What the Heck is wrong with me?

[motheroffour]

Sometimes I look around at the people around me and sometimes I am so jealous.  They look so happy with friends and family and laughter.  They seem to find it easy to talk to others....to make  and keep real connections.  I have never really been connected to anyone in my life.  My parents were, for lack of a better discription, emotionally absent.  I rarely dated the kind of guys that treated me in respectful ways. I kissed a lot of frogs.   I have struggled to find lasting friends.  My husband had been so absent as well.  Looking so good on the outside but not really connecting with me in meaningful ways.  I don't seem to make friends easily.  I really think that I am a fine person. I actually think that I have a lot to offer.  But I think that I am developing a complex.  Because of my pain, I find it so difficult to interact normally.  And I am so sick of it.  Wish someone could tell me what is wrong with me.  I know I have had pain and I know it has been heavy, but that is not all I am.  Why?  Why?  I read in an earlier post that we kindof attract N's into our lives.  What is it about me that is attracting it?  Cause dang!  I want to stop.  I want to have friends. Real, live ones that breath in and out and want to bbq on weekends and drop of their kids anytime.   I want to have family around me that wants to be there and values my presence.  My husbands N family certainly isn't that and right now I am public enemy #1 because I have made the mistake of trying to work out our difficulties.  I am just so alone.  I have a few friends.  They are the kind that talk all about themselves and don't ask or want to hear about you.  They suddenly become busy when you need to talk or fail to ask questions or remember your birthday or comment when something good happens.  What the HECK is wrong with me?  Kind of feels like a curse.  Feel like a leper.  Does anybody know what I mean?

[lighter]

I know what you mean and sometimes I think it isn't us.... it's everyone else.

Sometimes I'm sure I'm the flawed one though, of course, too.  

I'm right there with ya wishin for good friends that you feel close to and feel that you can ask for and give in the relationship.

Most of my relationships are about my giving and everyone expects me to give.  They feel comfortable with it.  They expect me to be a tower of strength so that I've had to break down and be SO vulnerable to get ANY empathy and I hate it hate it hate it.  

What this tells me, I've been responsible for building walls and sending out the message that I don't need anyone or anthing.  

I know I do that.

I know I'm hard to get to know.

I'm very private.

Guarded.  I've built my own walls, I know.  

For the most part I've not been able to trust most women.

I have one good friend now that sees clearly bc she's comfortable in her own skin.  She doesn't need to ;put me down to feel better about herself.

Maybe most people are as uncomfortable within themeselves and feel even more vulnerable than we do?  Can that be true?  Can that be part of the problem?

Maybe they have more luck stepping on other people and making them feel small and that builds them up and makes them feel better about themselves?

Maybe I'd have better luck if I just spoke my truth to more people.... though I kinda doubt it.

I know this, I tend to steer towards older people, I'm talking elderly people.  

I want connections and I want wisdom and I DO NOT WANT MORE COMPETITION.

I don't want to compete with friends for the best mother, best figure, best house, most money, best kids awards that YOU JUST KNOW everyone thinks about in this society.  They do.  No way around it.  Even if they want you to think they aren't..... they think about it.  

And if they don't, they worry you are or they worry that you feel you aren't measuring up, lol.  

Oh my, we complicate things so much when it seems it could be so simple.  

Sometimes I want to run away to Scandinavia where the women don't wear bras and they seem so childlike in their dealings with each other.  They don't cut each other down and scalp each other at every turn, from what I gathered in socializing with them.  Truly a pleasure and it was so refreshing.  

This society has problems way beyond the individuals struggle to fit in.  

It's not just a matter of becoming a more charming human being that attracts others to them, though I believe that would be helpful for you and me and everyone who wants more friendship and fellowship.

I'm thinking of taking a class on becoming more charming.  A good friend is writing a book on it and doing workshops.  I admit that he's been changed, in a very positive way, by the work he's been doing.  If I had childcare help I'd join the group that meets weekly.  

