Updates

[tayana]

M was delivered to my doorstep on Friday afternoon.  As she was leaving, my mother says, "I'm really worried about him going into these bathrooms.  Those predators hide in the stalls and wait for kids to come in alone.  You need to talk to M about this and tell him what to do.  You don't know who he's going to be with at this camp, and you know there's priests who molest kids."

The urge to roll my eyes was ridiculous.  I didn't.  "I have had this talk with M before."

"Well, I think you need to have it again.  He's different and everyone who meets him knows that."

"All right." 

She leaves, so I decide we'd have a quick refresher talk.  M and I are making cookies, and I decide that was a good enough time, so we have the talk again about good touches and bad touches.  Although this time I get to add a little more about future dating and meeting a boy or girl M might want to be with.  About ten minutes of this is all he'll handle, and I never approach topics like this, so I dropped it.  I think I got the point across.  I can't tell.

I find myself really stressed out over having M back with me after him not being there for a couple of days.  In fact, I can't relax.  Friday night, I just lost it.  After he'd been talking and messing and bugging the dog for hours, I just let out a frustrated "arrgh."  M slunk off to his room, and we had to have another talk about how I was just stressed and needed to blow off steam.  Things were okay after that.

Saturday, he made sure to get up before dawn.  And then he decided I needed to get up before dawn too, and pestered me until I got up too.  He did make me breakfast in bed.  Although I really didn't want cereal, but I ate it like it was the best thing I'd ever had.  I was cranky because I hadn't slept well, and I had not been at all ready to get up.

He spent all day trying to, "Cheer me up."  Even though I told him I didn't need to be cheered up.  This made me feel even guiltier, espeically when I'm irritated because every chance he gets he's absorbed in television.  He won't do anything but watch TV, in fact.  Last I told him to do something, anything but watch TV.  I keep trying to get him interested in something else, but all he wants is to watch TV.  Arrgh.

I'm starting to think I'm a lousy parent because I can't seem to organize anything. 

We went shopping for things for home.  I bought him a new pair of swim shorts because his were almost too little, and a bunch of things for home.  We went swimming later, and I was feeling alittle better that evening.  He wasn't being quite so disrespectful.

Yesterday we had a pretty good day, although we had a fight over the TV.  I told him the new rule was that he couldn't watch any more than two hours of TV a day.  He slinked off to his room again.  I told him to go clean his room while I was fixing dinner.  It's still a mess.  Tonight it's getting picked up.

This morning, he went off to camp, and he seemed reasonable excited.  I've not had any phone calls, so I assume his day has gone all right.  Time will tell I suppose.

I've not had much contact with my mom, but I know that when she's going to show up at my place, my stress levels go through the roof.  I worked my behind off the night before M came home because I didn't want to be perceived as a slacker.  Silly, huh?

I'm trying to make some goals for this week, so hopefully I won't be as frazzeled.  That's rather how I feel at the moment, just at the end of my rope.

[WRITE]

it's quite a technique isn't it to manipulate someone- panic them with a serious and difficult issue, make them feel like if they don't pay attention and do what you suggest they are being negligent and unreasonable, and soemone will get hurt, for you're only trying to help, right....

You don't have to be perfect Tayana.
Mother's get frustrated, kids need to learn boundaries.

Yes kids do get molested but rarely by random strangers- another media hysteria misconception.

Good for you imposing the TV rule.
It's hard when you don't have someone there to back up and help, but then I often found my ex would do the opposite also...

Be gentle with yourself, you're doing good.

Don't expect your mum to see that or to give you what you need.

Swimming is good for both of you.

Enjoy your down time when son's out, allow yourself some breathing space.

I've been doign that today and much better I feel for it; the chores will wait, my sanity won't!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[tayana]

Write,

It's a rather clever technique, I think.  My nmom does it all the time.  I know M and I need to sit down and have a talk because he's starting to enter the moodiness of adolescence, and we need to talk about changes he's going to go through.  I put it off at first because my nmom didn't approve.  Now, I'm waiting a little longer until M seems to be a little bit more mature.  NOt much longer, just a little bit.

