Narcissism

[mudpuppy]

Hi Hops,

I was just making a joke, admittedly a pretty lame one, about the difference between a universalist's and a Christian's view of justice, based on what each believes happens in the life to come.

I believe in an entirely just universe, wherein perfect justice is eventually meted out, albeit not on my preferred time scale.

mud

[Hopalong]

Well...mebbe Dust to Dust is in fact justice.
And we just don't know it.

How many UUs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. You can't replace light bulbs with Unitarians. They complain too much when you try to screw them in.

Present for you, Mud:  http://stoney.sb.org/uujokes.html

  Hops

[sea storm]

i agree that there is no justice if you have been betrayed by a narcissist. That is the centre of the hurricane of surviving a relationship with one.  OnCe the penny drops that the N has no conscience, remorse, accountability, responsibility etc.
What is replacing justice for me is knowledge. This only goes so far. However, from what I have read they are on the spectrum of disorders which include being psychopathic, anti social, sociopathic and brain disordered. TheIr brains are wired differently. I wish  that I had known this information long ago. As it was, it was a miracle I came upon it. My sister casually mentioned narcissism and I looked it up. So I have been able to make sense of what happened and gain some insight. This is not exactly healing me and I still have the searing grief feeling and wake up scared and don't trust people. But I have a well developed system of knowledge to help order the cruelty and casual disregard. It definitly helps.
It also helps to think of ex in terms that are invented by James.

Sea storm

[lighter]

Did anyone ever watch SIX FEET UNDER regularly?

There was a scene in the 5th season where the gay brother is driving the van.  He just picked up a woman's body. 

On the side of the road he sees a cute boy signaling for help.  He stops.  The boys gives a story about running out of gas, his grandma is waiting for him, could he get a ride and some gas?

You see a satisfied smirk of attraction wrapped in helpfulness as the brother lets the guy into the van and agrees to help out. 

The guy turns out to be a psycho and beats him and makes him do drugs and they have sex and then the brother ends up covered in gasoline expecting a match to fall.  It doesn't.

Later when he goes to visit the perp in jail, the guy is whining about how his victim is the only person he can count on. He really depends on his visits blah blah blah.  The brother looks repulsed and says..., "I hate you."  Cute physcho boy blathers on obliviouse, just trying to work his game bc the game IS HIM. 

If you saw it you know how sick nad awful his going back and forth between sweetness and "my daddy died when I was 8" and being a murderous violent attacker with no remorse.  It reminds me of how I feel around N.

[lighter]

OK... at this point.... my N has been truly dumped. 

He can fight and extend the death of our relationship but... he can't stop it.

He doesn't have any real friends of his own he's so toxic everyone he's ever dealt with knows what a liability he is.

He continues to reach out to my friends and family for support but they're dwindling as they realize the extent of his disorder and my resolve to divorce him.

He continues to take other women and I think that if my friends and family left him to his own devices he'd go through several levels of self destruction that would  hurt him, if I survived them physically.

What happens next?  Do they finally get it and leave us alone when it's clear we're leaving?

Do they go manic active and DO things that make it look like they're over us?

Do they get quiet and just fade away?

Do they fabricate evidence in every direction designed to make us look bad and make them look victimies?

Do they go down in a fiery ball of crazy behavior if they can't find good enough secondary N supply?

Do they go after the naughty secondary supply if it won't comply?

I know lies are coming.  I know he'll do anything to save a buck but..... where does it end and when does it end.  DOES IT END?

[Hopalong]

It ends when you snip the last thread of either dependency or the thought of rescue.

Hops

[lighter]

It ends when you snip the last thread of either dependency or the thought of rescue.

Hops

And it's just that simple..... like alchemy or something lighter than air.  The difference between praying and going through the motions..... snipping the threads. 

So timely, Hops.  Thanks for this post. 

[Hopalong]

(((((Lighter)))))

[debkor]

Light,

I agree with hops. All those thing you wrote your way ahead of the game.  See you know there next move only your not playing.

Yes it will end now.

Deb

[lighter]

Deb.....

I'll just take your and hop's word on this. 

I'm still unsure how bad the devistation and fallout will be.... so many threats.... so hard for N's to lose. 

If he'd just find someone else to bother.... and leave us alone... or keel over from natural causes. 

Duoh!  Did I say that out loud?  Again? 

I'm really ready for this to be over!!!!!

[debkor]

Light,

That is the biggest thing when it's a done deal (with us) you just don't know what their last trick will be (if any) but we do know most likely what they will pull.  As much as they get to know us (we get to know them) He will surely USE from knowing you and how you tick your weakness.  Think about yours.  What would work to his advantage to make you react to how he wants you to.  This will be your biggest power here (knowing your own weakness) and turning it around. Block that hit.

Keep your smarts and you have plenty. Always be one step ahead in your thinking. 

My biggest thing that worked for me was I showed no reaction.  I wanted to pull my hair out from restraining my action/emotions but I kept control. Shocked the hell out of my H.
   
There is nothing that he can throw your way any curve ball that you cannot handle.  You are done.

Most criminals keep the same motives. I think of them in this sense.  They commit crimes against human emotions.

What do you think he would use, Fear, guilt, jealous, humiliate?

Pick out the ones he already tried and try to figure the last he will use and just be ready.  Prepare your self so it won't be so hard.  You will already have an idea whats coming.

These were the last of my H's tactics.  The others he already had done.

I kind of had an idea already that this would be the last attempts of control  so it backfired on him.  I did not react because I already expected that it was a possibility and dealt with it before it even happened. 

Do they go manic active and DO things that make it look like they're over us? 

Do they get quiet and just fade away?

The 2nd and last was the best, quiet and faded away.

I really hope that yours will just be quiet and fade away too or an earthquake will happen only where he is standing swallow him up and send him straight back to hell.
Oh! did I say that out loud too!

Deb