Heck, I'm going to FIND childcare and join.  I hope it leads to more friendships and happiness in my life.  

I do miss connections too, Motherofour.

[pennyplant]

Well, that inability to connect properly has dogged me for much of my life.  I'm convinced, after being on this board a year and a half now, that the only cure is to heal myself from the insides out.  And it takes a lot of time.  But forcing it hasn't worked, feeling sorry for myself hasn't worked, faking it hasn't worked.  Only healing will work.  So, that's my number one priority.  Taking care of myself and letting the healing take place.  Because I think I was even fighting against healing for awhile there.

Have you been on the board for long?  There is lots to read here and that helped me a lot when I didn't know what to say or do.  I'd just read the old posts and learn stuff that way and feel less alone.

I think just getting yourself here means you're heading in the right direction.  Try different things and see what seems to feel right.  There's lots of suggestions and directions and styles here.

Pennyplant

[motheroffour]

Lighter --  How is it that you can say so much better what I so often think in my mind.  You are truly amazing.  I too,  project that I don't need anyone or anything.  Hmmm...I need to think on your words.

Pennyplant -- No I have not been on the board long.  I am trying this thing out.  Never communicated like this before.  Trying to digest all this information.  Been reading as much as I have time for.  I really appreciate your words.  Feel the same way about forcing it.  I keep hearing that I should get out there and make new friends and reach out.  I keep trying over and over and struggling over and over.  For the last 6 months, I just kinda checked out.  Beling really quiet.  Trying to heal.  Being patient with myself.  Now I feel like I am ready to get out there again.  Lots of social situations scare me.  I am trying to overcome that fear.  I am not sure how to deal with what feels like almost constant rejection.  Trying so hard to feel good about who I am without much evidence from the outside.  Keep feeling that if I had a friend then maybe I could receive a little postitive feedback and relax a bit.  Maybe this board is a start, eh?  Many kind words. So foreign in my world.
Thanks.

mof4

[pennyplant]

Mof4,

I have had some times in my life when the friend thing worked well.  So, I know I have it in me.  Those times when it worked, I think the circumstances were right--I just happened to be around compatible people and also felt good about myself at the same time.  But those periods were short-lived.

In looking back, I think I have made the most, real progress since I came to this board around January 2006.  At that time, I was pretty much at rock bottom as far as stress, anxiety, and feelings of rejection and hopelessness.  So, maybe I was finally open to some answers that maybe were there all along and I just wasn't ready for them.  It is good to have some vocabulary for what was going on in my life from birth on.  Things that didn't feel right, but which were pervasive and therefore felt "normal".  So normal that I didn't really question the ways in which I was groomed all my life for failure.  That's just some of what this board has given me.

And as a side note:  don't be so sure that all the "shiny, happy people" you see all around you are actually that happy with their lives.  They may be fooling themselves, they may be fooling everybody else.  They may just be incredibly lucky.  This is not an indication of your worth that you might seem not to measure up to them.  It probably shouldn't even be a question of comparison anyway.  They are them and you are you.  Start with you and work from there.  I know it's hard.  But give yourself time and you will see what I mean.

Pennyplant

[WRITE]

I think sometimes it's simply a pattern repeating MOF.

I grew up in a family where the parents didn't love each other, no one loved anyone and the only emotions people showed were passive aggressive anger.

I thought I 'chose' my husband wisely when we frist started dating because he went to church and was very clever and his family seemed nice...of course we were far too young and his family turned out to be as unreal as mine emotionally though they had more pleasant surface behaviours.

The skills I used to cope with all these unfortunate relationships are the ones which make me really good at music therapy though now; nothing is ever wasted really.

Without therapy I think I would still be married though and miserable.

Instead of single and miserable  Just joking, bit of a crisis last week, the clouds are clearing now & I feel positive again.

