living alone and wanting to make a change

[Dawning]

Hi.  This is my first message.  I'm a busy person living alone in a large metropolitan Asian city.  I was brought up in the USA and have lived abroad since 1987 at the age of 23.  I've been married once.  Now, I am approaching 40 in this city and - as a female - do not see prospects for the type of healthy communicative relationship(s) I would like.  I have no children but two cats.  

I have been in therapy for 4 years (weekly) and I know what my fears are and how my inner child was hurt.  So many of the posts I have read I can completely relate to.  I wish some of you lived here where I am at.

Finally, now, I am at the point of wanting to make a change for real instead of ruminating in my frustration.  The hard part is getting home from work and having no one to talk to - friends, lovers or otherwise.  I get all these ideas at work about how to make the big move out of this city (where I will always be an outsider on account of my DNA) and I write them down but, once I get home, I lose all momentum and just curl up on the sofa staring at the TV.  

So I would like to know if anyone can relate and, if so, how did you get over the loneliness of living alone - having no one to talk to and no encouragement and no push - to change your life which would require huge resources of energy seeing as how I would have to pick another country to live in and what to do once I got there.  No support.

It is a little scary to write a first post to a group where our situations are so real and so valid and yet so delicate and needing to be "heard."  I will try and do my part to respond to the posts as best I can.  I can commit to 2 hours a week to this board and maybe I can help and give support too.

Thanks for hearing me,

Dawning (in hope.)

[Portia]

Big welcome Dawning! This struck me:

I lose all momentum and just curl up on the sofa staring at the TV

Sounds like me in a bad patch, or it could just be that you’re tired! Are you working long hours, weekends etc? And therapy is fine but what about career counselling? Do you enjoy your job? Do you enjoy things outside of work?
Don’t be scared, please! Talk some more…P
PS. Changing country is a huge step. Is that your biggest wish, or is it to find a friend/lover? And you say “ruminating in my frustration” (lovely phrase!): is that frustration with external things (work/environment) or internal (you want to change you)?
By the way, I feel like I’m standing on a similar precipice (?) and am procrastinating with vigour!

[Tokyojim]

Hello,

I wanted to first write a quick reply because I think I can understand your situation to some degree.  I used to have a love-hate relationship with Japan.  I often wondered what I was doing there and had self-doubts and thought that maybe I was running away from something, couldn't adjust to the U.S. for the wrong reasons, etc.  I used to feel that I would never really be part of the culture.

One thing that I discovered, and it may or may not relate to your situation.  When I started becoming frustrated with the host country and/or its people, what was really going on was homesickness.  Homesickness due to fatigue, from lack of familiar things, etc.  A vicious downward cycle can ensue in which you start to doubt everything about yourself, your life.  You feel you can never belong there and seem isolated, yet it seems impossible to return to your native land and have a real and meaningful life.  I remember.....

[rosencrantz]

Hi Dawning - Gave me the shivers as I remembered what it was like living alone in Paris years ago.  Relationship split up.  Lots of acquaintances.  No close friends, and no cosy 'local' places to go - it was all tourists or people who wanted to be 'seen' by the media, etc.  An alien culture full of outsiders.  My solution was to 'come back home'.

Coming back home may seem too much like going back to the 'real' home of childhood but I needed to be back in my own country to settle for and commit to the future.  I really didn't want to live in exile my whole life.

Have you ever read Colin Wilson, The Outsider?  I can't even remember what it's about but it spoke to me at the time.

Shiver.

Which is worse - facing change or facing stasis?????  Give me change any day!

