Beth,
What a great topic. It is a great book, so helpful, but painful to read.
I suffer from all 7, but I think the most important struggle (and lesson to learn) for me now is boundaries.
So many wonderful posts. Many people are expressing ideas and feelings I have and this makes me feeless alone, less “abnormal”, less freakish.
Regarding forgiveness, some people, like Alice Miller, feel it’s OK not to forgive. I agree with Iphi that forced forgiveness doesn’t heal and I have also heard that in the afterlife, we all forgive each other, which is a comforting thought.
Pennyplant
The girl who almost destroyed me was a victim of incest. I wish her parents had been different.
I don’t mean to keep mentioning about Alice Miller, but she talks about this situation in describing Hitler’s upbringing. Bad parenting can unleash evil into the world.
So sorry Pennyplant for those nasty kids.
Shunned
But there's no "right" place to be, all the time; it changes throughout our lives.
I love your continuum idea, it’s very freeing and takes some pressure off.
Finding Peace
maintaining boundaries – I think as a young child I was not allowed to have any boundaries. If I tried to erect those fragile little walls – they were demolished, quite painfully, at the hands of my FOO. I think at some point in my life (and I can think of a few), I decided that I was so tired of no boundaries and everyone walking all over me that I erected huge boundaries, boundaries so strong and thick that I let no one in. Ironically, before NC, the walls applied to those outside of my FOO more than inside the FOO (in retrospect I think the reverse would have been a lot healthier!). The walls have thinned somewhat for a few people, but not many, and not all the way.
Boy, Finding Peace you really expressed my feelings.
Janet
There was a time (in my mid-twenties) when I actually remember saying to someone at work who I knew well ' I don't need any friends - I only need my family'. Years later, she told me this had sounded really scary to her. I'd thought it was normal, as my family had always lived by the idea that 'outsiders' are dangerous, so we 'kept ourselves to ourselvess' But, guess what? That was my NMum's idea, not mine really. Took years to work that one out. Seeing the outside world as the 'enemy' and home as 'safe' is a very sneaky way that they train you not to leave.
Me, too Janet. My family was a fortress: no outsiders got in and none of us could leave.
My mother also almost always found something wrong with my friends or boyfriends and before I knew it, she would talk me out of liking. Once she tuned me into their faults, I was focused on their faults.
Sally
