Letting Go and letting God

[motheroffour]

Anybody have any tips or stratagies for letting go of pain, problems, etc.?  I have been practicing believing that each day I will be given whatever I need.  I had been praying about what to do with all of this new N information and how heavy and daunting it feels. Our last hynm talked about leaving our burdans to the Lord.  Letting Him work it out in His own way and wisdom.  And getting back to the work of living and loving and feeling peace.  Even though I have told myself to do this many times, I have found it very difficult.  Holding on to hurts wondering when healing would come.  Needing so badly for things to change today!  Last night I finally just prayed for God to help me with this seemingly impossible task of not carrying this emotional burdan everyday.   Have any of you had success with letting go and letting God?  Sometimes I can lay it down but it seems jump back on my back like a magnet.  Like it is stuck on me --the fear, the pain, the aloneness, the isolation, not being perfect enough, or not being up to the challenge of all of this.....

And BTW, I must say that I am so impressed with the supportive and kind words I have received and as I have read some of what you share with each other.  I am so deeply touched.  I once read a story about an aborginal tribe in New Zealand and how they dealt with people who broke the law or made significant mistakes.  They would take the offending individual and place them in the center of the village.  Then every person in tribe would tell that person how wonderful they were.  They would tell every experience and feeling they could think of for why they were loved and valued.  This ceremony could go on for days.  No one would leave until the crowd couldn't think of any more.   You can probably guess that this tribe didn't have much trouble within itself.  It make me think of what kind of people we would be if we were reminded how wonderful we are when our weaknesses show their ugly heads.  Thank you for the kindness you do share.  It is like water on the desert.
--Mof4

[lighter]

I think faith in God is very powerful.

Faith in yourself and your ability to make better choices, to care for yourself, is just as important though.

God wants us to help ourselves and I don't pray for deliverance from my dilemmas.  I pray for God to help me help myself.

Dealing with your troubles is what heals you. 

Forgiving yourself for making mistakes then making mindful choices in the future.... not repeating mistakes.... is so important. 

Welcome Motheroffour.   

[motheroffour]

Lighter,

 I so hear you on the having faith in yourself peice.  I think I am overwhelmed by the "dealing with our problems" thing.  I feel like that is all I do.  All of the "work" I do to get myself out of the "crazy-places" and the pain my environment seems to inspire.  I don't really expect the problems to go away.  I just find peace and acceptance and letting go so elusive.  It all sounds so good on paper.  How do you translate that into reality?

Mof4

[lighter]

I haven't translated it yet, to tell ya the truth.

I consider letting go some of my family members..... you wouldn't believe the craziness they keep going all around my own personal crisis and craziness.

That may be part of the translation for me in the final anaylsis. 

Editing out craziness and making room for better things.

That sounds so awful, cutting out family members. 

I can't wrap my mind around that and yet, I spoke with my Therapist today and he assures me that not everyone's life is this traumatic.

Not everyone has the struggles I deal with, and things could  be worse,  I realize that too.

I can't change my FOO's behaviors but I can certainly limit contact with it and perhaps end contact if that's what I decide needs to happen.

How do we limit the craziness in our lives?

I don't know what all your craziness is caused by. 

I don't have any answers for dealing with an N husband, if that's part of your struggle. 

I've left mine and my experience says that you can't find sanity in that position. 

If you're mother or father is an N..... I'd have to say ending contact with that craziness is part of the answer. 

I guess we edit craziness if we want less of it. 

We get used to dealing with it if we want to feel better about dealing with it. 

We join it if we want to feel at home with it?

 

[motheroffour]

I know what you mean by cutting off family members.  Its not nice, right?  Seems like the only way, but not realistic yet for me.  Still working that one out.  My life has lost a little of the craziness because of the steps I have taken to distance myself and nurture myself.  I think that I feel so overwhelmed with all of it.  My therapist, too, says that not many people deal with what I am dealing with.  The truth is much of the caos is dying down.  I think I have all the parts of it identified and I know where my pain is coming from.  I have some coping stratagies in place and some selfcare stratagies as well.  I simply don't understand why the intensity of my pain doesn't go away.  Kinda feels like a volcano.  Erupts in unexpected places. Then keeps coming and coming.  I feel like I want so badly to let go of it.  Can't decide some days if I hold it or it holds me.  I guess I hold it. What ever you hold on to holds you, I have read.  I guess I will continue what you suggest.  Editing out craziness and making room for better things.  How long have you been in recovery, Lighter?  Does it take as long to find peace as it feels?

