have to admit, it isn't always a comfortable fit. :-)
Wildflower:
R, my shoulders stopped touching my ears when I read this...five times:
--- Quote ---For Peanut : You are making choices to help yourself to health. Good for you! There are plenty of resources out there for our mothers to have tapped into as well. Our mothers are responsible for themselves and their own outcome.
--- End quote ---
I see myself in my mother. I see her in me. I see myself getting well, why can't she?? I won't abandon her, but...
The difference between us that makes me happy and learning to love life and the people in it and her wallowing and falling deeper, deeper down is that I chose to lift myself out. I chose to get better. I looked at all the work ahead of me, and I pushed on. She had a good dad, too, only it was her real dad who died when she was 13. I share links with her, books with her, ideas and thoughts with her. Share? I shout these things out into the void. I chose to make a life for myself. She chooses to be determined by her past. That's the difference between getting well and staying sick. And it has to come from inside. And I can't get inside her to make her want to get better.
Thanks for saying that in way I could finally hear. :D
Wildflower
P.S. - I try not to write when I'm at work, but this ... :idea: :!: Be back later. :D
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