My mother sees a predator behind every tree.  She actually wants me to take M into the ladies room with me like I did when he was little.  He won't do it, first of all, and second, he's too old for that.  But my mom can't see that.  She seems to think that giving him any sort of freedom, because "he's different," will result in him getting hurt.  So now, he's adopted this whole, "I'm different, I can't do this" attitude.

I don't feel like I'm doing so good, really.  I feel like I'm skating on rather thin ice, actually.  Every time M slinks off acting like I"ve beaten him , I feel terrible.

I've been trying to take a little time everyday.  Last night I did something I never do.  I let M take the dog to bed.  He fell asleep with the dog after reading to the dog.  Once M was totally asleep, the dog came and got in bed with me.  Don't know how smart that was, but M has always pestered me about letting the dog stay with him.  I feel like I need supernanny to come visit me.

[tayana]

CB,

I do have some parenting books I like. I've bought a couple, and I checked out some from the library on Saturday.  I just haven't had time to sit down and look at them.

Well, the dog had this, "I can't believe I have to do this" look on his face, and he gave a disgusted shake and a relieved sigh when he came and got in bed with me.

I am lacking confidence I think.  I keep hearing about things I should be doing, and then I get frustrated because I can't get M to help me with various chores, although he loves doing the dishwasher and cooking.  Or else I feel guilty because all he wants to do is watch the TV.  I'm going to unplug the thing.  I swear, even though I have gotten really used to watching some things.

I might have to send him out to run around some.  That sounds like a good idea.  I made it a goal for this week to work out a family schedule, house rules and a chore/incentive chart.  I think those things will make our lives much easier.

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
  My sons are 19 and 21. They are good kids. I was always honest with them(age appropriate). I knew that Ihad issues(fear, anxiety, etc). I made sure to always own my issues so that they did not feel like it was their fault.
   I was a "crazy" driver b/c I was  afraid of driving. I would always say".Momma is afraid. It has nothing to do with you."I ,also, told them all about my life with my mother. That would be hard for you b/c she lives near you. I let them know me as a "not perfect" person.
    My kids devevloped a love and an heart for me that is still there. .
  We., also ,had a lot of fun ,together. We laughed a lot.
  When I would lose it and scream, I always told them that it was my fault and I was just really tired and at the end of my rope.
  We were honest when my H raged and when other family members acted badly.
  I KNEW that I could never be perfect but I could be honest. Also, I spent as much time as i could with them. I did not get involved in activities and then be too tired for them . I planned to give them my "prime time' . Everything else came second.Also, I was strict about respecting me. They could never be fresh to me. I was easy on being a mess or leaving the house messy.I was easy on playing video games and watching T.V.
  Tayana, being a single parent is so, so hard.  You are tired and stressed.
  Feeling how you feel is part of being a parent---- but is much harder for a single parent with an N mother.
     The other thing that I did was to get away from them when I needed to. I don't know if you can do this. For me, I would let M watch t.V. right now if you need the break. I was easy about things like that. I knew that the main thing was not to"kill' them before they reaches adulthood.(lol) 
   I hear perfectionism as your main problem. Parenting is a marathon. Many days you feel like you are failing. this probably how it is for everyone.
I will be praying for you. It is a really hard job,but it sounds like you and M have a good,solid relationship       Love Ami

 

[Hopalong]

Tayana hon,
You are having a NORMAL time.

I think swimming...a lot...is a great idea for M.
And the chore charts and a basic schedule are too.

You'll find your way! You are not surrounded by perfect competent parents with no doubts!

One thing I'd add (but not to add to your pressure). How about: Every single day, set one boundary with your mother, however simple or small. She doesn't have to recognize it as "a boundary"--it just has to have the effect of you experiencing a sense of "I am competent to make parenting decisions", inside yourself.

From ending a phone call when YOU want to, to saying, "No, I don't want to talk more about that right now" to "No advice on that right now. I'll decide about M and ___." etc.

Meanwhile, you're overwhelmed and I'd guess very very tired. New influences in your life, and voices in your ear, other than your mother, will help.

You'll have good days and bad days, hon. It's just life.

Don't go back home no matter what. You tough this out and keep setting boundaries with her.

