Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Emotional isolation: alone and/or lonely
kelly8893:
HI Guys! Not sure of the thread here but it seems that we all are coming to grips with being alone or not getting too close because we can't or won't trust people or have the people skills to know if people are being nice or otherwise? I have been struggling with such a thing myself. I came home crying yesterday and didn't even really know why.
I do have clues? I left an alcoholic husband of 17 years for a Major N for 8 years and I am on my own for the first time since leaving them and I am trusted out!!??!!!!??!!!!! I keep a small group of friends and have made friendly with my new group of people that I have now worked with for a month but any signs of doing much more than that is way out of the question!!!!!! I can't even trust myself to not be nice or too nice so I hold back and then that makes me alone or lonely or feeling socially inepted.
I have 2 wonderful children that I have been blessed with so we always have a good time and they make friends and have them over and do a really good job of entertaining but when it is "my" turn I just clam up.
My mother was a manic depressive skitso, I am not saying that to be mean or otherwise she really was and we never did anything let alone entertain. I went home from school and watched tv or played outside, you never want to make noise with people like my mother, they come unglued and then all H--- breaks loose. She was not shy about telling people her opinion about what she thought, even it it meant something so unbelieveable. So I have this big black hole of nothingness to show for my being "too nice" and keeping my distance so people don't see the hurt underneath the smile.
I know now that I have this history and me being the oldest I got the roll of being the mother figure since mine was way out in her own little world. So I got the double whamy because I had to grow up real fast. I was making dinner by the time I was 10 and getting up to catch the bus as well by myself and getting my 2 siblings off as well. 10 years old and all grown up how sad and know wonder I made such a mess out of choosing such loser men!!!!!!
I hope in my next 40 years I get to grow up a little normal and make better choices but I am having a hard time doing that when I am trusted out and can't be too nice anymore. Thanks for listening and always being there you guys are the best!!! Have a great weekend!
Kelly
Nic:
Hi Portia,
Thanks for starting a new thread..i've come back after a few days of R and R..during this time I haven't access to the Internet and so it's communication delayed until today.
Didn't mean to leave you hanging, you and Rosencrantz..It appears you thought you (pl.) had misinterpreted what I wrote or could have..not so. I think this is the one safe place I can be completely honest about everything..i feel surrounded by plenty of love, acceptance and support from you all but most especially RESPECT for my personhood. Thank you.. :cry:
First off, Rosencrantz: IN response to what happened to the marriage?..very long story but not tragic by any means. It seems that my life plan includes all kinds of experiences and situations which to me have always seemed unusual..it's hard to answer you without some beating around the bush..after all I'm am an INFJ..and it says i'm very private! By answering you from the heart, I am bringing this introversion-to- a-fault out. I realized last week while reading up on my personality type that this has absolutely to be answered in my quest for balance..here goes..
About a month ago, I connected to a very special human being. It hit me like a ton of bricks, touched my heart, rang some very loud bells. I met up with another "male" ( :roll: )..not in any particular context, not in a particular place but well within the context of my daily life and work. I knew instantly there was something there..and there was. Brains and sensitivity and brute honesty..( not to mention green-blue eyes and a body to kill!.. :D ..sorry just kidding and feeling giddy..like i'm 12!)
I had visited that world in my younger years,( against my will as a child!) and decided that "the culture" bothered me...mixed in were feelings of guilt and shame as always :roll: ..I had lived this gay thing before and decided against it because of that..7 year relationship with someone before I waved goodbye to the shame and guilt. In fact, I had written off all further relationships..until I met my best friend ( present wife) and decided companionship was what I wanted and therefore we married.
A marriage of emotional convenience based on strong Protestant ethics. You see I was born Catholic and raised Anglican. I must have done alot of work in the past two years to come to this point in my life. As much as I have/had made decisions to flee from shame and guilt, the latter became so intolerable that I decided to face those two little f*cks! I obviously have come to the point where I have zero tolerance for the destructiveness of shame and guilt in my life.
