more about players

[write]

I found this on http://www.datingdoctor.com/old/columns9.html which I thought might be useful for anyone else starting over ( like me )

I definitely attract players! and they seem to have many narcissistic traits too- including getting hostile when I won't play...

I LOVE the last line!

Recognizing a Player

Dear Dating Doctor:

I’m an intelligent, insightful woman but there is one thing that recurs as an issue in my life. I can't tell when someone is just flirting and leading me on or when they are seriously interested in me. I am always shocked to find out that the guy who calls me 2-3 times a week (and stays on the phone for an hour), holds my hand in public, and buys me drinks, is just flirting. How can I tell the difference? Am I attracted to insincere men? - Confused by men

Dear Confused: You have not been experiencing insincere men, you have been attracting “Players.” Players are men that have no intention whatsoever of entering into an intimate, exclusive one-on-one relationship, as they have the ability to string several women along simultaneously (as part of a distorted “mind game”) whereby each woman is convinced that she is the primary love interest in that man’s life.

Some players are looking for a no-strings-attached, short-term, physical relationship, while others simply enjoy the challenge of the chase. They have learned over time what most women are missing in their relationships and they prey on those desires like a vulture over a dead carcass. They have learned to excel in most aspects of a relationship except commitment. Thus, when a woman seems to be getting “too close” or begins seeking a commitment they quietly disappear and move on to someone new. Consider them social grazers.

A player's efforts are validated each time a woman finds him to be attractive and engaging and they seek to spend time with him. Other men can identify a player much faster than women as "it takes one to know one." Some of the foremost players are married men but you’ll never know it as they won’t let it get that far or you that close.

Skilled players have learned over time what wins women over. They perfect the conversation, eye contact, aloofness and body language that capture a woman’s attention. They are adept at saying the right things at the right time and often have an ample cash flow available (due to non-commitment) which they spend without hesitation (especially if they sense that their efforts could lead to a sexual encounter).

All the gestures made in public such as hand holding, drink buying, and feigned interest only serve to make them look more attractive in the eyes of other women who may be watching. Call them future "victims" if you will. If you are interested in them, they must be worth having.

You will know that you are dealing with a player if they disappear when you suggest an extended relationship (such as dating on a regular basis) or they refuse to give you even their most basic information (phone, email, etc.). In their mind, they cannot be tied down to one woman, as there are “way too many fish in the sea.” To them, life is one big pay lake.

If a man is seriously interested in you, he will give you his phone number or email address and encourage you to contact him. He will take the lead or be an equal in terms of calling, planning dates and developing a plan for any future you may have together. He will not pay pronounced attention to other women especially when in your presence, and your needs will always be met before his.

Over time, players will become easier for you to recognize, but always remember, when a man shows you his true self—believe him.

[write]

I'm really into this topic tonight!

Look at this from http://www.romanceopedia.com/O-ThePlayersClub.html

There are those who are absolutely convinced that such a person loves them but, for this or that reason, cannot fully commit themselves.  They will even make up excuses for their player lover.  Like horses with blinders, they continue pulling the cart without seeing what is really going on around them.  When they do finally figure it out, if ever, their hearts are crushed with the added feature of feeling very much like a fool as well.  It was bad enough being victimized by a player.  Now, the realization that everyone else had figured it out but the one who is the actual victim is even more embarassing.
   Then there are those who figure it out soon enough. Still, the emotional damage is very real.  Good people who feel that they have finally found love should not be disappointed by someone who has no idea what the word means.  Yet, it happens.  People invest their time, love, hearts, and souls into what they believe to be a true love relationship only to find that they have been duped by a member of the Players Club.
   Those who survive a player learn their lesson well.  Those who do not become victims or even players themselves.
    The bottom line is nothing good comes as a result of playing with people's hearts.  Relationship predators are the only breed of animal in existence who think themselves to be winners when everyone else knows that they are, in fact, losers.

[Anonymous]

I've got a hot-blooded gorgeous little italian close friend who divorced 18 her husband months ago. Her ex still hangs around like a bad smell and hassles her to get back togther. He's a great friend, got lots of buddies, was in the army, but he was a rotten husband.

When she pregnant with both their children he used to go to prostitutes. When they had a trial separation (to work on their marriage) he was shagging his the landlady's 18 year old daughter. My friend went over to get some petrol money off him early one morning and peeped through the window, he there he was, merrily humping away. My friend got inside his room somehow, (with their kids in tow), and the girl was hiding in the bathroom by this stage. My friend went nuts at him.

Even when the girl came out of the bathroom, only with a towel on, he still denied what he was doing. He still denies to this day. He's unbelievable. He's a sex addict, has NPD, drinks heavily, is only about 37 and this is his 3rd marriage. Kids from each one. Women love him. Even I really like him, and I know what an arsehole he is.

But his ex, my little hot-blooded italian friend has a new strategy now that she's dating again. With every new date she picks a fight with them, real early in the piece. She will have a sound basis most of the time, like maybe she'll criticise the way they eat, or the way they dress. Anything, and see how they react. See how defensive they are. Check out their level of denial. Some of the stories are hilarious. Or if she's really starting to get to like the guy and still has doubts, she'll falsely accuse him of something on purpose to see how he handles it.

And she never ever gives them compliments.

She doesn't seem to care how long it takes her to marry again, and she doesn't seem to have any hang-ups at all about her strategy. That's what makes it so funny. She's so suspicious of her own feelings, and has learned not to trust them, that she does all this stuff on purpose, to challenge her own assumptions. She has said to me that she knows she risks losing a good one but she doesn't care. She said it's a risk she's prepared to take, after her experience with her ex, and the emotional damage he caused her and her kids.

And she's said to me about herself more than once, "I'm damaged goods, I know it, I'm no trying to kid or con anybody and pretend I'm not. If they hang with me after the hard time I give them up front, them maybe  it'll work." She's only young so it'll be interesting to see what happens.

But her 'style' has saved her from a few creeps so far. One in particular. She took me and another friend to his house to meet him. I didn't like him at all but they both did. Financially secure, works out, nice body (shame about the head! but still what can you do) divorced train driver who breeds reptiles in his garage. Because his reptiles are worth a fortune he had CCTV camera's everywhere, and the biggest TV I've ever seen in my life. She was really getting to like him so she checked herself and decided it was time to get sus. Check him out. They hadn't slept together yet but had had a few picnic's with both their kids together and had started talking about the future.

They were having a picnic one day, kids playing and she just dumps it on him. "Do you like porn? I think it's only fair to tell you that I'm into it in a big way." What a pile of crap. She's as italian-catholic as they come, still goes to mass occasionally. He, the idiot, comes in spinner. He gets all excited and right into the topic. Tells her about he he too loves porn, he lives on the net, and then laughingly tells her that's why his wife left him. He thought it was funnythat his wife found out he was videoing her having sex with him on his CCTV outfit, and then he was putting it on the web FOR MONEY!!!!!! She didn't know. OMG! The poor thing. She threatened to sue him, so he gave her a good payout and she got the kids too, to shut her up.

And I can't believe how the ladies really like him and are drawn to him. He's such a complete fake. Yuk.

CG.