Letting Go and letting God

[sweetgrass]

"Some one on the board, think it was Ami, that said that the People you need with present themselves when you need them. "
 
Sela, is this from you? if so Thanks for the reminder. Sure enough, a person has appeared in my life that i haven't had contact with for over 30 yrs! poof! he just appeared out of no where.

He has loved me for a long long time, and has wanted me to contact him. We were high school sweethearts. I would never contact him. One day I just picked up the phone and called him. It is just the strangest thing than i  one day just called him, and he was there to accept the call. God knew I needed someone. Ami, you are so right.

He and I will talk for hrs some days. After dealing with an N, he is a breathe of fresh air. I have no love interest in him, and he knows that. He is just there if i need to talk.

mo4, your comments are very insteresting, and thought provoking. I, like you, have taken my problems to the Lord,(many times) and some how they end up back in my lap. I understand how hard it is to rid yourself of the things that seems to be robbing me of my joy.

On the way to work this morning, I ask God, again, to help me get this man out of my head, and to give me back my joy.

mum, great post! thanks!

Sweetgrass

[Ami]

Dear Sweetgrass,
  I am so, very,very happy that you found someone good to connect with. That is so great . God brought me a loving female friend in a supernatural way   Love  Ami

[moonlight52]

I guess you can say I am an oldtimer and have not posted in a while....

MO4 and Sweetgrass just to give an example of letting go and letting God I too have had a dear friend contact me out of the blue
and it really has been such a blessing after 20 some odd years a girlfriend from high school has come back into my life
and we see each other every month or so we just picked up like it had only been yesterday...................... so cool

MO4 I understand needing to recharge and mourning painful experiences... you sound strong and also I want to let you know what a great thread
this is thank you.

Sela I have found myself making positive choices instead of falling into old patterns for the first time in my life.
Positive self talk after a life full of self doubt and feelings of worthlessness.

I also love the visual of a pry bar for the brain unsticking negative thoughts.
I really love telling yourself it's OK to be human and to make mistakes that lets a person get rid of black and white thinking
and lets your compassion shine for self and others................

Sela love back and Happy Summer days and I do love your quilting posts with MS....

Hi Ami ................ so glad you found a new friend!!!


much love
moonlight

[motheroffour]

Ok.  I get it that it is a process.  And I am understanding more and more of what that  healing processing entails.  I hear you saying that much of the healing processing is out of my control...meaning I need to let myself go through it, whatever "it" is.  I hear you saying that you take what comes with acceptance.  A friend may present itself, it may not.  etc. But I also hear you saying that it is all about choices.  Choosing how to deal with the pain.  Maybe it is a balancing act between letting it do what it needs to do and controlling the way I receive it.?.   I guess I am wondering if anyone has just stood up and said, Not today.  Not one more day will my N control my thoughts.  Not one more day will my pain keep me from happiness and thinking I am good.  Isn't there some line in the sand?  or maybe it is just a choice for how we deal with pain, right?  Choosing to marinate in it or choosing to listen to it and let it go.  I hear you saying that the pain may not stop but my choices for how I deal -- that is what I can control.  And what if I want to choose the line in the sand.  Not one more day, why doesn't that stick?  I have devoted nearly 17 years to healing. ( Most of which, I spent lost and in hurtful patterns/relationships)  But I want some traction.  Anybody feel me on this?

Probably not making much sense.  Trying to think outloud.

[Sela]

Mof4,

You're making sense to me.  Why won't the line in the sand stick?

It will but it will take time and repition.  You can decide to draw a line in the sand and that's fantastic!  Then, you will have to consistently reinforce your decision to yourself.  I think it's simply a matter of habit and small steps.  We get in the habit of doing one thing and we have to retrain ourselves to do something else.  It doesn't happen just because we make up our minds for it to happen.

And it will not likely happen unless we make up our minds to make it happen and then give it time.

It's the law of repition and consistency. 

Eg.  I cried every single day, often a number of times per day, for over 2 years.  Then one day I decided:  "That's it!  I'm not going to cry today!"  It was tough but I kept reminding myself of my decision and changing my thinking every time I felt the urge to cry.  I made it through the day.  And the next day.  And a couple more after that.  Then I cried a whole day but decided I would not give up because of the setback.  I would keep trying and forget the day I cried and remember all the days I didn't cry.  So I went for a couple more days and so on.  Soon it was a whole week!  Then a month!!  Eventually, the habit was broken and my decision was realized.  No miracle.  No ease.  Nothing drastic.

Just wee steps in the direction one wants to go and no quitting because of back steps.

I am still battling stuff/making changes.....have more I want to work on..... but I believe....with enough time and effort....eventually, my decisions will stick, if I keep working at it and reminding myself to keep going.

Hope this helps. 

Sela

[motheroffour]

Ahhhh.... sela.  Thanks.  The lightbulb.  Your comments help thank you.  Moments when it all comes together. 
-mof4

[confused2]

Hey guys,
I saw my Therapist on yesterday. We talked about choices. He wanted to know how much of my day was spent on thinking of my xN. When I told him, he explained to me that my thoughts were my choice, and I had to force myself not to think of him. He said it was possible to make myself stop thinking of him, and  had to force myself to stop my thoughts. 

