Being myself without fear

[isittoolate]

My dear Sally

This is all so true.

Now keep in mind, I had no voice from when I was a little girl, and the family was dysfunctional that way.

I have to put this together with the car accident and that would have been the time to 'voice myself'--- no one was 'available ' for that as they never had been.

Wow.You are spot on, too!

Yes! The therapist wants to revisit this and we started off with something smaller.

I had 5 falls in 2 days, badly gashed my right foot and must have shattered some little bones in my left ankle. My feet and ankles were a mess.  (I was weakened because my potassium numbers were dangerously low and I didn't know. The Dr. tested my blood "just to see oif he was poisoning me"--my prescription meds--) However, the fall results were that I was all alone with each one--2 in the bedroom in the dark of night, one in the bathroom, then I had to go to the office and fell in the garage, then the last one at the office.

I* had even mentioned these to a guy,  my 'boss', in there and he never clued in to ask if I would be okay leaving alone. He just left.

Izzy has become known for being able to do things herself-- but there are other Times.

So we dealt with my 'alone' feelings with that and are now going to attack the accident---far larger injuries, still alone!

You are right on the ball about this

Thank you so much for your input.

Love Izzy

[sally]

Dear Izzy,

So sorry to hear about the falls

 (((((((((((((((((((IZZY)))))))))))))))))

How are you doing now?  I hopeyou are doing better.

You Boss sounds like a shmo.  Us ACONS, we surround ourselves with Ns because it seems normal.  I'm so sorry your boss is/was such a  &*@%#  (Curse word).

Now keep in mind, I had no voice from when I was a little girl, and the family was dysfunctional that way.

Yes, I understand this (& by the way, me too).  In fact, I believe it is because you had no voice from when I was a little girl, and the family was dysfunctional that way , that you wound up voiceless again regarding the accident.   

Again, we ACONS are set up for FAILURE until we become AWARE of our dysfunctional upbringing and start working on healing our wounds, enforcing our boundaries  and honoring and loving ourselves.

Hope you feel better, my dear,

Love,
Sally

[motheroffour]

Hey Sally,

Thanks for the hugs.  I am trying to be at peace with that day.  Maybe that is the challenge of this suffering.....to take the diamond that comes from all the pressure and the coal and not get too fixated on the pressure and the coal. 

I like your exercizing comment.  I guess I need to exercize more in the area of being myself.  I am so practiced in the "perfection and performance" areas of my life.  I am tired of that bad habit.

Thanks for commenting.

--mof4

[sally]

Dear MOF,

guess I need to exercize more in the area of being myself.  YAYE!!!!

I am so practiced in the "perfection and performance" areas of my life.    YUCK!!!!!!

Thanks for your kind words,

Love sally

[motheroffour]

Izzy,   !!!!!  Genius comedic sense! Beautiful.

[Certain Hope]

This is a lovely post, Mof4...   a beautiful declaration of authenticity... and a new beginning.
I'm excited for you... and hopeful alongside you! 

"The person who likes musicals, drama class, and art.  The one who tries and tries and never gives up.  The one who does the voices when reading story books and the one who wants to be alone sometimes.  The one who sings in the shower and while I fold laundry.  The one who couldn't give up chocolate if life or limb was threatened.  I am here.  Not wanting to fear anymore.  No excuses or explanations.  Just here."

I like you already!   Do you talk with your hands, too? I do!

With love,
Hope

[motheroffour]

Hope, you really are sweet.  How did you know I talk with my hands? I am smiling big!

Guess this was a declarative statement and is most likely me that needs to listen to it.  Thanks for listening too as I send it out into the void.

[Hopalong]

Izz, I'm so sorry. Were these accidents recent?

I bet it's hard to ask for help, when independence is such a triumph.

But I hope you'll practice it. Why the heck shouldn't the world help you?
We are all a family and there it is. You help us with computer stuff.
You need physical help getting into a party or safely out of the office?

Spell it out! People are dim about that so you just have to educate.
Pain in the butt but it's just one of the chores...

hugs
Hops

[Ami]

Dear MO4,
   This was a great thread. Thanks so much. I am waiting for more of these tremendous threads     Love Ami

[lighter]

To live an authentic life.

To have your feelings correspond to your actions and words. 

To trust your instincts, even if you look a bit foolish at times. 

To keep building coping strategies and learning from mistakes. 

I think that time you spent in your little cell may have taken years off your healing process, actually. 

As ticked off as I get thinking about you asking to be let out and them restraining you there.... I think it did shorten things up for ya. 

[Ami]

Lighter--- you express my "goal 'of authenticity so well- Thank you. BTW-- I missed you a lot . What value does life have if we live it as "another person". It is sad ,lonely and disconnected. I want to have the courage to live it as "me"    Love  Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear Mof4,

I felt that you may speak with your hands as I do... because I feel you brimming over with a desire for expression, as I am 

Recently I noticed that it really bothered me to not have my husband's eyes while I was trying to tell a short story.
This wasn't even about getting eye contact for the sake of ensuring that he was listening, because I know all too well that he can look me straight in the eye and not hear a thing I've said - lol. (Truly, I'm laughing... it's just a fact of life and I don't resent it - much.)

It was that I needed to know he could see my hand motions because they were an integral part of the story!
Strange, I know, but it dawned on me that I couldn't tell the story quickly (and timeliness was of the essence, because his attention span is short - lol) without using my hands!
Anyhow, this was just a little smidgen of self-awareness which was new to me... and made me smile. Made me smile for you, too 

Love,
Hope

[lighter]

Lighter--- you express my "goal 'of authenticity so well- Thank you. BTW-- I missed you a lot . What value does life have if we live it as "another person". It is sad ,lonely and disconnected. I want to have the courage to live it as "me"    Love  Ami

Ummmmm, Ami:

What are your plans, short and longterm,  for living that authentic life you want so badly?


That prick of a husband isn't going to listen to your real voice.  He isn't going to value it or validate it or let it go unpunished. 

You're kids are still your kids.  They have their own dragons to slay. 

Ami has to find Ami and give her a voice.

 Ami can teach her children how to do that. 

What a lesson in life waiting to be taught. 

What are you going to do about trusting your feelings and voicing them?  Making decisions based on what you want,  and not on what you think others want and what they'll do to you if you don't choose their way?

How does Ami begin to take risks and learn from them?  How does Ami create a fulfilling life and find connections to people and things that are meaningful.... TRULY meaningful to her?

Living well is what this is all about.  I don't think you can do that with your prick of a husband.  I try not to get into this with you but, I can't help it sometimes.  I can't imagine getting healthy and honoring yourself with an N standing over you criticizing and judging you.  I just can't.