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[lighter]

I don 't know why your mother's been doing things liike this for the past 40 years or why swhe's been allowed to do it. 

I don't really give a frog's fat ass either. 

What i do care about is tayana taking responsibility for tayana and setting boundaries. 

If it means your mother is going to have to deal with some consquences, so be it.

 They're hers and it's about time someone stopped taking the wrap for her. 

This is what respnsible people do.  Co dependants and enablers aren't doing her any favors either, btw.

Actually being held accountable may make her think twice before pulling one of her little schemes in the future. 

I don't doubt I'd feel pity for her if you told the whole story about her life.

What I've learned though..... is that you can have sympathy for someone without sacraficing yourself and you can love your mother even if it's not in the way she wants you to. 

And, what kind  of love is it that makes a mother ask her child to take on unfair debt she incurred and get her off the hook, no matter the cost to her child?  That isn't love tayana.  That's predatory behavior masquarading as love. 

Teach M a different way of living.  Teach him to say "THAT'S MEAN, STOP IT" when he witnesses bullying. 

Teach him to be very leary of people who do awful things to him then play the sympathy card. 

Teach him to erect and defend healthy boundaries.  You're modeling behavior patterns for him now.  What do you want him to see?  What would you do if it was M your mother did all these things to?  What would your advice be in that case?

Personally....... I believe it would do your mother good to get a taste of accountability.  Maybe she'd be a little less inclined to prey on you, anyway. 

Either way..... I say let her deal with her own mess.  It's not your mess to fix.  You can't save her from herself and your banging your head against the wall if you try. 

I know you have better things to do, tayana.  Please please please don't let your brother, father and mother talk you into taking the wrap for your mother.  ::sigh::  It's so unfair...... please please please don't take on innapropriate respnsibility that belongs to your mother.  Let your brother step up and say he charged those debts if he's so keep to save his mother.  Asking you to do it just seems like a cowardly insipid thing to do, IMO.  Can you see that?  DYSFUNCTIONAL is what it is. 

You don't have to live that way, tayana.  Make better choices.  Model responsible logical behavior for M.  Break the old patterns and create healthy new ones for yourself.  Scary, yes but worth the effort. 

[tayana]

Lighter,

I'm tired of cleaning up my mother's messes.  She keeps telling me this mess isn't hers, but i know better.  My gut tells me that it is. 

She lies to me all the time.

She makes mountains out of molehills.

That's part of the reason my son has some of the problems he does, because anytime he has a minor spat with another kid, then it's time to remove him from the situation without allowing him to work it out.

My mother said I shouldn't have to be responsible for this, but that I wasn't going to hang it on her either.  My question is, if it's not her mess, if it's not her account, then why the elaborate cover up?  Why go through all of this nonsense and not just tell me about it?  It seems like her cover up is almost an admission of guilt, doesn't it.  I mean, even if she wanted to help me out, she shouldn't be going to court as me and signing my name to court documents, especially if she's not guilty.

I don't intend to pay for this or leave it in my name to ruin my credit for years to come, because it'll take me years to pay it off.

I'm sick of this, just totally sick of it.  If she wants me to take it to trial so badly, then so be it.  I will.

I agree with you, Lighter, I think it would do her good to be held accountable.  Maybe then she would get the help she needs.

My brother said he's trying to save something he should just let die.  I think I'm just going to let it die.  I'm the one losing here, not my father, or my mother, and none of them seem to care.

[Ami]

[
My brother said he's trying to save something he should just let die.  I think I'm just going to let it die.  I'm the one losing here, not my father, or my mother, and none of them seem to care.


Dear Tayana
   The reason that I have been dizzy for 3 weeks is expressed in your quote-- above. I have faced that no one cares. It is SOOOOOOOOOO painful. However,it is true(IMO)
   All our lives, we gave and tried an tried and gave until we were nothing.We gave our heart, soul and guts. For what? No one one cared and they still don't
   THIS is why I am in shell shock right now. I am going through this too. You are not alone    Love  Ami

[lighter]

The sad fact is.... you won't miss your mother or all the trouble she causes you.

What you'll miss is the idea of the mother you wanted and needed. 

I'm so sorry the reality is so tough.  It's unfair.  It's painful and it won't go away. 

Taking some control over your life will help you feel less victimized. 

It may also help you come to grips with how dysfuntional it was that your mother preyed on you and nobody in your family stood up for you.  JUST so innapropriate tayana.

I hope you get all this credit mess over and done with.  I hope you get so busy and happy in your life you don't think about your mother often. 