About this board - take when you need to, give when you can.  No-one has any expectations of you as far as I know (except yourself!  )
R

[Dawning]

Big welcome Dawning! This struck me:

I lose all momentum and just curl up on the sofa staring at the TV

Sounds like me in a bad patch, or it could just be that you’re tired! Are you working long hours, weekends etc? And therapy is fine but what about career counselling? Do you enjoy your job? Do you enjoy things outside of work?
Don’t be scared, please! Talk some more…P

No long hours unless a big translation job comes in and I don't mind doing that.  I enjoy my work but I feel I just fell into it haphazardly just like I ended up here in this city.  Outside of work, I have no friends or support group here.  I will go to a support group meeting of children from dysfunctional families this weekend.  Maybe I will meet some understanding people there.  Could also do some volunteer work but maybe - yes -  always "too tired."

I have a lot of potential but if I stay in my current situation, I am scared the potential will drain away from me and then I will be at the mercy of my divorced N Mother and Father (only child) again so you can see what I must be setting myself up for.  Only I won't do it.   So I stay here - away from her and her game-playing tactics.  Most of my family has disowned my mother.  Different story.  Just got in touch with my father after 20 years.  Emailing each other sometimes. We have very different perspectives but I am attempting to be open while keeping the healthy boundaries.

But I know I can overcome this lack of motivation.  My intuition brought me to this group.  I just don't know how to get motivated once I get home from work.  How to get on the Internet and keep reaching, reaching out.  My cousin said to never give up hope because hope is one thing no one can take away from you.  But hope alone isn't going to get my a*se off the sofa and out of my melancholy.  I am just so tired of not making any preparations for my future.   Other foreign women in this city feel alienated too but everyone deal with it in their own way.  

My interests are: middle eastern studies, forensic anthroplogy, public health and activism (that is what is on my list so far......)  I am very well-travelled.  Been to 25 countries with a backpack.

Yes, I very well may be tired.  Need to make a schedule.  It seems like such a battle when it should be exciting.  

Thanks for listening to my voice and for welcoming me.  

Dawning.

[Portia]

Please don’t be so hard on yourself! Dream with me a minute….what would be exciting? Fun? Just pure fun? Where are you laughing? What’s your picture? Is it outside, with green trees…or inside, with a cosy fire…or ….how many people, if any?...can I be there too please, it sounds good already! I jest, but I am serious (this is me off on a hunch, no training, no qualifications, no nothing, just reaching out over a long way, ok?)
Thanks for your reply Dawning.   P

PS. I don't mean to be pushy....just a feeling!...bye for now, P

[Tokyojim]

Dawning,

A couple of quick comments and questions if you do not mind.

You sound literally exhausted!  Is it possible to ease up on yourself, just for a little while?

A question: How long have you been feeling this way?

[Dawning]

THANKS for asking those questions, Portia.  Thanks for reaching out.  I am going to ask myself those questions.  Need a bit of confidence but that is another thing, isn't it?  The voiceless and our issues with confidence.  The only thing I am confident about is getting on a plane and landing and having immigration stamp my passport thus "accepting me."  I know that sounds pretty weird.  I would like to at least buy a house somewhere.  I sent an email  tonight to a Japanese woman who bought property in Australia asking if I could meet her and discuss how she did this.  We shall see if she responds.

Dawning.

[Dawning]

Dawning,

A couple of quick comments and questions if you do not mind.

You sound literally exhausted!  Is it possible to ease up on yourself, just for a little while?

A question: How long have you been feeling this way?

Exhausted, yes, when I get home.  When I am engaged in a project or completely involved in something at work, I have boundless energy but then I get home and this little voice inside me says, "don't do anything about your future.  just be happy for now and the fact that you are safe."

thanks,
Dawning.

[Tokyojim]

Dawning,

And how long have you been feeling or thinking this way?  (If you don't mind my asking.)

That sounds like you are on the right track, meeting the lady and discussing hopeful things.  Even if it does not pan out, it can be refreshing to have some plans, hopes, optimism.

It appears that you may be in Japan.  I was there two weeks ago, in time for the cherry blossoms.  Went to the Kichijoji park.