Please...take that Assertiveness Training workshop.

love
Hops

[tayana]

Ami, perfectionism is a huge problem for me.  Being perfect has been driven into my skull since I was very young.  There's no point in doing something if you aren't going to do it right.  That's my nmom's motto. 

I've discussed this very thing with my T.  He said, I used to have a sign in my office that said, "There's no point in doing something unless you are going to do it wrong."  He explained that doing things wrong is how we learn, and how we take pleasure in doing something.  Making mistakes and screwing up is important.  He's repeated something similar to that several times.

My T's assignment for me this week is to keep a journal of my negative thoughts, and when I have them, I write down the negative thought in one column and then in the other write a positive, truthful thought, one that counters the negative thinking.  That way I'm not beating myself up.  M and I actually had a pretty good evening last night, of course, I always do better after I see my T.

Hops, the assertiveness class is scheduled.  It's in Sept.  I like your idea about the boundary setting.  I've sort of taken the road of, "I'm not going to call unless I have something important to say."   It's actually nice.  She still calls me, but I"ve managed to keep those calls short.  I don't intend to go back, not if I have go on welfare to keep my independence.  Never, ever, ever again.

CB, I'll look for some support groups in the area.  I had done that a little bit.  There is a Parents without Partners group, but I don't really know much about that.  I seem to do okay as long as I can keep my mom at arms length.  I've gotten better since Friday night, got my groove back, I guess.  I just have to sort of look at the mess, and say, "I'll get to this, but I need to do this first."  Then I have to tackle the important things, having clean clothes, food to eat, etc.  When I get that taken care of, then I can work on my mess.  I actually have energy in the evening, and tonight, I think M and I are just going to have a simple supper instead of the more elaborate ones we've had the last few nights.  We have some left overs, so we can eat those, and I won't be spending two hours cleaning the kitchen.

It's really hard dealing with everything all at once.  I've discovered that I do better if nmom stays away, and if I can focus on one thing at a time, not forty.

[WRITE]

 I let M take the dog to bed.

sounds fine to me, I let my son do the same!

I've discovered that I do better if nmom stays away

then remind yourself of that when she's there and throwing you off-balance.

Tell yourself, 'oh look, she's doing it again' when you start to feel wobbly, and resolve not to discuss things with her except superficially or to take anything she pronounces seriously.

My son wouldn't go to the bathroom with me either, in fact it would feel quite abusive to make him!

I think you're doing really well even if you don't, it's not easy to prise these leech-people off us you know....

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((  ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
   You sound much better.  After it is all said and done-- it sounds WELL worth it to have moved out. It was very stressful and painful but you sound the most "whole' that I have ever heard.......Love    Ami

[lighter]

::Sigh::  tayana.

It's hard to be an excellent employee,  perfect cookie baking mother, wise organzied wizard of everthing within your domain.......



and.....



still have time left for yourself.

Sleep.

Self care.

Being freaked out and pushed around by a parent, with awful intentions for you, and all the time in the world to think sh*t up, she knows will bother you.  In so many ways.  Most esp bc M is different and you can't really qualify what information get's throug to him. 

Keep your eye on her.  She's like a bug,  with no emotions.  She has to make trouble and sqeeze the life out of things in order to feel alive.  It's not your fault.  It's just that she doesn't have any concept of bonding with people out of responsibility towards them.  When she looks at the faces of those that love her.....  she doesn't feel love.  She feels an excellent opportunity to manipulate and gain an advantage. 

She only cares about dominating and winning.  She can't see she's cutting her own throat, even as she thinks up new ways to send you to bed, mumbling to yourself. 

Or not.

All I can say.....


::tight tight tight smile::


is....

whatever in the world will she do....



when you aren't available for her to kick......




poke........




terrororize and prey upon?


::shaking head::



I think you'll have a better quality of life. 

As for having a rough time lately.

Every parent gets edgy and shorter on patience.  Esp if they're not sleeping well.

I never knew how difficult parenting was.  I honestly had no idea, until I had a child of my own. 

Throw in the fact that you're still adjusting to the move and helping M do so......



Trying to get on track with camp and making a new life for you and your special needs child.....



as a single parent who absolutely rocks and cares and tries very very hard, consistently, with more sabotaging  than supports, in place.....


I'd say that you're doing exceedingly well. 