[lighter]

I've suffered from breakups and loss.  I've been divorced before and that hurt but I got through.  Every time feels like going into a void and it gets more familiar each time I'm there.

So.... I know certain things about it. 

it doesn't last forever and everything will be ok, even if it's not ok.  Knowing this helps so much. 

All that pain has a message.  Best to sit and listen to it than run around and ACT when you're in the middle of it.

Having a few really close people (or just one)   to tell everything to, and still be accepted, is so important.

I read and read and read and research whatever it is I need to get through. 

When a  friend died, I things that helped me deal with that.

To get over relationships that were painful and held me back, I read GETTING THE LOVE YOU NEED and WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH and tons of other books, PEOPLE OF THE LIE and WHAT YOUR MOTHER NEVER TOLD YOU AND YOUR FATHER NEVER KNEW and so many so many.  So helpful to gain knowledge and understanding about ourselves and other people.  I'e given them away or I'd list more of them here, lol. 

It also gives us something to do besides go crazy while we're waiting for the reality to sink in and become less oppressive and horrific and scary and overwhelming.  Sort of like arming ourselves for when the siege subsides and we can peek our heads out again.

I want to feel worthy and comfortable in my own skin.

I want to know how to deal with my sib when she begins calling other family members idiots and condemning thier childrearing practices, leaving them out of her visits to transfer aggression then feel attacked when she's the one who drew first blood.

I just got the first call from her doing just that and I wish I hand't given her a cell phone to call me with.   I wish I could have put that call off for one more day. 

So,  I guess you might not have sunk into the sadness yet and really experienced it all and let it out. 

I'm told that you have to do that in order to feel better and stop feeling haunted.  I've had some luck with this and I do believe it's true, on some level. 

Really cry and sob and wail and feel everything so it stops tapping you on the shoulder. 

I guess I'll do some of that now that I have the house to myself tonight. 

I really hate it but.... I think I have to do it in order to move through it. 

I get better at it.  It was almost impossible to do when I first started.  Now I can wail and carry on much easier, lol. 

That sounds so odd but it's the way it is.

 We have so many strategies to STOP the feelings.  We hold our breath or we get sidetracked by the noises we make, lol.  It's just not easy but I'd do that if you haven't already. 

Most people live their lives trying to avoid the pain and they find it impossible to do this.  They go from one distraction to the next and wonder why they aren't happy. 

[motheroffour]

I am sorry that your day has brought you more need of tears.  I hope that tonight there is good movie and something or someone to sooth the blow of your experience.  Sounds like you have been through so much loss.  And sounds like your sib isn't a very fun person.  I appreciate that you and others see the value in the big cry.  My goodness, I have cried so much.  From the depth of my soul.  I am tired.  I am weary of all the processing.....the neverending processing.  For me, It feels like a new bad habit.   I  am ready for a new step I think.  My childhood, my 10 year marriage, all of it has been so painful.  Pushed me to my very limit.  But dang it. It happened.  Just want to set it down.  Not carry the burdan anymore.  Don't know if you like country music.....Raschal Flatts sings a song called "Stand"  The chorus goes like this

 " When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of
   you might bend til you break, cuz its all you can take
   on your knees you look up, decide you've had enough
   you get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off
   Then you Stand."

I am done.  You know.  I wanna get strong and shake it off and Stand.
 --Mof4

[mum]

Hiya, Mother of Four and Lighter.

I hardly ever pop my head in here anymore. But I just got the notion, and stumbled into this "conversation".

What a wonderful dialogue. I'll just add some ramblings, if you'll indulge me.

There is no "easy way out", I have found. I have been through a lot, as some of the old timers here might recall. This board was and is a nice place to spell it out, on our keyboards, to others who have similar stories and feelings. Anyway, it's just nice to read "new" names supporting each other.

Someone here (a long time ago) shared a poem. I've moved, so heaven only knows what box that poem is in, but it was about passing through things...not around, not over, but basically just feeling it (however awful it is) and passing through it. "Throwing ourselves into the sharp edges of pain" is what Pema Chodron would call it (I stink at direct quotes, but that's the gist).