He said everytime N came to my mind, I am to tell myself, I am not going to think of you. I am going to think of my children, my mother,work, or anything other than the N. Once I say that to the thought, I am to start thinking of the thing that i just stated I would think of.

He reminded me of what all Believers in Christ should be doing with unwanted thoughts. He gave me a scripture. If any of you would like to read it, it is from 2Corth.10vs 5:

"...We cast out/down every thought into obedience of Christ Jesus." The thoughts that are making us crazy, dealing with the N, are not from Christ Jesus.

We must make ourselves aware of what we are thinking and not let our minds go that way. Another good reference for us is to read, "Battlefield of the mind."(Joyce Meyer) I had forgotten about that book until just now. I think I am going to pull if off of my shelf, and see if it will help me.

When he told me that I could control my thoughts, it was like taking a cool drink on a hot day.  After my prayer this morning, my thoughts of him have not been as intense as the normally are about the N, so I have not had to pull my thoughts down today. Why don't we try this and see what happens.

This is one of the most helpful threads that I have read. Thank all of you for your sharing your thoughts and your love. Ami, keep fighting, you are going to win. Mo4, I am glad you have found this board. You will find solace here. We all have to give ourselves a break, and remember the world wasn't formed in one day. We  have to take one step at a time.(baby steps) Today, likely will be harder than yesterday, but we know that some days will be better, and hopefully, we will wake up just not allowing them to still our joy at all. 

We don't have to win the fight, we just have to hear the final bell.

I think the answer for our healing lies in our Faith....

You guys are great! I am so glad I found you...

Sweetgrass

[Sela]

Wow!  Ami!  A masters in psychology!  That's a wonderful accomplishment!  Good for you!

I decided to honor my growth,yesterday

You made a decision and you reminded yourself of your decision and stood up for yourself later in the day!  Wonderful!! 

I must honor my internal compass.

Another very good decision!  Don't forget to remind yourself!!


Hey Sweetgrass!

I love the smell of your name!!

and I had to force myself not to think of him.

I had to really work at doing this.  I decided not to think about my abusers but man o' man they kept getting into my head!  It was like a battle and I told myself exactly:  "I'm not going to think about that" and I substituted a topic I would think about and eventually......I won!!  It took a lonnnnnnng time tho! 

Keep going Sweetgrass!  You will make it!

When he told me that I could control my thoughts, it was like taking a cool drink on a hot day.

It sounds so easy and has a "why didn't I think of that?" ring to it eh?  What a relief!!  It's true that most of us don't even think about controlling what we think about.  Why should we?  That sounds a bit odd doesn't it?  And then we get the idea that we do not have any control over our thoughts.

Thing is.....when our thoughts are causing us to focus on stuff that we cannot do a thing about.....or stuff that is harming us.......or stuff that is illegal, immoral or unhealthy......then we are the only ones who can take control and change our thinking (to take care/protect/improve ourselves).  We do have power!!

The same thing happens when we allow ourselves to think "unflattering" thoughts about ourselves.
We think it and think it and think it and eventually.....we believe it and even act on it.
In order to change all that we have to catch those thoughts, pronounce that we won't think about that any more, instruct ourselves to think otherwise and keep doing it ....over and over until we believe the substituted thoughts and begin to act on them.

This is one of the most helpful threads that I have read.

Maybe we should copy it to the "what helps" board?

Sela

[motheroffour]

Thank you for your focus on the practicing the healthy thoughts.  I feel strengthened in that reguard.  I feel like perhaps I have spent enough time...for now anyway...focusing on my pain.  I need to put more of my energies into attacking my core beliefs that are not correct.  Or at least, focusing on the stuff I want to believe about myself and acting "as if" I believed it.   Wish I wasn't such an applause junkie.  Wish I didn't need such exterior feedback to tell me that am good.  Think I may be getting better......Thanks for all your feedback.  Feels good to orient myself to your ideas.

--mof4

[Sela]

Hi Mof4,

Wish I wasn't such an applause junkie.  Wish I didn't need such exterior feedback to tell me that am good.

Maybe this is something that was missing when you were growing up?  Did your parents applaud you and give you good feedback...tell you you are good? 

Mine didn't.  Any mistakes/flaws were clearly pointed out, though. 

This is something we have to learn to do for ourselves, (applaud/give positive feedback), now that we're adults and even, if we've learned to pay more attention to our errors/flaws.  You're not alone in having to work on it, Mof4!  It is changable! (same rules of repitition and consistency apply).

One thing I did, which might sound ridiculous but it really helped me......

Every time someone made a positive comment to me....I wrote it on a little slip of paper and put the paper in a jar.  I was quite surprised, once I started paying attention to the nice things people say....at how much I was missing/not paying attention to.  I'm no angel or wonder....I'm just a person.  But people do say nice things, sometimes, and I used to pay little heed (in my head).  I'd say thanks, for compliments but never really took them in.  Once I did the jar thingy......I made myself read those little pieces of paper and I had interesting discussions with myself (mentally) about how the comment is valid and the person has a point, which I decided to accept.  It's not like it all went to my head (a worry one might have) or anything but it did help with my self esteem and to get me out of....negative thoughts about myself mode.