[Ami]

Dear MO4,                                                                                                                                                . I think that if I don't trust people,it is ME that I don't trust. I don't trust myself to chose the right people, stay within my own boundaries, not get overly close or run away or overly need approval . All these issues are my lack of trust in myself.(IMO)
  It is easy to view it as the 'outside",but I think that it is the 'inside"
  When the inside heals, the outside will reflect it. Then ,I think that I will have as many relationships as I can handle and they will be good..If they are not "good", I will be able to handle what happens b/c my worth does not depend on it
  I think, also, that I expect the outside to "tell me who I am". That puts pressure on me . That makes the relationship a "drag". It is not fun when it is an " internal value" issue  for me                             Love  Ami

[Ami]

WRITE
  That joke is so cute  !!!!                                                      Ami

[WRITE]

Thanks Ami! I am returning to normal you can see...

I have a few friends.  They are the kind that talk all about themselves and don't ask or want to hear about you.  They suddenly become busy when you need to talk or fail to ask questions or remember your birthday or comment when something good happens. 

I do remember this though and it was because I didn't make contact with the kind of people I do now, more positive and kind and living happy lives themselves.
I kept repeatign the pattern of associating with the same kind of people i thought I belonged with or something, sounds strange now but it felt normal then.

Sounds like you are wakign from the same cocoon I did MOF, it's an exhilirating journey and though i haven't got my life right yet- I do have good full friendships now.

Therapy is a great place to begin.

[isittoolate]

MOF
Hi. I spent 68 years wondering what was wrong with me.

I finally isolated myself to get a handle on what was going on. I didn't have any close friends here, where I moved in '98 with an N---2000 miles away from family and friends. I left the N in'02 and have been alone now for 5 years.

I realize now that my father was likley an N---deal with it, I said.
That my mother was just passive and absent---deal with it I said  (they are both dead now.)
Four siblings and 2 are coming to see me Aug 4,5 and then going back east. They are not Ns. Another sister is an N, I realized, and is hiding behind G_d re all her mistakes. Another sister is a top Ontario golfer. All she says it to live life as one would play golf.

So not much help there.

My daughter, now 43, married an N in 1984--I didn't know about Ns. Now I know all the abuse she went through, as well as that crap he piled on me.---was becasue of N-ism. She divorced him in 1996 and they have 3 children. Eldest lives with the Dad and stopped in here last Fall. He is N-ish but bearable. The other 2 live with her and are 18 and 15. She and I were estranged in 1991 because her husband said so--you know "divide and conquer".

I realized that much of what happened to me would not have if I had been taught to stand up for myself--be assertive but not aggressive. I have been learning assertiveness in these past 5 years. I don't know what else I can learn, but I do know that I am likely the most competent paraplegic in Canada, that I am trustworthy, punctual, polite, independant, and have a few talents, like crocheting, writing lyrics and music and can heat up a frozen dinner in the oven.

I don't have any friends. All my contacts are through work that I do at home, website building and bookkeeping, and we get along great because we don't get up close and personal. (I don't want these people to know about my past---especially the estrangement from my daughter and grandchildren.)

I have built my own world here and anything that is outside the limits of my disablity is a no-no.

Do you assert yourself?

I am in therapy and she agrees that I am a very strong, competent person.
Most of my strength came from FEAR.
I have always lived in fear, and that fear makes me dive right in and conquer what is happening.

I don't know if I make sense but right now I think I am in the best place, for me, that I have ever been.

Love
Izzy

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((((((Izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy))))))))))))))))))

You awe me!

I think you are one of the most competent PEOPLE in Canada.

love
Hops

[motheroffour]

To all --
Do you all have people seek YOU out as a friend?  Or do you feel that you pick people that won't hurt you?

Do you ever feel like people like you for who you are? or do you, or did you ever feel like you had to go to great lengths to find love?

Healing from the inside out sounds right to me.  Sometimes I think I was never taught how to have a balanced self.  Love always seems to be something I have to earn.  And even after so much effort, I fall short or it is withdrawn.

