My Sister

[JanetLG]

Mof4,

"Seems like your N can be a little nasty.  Mine is so nice!  Painfully pleasant!  How do you cut someone off who is so nice and does philanthropic things for neighbors and community?  It is a crazy-maker! "

Well, the trouble was, she WAS nice...to everyone else! That's what is so crazy-making. No-one else understood why I was being so 'nasty' to her. She described it to others as 'we have an argument that's sooo hurtful that I can't discuss it  [how convenient!], but now she won't apologise for being so rude to me, and so unreasonable'. Of course, I never got to put my side to people , and the 'argument' idea just wasn't true, unless you take the fact that we hadn't got on for about 20 years as 'an argument'!

N's have a habit of splitting into nice/nasty, depending who they're 'playing to' - and I believe it is a LOT like acting. They know what they're doing. If you manage to catch them at it, they look really sheepish.

But if YOU know the in laws are unbearable TO YOU, they're unbearable. Doesn't matter if they're great with OTHER people, because you're not 'other people'.


I like the bit in your post about 'your N's can be a little nasty'! Me and my husband call them 'the Undead'. Totally without feeling.

I did cry, not just for weeks, but for years, really. It still gets to me now, sometimes, but not as much as it did. It still needed doing, though, so I wouldn't have changed my decision. I just wish I'd had this board then...but the internet wasn't around then (1990).

Janet

[tempesta]

I want to thank you all so much for your warm welcomes and replies.  I am so sorry for not getting back to everyone sooner.  It is hard in the summer cause we cater a lot.  Actually I was just at an Art Festival today, and have to be there tomorrow as well to cater with my hub and in-laws.  It is an all day thing and I am very tired.  People came from all different States and bands played it was nice until you know who showed up, ugh.  I was just thinking hmmmmm lot so people, ok where is she, lol?  Then she waltz's in with her bf all dressed up, well above everyone else like always.  It is kind of embarrassing because I think you can dress trendy for a 40 something lady but there is such a thing as age approperate.  Even the little gal I had helping me from our Store that is only 18 said just that about my Sister, ugh.  This young lady with me is a very pretty little thing with blond hair and blue eyes.  So no, she in no way envies my Sister like she would like to think.  Ohhhh and by the way, I am far from ugly and am not fat, but do I go around acting like an idiot?  I in no way walk into a room and wonder how many men are watching me, ugh.  My sister is consumed with that. Beauty comes from inside, this I have always believed.

Oh and ty for the kind words about having Aunts that were good to you.  Makes me feel good.  I will never leave them.  They need me.  I keep my nephew under my wing.  He tried to kill himself a year ago.  He just turned 16.  My husband gave him a job at our grocery store.  Everyone loves him there and he gets a lot of attention.  Also my niece who is 20 and gonna have a baby comes in when I am working to talk to me.  She is so angry at her Mom she doesn't even want her mom at her baby shower that I am planning nor does she want her there when the baby is born.  I wish the two of them would work that out.  I am trying to stay out of the middle of it.  I can understand my niece's anger though.  Get this.  My Sis says when you plan her shower don't have it on this day of that day cause I am doing this and that.  Can you imagine?  This is why the kids get mad at her.  It is always about her and she cannot have her plans ruined.  Well she doesn't let it.....she always does what she wants.  She even went on a hair show on her daughter's 16 birthday.....something I would never have done. 

Ty again for all of your replies, you are so kind.  It helps to know that you all understand.  Like I said I am sorry I am so late with this.  I have been a member for at least a year here, but don't always have the time to respond, especially in the summer with my job.  Take care all and God bless.

[tempesta]

Oops it shows me as only being a member since Febuary of this year.  I know it has been longer, I was under another name, I think.  Who knows, I am tired tonight and am not thinking so clear, lol.  Calgon take me away! 

[reallyME]

This is regarding my mother, rather than my sister...

but I will make this statement first...I was reading about C or NC with the N.  I had to think to myself, "ok, first of all, I wasn't raised by Narcissists, so for me to say anything, it will make me look "holier than thou" but I have gone through a mentor/mentee relationship with one, so I do know something of where these hurting people are coming from.

Secondly, once I gave myself permission to post to this thread, I have to ask all of you...C or NC...what is the REASON WHY you'd WANT to have intimate contact with an abuser in the first place?  What does it do for you?  Do you really not like yourself that much, to consistently put yourself into those positions over and over again?  I guess I don't understand the mindset of "self-punishment" because, really isn't that what it would be?  It's like, knowing their is a dog that bites you every time you turn a certain corner of the street, yet, purposely going back and letting it bite you repeatedly, all for the sake of being "friendly" with "all creatures"...I just never have gotten that.

I do think it's more on the victimized person's end, that they want to keep contact with an N.  Personally, a narcissist can do with/without you, either way.  They could care LESS if you want them around.  They are in this only for THEMSELVES, not to keep a relationship with you, since they do not even GRASP what RELATIONSHIP is or feels like.