Now, this doesn't mean I'm becoming some cheap, promiscuous floozie ( correct spelling? :wink: ) who doesn't give a damn..it simply means that I have to stop burrying myself in what guilt and shame make me do. That would be: fear rejection and abandonment ( well trained in this too Dr.G!), giving to others and never to myself, expecting the worst when I could be working toward the best, catastrophizing, denying myself pleasure ( sexual and otherwise..) and just simply not thinking of myself as worthwhile...the list is long but i'm sure you get the point. AND., the worst one being NOT BEING MYSELF! I can't stand not being myself anymore on every level...I can't be 99% authentic anymore! I want the full 100%..I want to take the risk to know and be myself once and for all..I want to be FREEEEEEEEEEE! :cry: Is that not what we all want for ourselves..oh wait : if we're true ACONs and voiceless we would want that for others first right? :x
It's time to not only get myself a life, but to be a life. I don't want to be the wood on the fire anymore, I want to be the flame that ignites it!
I am not into justifying my existance within the context of global discussions/trends/taboos. Hence, it is not an expression of my sexual preference per se but rather a statement, honest and genuine and terribly vulnerable of ME. Born that way, nurtured into it, I don't care how I happened, how and why I am the way I am..I don't want to know anymore, it just is and I am what I am..
No more secrets, no more silence. I did tell my wife, because I couldn't have done it any other way..her response: I don't want you to hate yourself, ever! :cry: :cry: My own parents never said that to me! Well that reinforced our bond while loosening the grip, and the rest will be history.
In case you're thinking about how I would feel were it the other way around..well..been there and ..done that. This is the first time in my life where I am not victimized. Strangely, i'm the "persecutor" and even more strangely the literature seems to suggest that I should be that once in a while to resolve issues! Oi!
I hope this doesn't sound like an apology..i could go on for hours with this post. Residual guilt and shame? yeah for sure..it's been a way of life for me.
This new relationship, remember in the other thread i referred to "him" as disturbed to a degree..f*ck, I"m disturbed to a degree! I'm going with it because it's there and it's not cliche, and it feels good, but above all it feels meant! ( now that's cliche..sorry :oops: !) I'm just going down the river, My river..grabbing on to whatever happiness is passing..It's like my unknown ( to me..) self is inviting me, pleading with me to stop foregoing joy and peace. I can't resist being " happy" anymore..I won't :!:
Have you seen the movie " The Unsaid" ? My life and the life of my partner has a lot to do with that movie. It would help me if you all rented it and viewed it shortly...In it, the main character expresses the change he wants for his life with these words, which i've borrowed. I WANT TO BE FREE. I need it, it's time.
Hopefully Portia you'll see how this relates to your post. I hope the above encourages you to grab and hold on to expressions of friendship and appreciation toward you, whether this be by neighbours, co workers etc. If you weren't as wonderful as they think you are, trust me, they wouldn't bother with you. It is possible to learn how to love ourselves. So we're all a little late on that one..but it's never too late! Portia, you're wonderful, thanks for your posts..and thanks for reading this long diatribe. It's from the heart..
Love Nic.
Portia:
Dear all, I’m going to come back to this thread and talk to you all but I have to say right now (and I’m tempted to do it in bright lilac and yellow coloured capitals but I shall desist):
Nic! :o (((((((((Nic))))))))) I am so damn happy for you!! Great big smile across my dopey face. :D
--- Quote ---Brains and sensitivity and brute honesty.
--- End quote ---
Why oh why are these men always gay for goodness sake???! I’m joking. But can I be envious? I’m envious!
--- Quote ---A marriage of emotional convenience based on strong Protestant ethics. You see I was born Catholic and raised Anglican.
I have zero tolerance for the destructiveness of shame and guilt in my life.
Now, this doesn't mean I'm becoming some cheap, promiscuous floozie
--- End quote ---
I love the phrase ‘emotional convenience’. Don’t ask why – I’m working on it. But you’ve helped me. Also I wanted to quote the four sentences above and say look - this is Nic! Compare the top of the quote with the bottom – you’re amazing Nic – and your last sentence above made me guffaw.