 

[Hopalong]

New friends, new surroundings.
New community.
New self-selected circle...it can become a family.

YOU CAN CREATE A FAMILY OF FRIENDS, Tayana.

I have gotten better emtional mothering from women friends than ever from my Nmom.

Hops

[lighter]

Lighter,

I'm tired of cleaning up my mother's messes.  She keeps telling me this mess isn't hers, but i know better.  My gut tells me that it is. 

Of course it's her mess, lol.  Really..... and she'll never ever.....




ever.......




ever ever ever,

take responsibility for it. 


Unless she's really angry and it gives her a thrill to do so.


Jeez Louise..... that's just not a mama, tayana.  No rhyme intended. 

That's a predator and she's got a comfy spot right there in the middle of your family, under cover of being a mother.

I'm so sorry but..... don't deny your gut. 

Always honor the gut. 

[tayana]

Lighter,

I decided that I wasn't going to be responsible for this, and I wanted validation of the account and the original creditor.

Sometimes, research really pays off.

I discovered that the collection agency has been in hot water off and on for questionable trading practices.  There is currently a class action lawsuit against them.  They are known for snapping up old, out of statute debts and collecting on them.

I don't even know who the original creditor is, because the credit bureaus removed this from my report.

After discovering this, I sent a letter to my attorney explaining what I'd found and that I wanted to see validation of the account and the paper trail associated with it.

Today, I researched how to go about this and found a form letter I can alter for my use.  The statute of limitations on debt collection in my state is 5 years.  I believe this account is outside of that time period.  It depends on when the last payment on the account was made.  It was either 2000 or 2001.  This case was originally dismissed for failure to prosecute.

I'm hoping the creditor will send me the information I'm requesting, if not, I think I have the original account number and bank name.  I can try to get the information from them.

Does this excuse what my mother did?  Absolutely not.  However, it does mean I could countersue the collection agency if they are in violation of the fair credit reporting act and possibly recoup my attorney fees.  It also means I could get the whole thing dismissed without a trial.

[lighter]

Amazing that it's so difficult to get information on a debt and credit card that was supposedly yours, lol. 

Glad you digging and researching.  Our attorneys sure won't be helpful to us in any meaningful way.

It's also surprising that the legal system really isn't equiped to deal with criminals, lol.  Amazing but true.

I guess it could do a better job if it wasn't so darned choked up. 

Glad to hear you may get your lega fees back. 

Not so glad to hear your mother wins again. 

Note to self..... stop thinking about N's suffering the smallest of consequences for  actions or criminal activities aimed at loved ones, disarmed by pity and misplaced loyalty.  Surely, N's do not deserve such loyalty. 

[tayana]

LIghter,

The attorney might be more useful if he would actually return my calls so I could ask him questions.  I've certainly paid him enough money that he ought to be a little more prompt instead of ignoring me.

I don't think there is any winning in this situation.  I suppose in the long run, I have won.  I probably would have gotten over my anger at my mom and stayed where I was if this case hadn't popped up, so in that sense, I won.  This gave me the extra motivation I need to get out of that awful place.

No one "wins" here.  Even if we do end up in trial, the case may end up being dismissed because this creditor is violating federal acts.  I contacted a credit counselor who told me that nothing is likely to happen to my mom, because no one will pursue it.  The only thing that might be pursued is her forgery of my name on court documents.  I don't think I win if I put her in jail.  I'll feel guilty about that eventually.  I don't think she wins either.  Her winning would mean she got away with all of this without my knowledge, and that didn't happen.  She ended up losing, because this was the catalyst for me moving away and taking her supply away.

[lighter]

Ahhhhh you're winning bc you're out and you're not confused.

If your credit gets cleared up, you're winning.

If M doesn't miss his Grandmother's negative chicken little antics..... you're winning. 

If you fill your lives with nice people and postiive interests..... you're winning. 

It doesn't matter if your mother wins this time.  ::shrug::

What matters is that you don't allow her to deliver any more crushing blows to you or M. 

Right?

You're winning when you're in control of your life and how you allow yourself to be treated. 

You're modeling behavior and lifestyle for M. 

You win when you see him using problem solving skills, coping strategies and requiring respectful treatment out in the world as he grows. 

You win when you're happy and no longer focused on what your mother is doing.... to herself, you, M and your father and brother.

You win when you're busy and content and taking care of your business. 

Raising M. 

Honoring Tayana's needs, feelings and intuitions.

Eh..... you're gonna be just fine ((tayana)) and nobody ever really wins in court. 

It's just a fallacy and the sooner this is behind you the better. 

Forgive and let it go into the ether.