[write]

Exhausted, yes, when I get home. When I am engaged in a project or completely involved in something at work, I have boundless energy but then I get home and this little voice inside me says, "don't do anything about your future. just be happy for now and the fact that you are safe."


are you lonely? You say you haven't found the kind of relationships you'd like, but maybe you still need them/ need to look for them? Being busy isn't quite enough somehow, is it, plus if you're exhausting yourself...

This is a great article http://www.adv-leadership-grp.com/articles/goalsetting.htm & scroll down for a model of a balanced life- I've stuck mine on the fridge ( by my roosting post! ) and whenever I feel out of balance I look at it and look at what I'm needing.

Quite often it's the simplest thing- like good food, exercise, or just a sleep! Sometimes it's a whole area of life getting neglected. I recently found the church for me, something I had neglected and been cynical about for years, and the last piece of the puzzle slid into place...

Living in another culture is hard sometimes, but the internet has great resources to find ex-pat groups etc. for a bit of 'home' and info about your city so you can find something appeals to you. Google-search rules! In my experience the relationships follow.

[Jasmine]

Dawning,

In a hurry- so hope all makes sense, without too many typos!

I can relate to your message very much.  I have been in "emotional  exhile" as well, for many years, though only a few hours from my childhood place of upbringing.

I also feel this sense of being alone with no support.  The no support feeling is a biggie, and it is truly such a lonely and painful feeling.  To my surprise, I discovered that this is a feeling I have always, always had, stemming from childhood stuff.   I think for me, it might be a perception thing, that gets played out in a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Though knowing that does not make it one darn bit easier to change it  

I also feel very lethargic to do what I know I need to, to change things.  Here are the main reasons why I think this is the case for me.  Maybe you might relate:

1) If I'm really self honest, I have fears about the things I want to move toward, and so begin to feel really overwhelmed about facing what I want.  I then want to "veg out" or keep myself distracted, as an avoidance thing.

2) To some extent I think I am emotional depressed (due to years of situational "less than idea living" and life stress), and this causes lack of focus, energy,  motivation.

3) I become hopeless and doubtful of my ability to accomplish what I want, because I start thinking about how alone I am, and how little support I have.   Again, a perception thing.  Part of it is also a lack of self belief/confidence...   From childhood, I never developed a healthy self-esteem(though it gets better with age & working on it) and this contributes to my ever present feeling of being alone in the world, I'm sure....

Keep sharing- I hope that the board facilitates your healing & growth...

[Wildflower]

Hi Dawning!  Welcome aboard!

I have a lot of potential but if I stay in my current situation, I am scared the potential will drain away from me and then I will be at the mercy of my divorced N Mother and Father (only child) again so you can see what I must be setting myself up for.

I am just so tired of not making any preparations for my future.

I think I’ve been where you are, Dawning.  At least, it sounds like you’re going through a bit of depression – especially if you’ve been feeling this way for a while.  When you’re in this place, sometimes even the smallest things can feel so overwhelming.  So maybe think about what you want to do over the next week instead of trying to plan your whole future?  Just try to do two things this week for an hour each – and then curl up on your sofa for tv (and a little patting on the back ).   It’s obvious to me that you’re ready and willing to get moving.  Just gotta get inertia going in your favor a little.  Give yourself a nice little push.  Emphasis on little.   The rest will take care of itself, I bet.

If thoughts of your parents are keeping you planted, is there a way that you can make a different move?  A move in the direction of home but not Home home?  Visit an old friend perhaps?  Just brainstorming really.

I loved Portia’s questions.  Definitely give yourself a little time to dream and wander mentally among some simple pleasures and wants.  These positive thoughts have a way of blossoming and taking over.

I am very well-travelled. Been to 25 countries with a backpack.

That must have been great fun wandering around with a backpack through so many different places, bumping into so many different people.  Were you traveling with others?  Must have been lots of great adventures!  What was the best thing that happened to you during your wanderings?

Wildflower

[Dawning]

And how long have you been feeling or thinking this way? (If you don't mind my asking.)