--- Quote ---To be a life
--- End quote ---
Simple but effective, this is a new-to-my-ears phrase that I just might hang onto, ok? I’ve probably heard it before but scoffed at it, Brenda-sixfeetunder-style, ‘yeah right’. Funny how these words take on new meaning when you can really hear them. Not just voiceless but hard of hearing too, I think. Would that be earless?
--- Quote ---I hope this doesn't sound like an apology
--- End quote ---
Now just stop that right there! Your post is wonderful, no apologies there, none needed. It’s just honest. Breath-taking.
--- Quote ---I can't resist being " happy" anymore..I won't
--- End quote ---
Fantastic! I love this! :D
--- Quote ---It would help me if you all rented it and viewed it shortly
--- End quote ---
Nic, you’re joking right? What, or who, were you ‘channelling’ when you wrote this bit? Hey we love you, but we ain’t taking that love to the video store! Unless the film is really that great? Is it….? Or are you in your heart telling us to get it for ourselves? Ahh! Maybe it just reads funny. :?
And one from early in your post because it’s hilarious:
--- Quote ---it's hard to answer you without some beating around the bush
--- End quote ---
I’m being very crude! (Does this cross cultures?) I’m sorry but I couldn’t resist, it’s too good. :D Ha ha ha! Even funnier because you didn’t intend to pun! It’s very funny! :D I laughed out loud *snort*. Oh aren’t I terrible? :wink:
Nic, thank you for your post. You brightened my whole day and I am so, so happy for you. How you’ve turned your life around! It’s like you’re shining! 8) And yes, it’s all so very relevant. Hope to hear more sometime about how it all goes…. Love, P
Nic:
Hi Portia, thanks for your response...I thought I had written a terrific response using the "quote" function but when I pressed submit it came out all wrong...please pause now and consider explaining to me how this function works? i've been here a while and have been too embarrassed to ask and too dumb to figure it out by myself! :oops:
You can be envious for a while...then go find yourself that special someone..unless he's there right now and you haven't figured it out that is! :)
If you give me a nano second I can think of millions of superficial and shallow gay men who have none of the qualities I described in my post...surface "nice" does not equal deep " good". 8)
So you like the term..Emotional Convenience (tm.nic) ...you can use it for a fee! hahahaha! But think of all the things we do and don't do because they are not emotionally convenient..huh? Sooner or later we have to deal with stuff..but patience with ourselves is a key...we can only deal with things when we're ready..when it's time..i've learned that! *wow*
" To be a life" Well....the gay thing doesn't define me..it's one part of me. Simply and effectively..good words to describe what I want my life to be. No need to scoff anymore. A time-out on things we don't understand is quite effective too..scoffing = scared I think. I've done it too..and will no doubt do it again! :roll:
I've been reflecting on how my Nparents got into my system. By projecting their fears and doubts and guilt. Their objective was not to love and nurture me but to do everything in their power to subordinate me to them. I had to become completely unthreatening to them in order for them to live..yuck! The ball and chain of the dysfunctional I guess? :o I think i'm now completely ready to turn off the " you're no good" etc. recording after this insight! :D
And the perfection thing! I now know this was an N implant..I can feel it and know it's not mine. I never wanted to be perfect..deep inside of me the thought never occurred actually...the more time i've spent trying to be perfect the less time i've had to enjoy life, my life. What a horrible N thing to have done to me. Strange paradox/contradiction, you live your life trying to be perfect while receiving the message that you're no good, none of the time by Nparents who are less perfect than what you're trying to be..oi! Oh yeah! That's why I have no contact with them anymore! Very therapeutic! :x
A propos, " beating around the bush"...is it Portia or Porcia! Oink OInk! Piggy Piggy! We actually say this around here...OMG! I don't believe you wrote that :!: :lol:
And about the movie...you're right and i'm rephrasing..It would please me if you saw it! At your convenience..sheesh! 8)
Thanks for your kind words, I love your style too! You brightened my day just as much as I brightened yours I guess! :) And that's GOOD!
Love Nic :wink:
Anonymous:
Hey can we make this a threesome! :D Guffaww Gufaww! ! Snort Snort! Nic, I loved your post! :D Portia, I loved your post! :D Then Nic I loved your post reply. And now I think I wanna see the movie! :D
CG (ESTJ Guest)
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