Hi, All. Such a productive thread going here.
I used to say to my therapist that some thought process or behavior of mine was "stupid" and she would stop me and rephrase it into:
"not productive". It helped me to back off on my judgments of myself, which were pretty intense.
my core beliefs that are not correct.
This (above) is, verbatim, what my most influential mentor taught me.
"Through our thoughts, feelings and beliefs, WE create our experience". I have seen this to be true! My father knew this, and now, 22 years after his death, I am finally understanding this "secret" that has been staring me in the face forever.
I guess I am wondering if anyone has just stood up and said, Not today.
ABSOLUTELY. That is the day I woke up. Lot of people here made that move!
I likened it to standing beside a crumbling brick wall for years, getting hit on the head repeatedly, and finally opening my eyes and saying "oh, hey, I better step away from this wall!". Then, of course, the ex started throwing the damn bricks over at me, but I got really good at seeing them coming!
I think the "acceptance" part is not to say "stay where you are and kill yourself making the best out of horrendous circumstances", but instead, for me, it was accepting that I was okay, as I was, "warts and all", and that I DID deserve to be treated with respect and true love (from myself, first and foremost). And when I forgot that, and fell into fear again, I allowed myself some compassion and knew it was ok, and that I could make a different choice anytime I wanted.
And it is a choice. That, I think, is still the hardest part for me to swallow. Because it gives us so much power, it's almost easier not to have it. It's a lot of responsibility, choosing for ourselves. Life will have all kinds of challenges, and thinking that we may have called them on is mind boggling.
So if it's too much to imagine that.....I just remember that these seemingly "random" experiences in life, are learning challenges and how I CHOOSE to respond to them is what makes me who I am. Not that they happened, but that I dealt with them in ways that are consistent with my CHOSEN core beliefs (not the inauthentic ones I had previously believed).
If I screw it up, and fall back into old response patterns....so what? I can do things differently next time.
I used to get so mad at myself if I let my ex rile me up. I had practiced detaching from his crap so much, that when he did something selfish that hurt the kids, I felt I HAD to say something. That is exactly WHY he did this, to "engage" me again. He was addicted to this exchange. And most of the time I could be aware of that, but when I got hooked (he knew the buttons to push....the kids) I would regret it (because it never actually changed anything....he's going to be an ass anyway). So I decided to stop regretting that, too. Why should I beat myself up for years of conditioning. I just said "ok, he got you this time, but not next time". Getting down on myself is NOT PRODUCTIVE, as my dear therapist would repeat.
Sela is right, it takes time, patience (with ourselves, mostly) and practice.
Sela has some great visualizations....I have found this a very helpful strategy (visualizing things). Honestly, it's how I learned how to change energy overtly (had done it for years without being aware....that's what us teachers do!!). It was especially helpful for me when my ex dumped his negativity on me. The practice I used is a little bit of Buddhist "Tung-len" meditation and a little of what Shakti Gawain explains in her book on intuition. Whatever works, is my motto.
It's hard to change our minds, but what more important work will you do in this life, than change your mind about yourself?
So good to hear from all of you ("old timers too!!!!)

love to you
Mum