an accident

[isittoolate]

Wow Deb,

I make movies in your head? and you remember the bag on my head--"<grin>

Escalators used to be wider. I see now they are much more narrow but I live in a different Province. I doubt I was the cause of them being changed.

I used to go to Sears and ride up the escaltor in my chair. It takes timing--get on the moving flat and put the front wheels on one step, make sure the crack is under the chair and the back wheels are on the next step behind, keep on the moving flat until you can grab the handrails and watch for the steps to separate, as there will be a jolt when the back wheels drop down. Now I am at a 45 degree angle. and hang on until the steps flatten out and go on my way on the second floor.

Coming down is to back on and repeat the setup, grab the railings and wait for the thunk--then keep right on going as the steps flatten out.

Then look abashed as a Sears man chases you out to the parking lot, waggles his finger at you and sauys, "Now you stop doing that, using the escalators. You are scaring our customers."


Enjoy
Love
Izzy

[lighter]

Then look abashed as a Sears man chases you out to the parking lot, waggles his finger at you and sauys, "Now you stop doing that, using the escalators. You are scaring our customers."


Enjoy
Love
Izzy

OMG Izz!  I got dizzy reading your post! 

I gotta say..... I was always the annoying mama on the escalator with a stroller.  Eh..... it takes time to find the elevator and go out of your way to use it.

Brave brave Izzy..... You have hidden talents, lol!

[isittoolate]

Yes elevators --go around to the back, take the escalators to the furnace room go 4 blocks to the left and there is a freight elevator, and one had to call byi nternal phone and say you were coming.

Now I sense, too, that a person in a wheelchair would be a little more offended to ride this:..... mumbling. "i am not a piece of freight...... I am not as piece of freight."

sorry for the dizzy spell <grin>.

xx
Izzy

[debkor]

Iz,

I agree with Light.  You do  have many hidden talents.  I would have stood at the top and said Go Izzy, Go Izzy, then dropped dead of a heart attack watching you or wanted you to teach me how you do that. 

I once while eating out saw a man who had no arms.  He sat and held a fork and knife with his toes and ate more proper then I did. 

I tried this at home and what a mess.  I could not do it.

Deb

[isittoolate]

You really tried that---- alone or the whole family?

[lighter]

Eh... I probably would have dropped my oldest child in Izz's lap (a little escalator fright going there), told my little one to hold tight, balanced the stroller behind me and braced the wheelchair with my hip.   

I just could not take the suspense of watching and waiting to see if she could remain balanced.... esp if I was behind her; )

[isittoolate]

we would have looked like it came in all one piece for Grandma and the kids. HM we have an invention here. We need a patent.

In the grocery store I pushed the chair with one hand and was balanced on the other side by pushing a cart.

A little kid said, "Look Mommy. That cart has a chair attched".

It was cute! ...........but it did look like a one piece of 'machinery'

[wiltay]

"=-for your visit and for your comments, and Bill for saying my prose is as poetry. Yes, you may put it on your wall, but do you think your visitors might think you are weird? <grin> sadistic?"

Izzy, Everyone I KNOW thinks I'm weird, so if they saw your framed poem on my wall they would just say, "yup."  ; - }.   (I'm exaggerating a little I hope).  I probably AM a little sadistic, as a matter of fact, when it comes to playing with (some) other people's expectations. 

Bill

[debkor]

Iz,

Me and the kids tried it. And we sucked at it.

Deb

[isittoolate]

OK Folks I need an answer here!

I've told you that my only brother and one sister will be coming here on Aug 4&5. I posted their emails a bit back when I was concerned about my brother and smoke---

Anyway, I am in therapy (will I tell them?) and have told the therapist that my sister is the one who had my daughter for 2 months and didn't bring her to see me until-----maybe Aug 1? I was furious and I never saw my daughter again until she switched sisters close to Sept 1.

My brother didn't come to see me in the Hospital at all. I was there 3 months and moved to a Rehab Place, called Lyndhurst Lodge, (sounds like a holiday) He finally came ONCE to the Lodge. (Lodge used to belong to MGM) My mother was in the same place 13 years earlier.

I wonder why I never noticed some of these things, or was I already acclimated that I was no one to the family? I was dying and my mother didn't come for 2 weeks.

This is shitty!!!

The last time I cried was depression over the estrangement betweem my daughter and me that took about 2 years to 'break' me. I began to cry in the morniing and cried all day, in and out of 5 stores, and home, unloading my trunk AND this sister happened to come out of my building, being in my town at the time and I yelled and screamed and blew a gasket at her about the above and I wouldn't let her come into my apartrment. I did this screaming in the front driveway, and I didn't know her husband was sitting in their car, as well.

Later on. as in a # of weeks, she came to visit and we talked about things, but I cannot forget that my daughter must have felt abandoned, even the next day, let alone almost 2 months without me.

I don't know if I will tell them. I think I might, as they are going to have to

get this

live in MY world for the 2 days we do things together.!!!

I was always living in my familiy's world and I never fit!