And that you shouldn't beat yourself up. 

Adjust activities to your energy levels. 

Do more when you feel better.   

Love the fact that you're focused on doing things that will make you feel better. 

(((tayana)))  I wish I was your mama.  I'd feed you and help you organize and take M to therapy and encourage you when  you were feeling low.  I'd be so proud that you've turned out to be such a responsible caring person, mother, daughter, sister. 

I wouldn't use it against you, to gain an advantage, so I could take you apart, piece by piece.

That's how she gets away with so much, you know?  You're a decent human being and she's constantly playing the pity card.  Telling you lies.  Enlisting your father to urge you in her direction. 

It's amazing you're doing as well as you are. 

Count your blessings while I finish the rest of your thread. 

I wish you more sleep and better times ahead. 

Eh...  who am I kidding?  I wish you'd cut your mother off and never let her say another awful word to you or your son. 

I wish I had that option......


for me and my own children: /

[lighter]

I wanna say one more thing.....

About M feeling he can't do things bc he's different or he can't get them right enough or whatever it is that's worrying him.

Every child has normal fears and every child needs to be told that they are going to be loved, no matter what.

If they don't get all E's and S's on a report card or whatever..... they need to hear it.

Often.

You will help guide him into more confidence.  Through these challenges he'll learn how to cope with his fears.  This is a good thing bc it's a learning opportunity.  That's what growing up is.   

Let him know it's OK to make mistakes.... he just needs to make new ones and not repeat the same ones...... because that's how we learn. 

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((((Tayana and M)))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))) -- you rock too. Big heart in there. Very big.

love
Hops

[lighter]

Hi Hops.

::waving::

[Ami]

BEAUTIFUL post  Lighter.                                    Love Ami

[tayana]

Lighter, Thank you for your beautiful post.  I'm sitting here at work, with not much to do and wondering why I'm here instead of at home.  I almost called in sick today.  I really did.  I thought having a day to myself would be so lovely, but instead I came to work.  I've wished I would have stayed home ever since I got here.  I'm tempted to tell my boss I don't feel well, which isn't a total lie, and go home.

Here's some more updates . . . I received a letter from my attorney yesterday.  The judgment was set aside, but some form of settlement needs to be made before August 27, or the case will go to trial again, and my mother will most likely face criminal charges.  The lawyer would like for her to contact him, which there isn't much chance of, to reach some form of settlement.

I am so very tired today.  I talked to my brother for a long time last night, and discovered that my mother has been doing things like this for forty years.  I discovered a lot of the real reasons for some of the things that happened when I was a child.  There's probably a really good reason I have serious gaps in my memory.

Lighter, my son is a classic underacheiver.  If something is hard, he won't try, even though he's very gifted.  Just today he told me he doesn't want to go the afternoon class at camp because he doesn't like the project he's working on.  I said, tell the teacher you don't want to finish and maybe you can start something else.  He refused.  Then I tried, well then just work really hard and finish it, and he said, "No, it's too hard."  It's like beating your head against the wall.  He won't give up, but he won't do the work either.  It just make me want to beat myself senseless.  It seems like no matter what I tell him, it backfires.  My mother doesn't help by blowing things out of proportion when she talks to him.  yesterday he had a disagreement at camp with a girl, just a disagreement, and my mother blew it up to "Those kids are being mean to him."

You know, she didn't care when I was the one being picked on and teased.  She didn't care when she sent me to school looking like a hick and all the kids made comments about my clothes, because they were outdated.  She didn't care that I was constantly bullied in school.  But now she cares about my son because "he's a little different."  He's got to learn to fight his own fights, not have mom or grandma swoop in to save him.  He asked me this morning if he could just go to half day camp because he doesn't really like the afternoon class, and I told him no he had to go, because I didn't have anyplace for him to go in the afternoon.  He wasn't happy, but I think he'll survive.  I've noticed this week that he has been calmer.  He hasn't screamed at me.  He hasn't had outbursts.  He hasn't even fought too much when I said, at 8 o'clock the TV is mine.  I don't know if he's just tired from camp, or if being around other people makes him feel better.  He's crabby in the mornings, like me, so I don't put too much stock in his whiny I don't want to go speech this morning.