Or you could make a list of your good points/traits and keep it handy......add to it......each time you follow through with a decision;  every time you notice something good about yourself and every time you feel confident.

You ARE good Mof4!  You do deserve applause for all you've been through and for all you are trying to accomplish!  I would gladly cheer you on, if I could only get in your head ( .....now that's too weird!).   Keep going!  Believe in your ability to think yourself to a better place!  You can do it and it can become a habit!

Sela

[mum]

Hi, All. Such a productive thread going here.

I used to say to my therapist that some thought process or behavior of mine  was "stupid" and she would stop me and rephrase it into:
"not productive". It helped me to back off on my judgments of myself, which were pretty intense.

my core beliefs that are not correct.

This (above) is, verbatim, what my most influential mentor taught me.
"Through our thoughts, feelings and beliefs, WE create our experience". I have seen this to be true! My father knew this, and now, 22 years after his death, I am finally understanding this "secret" that has been staring me in the face forever.

I guess I am wondering if anyone has just stood up and said, Not today.

ABSOLUTELY. That is the day I woke up.  Lot of people here made that move!
I likened it to standing beside a crumbling brick wall for years, getting hit on the head repeatedly, and finally opening my eyes and saying "oh, hey, I better step away from this wall!". Then, of course, the ex started throwing the damn bricks over at me, but I got really good at seeing them coming!

I think the "acceptance" part is not to say "stay where you are and kill yourself making the best out of horrendous circumstances", but instead, for me, it was accepting that I was okay, as I was, "warts and all", and that I DID deserve to be treated with respect and true love (from myself, first and foremost).  And when I forgot that, and fell into fear again, I allowed myself some compassion  and knew it was ok, and that I could make a different choice anytime I wanted.

And it is a choice. That, I think, is still the hardest part for me to swallow. Because it gives us so much power, it's almost easier not to have it. It's a lot of responsibility, choosing for ourselves. Life will have all kinds of challenges, and thinking that we may have called them on is mind boggling.
So if it's too much to imagine that.....I just remember that these seemingly "random" experiences in life, are learning challenges and how I CHOOSE to respond to them is what makes me who I am. Not that they happened, but that I dealt with them in ways that are consistent with my CHOSEN core beliefs (not the inauthentic ones I had previously believed).
If I screw it up, and fall back into old response patterns....so what? I can do things differently next time.

I used to get so mad at myself if I let my ex rile me up. I had practiced detaching from his crap so much, that when he did something selfish that hurt the kids, I felt I HAD to say something. That is exactly WHY he did this, to "engage" me again. He was addicted to this exchange. And most of the time I could be aware of that, but when I got hooked (he knew the buttons to push....the kids) I would regret it (because it never actually changed anything....he's going to be an ass anyway). So I decided to stop regretting that, too. Why should I beat myself up for years of conditioning. I just said "ok, he got you this time, but not next time". Getting down on myself is NOT PRODUCTIVE, as my dear therapist would repeat.

Sela is right, it takes time, patience (with ourselves, mostly) and practice.
Sela has some great visualizations....I have found this a very helpful strategy (visualizing things). Honestly, it's how I learned how to change energy overtly (had done it for years without being aware....that's what us teachers do!!). It was especially helpful for me when my ex dumped his negativity on me. The practice I used is a little bit of Buddhist "Tung-len" meditation and a little of what Shakti Gawain explains in her book on intuition. Whatever works, is my motto.

It's hard to change our minds, but what more important work will you do in this life, than change your mind about yourself?

So good to hear from all of you ("old timers too!!!!)

love to you
Mum

[motheroffour]

Thank you. Mum.  Kinda feel like you just changed the subject of this thread to "Changing my mind about myself."  Boy it is the toughest work.  I am ready to really work in that arena.  Thank you for pointing me there.

[mum]

Hey, Mof4. I'll reel it back in!

"Letting go and letting God":
The concept of "god" is different for everyone. If you will indulge this broad concept:
God as unconditional love, or all positive power of the universe, that which all humans have as our core and birthright
and aspire to connect to:
Then having faith that all of our choices, done in love, with love as a driving force, will fall out exactly as needed. Just as God/the universe/unconditional love intend for us.

It's all okay. All is exactly as it should be, including us, our struggles, our dreams and our choices in getting those dreams manifested.
Our minds and thoughts drive our beliefs, and (Sela put this better) thus our choices and behavior. If we can align ourselves with love, and make choices in love..........then letting go is where we stop worrying and trying to control it all. We let it go, and trust that what is meant to be, in our best interest, will occur.

Mum

[motheroffour]

Oh goodness, don't reel it back in.  Just trying to say I loved what you said.  Feeling like changing my mind about myself is letting go of my need to believe the lies.  love you latest comment too.