It's difficult to know if I ought to tell them that I am thnking about the one visit each in the 12 months I was hospitalized! ??????? and how it affected me, amongst other things.

love Izzy

[ripleytje]

Dear Isittoolate,

Hugs to you! I don't think you were writing a poem or telling a story. I just want to ask you were you given a reason why you needed to come back in life straight after the accident, when you felt you died? Did you feel that there was something you need to do in your life??
I just ask because I nearly died when I was about six, and had no words to describe anyone how I felt it, but I will never forget the feeling of peace in the sense of feeling completely accepted as I was (now, I was a little girl at the time), it was just overwhelmingly positive feeling. I still don't have proper words for describing that!

Hope you can understand what I mean!

Bests,
Ripleytje

[isittoolate]

hi Ripleytje

I have no words either to describe the peace at that time, except that there was not a worry in the world, not a thought of things unfinished etc. Just peace and beauty, then I backed-up and it was a bit disappointiung but then I was thinking of my little 5 year old daughter at home without me.

I have been told no reason to come back, except to sue Al to crashed the car as her guardians would likely go broke raising her!)<g>

What caused your experience? accident or illness?

Love
Izzy

[lighter]

Ahhh, Izzy.
Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy a nice dinner and a glass of wine..... settle back for an intimate chat with siblings and catch up?

Maybe ask them, without blame or intense emotion, what they were thinking while you were in the hospital?

Sort of have a normal conversation about something immensly painful?  Not sure it can be done but.....

I sure think you'll get more information if they feel you aren't attacking or blaming them.... if you understand them and aren't judging. 

Not that you can do that with this discussion.  I certainly wouldn't blame you if you couldn't. 

I doubt most people could, but you seem to want to hear what they have to say and asking them is the best way to get answers. 

If you can't talk about it without being angry, and who could?  Maybe you could write letters to them and read then write and read them until you've worked through it a bit?

The way I see it is..... you're trying to embrace people who were callouse and irresponsible and cruel and utterly selfish and deserving of your harsh judgement. 

And yet you invite them into your home.... and are thoughtful of the smallest considerations on their behalf.  After they left you lie there all alone, dying and defenseless, alone and uncared for.... just monstrous of them to abandon you like that. 

But see..... you grew up in a dysfunctional family where that was the way it always was.  Just more pronounced after the accident?

So..... what I get is.... you want to connect with your siblings. 

You want to understand so that you can make some sense out of your past.... maybe your present.

You want to forgive them and maybe you need to do that literally WITH them?

I don't think that raging at them will get you any answers from them, though I think it would be good of them to allow you to do that then explain their behavior, apologize for it and beg your forgiveness.  I'm glad you got that rage off your chest all those years ago.  Lord knows you needed to or you might have burst. 

Maybe they've changed and grown in unexpected ways? 

Maybe you'll get answers you don't like but answers nonetheless?

One thing I've learned.... is to respect honesty.... even if I don't like what I hear. 

At least I understand better, and I like to understand things. 

Esp painful things I have no control over, otherwise. 

I say that telling them you're in therapy then bringing up some of the questions you have around the time of the accident would be a very reasonable converstion to have with them. 

Think about what you want them to hear, when you speak, then practice saying it maybe?

It would be nice if you could be calm and approach this without dread and fear when it arrives ((Izzy))

What does your T say?

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy,

I'm thinking that it is proper - when someone has wronged us - to speak with that person directly about it.

This has a cleansing effect, it seems...  even if it's years after the fact and even if it gets messy.

Some messes are actually quite health-full...  kinda like my method of cleaning a closet... gotta drag everything out first, scatter it all around the room to see what's there, before beginning to sort.
Also this gives the "other" an opportunity to make a turn-around... or not. It's good to be prepared for the "not", detached from the outcome... some of the stuff in that closet may not fit anymore.

Love,
Hope

 

[isittoolate]

Ah lighter,

You are a treasure, indeed.

The only blowup was 1993 and I was close to a breakdown.  I am not now. I haven't cried since that and I am a calm person, although it could be said I am a botttomless pit of anger, but it also can be said that i feel that the pit is draining because of some of the things I have done.

My therpist is one of ther 'drainers'. and I am the other. I am looking at things differently --well it's the two of us together.

One of the  reasons I require therapy is that I always felt like NOT part of the family-- one visit apiece in 12 months just verified that to me-- but what about them? What if all the blood and scabs and the stryker frame and the stitches and the explosive hair full of glass and gravel turned them off?

Well you see another sister came every day and read my mail and them some days after I was able to have another room and a phone, she would call to say she couldn't make it. I would say that it was okay as she had a life to live to and didn't have to be around every day, as much as I appreciated it. Then another sister, the N, told me that the previous sister told her there were some days she coudln't come to see me as she couldn't stand to look at me. What a family!

---but this is 38 years later and I am in therapy and require some answers. They might not even remember. I can do it calmly and I can accept whatever answer because i used to know a saying something like---There are those ofd us who require answers and are not happy until we get them and even if we don't like the answer, we have one.

So I will
talk about therapy
and some of the reasons why
and I will ask
and I* will know?

Thankis lighter
xx
Izzy