Just something to think about.  Don't qualify abusers in the same category with healthy-thinking and behaving people...you WILL get burned every time.

As I was reading all of the posts here, I just wanted to give some input into my situation as well.  My biological mom was and is more PARANOID than narcissistic.  Everything I tell her, she will find the "can't do" in it. A typical dialogue follows.  Anyone relate?


Me:  "Mom, I finally got a job and I'm so excited!  I'll be setting appointments for a guy named _________."

Mom: "Yeah...how much is he paying you?"

Me: $10 per appointment."

Mom: "But that means that if you don't get ANY appointments for him, you don't get paid."

Me:  "Oh, I am not worried about that.  I've done this before."

Mom: "Yeah, well, he may SAY he's gonna pay you, but you don't KNOW that for sure, right?"

Me:  "Mom, this is a good, reputable company.  I've worked for them before."

Mom:  "It may or may not be a good company...that's not what I'm saying.  But if you work all that time for him and you don't get paid, THEN what are you gonna do?  See, you have to think of these things, Laur"

Me:  "Well, I'm not worried about that.  It is not a fly-by-night sort of thing.  My boss is the district manager in the place...don't you think he has a reputation to keep up and he'll make good on that?"

Mom:  "Look, I'm not gonna argue with you about it.  It's your life...I'm just saying "be careful...you know all the other things you've gotten into that haven't worked out."

Me:  "Well, I HAVE to make this time work out, Mom.  I'm SICK of living in poverty."

Mom:  "Where are your kids while you are working?"

Me:  "I'm working from home."

Mom:  "Ohhhhh...well that's a GOOD thing...cause you don't want to leave your kids alone and go out to work.  Something might happen.  People are strange these days."

Me:  "yeah.  I know."

Mom:  "ok, well I gotta go.  I'm glad you got a job.  I hope this one works out for ya.  We'll see ya, ok bye."

(As a result, I battle times of such PARANOIA myself about almost EVERYTHING.  My children laugh at my irrational fears and tell me "you are so paranoid, Mom!"  I almost want to HATE my mother for it, and I probably WOULD if I wasn't a follower of Yah and if it didn't seem to feel so JUSTIFIED to me in this crazy, dangerous world.)

[Ami]

I can say that I go back or want to go back to the abuser(my N mother) for several reasons. It is very complex.(I will deal with my H at another time)
  Much of it has to do with my own self concept.I gave up my power at a young age to my mother. I lived in the world that she constructed(her rules, her thinking, her perspective). I abdicated my own thinking. I abdicated the trust in myself. I am ,now, seeing that she is an N. I have had my head up my ass since I was 14. I am sitting here in a "new" world--- the real world. I am just starting to feel real. I am starting to see myself as real and other people as real. it is like going from being an alien to a human. It is a huge shift.
  Part of me does not want to change. Part of me wants her side of the story to change. I want her to turn "good' and love me. Then,I will be fixed and whole.So, that part of me wants to go back to her and have it end like this.
 Part of being real is realizing that you are alone. I NEVER wanted to face this. I think that I would have panic attacks over facing this. I did not feel like I could cope with life, alone. I guess that I really could not b/c I was in a dream world,before.
  Another scary thing is that I am responsible for myself. This is ,also panic attack material.
  The other reason might be a 'valid' one. I want a connection with my mother b/c the
intimacy" of the mother daughter relationship. However,of course with an N, you cannot have it.
 I think that there are more reasons that a person goes back to the abuser. I will write more when I figure out more.
  Tempesta, it is nice to hear your voice. You sister must be a 'Gag me with a spoon" person. I can see her ,in my mind's eye". I am sorry that you have to have a sister like this. Also, her poor kids bear the largest brunt of it.
   They are so, so lucky to have you for an aunt. An aunt can be life saving. You are doing a very,very important thing with them, Tempesta                                     Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

Since I wasn't physically abused by my N and since the psychological stuff was blind behavior...I think I have benfitted from keeping contact. Although moving in with her for 8 years maybe have been overdoing it a trifle.

I wasn't cleverly anticipating anything, but one opportunity the continued contact gave me was to experience and fully integrate the reality of not getting what I want, and then refiguring out what's wonderful in my life anyway. Railing about it for years...and then, accepting it...and then, being at peace with it...and then, not even wanting it any more.

I feel more "lined up" with reality inside. When I set boundaries or show compassion or both simultaneously, it feels as though I am acting instead of reacting. I think she has been the practice field for the most difficult endurance experience of my life.

I know myself and like myself better than I did when I moved in years ago. In the middle, it was often the opposite and there were some terrible struggles. But now, I have more inner peace. So, for me, contact had an answer to a question I didn't even know I was asking.

Ahh hindsight. It's different for everyone...
love
Hops