I have felt stuck in my personal life - and in Japan - off and on since 1998.
I can't see staying here forever or much longer and I am going through a period of kicking myself in the a*rse for staying here throughout my thirties  and now feeling like I am going to turn 40 and I am still without any community or healthy family-type group and personal energy wavers on a daily basis.  I feel like I could be a lot more grounded.  Even moving into new rental accomodation would help, but it is too much of a financial investment here because of all the money one needs up-front to move.

All three of Jasmine's points apply to me.  Never looked at it that way.  But I did lose my joie d'vivre and it is really, really, hard the days leading up to my 40th b/day in a couple of weeks and knowing that I may never give birth and why didn't I realize that I wanted to have children until it was too late.  Mind you, I also told myself that I wouldn't marry *any* man who was interested in me - it had to be mutual and based on respect not neediness.  But now I found myself feeling needy and can't get my needs met here - not now anyway.  But Jasmine's three points apply and that is the downward.  But I don't wanna go down any further.

Wildflower, you mentioned inertia.  That must be in there too.  Cause when I think what a move out of the country would entail - international shipping, quarantine for the cats, putting cats on airplane for fight...it sounds overwhelming.  I also wonder if I can fit in to the American way of life (that I didn't like very much to begin with when I originally left)   That is okay, I tell myself, I can find like-minded Americans on the net, etc.  But I have a love/hate relationship with living abroad and it will be almost twenty years that I have lived abroad - that is a long time.  Is there a way out?  Oh, H*ll.  Might as well flop on the sofa and have a cigarette.  I have time.  That was my modus operandi but now, turning 40, I feel like I have no time.  And I am angry that I can't take steps forward...that I am afraid to take steps forward.  What if i make a mistake.  can I afford to make a mistake at 40?  with my little savings?  i would have to buy a car in the states too....don't much like the idea of that either.  Flop on the sofa again and tell myself how good I have it here.  That everyone feels lonely and, hey, lving next to a 4 lane major road is not so bad.  At least I have a home.  so, i should just shut up and be happy.  urgh!!!  I don't want to keep thinking like that.  therapy did not help with this issues.  she listened and that was about it.  i thought, in therapy, that we were supposed to get to the bottom of what the real issue was.  I identified my dysfunctional family problems so that is good.

If thoughts of your parents are keeping you planted, is there a way that you can make a different move? A move in the direction of home but not Home home? Visit an old friend perhaps? Just brainstorming really.

Good idea but I don't have very many friends left there that are the supportive sort.  I guess, way back then, a supportive environment was not what I asked of my friends.  But thanks for the suggestion.

Write, I just glanced at the link you posted but it looks very, very good.  Thanks for thinking of me and offering suggestions too.

I know there is no silver bullet.  I know only I have the answers.  I make a goal - like going to the support group at the church today- but I did not go because I stayed out too late last night.  My reason for going out?  To meet people, to be around people.  

I'm sorry to be whining like this.  It makes me so angry that I am this passive about my life.  I know it is up to me.  I'm hoping that once my birthday comes and goes that I will calm down a little and take steps to change my life.  

Writing here helps.  Reading the posts - all of them inspirational - helps.  I need this board right now.  Each and every one of you is helping me and I thank you and want you to know that.

Dawning (about to turn 40 and feeling introverted.)

p.s.  I did send an email to a man who wrote an article I liked.  I asked if he was single and he wrote back and said yes.  i've never done anything like that before.  I think he is in canada.  I also had a conversation with someone last night - once I got over my fears of speaking - and he said "you have to challenge your comfort zone."  so i think I need to get feedback right now from the right people.  and, except for this board, meeting the right people in this city has been hit or miss and at random for the last 6 years of my life.

[Dawning]

Also, see that my first long paragraph ended up as a quote.  apologies for the confusion.  I'll get the hang of the quote procedure soon.