What we think the solution will be, what we imagine the antidote to our pain will be, rarely pans out the way we expect.
I got through what I thought was the crucible....only to find that there is still pain (albeit different manifestations) on the other side. So patience is surprisingly helpful. Letting this "just suck and that's that" is another. I'm not real good at those two, but I know I would benefit from using them more often. I tend to be a "do-er". That's where the next bit comes from:
Pain tells us it's time to change. It's our teacher. It tells us there is some learning to do, some growth to experience. (or in my case, a narcisstic to get away from).

But we are human. And that means that we will always experience human-ness and the pain that accompanies it.
I realize that could sound depressing, but it's actually very refreshing for me. To know that I don't have to have it all figured out, to know that I CAN'T ever truly figure it out.  When I remember that there is no solid ground under our feet, that we do what we must and what we think is right, but we never really get to know how it all will turn out......it's then that I can relax a bit, and give myself a break.

Hearing your dialogue reminds me of how hard I had to work (as you are now) to break free from opression and fear, and I am exhausted for you!
I will say, from my experience, that there is an amazing reward for doing this work you are now doing. It's not a castle in the clouds or a white knight to carry you away. It's just the ability to FEEL the journey for yourself, and to live and love the way you must, to make this life as rewarding (not pain free) as possible.

Re; letting go: I spent so much time trying to avoid/get out of pain, that I never really looked at it long enough to see it truly, and then let it go.

This is the best thing I learned: "the only thing I have to do with pain, is to let it go".

One of my mentors told me that.
She also taught me that you cannot let something go that you are not holding (and feeling) first. I was very good at feeling pain and very good at expressing that (an important step!) but not so good at letting it go. If it were easy to learn how to do this, I doubt we would have the kind of egoic conflict we now have in the world (and always have).

Anyway, to answer the question of "HOW do I let go of the pain?" there are a bazillion answers. Ekhart Tolle would say "drop it as you would a heavy suitcase full of crap you don't want" (pardon the liberties with the quote, Ekhart). And many buddhist teachings would have us look at what it is we are attached to/ afraid of losing. And Shakti Gawain might have us imagine the negative energy leaving our bodies in a very visual way.
And my very Catholic, late parents may have alternately told me to "offer it up for a sacrifice" or "keep the faith".

There are a million teachers, and a million more ways to find our path in this life. Jesus said, "seek and you shall find". This is it. Your asking. Now here goes. Open your eyes and hearts. The answers are going to start falling out of the sky into your lap.

You won't stop feeling pain. You may (as I have) think you have something figured out, only to say "crap, here I am again!". But you will know that pain does not have to be chronic, or a way of life. You can choose how you deal with it.

It's late, and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with how much I wish I could explain to you...how lucky (yes lucky) you are to be learning.......how many "light bulb moments" are around the corner. But words never do anything important much justice.
So I will just be sending
love and light to you.
Mum

[lighter]

::sigh:: I really enjoyed that post, Mum.

Thank you for sharing it: )

[Hopalong]

Oh, Mum.

Thank you.

with humble love,
Hops

[motheroffour]

Mum,
Thank you for popping in.  Your words are like a warm blanket.
mof4

[moonlight52]

((((((((((((((((((((((((mum))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

so much love to you

moonlight

[Sela]

So good to see you Mum!

pain does not have to be chronic, or a way of life. You can choose how you deal with it.

Amen!

Hi Moon!  Love to you too!

MO4, the only "tip" I have is that our thoughts greatly effect the way we feel.

 

Like it is stuck on me --the fear, the pain, the aloneness, the isolation, not being perfect enough, or not being up to the challenge of all of this.....

I've had thoughts like this.....thinking, believing I was stuck, not good enough, not able to withstand the challenges.  And I've felt fear, pain, aloneness and isolation etc.  Do you see where the thoughts are intermingling with the feelings? 

The trick is to catch the thoughts and argue or banish them before they get a chance to generate feelings, or at least put a stop to them, which will effect how we feel after that.  Not always so easy either but definately doable.

For instance:  Catch the...."it is stuck on me" thought and agrue it.  Is it really that powerful that there is no way to shake it off?  What?  The best, strongest, never loosening glue is holding it there?  (you could be rich marketing that product!!  ).  It?  Meaning the feelings of fear, pain, etc?  Feelings are stuck and won't budge/can't budge?

Picture a great pry bar in your brain.  Wedge it in there and unstick those thoughts.  Pour loosener on the glue!  Many have felt as you do and come out of it.  You can too.  You are not stuck there forever.  You will pry your way out, if you decide to.

Is everything out of your control?  The isolation?  Can you do anything to change it?  Find a support group, join something, volunteer, start a coffee hour, find people to share with?