Izzy, Why don't you get up close and personal?  Is it fear? or healthy distance?  Don't you miss intimacy?  Anything that is outside of your disability is a no/no?  Why?

I do assert myself. And boy do I pay for it!!!.  I am not aggressive.  (Maybe occassionally) But most of the time if I have a need or concern, I try to go directly to that person to negotiate solutions.  My problem is that I think I live in a circumstance where speaking of these things is so shameful and "not Christ-like".  Now I understand the N elements.  That helps.  Trying to be assertive now without talking to anyone.  Sick of getting my face bit off.

Write:  I find that the people who are really happy feel like a different species than me right now.  It is like when I am around I radiate pain.  I just have to withdraw myself.  It is terribly embarrassing.  Trying to keep a low profile and only do what I can do.  But my true self would be the best friend, I think.  I think I'm fun and smart, you know?  In the past, when I wasn't in so much pain, I remember feeling really confident.  I was good at things.  It seemed that my friends and even boyfriends were threatened by my ability.  I watch myself in past few years "play stupid" or hold myself back so I don't scare people away.  Is that nuts or what?  Hate that about my recent past.  Promised myself I wouldn't do that again.  Are there people out there who actually give love without feeling threatened by your goodness?  Who can be happy for you without always needing you for everything?  Are there people out there that can handle some emotional neediness?  Is it ok to need?  At all?  Or do I need to fabricate need to make others feel valuable?  This sounds sick as I type it.  Sorry.  Think I am trying so hard to unwind from all the protections I have put in place.  Really want to live in reality and maybe find some friends there too.

Pennyplant,  I know it is not the smartest thing to compare.  I like to observe though.  Truthfully, I am not sure what healthy looks like or feels like. Really feel underdeveloped in this way.  MY spirit yearns for it--even since early childhood.  I watch to see if I can follow someones example.  And other times, I am just jealous cause it seems to come so easy for some.

You all awe me.  You sound so strong inspite of so much opposition.  Thank you for enduring my remedial questions.  Do I sound like I need "Narcissism for dummies"?

--Mof 4

[isittoolate]

hi MOF

Izzy, Why don't you get up close and personal?  Is it fear? or healthy distance?  Don't you miss intimacy?  Anything that is outside of your disability is a no/no?  Why?

The latter part first. If someone with 14 steps inside the house and 5 outside, invites me to dinner it is a no-no! I will not struggle and crawl and be undignified just for a dinner. If it is tree climbing, I will give my regrets. If my wheels are wet in rain or covered with snow, I will not attend a place whereby I sit on the carpet and drip dry only to leave a terribly black set of tire marks!.

As far as up close and personal, we work together and sometimes work and 'pleasure' don't mix. Should anything go wrong in the workplace, there might be a personal item one or the other wishes he/she could take back. 

As far as friends not in theworkplace, I have yet to come to terms as a finality, that it is over between my daughter and me. I don't want people to know. I don''t talk about her and the children, except here.

I hit Post too soon.

The communication between my daughter and me and my telling the therapist, appears to show that after my accident and she was only 6, I came home and was a different "Mommy" from before. It caused her depression by the time she was 12. She is still angry that I never noticed her depression and I have no excuse except that I never saw it! Her grades were still perfect and she and her friends hung around laughing and playing---all appeared normal!
--but i saw nothing unusual except me......
---but I will never be undisabled!

IZ

[motheroffour]

Cool Izzy.  Sounds like you do what is best for you.  So kind to yourself.  I respect that.
Are you on better terms at all with your daughter and her kids?  I hope that relationship gets better.  I really do.

Mof4

[isittoolate]

Hi MOF

I was adding to my post as you posted.

"What is wrong with me" was my question when I came on Board, and why I am on my journey

I have not cried since 1992 and that was about my daughter and the children.

Izzy