Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
It's like, OMG...
Tokyojim:
Poozybear,
You wrote that your therapist has much knowledge about NPD and has given you advice. Can you relate any ideas that seem to be useful in dealing with NPDs in general? I know it is very individual, but does your therapist think that one should accept the hopelessness of ever having a normal relationship with them? Should they be completely avoided if possible?
Thanks for any info!
rosencrantz:
Hi Peanut - I'm really sorry for the experience you have had of your mother's suicide. I know someone who has experienced this. All I can tell you is that I have the impression, years on from the event, that she is unmoved by it all and indifferent . But anger is inevitable. And guilt. Briefly. Troubled people leave trouble in their wake.
When I guessed my father was dying and I would have to 'face the family', I did some quick thinking : I decided that I had honoured my parents by 'getting out from under' and leading the best life I could. I'm still working on leading the best life I can. And I'm proud to have achieved the little 'extra' that I've done on this board over the last year. It was for the sake of my own mental and emotional survival so I had good motivation ;-)
My mother will never understand what I've achieved. Perhaps my father could. He was just happy that I was happy. Bless him wherever he is. What a gift he gave me in his final days.
But mother - well, I will feel many things but, above all, I'll just be relieved when she's gone and I don't have to 'deal' with it all any more.
You don't have to feel you must be careful what you share of your own experience. I think that the fear of damaging others is the legacy our mothers left us. Most of the 'victims' of narcissistic parents have already had to learn to be tougher than you might think. We're the survivors, remember! :-) But, above all, do what feels right for you - and don't be afraid to speak out if anything seems overwhelming. I know that's been my experience here. :D
Take care and good luck!
R
JustKathy:
I'll try to address both questions that were posed to me . . . hope I don't ramble too much and that some of this makes sense and isn't all convoluted and weird.
First, Peanut, I'm REALLY sorry that you have had to deal with a suicide situation. I can see from your post that you now have some deeply complex emotions to deal with. I wouldn't know how to begin dealing with that one, as I don't know anyone who has been there. If anything, I've often wished that my mother WOULD die. Like Rosencrantz, I believe that I too will be "relieved" when she's gone. It sounds cruel, but nowhere near as cruel as the pain she's inflicted on me.
As for the long-term aspect of just distancing myself from my mother, it's been REALLY difficult for me to deal with the repercussions and have needed to increase my therapy sessions since this happened. This sort of ties in to Tokyojim's questions about therapy.
There are years worth of things that my therapist has told me, but one of the most important was getting me to realize that my mother would NEVER change. Ns don't change because they do not believe that they have a problem. In their world everyone else has the problem. So yes, she did say that I would have to accept the fact that I would never have a normal relationship with my mother, that it WAS a hopeless situation. She also felt that I would never have a normal relationship with anyone else in my family, as they are all completely dysfunctional thanks to M. That's another post (a LONG one).
Breaking ties with mother has not been easy. She has sent me countless letters and emails with various messages, all designed to push my buttons. I haven't replied to any of them as it would only give M what she wants . . . me back in the game. This has been difficult on a good day. I can't help but feel that I brought this on myself, and keep telling my therapist that it would have been easier to just continue dealing with the situation as it had always been (to give a time reference, I'm 44). So the big important question that my therapist keeps posing to me is "What do you think you will gain by trying to continue a relationship with your family? What do you expect to get out of it?" The answer to the question is always the same: Nothing. I think this is the crux ofthe issue for me.
SO, her recommendation was and continues to be avoidance, at least as the best solution for me. My psychiatrist (whom I see for my anxiety meds) has also given me the same advice. This may not be the case for all Ns, but with my mother, her torment of me is like a game. If I play along and continue to engage her, then she has the control she wants. She has controlled me my entire life. Cutting her out of my life puts me back in control.
Like you said, all situations are individual, but those are just a few key points that have helped me. I hope some of it made sense. I have years of info floating around in my head . . . it's hard to summarize. I'm sure you know what I mean.
Kathy
Peanut:
Hi Kathy: Thank you for your condolences, and for being so honest and straightforward in your reply.
Believe me when I say, I TOTALLY respect the decision that you have made re: your Mom.
I just wanted to offer this... My Mom killed herself in 1995, and that event in many ways defines me to this day, (I'm 43 :shock: 8) ).
Being near her made my skin crawl prior to her death. After it, I buried my arms, hands, and face in the space from which they removed her dead body.
My experience has been that no matter how bad it was, (and I connect here with OMG = me, too, every other second, so...), I am, (gulp) my mother's daughter in that cosmic/ephemeral/primal, (my vocabulary is really failing me right now), sort of way, even though I've spent my life trying to be the complete opposite of most things that she represented.
Does your T, or more importantly do you, not foresee any way that any of us can recreate/reparent ourselves in such a way that we can somehow maintain ourselves, our souls, and our boundaries in contact with our N's, or is it just too toxic?
For me, even with that experience, I've now ceased to communicate with my N brother, and, somehow, I seem numb to the possible ramifications for me if the same event ocurred again, (or his death in any way, actually), even though I know full well how it could be after...
So this is why my questions are not in any way to question, (re: from some blk/wht, right or wrong perspective, but because I'm still living it, and... well, you probably see what I'm saying.
Thanks for your patience in getting thru. this post, and your willingness to discuss this most sensitive issue.
Most sincerely, Peanut
Peanut:
Hi again. This isn't what I mean:
"Does your T, or more importantly do you, not foresee any way that any of us can recreate/reparent ourselves in such a way that we can somehow maintain ourselves, our souls, and our boundaries in contact with our N's, or is it just too toxic?"
First, your reply makes it very clear that you are only speaking about your own experience, and are not generalizing to others; I'm the one who is trying to extrapolate.
I didn't just edit the sentence out, though, because I'm trying to be impeccable with what I'm trying to say, even if it comes out all screeewed up and backarsewards.
Here's the scoop. In the group that I went to after the suicide, (for 3 years), I would hear story after story of well-meaning codependants like me, taking the 'stand' so as not to further enable their loved one in their destructive behavior, only to have said same loved one end up dead by suicide.
I remember being so angry that none of the codepency books ever write that last chapter, and I would watch the horror and anquish of the survivors over and over and over, and would hear stories comparable, though not so spot on as those here, to ours, and think,... well, I never formulated words for precisely what it is I thought...
Ok, I'm really sort of rambling now, so I'll close ....
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version