Not perfect enough?  Banish this thought.  No one is perfect and you won't be.  Tell yourself it's ok to be human and to make mistakes and to be imperfect.  Don't allow this thought of being unworthy to stay in your head.  It doesn't help anything and it's not realistic.  Where did this thought come from?  Examine the facts and see if you really are as awful as you imagine?  Or has someone suggested that you are?

Can't do the challenge?  Rearrange this one?  This is a challenge and you will keep trying to get through it.  Evenually, you will.  If you want to and you try......you will.  It's that simple.  Can't doesn't factor in because it's actually a choice.  If you don't want to or don't try.....you won't.   Coming through doesn't necessarily mean getting things to work out the way you want but it does mean doing your best to get through this period and maybe things will work out.  If they don't, prepare your brain to accept that you tried and learned along the way....and tell yourself....you'll be ok regardless.

Thoughts generate feelings.  You will not feel anything without thoughts.  Therefore, changing the way you think will have an effect.  If you decide this makes sense and work at it, soon, you will feel differently.  Maybe not so afraid, hurt, alone, isolated.  Only you can choose what you think.

God doesn't really factor into this part of it because He doesn't not dictate our thoughts.  He is with us, no matter where we are and maybe.....letting go and letting Him ...has more to do with trying hard and hoping for the best.....not hanging onto specific outcomes and just expecting them to somehow happen?  Or maybe you can picture the fear and the pain and the aloneness and the isolation are all cooking in a big boiling pot, over a hot fire, and the feelings are each floating out, like bubbles, up, up, and away.....and God is there, with little net, catching them and popping each one.....freeing you from those feelings for now?  I'm no expert, that's for sure.  Just my blurb for today.
 
Sela

[motheroffour]

sela,
love the pry bar thing.  Love the banishing of perfectionism.  Love the boiling stew and God popping the bubbles.  Thank you.  I will try to apply these stratagies in future.

Do I have power to change my circumstances?  Yes.  Do I try to do this?  I only do what I can do, which on some days isn't as much as I would like.  But I don't push myself so much.  I think a wait for opportunities to come to me, consider if I feel I can, and then step forward.  I took myself out of the game for a bit.  Kinda felt like a needed a rest, a retreat from the situations that were so hard.  Thought if I listened to myself and nutured myself for a time, then I could build back a little reserve.  I am perhaps mourning the loss of what I hoped life would be with regards to family and friends.  Coming to terms with my circumstances.  I really do just want some friends who laugh at my jokes and tell me to "get my roots done." (quote from Steel Magnolias)  You know?

I must say I did meet one friend recently.  We had a conversation.  She said I was a breath of fresh air.  Couldn't believe my ears.  Too scared to hope at this point......

Some one on the board, think it was Ami, that said that the People you need with present themselves when you need them.  Thanks for the reminder.  I am also reminded of something I read often in my favorite book by Medody Beatie, "The Language of Letting Go."  She says that everything we need will be there for us.  We don't need to worry or spin.   Boy do I need to read my own book.

[Sela]

Hi again MO4,

What I hear you saying is that you made a choice to sort of take a break and take care of yourself?  Nothing wrong with that.  So really, the thought that you are isolated is actually something you have chosen for your own good, at this time, to give yourself the space you need to heal?  Sounds like a reasonable idea to me.  It's a reasonable choice, imo.

You don't push yourself?  That's ok.  Nothing wrong there, since that is what you need right now.  It is a choice though.  You wait for opportunities to present themselves and then decide whether or not to take them (whether or not you're ready to take them)?  More sensible stuff but again....choices. (Rather than you can or cannot take them......isn't it really.....you are ready or not to take them?  That's how I think of it and it helps.  If it doesn't help you, then think what does help,  It's your choice!!  )

I really do just want some friends who laugh at my jokes and tell me to "get my roots done." (quote from Steel Magnolias)  You know?

Yep, I know.  When you are ready, when you feel able, when you have finished mourning and when you decide it's time to try harder at finding the kind of friends you want........you will do so.  Until then, there is nothing wrong with choosing not to do that.  Another choice.  And if people happen to come along that fit the bill.......hey!  Enjoy!  I'm with you in thanking God there!!

The way I think of it though is.......
The people I need may present themselves or they may not.  I might have to put out the effort to find them, if they don't just appear.  I can choose to do that too.  So can you, I bet?  When you are ready.

Sela